Chapter 9
Alex
In the night's stillness, a raw, visceral scream tore through the silence. It originated deep within Alex's tormented subconscious. The sound reverberated against the room's walls. Its chilling intensity seemed to hang in the air.
It catapulted Alex from the clutches of a nightmarish vision into a harsh reality. His heart thundered in his chest, a rapid drumbeat echoing the lingering terror of his dream. The room lay cloaked in an oppressive darkness. It was a stark contrast to the vivid horrors that had just plagued his sleep.
Sweat coated his forehead, each droplet a testament to the intensity of the nightmare. He gasped for air, each breath a struggle as he fought to escape the lingering grip of fear. The rapid pounding of his heart was a jarring rhythm in the quiet room. It reminded him of the thin line between dream and wakefulness.
As he lay there crying and trying to steady his breathing, the darkness of the room felt oppressive. The echo of his scream still seemed to linger, a ghostly reminder of the depth of his fear. Slowly, the shadows receded as he regained his bearings. The nightmare retreated into the corners of his mind. It left him in the quiet aftermath of its visit.
As he regained his senses, the nightmare's grip loosened, and Alex realized he was safe in his bedroom. He pushed the tangled sweaty sheets aside and swung his legs over the bed’s edge. His naked body trembled with the remnants of fear.
He stumbled slightly in the dim light. He went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face, trying to wash away the lingering terror. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror, his eyes reflecting the turmoil of his dreams.
After a few moments, he composed himself as best he could and left the bathroom, heading to the kitchen. He flicked on the soft glow of the overhead light. Then he opened the refrigerator and reached for a water bottle. The cool liquid offered some relief to his parched throat.
As he stood in the dimly lit kitchen, Alex thought about the men he had lost. The memories of the ambush, the chaos, and the overwhelming sense of loss haunted him, even in his waking hours.
It’s your fault they died. You should have saved them.
He leaned against the kitchen counter. He took a deep breath and tried to shake off the lingering unease of his inner dialogue. Even in the quiet of his own home, his memories had the power to awaken his deepest fears. He stared at the photos on his refrigerator.
You should have been stronger, he was counting on you.
With a heavy sigh, Alex realized he couldn't go back to sleep anytime soon. He sat at the kitchen table, bathed in the soft light, and let the stillness of the night wash over him.He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His bare skin felt the coolness of the wooden chair beneath him, grounding him in the present moment. He knew that, like many nights before, he needed to calm the storm of memories and anxiety that raged within him.
He began a meditation technique, one he had learned in therapy, with practiced ease. In his mind's eye, he pictured a serene place, a mental sanctuary where he felt safe and at peace. It was a beautiful beach, bathed in the soft light of dawn. The soothing waves gently caressing the shore filled his senses. A cool breeze rustled through the trees.
As he continued to breathe deeply, he imagined each breath as a cleansing wave. It washed over him and carried away the darkness and fear. With every inhale, he drew in strength and serenity. With every exhale, he released the tension and trauma that held him captive.
In this inner world, he felt a strong connection to nature. He felt it with the earth beneath him and the endless expanse of the sea. He allowed himself to absorb the healing energy of this imaginary place. He let it envelop him like a warm embrace.
As he meditated, his mind gradually grew quieter. The intrusive thoughts that had plagued him lost their grip. It was a gradual process, one that required patience and self-compassion.
With time, the vividness of the beach scene faded, but a lingering sense of peace remained. Alex opened his eyes, feeling a bit more grounded, a bit more in control. It was a minor victory, a respite from the turmoil that often consumed him.
He knew that his journey toward healing was ongoing and that the scars of war would always be a part of him. But in moments like these, in the quiet of his kitchen, he found a sanctuary. There, he could breathe, reflect, and find solace in the night's stillness.
After completing his meditation, Alex opened the cabinets in his kitchen. He revealed a neat row of pill bottles and supplements. His hand paused momentarily. He picked up the bottle containing his PTSD medication. He hated the feeling of dependency. But he also knew that it was a lifeline, a way to quiet the relentless demons that haunted him.
With a resigned sigh, he unscrewed the cap and swallowed the dose, chasing it down with a glass of water. He closed his eyes briefly, reflecting on the memories of his service. The loss of his brothers. The horrors he witnessed, woven into his daily existence.
