Chapter 39
“Lucas.” I sigh, finding him standing at the bay window in the living room. He’s hardly spent more than a few minutes away from that spot since we came home. “How about you change out of that suit?”
Lucas rights Black Panther who has fallen over. “I’m fine.”
I make my way over to the window and sit beside him. “He might not be home until after dinner.”
Riley went to pick up a few pizzas for tonight and Caroline just texted that she and Finn are running a little late.
“I’ll eat here,” he announces. “I want Tides to know I’ve been waiting.”
My heart tightens over his empathy and I’m about to try and convince him again to at least change into something a little more comfortable when we both turn our heads up as a car pulls into the driveway. Lucas pouts when we see Riley’s Jeep.
“He’ll be home soon,” I tell him, planting a kiss to his head when I stand. “Are you hungry? Or do you want to wait for Finn and Caroline to get here?”
“Not hungry,” Lucas huffs softly.
Riley’s car door shuts from the back of the house and I leave Lucas by the window, heading into the kitchen where Riley places pizza boxes on the counter.
He takes his black wayfarers off. “Where’s the little guy?”
“Still by the window.” I open the oven, sticking the boxes inside to stay warm. “Still in his suit.”
Riley grabs a glass, filling it with water from the fridge. “And I couldn’t wait a second to get mine off,” he says, taking a drink.
I run my eyes along his body, taking in the t-shirt that pulls across his broad chest and the shorts that hang low on his waist. “Where do you even keep that suit?” I ask. “You don’t have a closet in your apartment.”
“Take it up with my landlord, will you?”
Leaning against the counter, I fold my arms across my chest. “You might want to remind yourself, counselor, that technically, you’re squatting. I don’t think you have the right to complain about storage space.”
Riley puts his glass in the sink and takes two steps over to me, making me giggle when he lifts me by the waist and onto the countertop. He presses forward, but secures me in place with his hands on my waist. “I can pay in other ways,” he whispers into my ear.
Goosebumps paint my skin. “There’s interest on past due rent.”
Riley nips at my ear and I squirm under his hold but make no effort to push him away. Who am I kidding? I want this hold. I need it.
“You should learn by now I’m an excellent negotiator.” He layers a kiss right on the spot he sank his teeth into and I don’t know what’s more delicious—the pleasure or the pain. “I’m willing to plead my case.”
For a moment, I’m about to let him. But then comes the shrill of Lucas's voice from the living room. “Mom, how much longer?”
“I think you forgot we have a kid,” Riley mumbles, pulling away .
I’m so struck on Riley’s use of we I don’t even remind him he started it.
Riley must sense happiness. He comes in for another kiss, his large hands cupping my cheeks. This kiss is filled with infinite depth, full of promises and his presence.
I have to focus on catching my breath when he backs away.
“If you’ll both have me,” Riley whispers, “I’m yours.”
I chuckle quietly and joke, “You should ask yourself if you’ll have us. We kind of come with a lot of baggage.”
Riley doesn’t miss a beat. “I’ll help you unpack.”
I bring my hand up to cover his that rests on my face before I wrap my arms around his middle. “You have no idea how much you already have.”
I squeeze him tightly. I want him to feel it—the way he’s helped me more than he ever could understand or believe he possibly could.
Riley taught me that love is a word, but it’s the people who give it meaning. And there’s never the same love twice. They can all be great in different ways, and aren’t I the luckiest person in the world to have two great loves that never have to end? I can continue to love Nate in memory while I get to love Riley—to show him my love—every day we’re allowed to have together.
I laugh when I realize we’re swaying, dancing to the silent tune of our own happiness in the middle of the kitchen. And it’s like the entirety of our relationship—I didn’t realize it was happening until it happened. But I know now it doesn’t always have to be bad to be blindsided by the unexpected. It can be as amazing as it can be sad and tragic.
“We’re going to have to talk about some living space rules, though.”
Riley laughs against me. “I was waiting for that.”
“I was thinking you could start by putting away the contents of your desk so I can have my dining room table back,” I say, pulling away. “And I know you hate doing—"
Riley presses a finger to mine .
“Go easy on me, alright? This is the first time I loved someone I used to hate.” He drops his finger and leans down. “Make sure you’re the last one too.”
My face hurts from smiling.
“Come on, hate is a strong word."
“You’re right,” Riley agrees. “How I love you is so much stronger.”
Just when I thought I couldn’t smile any harder, Lucas's voice sounds from the living room.
“He’s here!”
We pull away from each other easily, not because we’re trying to be extra discreet, but because we’re in agreement that Lucas comes first—his happiness and sadness. Riley and I are going to be there together for all that and in between.
I barely make it out of the kitchen when I see the front door swing open, Lucas's bare feet skidding on the entry floor as he flies through it and outside.
Tides’s bark is like the most welcome punch to the gut that releases the breath I didn’t know I was holding this entire time. It stops me right in my tracks, another reminder that every moment is another opportunity to feel whole even if a second, a day, a month ago, you felt empty.
Our family feels as whole as it possibly can with Tides home. Between him and Lucas, we have so much of Nate here.
