Chapter 28
“Shit day,” Finn’s voice sounds from behind me. “Nothing to catch.”
“Then what are you doing out here?”
Finn lifts an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t I ask you the same thing?”
“I’m thinking .”
What I’m really thinking about is that it’s been two days since Lucas left and two days since Harper began to pull away.
She’s no longer with me as I work. She fell asleep upstairs before I had the chance to kiss her goodnight, and she’s been out of the house before I even wake up.
“Yeah? About what?” Finn presses. “Or I guess I should ask—about who ?”
I push up onto my elbows.
“Tides.”
“Tides?”
I sit up and not in any graceful way, and yet, I’m still balanced on the board. That’s how flat it is. “Yes. I’m thinking about Tides. I’ve got a motion filed to—"
“When are you going to stop pretending this is about a dog, Riley?”
“What is the this you’re referring to exactly?” I ask.
Finn reaches down, skimming the surface of the water with his fingertips . “This being…Harper.”
“This? Last I checked her pronouns were she and her .”
“You’re an asshole.” He splashes me. “You know what I mean.”
I do, but I’m an attorney now so I know I have a right to say nothing to incriminate myself.
“No. I don’t.”
Finn shakes his head. “Tides. The—”he pauses, lifting an arm to motion at the water—“whatever the hell you two are doing out here. And in my pool, don’t think the neighbors didn’t tell me.”
“That was once.” It was more than once, but it seems like a good counter argument.
“Once, twice, whatever…I mean, it only takes once...” Finn trails off, shaking his head.
I reach down into the water, swiping below the surface to turn the board so it knocks into Finn’s. “It only takes once to what?”
“To make a mistake.”
I love Finn as a friend, as my brother-in-law, as my business partner. But his insinuation that Harper and I, whether we’re platonic co-parents or something more, could ever be close to a mistake makes me angry enough to hit him.
“We have Lucas, Finn.”
Finn’s eyes widen. “Did you just hear yourself? You said we. ”
“Yes, we ,” I scoff.
“Look, Riley,” he begins, “I know that kid is important to you. Maybe since Lucas was born he’s been the only important thing to you except for The Shack. He’s important to me and your sister too. We’re all family here, Riley. But…”
“But what?”
“Something’s up with you two.”
I raise my face under the guise of soaking up some sun, but really I just don’t know where to start .
“If something happened to you,” I begin. “What would you want for my sister?”
There’s a long stretch of uncomfortable silence before Finn responds, “I’d want her to be happy.”
“But who would you want her to be happy with?”
Finn shakes his head in confusion.
“Would Nate forgive me,” I start to ask before I have to stop, to gather the strength to push out the question. “For falling in love with Harper?”
The way Finn’s eyes widen with surprise makes me curse under my breath and I begin to turn my board toward shore.
“Wait, wait. I didn’t mean…I had a feeling something was going on, but love is a big word, Riley.”
That’s the funny thing about words. The smallest ones often have the biggest meanings.
“Would he? Because he asked me to take care of them. And I don’t think he meant all the shit I’ve got going on in here.” I tap my chest.
Finn cocks his tongue against his cheek, shaking his head. “I don’t like thinking about this stuff, Riley.”
“Alright, I know it’s all sorts of fucked up to ask you to—"
“You think?”
“Finn,” I groan. “I’ve never been married. I’ve never…I never planned to have anything close to a family so I don’t know what I’d do. That’s why I need you to tell me what you’d do. If something happened to you, who would you—”
“When I say I’d want her to be happy,” Finn admits. “I mean I wouldn’t want her to be alone.”
I purse my lips together, the tiniest salt crystals chafing the skin. “And who would you want to make her happy?”
It’s a gentle way of asking, who would you want her to be with?
“I guess,” Finn begins with a sigh. “I’d want her to be cared for and loved by the best person I know.”
You’re the best man I know, Riley .
“I loved Nate. But you knew him for a lifetime. You’re probably the one who can answer that question for him, not me. Him dying was a blow to all of us. But, none of us lost him the way you and Harper did.”
“Except Lucas.”
Finn nods. “Exactly. I don’t think it’s weird that Nate’s death brought you and Harper closer.” He holds a hand up when I go to interrupt him. “But there’s a kid involved who looks at you like you’re Superman. You hurt his mother, you’re going to make that kid lose out big time. Again. So whatever you’re planning to do or have already done, you’ve got to handle it carefully, man.”
I look down at my hands, at the hands that were the first to hold Lucas because his father couldn’t be there. I’ve handled him with care all his life. And even though my hands look different, even though they feel different, even though one is broken , I know I’m capable of continuing to hold him—and Harper—with care.
Raising my head, I scan the shore, looking for Harper’s footsteps in the sand. What I want her to know is even though we’re broken individually, I know with every fiber in my being we can make each other whole again.
I dig my hands into my pockets and lean against my Jeep parked across from Ship-Slapped. Behind me, the ocean roars, the breeze rolling over the sand, across the boardwalk, coating the back of my neck in goosebumps. I’m not cold, but I am frozen in place.
