Chapter 32
Jonas swallowed hard, trying to get his heartbeat under control.
He took a step back from Tabitha, trying to reorient himself.
He hadn’t meant to say all of that. He’d never meant to tell her how she filled his heart.
And if he hadn’t stepped back when he did and put some physical distance between them, he would have shown her how he felt by pulling her into his arms. . . .
Abram had warned him, hadn’t he?
Jonas was the problem. Not her. She was wonderful and wounded and trying so hard.
He couldn’t blame her for how his emotions crashed when he came anywhere near her.
He was the one who would have crossed all proper boundaries and kissed her as if he had any right to it. And he didn’t have that right.
But she deserved to know how he saw her, because he didn’t think she gave herself enough credit. He couldn’t let her go on measuring herself by the man who’d never deserved her.
There was something about Tabitha that dropped all Jonas’s defenses when they should be at their strongest. It wasn’t just that she was beautiful—plenty of beautiful women didn’t have this effect on him.
It was that she was disarming. He knew her so well, knew her good intentions, understood how difficult everything had been for her.
He knew what hurt her and what made her laugh and what could make her forget about her troubles for a little while too.
She was his best friend, truly the closest person to him.
Perhaps it was in no way appropriate, but it was the truth.
“I might regret having said all that, but your marriage can’t define you anymore,” he said. “I’m serious about Michael. He never deserved you. You were never the problem.”
“I was probably part of the problem,” Tabitha said.
“Nope.” He caught her gaze, and some of their old comfort came back again. “That’s why I came along today—to make sure you didn’t start thinking that. He had a beautiful, accomplished wife, and he treated you like you were disposable. There is no excuse for that. Not one.”
She was silent, and he stepped closer again and caught her hand.
“Tabby, what do you think you’re like?” he asked.
“What?”
“Describe yourself. What do you think a man sees when he looks at you?”
“I’m . . . on the tall side,” she said. “I know I’m pretty strong from my job. I can lift a large calf without issue. I wish my teeth were straighter. I’m a good vet. I know that. I think that intimidates some men, and it makes them see me as . . . I don’t know, not quite feminine? And—”
Jonas started to laugh. He didn’t mean to, but her description of herself made her seem like some unattractive, awkward woman who’d blend into a barn wall.
“What?” she demanded.
“Not quite feminine?” he asked, shaking his head. “That’s not what men think.”
She didn’t seem to see the humor and gave him an exasperated look.
“I don’t think you can speak for all men,” she retorted.
“Fine, I’ll speak for me. You are not on the tall side.
” He touched her chin, and she raised it slightly so he could look her right in the eye.
“You’re the perfect height. You are good with cattle, and you’re the best vet I’ve ever seen, but as for not being feminine?
Tabby, you’re gorgeous. Do you not know that? ”
She blinked at him. Maybe she didn’t know it, and that took him by surprise. She owned a mirror, didn’t she?
“Do you?” he pressed.
“I mean, I’m . . . decent looking,” she said.
He tried to stop the smile from tickling his lips. She’d think he was teasing, and he wasn’t.
“You’re the kind of pretty that makes people look up when you enter a room.
They aren’t staring because you’re different or scandalous.
They’re staring because you’re stunning.
You’re gentle and funny, and you have a twinkle in your eye before you laugh that can stop my heart.
You’re interesting and smart, and every time I think of something to try or hear a joke or read an article about some farming practice, you’re the first one I want to talk to about it.
You draw a man in, Tabby. You have a way of taking up all his thoughts, and you don’t have to do anything special or out of the ordinary to do it either. ”
The seriousness of the moment washed over him, and he was no longer tempted to laugh or smile. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
“Tabby, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it’s impossible for a man to be your husband and to lose interest. Impossible.”
“It happened,” she said bluntly.
“Fine, it’s not possible for a good man to be married to you and to lose interest,” he amended. “And I know that for a fact.”
“A fact?”
“I’ve been in love with you for a year now. I’d know.”
As the words came out, his stomach dropped. He hadn’t meant to reveal that, but it was true.
She stilled, her chest stopping mid-breath, as she held it in. “You . . . love me?”
“Yah, I love you.” He exhaled a shaky breath. He’d said it out loud. And the earth hadn’t swallowed him yet. “I’ve been head over heels for you for a long time now, but you weren’t available, and . . .”
He didn’t have to go over it all again. She’d been there too.