Alex knew that the medication couldn't erase the past or mend the wounds of war, but it offered him a reprieve. It allowed him to face each day with a semblance of normalcy. It helped him keep the nightmares and flashbacks controllable.
He wanted off of them so badly. As he continued to line up the remaining medications, he felt ambivalent. They reminded him of his loss. But for now, he would take them as he had done every day since returning home, hoping to regain control over his life and heal the wounds that still ran deep.
Alex gradually transitioned from a neutral mind to a more positive and hopeful one. The thought of spending time with Jordan brought a smile to his face. He eagerly anticipated joining Jordan for their morning run, hoping the run and the companionship would clear his head and prepare him for the day ahead at the clinic.
As he rummaged through his dresser drawers, he realized he had forgotten to do laundry. He had no clean shirts to wear on the run.
He also realized that he only had one volunteer shirt for the clinic, which was sweaty. He had forgotten the others in the breakroom. Letting out an exasperated sigh, he remained determined to make it work.
He gathered the pile of dirty laundry and headed to the washing machine. He tossed the clothes inside, added detergent, and started the cycle. It would have to be a speedy wash. He hoped it would finish in time. Then, he could throw them in the dryer when he left to meet Jordan.
Alex prepared for his run as he waited for the laundry to finish. He slipped on a pair of army green running shorts and laced up his sneakers, then grabbed the pungent shirt that he wore yesterday to the clinic. The anticipation of spending more time with Jordan had boosted his energy, and he was eager to hit the road.
With a sense of excitement building, he glanced at the washing machine's timer. He knew he had to time his run perfectly. He wanted his volunteer shirt to be clean and dry before he headed to the clinic. The thought of seeing Jordan again motivated him to make the most of his morning workout.
Alex’s phone buzzed. He opened the text from Jordan. A meme showed two stick-figure runners side by side; one was slightly ahead of the other. The image's humor came from the stick figure on the right pouring coffee into a cup as they ran. Meanwhile, the one on the left struggled to keep up, spilling coffee everywhere.
Jordan: This is a race challenge. The winner buys coffee.
Jordan: Morning, your favorite Dr. Snarkypants here. Do you accept?
Alex’s face lit up with a smile as he read Jordan’s texts. He thought for a moment and responded.
Alex: Haha! Coffee race accepted, but I drink Chai !
The three dots on the phone moved, and his phone buzzed again.
Jordan: Chai—loser! Stuff tastes like grass!
Jordan sent his text along with the map location of where to meet.
Alex smiled as he typed.
Alex: Chai tastes nothing like grass. Are you thinking of Matcha? Someone needs to keep it healthy around here! Plus, I need that extra spice in my life.
The washer buzzer went off, and he put his clothes in the dryer.
Jordan: Matcha, Chai, all the same thing. Don’t forget your running shoes—you’ll need them to keep up! #NotSoHealthyChoices #DonutsAreLife
Alex: Matcha and Chai are not the same! By the way, I used all my shirts as puppy bandages. So, I’m wearing the same shirt as yesterday and possibly the day before. Don’t judge me.
He grabbed his keys as the three dots moved.
Jordan: You know, deaf people heighten their other senses, like smell. Eww! #Stinky #ArmpitBouquet
Alex: OK, fine. I’ll run shirtless. I don't want to offend all the handsome hard-of-hearing guys at the beach.
Moments later, he laughed. He got a meme of a tiny white poodle with overly enormous eyes bulging out of his head. Alex had a massive smile as he walked out the door.
His anticipation grew with each step he took toward his truck. He was looking forward to the morning run with Jordan.
The drive to the trailhead at Secret Beach was short, but it felt like an eternity to Alex. He replayed their conversations and interactions in his mind as he drove .
Pulling into the parking lot, Alex saw Jordan's Jeep already there, and his heart skipped a beat. He took a deep breath to calm his racing nerves. He parked his truck and climbed out, feeling the cool morning breeze kiss his skin.
With an effortless fluidity, he took off his musty three-day worn t-shirt — or was it four days? — which revealed his muscular torso. He threw the shirt in the truck and approached the trailhead. As he came around the corner, he saw Jordan standing there, waiting.
