Chapter 37
“I’m ready,” Lucas says from the top of the stairs.
I’m fixing my hair in the mirror that leans against the small console by the front door, poorly attempting to tame a few fly aways. It’s in the reflection, the sight of Lucas coming downstairs makes my voice thicken so much I can’t say anything.
Like the overactive, little boy he is, Lucas takes two steps at a time.
But the truth is, I don’t see a little boy anymore. It might be because he’s wearing a navy suit and a brand-new, white dress shirt.
What I see in my mind as I look at Lucas is who he will become one day and all he has yet to experience wearing a suit.
A teenager going to prom.
A college student on his graduation.
A young man standing at the altar on his wedding day.
But I’m reminded by his little voice, that today, he still needs me. And as grown up as he looks in the moment, Lucas is still a little boy.
“I don’t know what to do with this.”
Looking down, I take the tie he holds out. I gently pull at the pencil skirt of the dress I wear and drop to my knees to get on his level. Before I drape the tie around Lucas's neck, I stop and smile at the mismatched buttons at the bottom of his shirt.
“You skipped one.” I lift the shirt, fixing the buttons.
“I’m nervous.”
“Are you?” I ask, tucking his shirt back in, trying to hide a smile because one of his socks—Avengers themed—is inside out. I move to his neck, pulling up the collar. “Why?”
He lifts his small shoulders in a shrug. “I want the judge to like me.”
“I told you, the judge probably is just going to talk to the lawyers. We actually don’t even need to be there. We’re just going to support Riley.” I loop the tie.
“Dad always said look your best on important days.”
I nod. “That’s true.”
“It’s an important day.”
Lucas doesn’t know that even though today is about Tides, it’s also about Riley. And while I want nothing more in the world than to bring Tides home today so that our family doesn’t feel all that incomplete, so that Lucas has his best friend back and part of his father’s legacy at his side, what I want more is more complex.
What I want for Riley—for all of us—is to really believe it’s not about how crazy or unimaginable the idea is. What matters is how much you believe in it and yourself.
I straighten Lucas's tie. “Not too tight?”
“Does it look okay?” Lucas asks me.
“Hey. Who’s the lawyer here?”
We both turn our heads as Riley crosses the living room, carrying a stack of files in his hand topped with a legal pad. He sticks a pen behind his ear. I’d argue that it's very clear who the lawyer is.
“You look sharp, kid.” Riley tussles Lucas's hair.
Lucas grins. “So do you.”
I wouldn’t argue with that, because I’m wondering why Riley wastes what is a perfect body for a well-tailored suit by never wearing one. The jacket skims over his broad shoulders, the narrowing of the pants the perfect shape for his long legs.
But his collar is still open.
“Go upstairs and grab your shoes, Lucas. And why don’t you grab a book we can read? We might have to wait a little bit.”
I wait before he’s back upstairs before stepping closer to Riley, taking the grey tie I had brought down. “You should keep this now.”
Riley sighs. I can still sense his anxiety as I drape the tie around his neck.
“Everyone needs my help, huh?”
“Have you met me?” Riley jokes, lifting his chin up as I work on his tie. When he slipped out of my bedroom early this morning, I had a panic that after he asked me to shave his head he might try to do the same with his beard. But the hair has been trimmed to soft stubble.
I loop the knot and slide it up carefully. “You happen to look very sharp. I think I’m going to cash in on that rain check to the fancy restaurant soon.”
“Yeah?” Riley ask, twisting his neck slightly after I secure the knot up top. “Do I look the part?”
“Riley, you are the part.”
His thick lashes shade the skin below his eye when he looks down. “I’m having second thoughts about Lucas coming.”
“Why?”
“Because. If we lose—”
“We take it one thing at a time.” I want more than anything in this world to spare Lucas from more heartbreak, and I know Riley does too. But if there’s a chance for closure if we don’t bring Tides home, I want him to have it.
“You asked me to trust you. Trust me too,” I tell him.
Riley nods, his chest rising beneath my hands, which he takes with his own when he exhales. He gives my hands a squeeze. “Okay.”
I listen for any sign Lucas is about to tumble down the stairs and find it clear before I lift my mouth to Riley’s, leaving a small kiss on his lips.
“10:30, right?” I ask, breaking our hold and reaching for my bag.
Riley looks down at his watch. “Where are you going? It’s only 8:45. I’m just running to Caroline’s to go over a few things.”
I look behind him at Lucas on the stairs. “Just a little mommy and me time before.” I hold out my hand to Lucas as he stumbles past Riley and roll my eyes. “I said a book. Not a book and a superhero.”
“It’s not for me.” Lucas passes the action figure off to Riley. “For good luck.”
Riley holds the Captain America action figure in his hand, turning it back and forth. “Thanks, man.”
I begin walking to the kitchen so we can leave through the back door, waiting for Lucas to follow.
By the time I reach for the handle, Lucas's good luck charm has me smiling so hard I know, Tides or not, we’re going to be okay.
“Riley,” I call out. “See you in court.”
“What’s that one?” I lick sticky glaze from the pad of my thumb.
Lucas's cheeks are so full he resembles a chipmunk that’s been out and about scouring and storing. “Fruity-pebbles,” he mumbles.
“When I was little donuts weren’t as exciting as these.” Reaching out, I pluck a piece of sticky cereal stuck to the side of Lucas's mouth so it doesn’t fall onto his suit.