“I knew we had a spark between us, but—”
“I didn’t tell you how I felt because you didn’t feel the same way,” he said.
“Yah, I did.”
It was like the earth rippled beneath his feet. “What?”
“I loved you too,” she said simply.
And this was where he should be kissing her, pulling her into his arms, reveling in those words. How many nights had he lain awake, making up stories in his head where this very moment was a possibility?
“I didn’t realize it, exactly.” Her eyes misted. “I was very busy trying to convince myself you were only a friend. And trying to convince everyone else around me too. But they could see it clear as day, and I . . . didn’t dare.”
“You love me. . . .”
“I did.” She raised her chin a little higher, and she tugged her fingers out of his. “I did. But love is a choice too. And you’re not free anymore.”
He licked his lips. “Nee, I’m not.” He couldn’t forget what he’d said to Christina.
What was he doing? He’d been holding back these feelings all this time for good reason. But it was like there was a break in a dam, and it had all just poured out. He should be stronger than this.
“You don’t have to worry about me, Jonas,” Tabitha said quietly. “Your heart is in the right place, but I’m going to be okay. You can stop worrying that I’ll crumble when you’re gone.”
“I didn’t say you were the one who’d crumble,” he said gruffly. Right now, he seemed to be the one who couldn’t hold it together.
“You know what I mean. You’re a good man.”
But a good man didn’t love one woman while promising his life to another. He was in love with Tabitha, but Christina was the one waiting for him, the one trying to source out enough celery for the traditional wedding soup this fall. It was a slippery slope, and he had to straighten this out.
“Michael was a cad,” he said slowly. “A very bad man who treated you shabbily, and I won’t be like him.”
Shame welled up inside of him. He would tell Christina about this conversation.
Every word of it, if she wanted to hear it.
He wouldn’t have secrets eating away at him, and he would never be the kind of man who harbored feelings for another woman deep in his heart while he was married to someone else completely. He would not be like Michael Logan.
“You aren’t like him,” Tabitha said earnestly.
“Not yet,” he said. “And I intend to keep it that way. But I can’t be the man who has a wife at home and another woman in his heart.
Not only is it cruel to the wife who deserves his entire heart, but it makes him no better than a bull in a field of cows.
Gott created us higher than the animals. We are more than just animal nature.”
Christina deserved her husband’s heart. Just like Tabitha had deserved Michael’s.
How much could a man do with determination alone?
Could he forget about the woman he loved?
Possibly—with prayer, time, and distance.
There might be a practical solution. But did he want to do that?
Did he want to wipe Tabitha from his life and refocus on a very lovely, kind, deserving woman in Ohio? He had given her his word.
“I’m not free,” he went on. “So I can’t say anything more. It would be wrong, and I answer to Gott.”
Tabitha paled, and her chin trembled.
“I have to do the right thing,” he said, his voice catching.
Did she understand? Did she see the position he was in here? He’d promised his future to a woman he hardly knew, and who he certainly didn’t love yet. And he had a woman in front of him who was now free to marry, and who he did love with all his heart.
But he’d given his word to Christina, to her parents, to her matchmaker, and there was a whole family on the verge of wedding plans at this very moment!
And a letter was on the way to Christina telling him that Tabitha was only a friend, and that Tabitha wished them well.
A little less than true now, wasn’t it?
“You’re aren’t like Michael,” she said, her voice firming. “You are so much better than him. Do not let an emotional moment make you do something you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”
And if he didn’t do the right thing now and handle this in both a compassionate and unblemished way, he would regret it for the rest of his life. The woman he married would never be able to fully trust him if he handled this very moment badly.
Gott, guide me!
He knew what he had to do, but he couldn’t do it here with Tabitha.
“Tabby, you’ll have to take the van home without me,” he said. “I just told you that I love you, and it would be wrong to close myself in with you.”
She nodded mutely, and he could see that this decision hurt her too.
There was no way around it, though. Jonas didn’t trust himself for another moment.
So he turned and walked away, his boots sinking into the soft turf as he headed for the paved drive.
He’d get a taxi, and he’d pay the very expensive rate it would take to drive him all the way out to Shepherd’s Hill once more.
But if he got into the back of that van with Tabitha, he’d tell her all over again how much he loved her, and he’d hold her hand, and he’d very likely kiss her before the drive was through. He was only a man, after all. And then he’d hate himself for it.
The right thing was going to hurt both him and a good woman. There was no way around it.