Time seemed to slow. His eyes fell upon the man. Jordan stood in the soft, early morning light, looking even more captivating than before. The snug fit of his running clothes accentuated his athletic build. Jordan wore a welcoming smile. It served as a comforting lighthouse amidst Alex's turbulent stormy morning. His wavy brown hair danced in the breeze. His piercing eyes sparkled in the morning light. He wore navy blue shorts, a black tank top, and white running shoes. He was breathtaking.
As Alex approached Jordan, a rush of emotions washed over him. He felt nervous and exhilarated, like the moment before a mission. His heart raced at the anticipation of spending time with this man.
Their eyes locked as Alex closed the distance between them, and he couldn't help but smile. Jordan's presence was magnetic. It drew Alex to him. He hadn’t ever experienced anything so instinctive. It was as if the universe had conspired to bring them together on this picturesque morning.
Jordan had no shame as he eyed Alex up and down, then down and up again slowly with a big, goofy grin.
“I need to speak to Emily about changing the dress code for volunteers at the clinic. This works for me,” Jordan said.
Alex replied. “Really? I met Mrs. Winston yesterday. Could she work these shorts the way I do?”
Alex turned around and bent over suggestively.
What is going on with me? I haven’t felt this light in years.
Alex watched Jordan laugh, blush and look away, look back, then look away again. “I love the different shades of blush that you turn,” Alex said. Jordan blushed again.
“Yeah, well, what can I say?” Jordan said, laughing. "People have told me that I’m cute and cuddly." Then his face was serious for a moment. “I don’t know what it is about you, Alex. You bring out words I have never felt I could have the confidence or courage to say to another person.”
Alex smirked. “That’s good, Jordan. I find confidence sexy.”
They wanted to stretch before their run. They found a spot on the trailhead, surrounded by nature's beauty. The fresh ocean breeze was invigorating, making their morning stretch even more refreshing.
Jordan started by extending his arms over his head, interlocking his fingers. Then he reached upward, elongating his spine. Alex mirrored Jordan's movements. Their synchronicity was an unspoken acknowledgment of the connection they were forming. He focused on breathing, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly as he reached for the sky.
Jordan leaned forward. He kept his legs straight but not locked. His hamstrings and lower back stretched as he reached his fingertips toward his toes. Alex followed suit, his muscular body bending with resistance. The sensation of his muscles stretching was soothing and refreshing. As they stretched, Jordan spoke.
"I called the clinic earlier," Jordan said. "Shadow is responding well. He's drank water on his own, which is a positive sign. Emily's keeping a close eye on him."
Alex smiled. "That's great to hear. I hope he continues to improve. He deserves a chance at a happy, healthy life."
With their stretching routine complete, Jordan stirred up some friendly competition. He flashed a mischievous grin at Alex and said, "All right, Alex, prepare to eat my dust. The loser buys coffee, or in your case, that fancy grass you love so much."
"You're on,” Alex chuckled. “But don't underestimate my Chai power. It's pure liquid motivation!"
Alex looked at Jordan thoughtfully. “Do you run with your hearing aids in?”
Jordan replied, “No, I usually run with nothing in my ear.”
Alex nodded. “Then take them out. I don’t think I can talk while we run, anyway. I’ll be too busy trying to get air and not die. Cardio and I are not on friendly terms. When I run on a treadmill at the gym, people stare at me because they think I have asthma,” Alex quipped.
Jordan laughed. “Thank you, Alex. These 'irritating earpieces' are like your cardio to me." Then he gently pulled the hearing aids out of his ear and placed them in his shorts pocket.
Their playful banter added a touch of humor to the crisp morning air, setting the tone for their run. As they began jogging down the trail, the quiet of nature enveloped them. It contrasted with their earlier laughter and conversation. Each step they took was in sync, creating a rhythm. It harmonized with the soft rustling of leaves and the distant chirping of birds.
The trailhead at Secret Beach was a picturesque starting point for their morning run. The path ahead was a mix of packed earth and natural obstacles guiding them through the lush forest. Birds provided a cheerful soundtrack with their melodious songs.
As Alex and Jordan jogged more, they plunged into the forest. Tall trees formed a natural canopy overhead. They filtered the sunlight and cast cool, soothing shadows on their path. The scent of damp earth and pine needles wafted through the air.