“You mean they were boring?”
I look at the array of donuts and think about how the simplicity of a plain, glaze flavor fails to compete and admit defeat .
“Kind of.” Careful not to litter my hands with crumbs, I point to another. “Want to split this one?”
“Not that one,” Lucas says. “That’s Riley’s favorite.”
I pop my lips. “Well, we’ll save it then.” I shut the box and take a napkin. “Speaking of Riley, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“About what?”
Running my tongue along the back of my teeth, I blow out a breath. “About Riley.”
Lucas slowly turns his head toward me, hesitantly, like he’s worried about my answer before he even asks his next question. “Is he leaving?”
“What? No.” My eyes widen. “Why would you think that?”
Lucas shrugs. “What else is there?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, if Riley isn’t leaving, then what else is there to talk about?”
I press my lips together, overwhelmed by the innocence that occupies a child’s mind. For Lucas, as long as Riley is around, there’s nothing else that matters. Because he knows only what he experienced—loss.
Nate’s is permanent. But Riley’s was temporary. And Tides’s? It’s undecided.
“Riley isn’t leaving,” I tell him. “I know he upset you when he left before, but…when Daddy died, it wasn’t easy for anyone. Not me, not you. And not Riley. And everyone handles these things differently. I just want you to know him leaving before doesn’t mean he loves you less, Lucas. He came back for you. And do you know something? You’re so, so lucky.”
Lucas turns his head away from the ocean and looks at me. “Why?”
“Because.” I pick up the donut box and place it on my other side so I can scoot closer to him. “There are a lot of people who love you.”
“Like you. ”
I nod. “And Nana. Aunt Caroline and Uncle Finn. And Riley. And do you know who else?” I wait to continue until Lucas shakes his head. “Daddy loves you even if he’s not around. And he would want to know that you’re being taken care since he can’t do it anymore.”
“You take care of me,” Lucas reminds me.
I laugh. “I know and I love taking care of you. But do you know who else loves to? Riley.”
Lucas smiles.
“So what do you think if Riley and me…what do you think if we take care of you together?”
Lucas's eyebrows fuse together as he tries to understand. “You do already.”
“Kind of like how Daddy and I did before he died,” I add.
“Like Riley will be my dad?”
I shake my head immediately. “No one will ever replace your dad.”
He scratches his head. “Then what would he be?”
Words are hard sometimes , I recall Riley saying. And how hard they can be when something is just too good to be true, too great to be described in just one word other than exactly what it is.
Riley .
He’s always been that for Lucas. Not Uncle Riley , or Dad’s friend Riley . Just Riley, all on his own. Perfect in his own way, faults and all.
“He’d be kind of a bonus, for each of us.”
“Like a bonus husband?”
I have to laugh because even though I know there’s a future with Riley—I wouldn’t be having this conversation with Lucas if I wasn’t certain—there’s something funny about the label. “We’ll see about the husband part. For now, he’s just a bonus.”
It seems fitting. Bonuses are never something you turn away. They make everything better, but never more than when you least expect them .
Lucas kicks his feet that don’t reach the ground from the bench we sit on. “Does that mean he moves out?”
“No. I told you, he’s not going—”
“Like out of the apartment and into the house. Because then it will be easier to play Legos when it’s raining or cold in the morning. Riley won’t have to go outside.”
“Oh. Maybe one day. But for now, nothing has to change.”
I haven’t allowed myself to think about it too much, about Riley’s clothes taking up space in Nate’s drawers, about finding his toothbrush in the bathroom. That’s because I didn’t want to get excited about any possibilities until this very moment has passed.
Lucas tips his head in question. “Can I still call him Riley?”
“Yeah.” I smile, struck with relief. “You can still call him Riley.”
We watch the calm waters of Seal’s Bay for a few more minutes and I listen to all of Lucas's plans for the summer. My eyes focus on the bridge that’s long been repaired even though part of my heart will always be a little broken because of it.
But I smile as Lucas talks because I know how proud Nate would be of him.
Learn to do a handstand.
Surf from farther out.
Get Tides in the water .
We have to get Tides home first.
I squeeze his hand when I look at my watch. “We should get going. But, Lucas, you have to remember. We don’t know what the judge is going to say, remember? Tides might not be able to come home with us.”
Lucas nods. “But he also might come home with us, Mom.”
I guess that’s a fair point to make.
We leave the Boulevard and drive to the courthouse. My eyes keep drifting to the rear-view mirror where I watch Lucas toss Tides’s favorite ball back and forth in his hands for the entire fifteen-minute drive .
I spot Finn’s car and pull in next to it and we go inside with just moments to spare.
“How is he?” I ask, sliding next to Caroline.
She lifts a long, auburn lock over her shoulder. “A little nervous…about what you would expect.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Where is he?”
“He just wanted a minute to himself.”
I bounce my leg anxiously, turning my head when I hear the door open from behind us as Riley walks in, pushing open the small partition where he places his things on the table, Captain America included.
I reach over and slide Lucas into my lap. “I want you to know something,” I whisper. “Not all superheroes wear capes.”
Sometimes they wear Marine Corps dress blues.
Sometimes they wear a police badge.
But sometimes they wear suits—sleek and slim fit—and have their hair tied up into a bun.
And sometimes, they wear wetsuits too.