Chapter 16
brUX
Brux was deeply troubled.
At first, after he had driven the green male away from Kiera and taken her safely back inside the home-dome, he had been too focused on her distress to think of much else.
She had been shaking, and sweating and her heart had been pounding so hard he could hear it.
All he had wanted at that moment was to get her somewhere safe and let her hold onto him for as long as she needed.
But even later, when she had finally calmed down and they had gone back to their usual routine, the troubled feeling remained.
It stayed with him all through the rest of the day and gnawed at him while Kiera checked on the animals and made notes on her wrist—screen and tried very hard to act as though nothing bad had happened.
It followed him as faithfully as he followed her from enclosure to enclosure.
By that evening, when they were back inside the home-dome and Kiera was sitting quietly at the little table with a cup of something hot cradled between both hands, Buck understood exactly what was bothering him.
He had failed.
Not completely—he knew that. He had protected her. He had come when she needed him and made the green male release her. He had bitten him and driven him away. Kiera was safe.
That ought to have been enough.
But it didn’t feel like enough.
Because what Buck had wanted—what he had needed to do—was to take his humanoid form and stand before that ugly, stinking bastard as a male. Not a beast…not a pet…not a dumb, speechless animal who could only growl and snap.
He needed to confront the threat to his woman as a male–as a Monstrum warrior, defending his mate.
He had wanted to put himself between Higgs and Kiera and tell him in clear words that she was under his protection. That she was his mate and the other male had better not come near her again if he valued his miserable life.
Instead, all Brux had been able to do was growl and bite.
It had worked, of course, but still, the frustration burned inside him like acid.
As Kiera sat quietly at the table, staring into her cup as though she could find answers there, Brux lay nearby with his head on his paws and watched her.
He watched the little frown between her brows…
watched the way her shoulders were tighter than usual, as though some part of her was still braced for danger…
watched her sigh softly and rub one hand over the arm Higgs had grabbed.
It was discolored now–the creamy brown skin darkened by a bruise.
At the sight, Rage flared hot and immediate through him–he wanted to fucking kill the male!
No—not kill him–that was too simple. Brux wanted to tear him apart. He wanted to rip the fucking bastard to shreds and let the scavengers pick his bones.
A low growl rumbled in his chest before he could stop it, and Kiera looked up at once. She seemed to know what was bothering him.
“Hey,” she said softly, setting the cup aside and coming to kneel beside him. “It’s okay, Buck. He’s gone. You scared him off.”
She put both arms around his neck and hugged him, pressing her warm body to his. At once some of the fury drained out of Brux, leaving only the old, familiar ache behind.
Gods, her touch felt good–so good and so right. If only he could shift, he could hold her in his arms. Instead of just letting her hug him, he could hug her back.
And that was part of the torment. Every time she touched him, he felt the change begin. He felt a stirring deep inside himself…a flicker of possibility that seemed to promise that his bipedal form was right there—right beneath the surface of his skin—just waiting to come out.
And yet every time, something stopped it…something held him back.
It had happened again when Higgs laid hands on her.
Buck had felt the shift rise in him then more strongly than ever before.
For one blazing instant, when he saw the green male dragging Kiera away, he had been certain this was the moment.
Certain that rage and protectiveness and sheer need would finally break whatever barrier remained.
He had felt his spine lock with the beginning of change…felt the shape of hands almost emerge from his paws. He’d felt words build in his throat instead of barks.
Then…nothing. Nothing at all.
The shift had failed him once more and he had been left in his beast form, snapping and growling at the attacker like a common guard animal.
Kiera stroked his ears and sighed, interrupting his dark thoughts.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she murmured. “Probably get myself murdered, apparently.”
Brux whined softly and pressed his head against her, trying to tell her not to say such things. Trying to tell her that as long as he drew breath, no harm would come to her if he could prevent it.
But of course, all she heard was a worried sound from an animal, because he couldn’t make himself understood. It was so frustrating!
She smiled faintly and rubbed his ruff one more time before getting up and going back to her cup.
Buck watched her in silence. Would he ever regain his humanoid form?
He had been trying not to ask himself that too often, because every time he did, despair crept a little closer. But after what had happened with Higgs, the question rose in him with renewed force.
What if this was it?
What if this shaggy gray body on four legs was all he would ever be now?
His mind had returned. His memories had returned. Even his deeper emotions were back in full force—guilt, grief, yearning, tenderness, anger, hope. He thought clearly now…reasoned clearly…remembered enough of who and what he had once been to know exactly what he was missing.
But perhaps that was all the Goddess intended to restore. Perhaps she had given him back his mind…but not his male form.