Turning, I find Riley behind me. I’m overwhelmed in a way I can’t explain, but he guides me through the door so I don’t miss this—Tides wrestling Lucas to the ground, pulling innocent laughter and magnificent giggles from my son who twists and turns, dodging Tides’s enthusiastic tongue lapping at his face. He doesn’t wear his K9 vest, but he’s back on duty.
I don’t command him to heel, to be easy, to back off and sit, or tell Lucas to get off the grass that now leaves stains on the white dress shirt.
Leaning against the door frame, I let them have this moment because it’s everything Riley and I have been fighting for. In all my years, all my moments, my highs and lows, gains and losses—it’s the ecstatic whines of a dog and the giggles from my son that make me feel the most grateful.
And of course, the hand of the one who made this all possible, crooked finger and all, that guides me outside.
Clicking my tongue, I call Tides’s name, and I’m a bit surprised that he stops his loving assault, looking up and staring at me for a moment before he comes charging, jumping up so his dirty paws press against the top of my thighs. And even though I’m wearing light, linen pants, I’ll take the dirty laundry, the floor that will need to be cleaned later. I’ll take all of the mess life gives me, even if I just cleaned, even if life was perfect a second ago.
Tides only settles for a few ear scratches before he returns to Lucas and I look down the front lawn at Silas who stands at the passenger side of his cruiser, still in uniform. He lifts a hand, giving a small wave, a sign of surrender before he walks around the car.
“Silas!” I call out, taking the few steps quickly, walking down the path and closer to the street. I stop a few feet away. It was after we returned home Riley told me Silas had planned to approach us about what was going on with Tides, and, even after our altercation, came through to do the right thing.
“Thank you,” I say. “I imagine it probably hurt for you to go against the grain.”
Silas’s eyes are focused beyond me, at the joyful sight and noise on the lawn. “It took me a minute to figure out what the right thing was,” he admits. “I was helping a friend file some old reports and one of them was from the hospital. It had your name, your address and…” He shakes his head. “I saw the write up and how you put yourself in danger for Tides and Tides put himself in danger for Lucas and I thought what am I doing ?”
I smile sadly.
“I might’ve not been able to stop this, but I could’ve tried to put my foot down. When I went to help Riley and then saw you two—”
I open my mouth, but Silas continues.
“It’s not my business, I know. It’s not my place. I know Nate loved Riley. I never understood why” —he pauses and I have to laugh, because neither did I—“but I also know he loved Tides. And he’d want them both looking out for you and Lucas.”
I nod. “I appreciate you looking out for us.”
He gives a gentle nod before lifting his head. “Take care of your dad’s pup, Lucas, alright?”
Lucas is too busy to answer.
“He will,” I vouch. “We will.”
It’s then Silas’s eyes flick toward Riley, still on the porch. I can feel the protective warning coming from him beat into my back. But I don’t want it. I don’t want the animosity, the tense space. Life might be short, but it’s big enough that all the pieces of who Nate was can fit together.
After all, it was true for me and Riley.
“We’ve got a few pizzas. Are you heading home or—”
“Thanks, but I’m about to clock in. I just wanted to be the one who brought Tides home.”
The word home isn’t lost on me.
“You’re always welcome here. I know I…had some choice words, but you were his family too.”
“Another time, maybe.” Silas gives a gentle nod before looking down.
I lift my hand and wave. “Anytime, Silas. I mean it. Have a good and safe shift.”
For a few seconds, I wait, watching Silas’s cruiser drive down the street as I did so many times before when Nate was the one heading to work a night shift, leaving me at home with an already sleeping Lucas, and more often than not, Riley raiding my fridge.
When I turn around and face our house, the setting and characters are the same. Lucas is a little bigger. Riley is a little more kept, though the rough play he has joined in on has loosened his hair a bit. But how different we all are from the very first page.
We spend the next few minutes on the front lawn, not in a rush to head inside, Tides chasing Lucas around, always keeping his body between my son and the street even though it’s absent of cars until Finn and Caroline pull into the driveway.
“Oh, are you so happy to be out of doggy-jail?” Caroline can barely greet Tides with a pat on the head before he’s off following Lucas again. “You know, if we played this right, we could’ve filmed the whole thing and sent to CNN. Imagine the public support seeing this kind of reunion. They’d be begging you to file a civil suit for emotional damages against the police.”
Finn rolls his eyes. “Can you think about anything but work for just a second?”
“It certainly makes for a good story.” I glance at Riley, finding him smiling. “But I’d never sell this out. No way. It’s priceless anyway.”
Finn pulls out his phone. “Well, how about a family photo at least to mark the occasion?”
Riley nods before heading to the stairs, calling for Lucas who comes with Tides never far behind.
Finn is snapping away before I have the chance to say anything like don’t slouch to Lucas or sit to Tides who wiggles in excitement, accidentally bopping me in the face with his snout so hard I know I’ll have a bruise against my jaw tomorrow. Beside me, I hear and feel Riley laughing, his arm wrapped around me, pulling me in closer and out of Tides’s well deserved, hyperactive orbit.
Our eyes meet and I smile at him instead of at Finn holding his phone to take the photo. I don’t care. I know the picture will be messy with a tail wagging and Lucas laughing so hard you can count his molars.
But it probably will be my favorite one I ever frame.