Ship-Slapped used to be my home away from home. I once knew the bartender and waitress rotation, which high-top table needed a napkin stuck under a foot to keep it from wobbling. After too much tequila, this was where Finn and I decided to open The Shack with money we won betting on turtle races down in Tijuana .
This was where Nate and I were heading the night of the accident.
A soft knot begins to wind in my stomach, and I want to go home, back to my small apartment where I just came from, or to Harper’s dining room with my piles of books. I nod to myself. I should be there, reading, preparing, doing something . It’s safe there. Harper on the couch, that knit blanket draped over her legs as she sits with her knees pulled up, every now and then pushing a piece of blonde hair that has fallen in her face behind her ear.
But it was Harper who orchestrated this, along with my sister, apparently. I see them walk along the sidewalk, their bodies a mix of solids and shadows before they make their way up the stairs and inside the bar.
I take an immediate step forward, like my body is trying to tell me something.
Go to her .
And I want to. Just not here .
My phone beeps from my pocket and I silence it, shaking my head before I cross the street.
Ship-Slapped is at its typical Saturday night capacity, and my ears ring from the horrible 90s music. I get a quick, but thoughtful nod from Marty behind the bar before he lifts his chin and tips his head toward the corner of the bar. I spot Finn’s backwards hat beside my sister.
“What took you so long?” Caroline asks. Her eyes narrow and linger on me before I give a quick shake of my head. She hands me a drink. “We ordered for you.”
I lift the glass to my mouth. Bourbon. I don’t think I’ve had hard liquor since before the accident and the first sip already has my mouth tingling. I’m quick to place the glass back on the table.
“Where’s Harper?” I ask, dodging a stare from Finn.
Caroline keeps her eyes focused on her vodka tonic. “Did you get your court date yet?”
I shake my head .
“Hopefully tomorrow,” my sister says as Finn pushes off from the table.
“Gotta use the bathroom.”
I grab my glass. “How worried should I be? I should’ve heard something by now, right? I mean it’s the police department .”
My sister presses her lips together. “I know you think a certain way of me. And I know you’re my older brother so you’re the one who should protect me but—”Caroline pauses and knocks her arm into mine—“I wouldn’t let you do something I didn’t think you couldn’t.”
I nod.
“You could say something nice , Riley.”
“I’m sorry for telling Mom and Dad to return you for a toy helicopter when they brought you home from the hospital,” I deadpan.
Beneath the table Caroline kicks me in the shin.
“Thanks,” I tell her after I flinch.
“One step at a time, alright? For all we know, they could bring Tides back tomorrow. I mean, Nate’s story is heartbreaking. If the community finds out…no one wants to see a kid who already lost so much suffer more. They might do the right thing and this doesn’t go any further.”
I don’t even entertain it as a possibility. I want to drive this all the way home, meaning I want the police department to fight me on this. I want to have a hearing date scheduled, sit awake all fucking night rehearsing my brief opening. The thing is, I know no matter how much I prepare, how confident I am, it might not be enough. Because judges will do what judges will do. They might be there to judge the case, but what if I stand at the table and look at my notes and see a jumbled mess that doesn’t trigger my memory in the slightest? What if I make a complete fool out of myself in front of the police department, in front of a judge and Harper?
It's a risk I’m willing to take because I’m determined to fix what I can. I’m determined to win. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a shot at losing too. I’ll have to then admit that my best wasn’t good enough. Like always. I’ll have to admit that to Lucas and…
Harper.
Harper, who I see winding through a crowd wearing a birthday hat and carrying a cake .
I look behind me, confused. It’s not my birthday. Or Caroline's. Or Finn’s.
They’re hanging a banner that says congratulations on the wall. Caroline moves the drinks aside, making room so Harper can place the cake in front of me.
“What…” My gaze focuses on Harper’s hat—Avengers. It’s left over from Lucas's birthday. It’s not just me staring at her. The music continues playing but everyone around us has seemed to stop their conversations and stare.
Harper’s pink lips pucker before she smiles widely. And then she lifts both arms in the air and turns to the crowd. “Riley passed the bar!” She screams and begins to clap.
And then so does everyone else, except Finn who gives up trying to hang the banner on the wall and instead just extends his arms, holding it up like some wrestling belt.
The next thing I know, Harper is putting a hat on me.
The elastic bites into the bottom of my chin because my muscles pull at it when I smile. I’m smiling even though I feel like an idiot with the hat on and random people clapping me on my back, offering to buy me a drink.
Harper’s hand lingers in my hair as she adjusts the cardboard cone.
“What are you doing?”
“You deserve to be celebrated properly.” She leans forward, as if she’s telling me a secret, but with all the commotion around us, we’re the only ones likely to hear it even if she spoke at a normal tone.
“You did yesterday. You do today. And no matter what happens… ”
Harper trails off, smiling, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. What it does is punch me in the gut because I feel like she’s not just talking about the case.
She clears her throat. “I want you to know you deserve to be celebrated tomorrow and after too.”