Perhaps this was her judgment on him.
You loved once, a cold voice in his head whispered. You were given your one true mate and lost her. That was your blessing, and that was your tragedy. Now you may love again if you must—but only from a distance. Only from the skin of a beast.
Brux shut his eyes tightly. He didn’t want to believe that. And yet…the Goddess usually granted a Lykan only one mate–that had always been the way.
One true female to tether his soul and steady his mind. One to share his life and his body and his Bond. One to call him back from the void.
He had already had that blessing once, perhaps he had no right to ask for it again. Maybe Kiera had been sent to save him, not as a second mate, but as a kindness. As a hand held out to pull him back from total mindlessness. Maybe the way she had saved him was a mercy but not a future.
The thought made something inside him twist painfully.
Because if that was true—if he could love her and protect her and sleep wrapped around her warm, soft body every night, but never stand before her as a man, never tell her what she meant to him, never Bond her to him and make her fully his… it would be a cruel fate.
Cruel…but perhaps deserved.
Brux remembered too well how he had given up after losing his first mate. How he had let himself slip into the void. How he had stopped fighting and simply drifted downward into the beast.
Maybe that was his failure–maybe that was why the Goddess withheld his other form from him now–because he had not been strong enough to hold onto it before.
A deep sadness settled over him then, heavy and cold as winter. He felt hopeless and helpless and worst of all, trapped.
Across the room, Kiera had finished her drink. She rose, stretched a little, and smiled at him.
“Well, boy,” she said softly, “I think I’m ready for bed. What about you?”
Brux got to his feet at once. For her, he was always ready for anything.
She laughed a little when he came immediately to her side.
“I know, I know—you never miss bedtime.”
She switched off the main glows and led the way down the curving hallway toward the bedroom.
Buck followed so closely that the side of his body brushed her legs every few steps.
He couldn’t seem to help himself after what had happened earlier when that bastard had grabbed her–he needed to know where she was at all times…
needed to feel her near him…needed to reassure himself that Higgs had not somehow taken her away when he wasn’t looking.
When they got to the bedroom, Kiera changed into one of her soft oversized shirts and slipped into bed with a tired sigh. Buck jumped up after her without even waiting to be invited this time.
She gave him a look, then shook her head and smiled.
“Well, just make yourself at home. I guess I’ve spoiled you.”
Brux settled down beside her at once, not wanting her to change her mind.
Kiera switched off the bedside glow and the room sank into warm darkness. For a little while she was quiet. Then she rolled toward him and put her arms around his neck, snuggling close.
Brux’s breath caught in his throat in a soft whine.
There was never a time when her affection didn’t overwhelm him.
The simple sweetness of her trust…the warmth of her body curling into his…
the way she never seemed to realize that every touch of her hands sent sparks through him and made his battered heart beat harder. It all felt so good–so right.
He never wanted it to end.
“You’re a good boy,” she murmured sleepily, burying her face in his ruff.
Brux closed his eyes.
If only you knew, he thought. If only I could tell you.
Kiera sighed and settled closer, one soft thigh brushing his flank under the covers.
Brux swallowed hard and forced himself to be still. No matter what he felt…no matter how badly he wanted her…no matter how fiercely his body ached to claim and knot and Bond her…he would not frighten her by trying to mount her in his animal form.
Not ever.
If the Goddess had decided he was to remain trapped in beast shape forever, then so be it–he would bear it.
He would stay at Kiera’s side in whatever form he could.
He would herd her ridiculous escaped theebles and snufflers and jibblets.
He would sleep beside her every night and follow her every day.
He would drive away anyone who threatened her and, if necessary, lay down his life to keep her safe.
He would be faithful. He would be loyal. He would protect her.
Because he loved her.
Loved her more every day, though she still saw him as only a beloved and unusually intelligent pet.
Loved her enough that even if he could never make her his, even if he could never have the joy of feeling the Bond grow between them and knowing she belonged to him forever, he would still stay–he would still choose her.
Always.
Kiera’s breathing deepened as she drifted toward sleep.
Brux lowered his muzzle to the top of her head and breathed in her sweet scent. Then he curled himself more carefully around her, tucking her close against his chest and belly as though he could shield her from every danger in the galaxy by sheer force of will.
Maybe he would never shift again. Maybe this was the will of the Goddess—that he should love Kiera, but never Bond her to him.
If so, then he would accept it. He would not stop loving her. He would not stop guarding her.
And he would never, ever let her face the darkness alone.
With that vow burning steady and bright inside him, Brux finally closed his eyes and let the warmth of her body soothe some of the ache in his heart as he drifted off to sleep.