About halfway through their run, the trail led them to the edge of the coastline. The roar of the ocean greeted them, growing louder with each step. The forest gave way to a breathtaking view of the expansive beach at low tide. Waves gently lapped at the sandy shore. Seagulls soared overhead, and the tang of saltwater infused the air.Running along the beach, Alex enjoyed the soothing sounds of the waves.
As they ran, neither talked. Jordan looked calm and peaceful as he ran. Alex was breathing so hard that he scared the wildlife. Alex hated running, but today’s run was not awkward, not horrible. It was joyful with Jordan by his side. Jordan set the pace. It was the most fun Alex had in a very long time.
The last leg of their run took them back into the forested area, where the trail inclined uphill. Their muscles worked harder as they climbed. The sense of accomplishment and the camaraderie they shared made the effort worthwhile. As they neared the end of their route, their strides quickened, and the friendly race began. The anticipation was palpable. They exchanged competitive glances as the finish line loomed.
Jordan held the lead with about thirty feet left before the finish line. He was about to cross the finish line and glanced back. He smiled at Alex, who was trailing behind. Alex suddenly grimaced. He clenched his thigh, his face wracked with pain. He grabbed his leg and bent to his knee, his breathing rapid.
Jordan halted and turned back, rushing to Alex's side. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked.
Alex, still clutching his leg and wincing in apparent pain, looked up at Jordan with a sly twinkle in his eye. He laughed, revealing that his cramp had been a clever ruse. Then he sprinted to the trail's end.
Holding up his arms in victory and jumping up and down as Jordan followed with a grin on his face, Alex looked directly at him.
"I win!" Alex exclaimed, breathing harder than usual, flashing a playful grin.
Jordan couldn't help but laugh as well, realizing he had fallen for Alex's trick. "You ass! Fine, you win this one," he conceded, shaking his head in mock disbelief.
He reached down and ripped up a few blades of grass from the forest floor. Then he bowed in front of Alex with a huge grin, looking thrilled. "Your Chai, sir!"
Alex laughed and accepted his prize. “You’re still confusing it with Matcha!”
Jordan rolled his eyes.
I could get lost in those eyes .
The sun rose higher, casting a soft golden hue over the tranquil coastal landscape. Jordan and Alex stood near the end of their trail run. Their laughter from the friendly race lingered in the air.
Their eyes met, a silent understanding passing between them. The coastal breeze gently ruffled their hair. It carried the scent of the sea and the faint hint of pine from the nearby forest.
Slowly, their faces drew closer together, their breaths mingling in the crisp sea air. Alex reached up and cupped Jordan’s face as their eyes locked. Their lips met in a tender, sweet kiss. It was soft, a gentle exploration of feelings simmering beneath the surface.
He tastes like hazelnuts.
As they pulled away, their eyes locked again. Their smiles mirrored the joy they felt in each other's company.
Alex looked directly at Jordan. "Well, I didn't expect that, but it was nice. "
Jordan was standing there, a mesmerized look on his face, looking into Alex’s eyes."No one has ever kissed me all the way to my toes before."
Alex smiled, his lips still tingling from their kiss. Suddenly feeling uncertain, he looked at Jordan with concern and said, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I hope I didn’t overstep.”
Jordan chuckled, now recovered from the apparent shock to his entire nervous system. “Overstep? Believe me, Alex, you can overstep anytime you want.” He punctuated his words with a playful wink. The tension dissipated into a lighthearted exchange. It left them both grinning.
“I’m going to head home and take a shower. Hopefully, I’ll have a clean volunteer shirt that is dry by the time I’m ready to leave,” Alex said with a grin.
“You can come to the clinic shirtless—Mrs. Winston would love that,” Jordan said with a goofy grin.
Alex began the leisurely walk back to his truck, Jordan close at his side. The cool ocean breeze ruffled his hair. It played with the leaves on the trees, creating a calm backdrop to their shared post-run bliss.
Once they reached the parking area, they exchanged a last smile before parting ways.
“I'll see you at the clinic to check on Shadow?” Alex asked, his eyes filled with anticipation.
Jordan nodded in agreement. “Yep. I'll meet you there. We can make sure our furry friend is doing well.”
With that, they each headed to their vehicles. The prospect of seeing Shadow and spending more time together made Alex’s steps a little lighter, and his smile a little brighter momentarily.
He deserves someone who’s not broken.