Chapter Fifteen
Today had been the best day of Ren’s entire existence.
The best. Hands down. By far.
She sipped on her sprite and watched Misty take a turn throwing an ax down the caged lane and sink it into the outer ring of the target.
She was beaming with pride when she turned around. “That’s all we needed, right? I did it?”
“Winners!” Although Ren was slightly certain that Dame and Mars had let them win, but whatever. She wasn’t going to tell Misty and ruin her victory lap, which she was currently taking by riding an imaginary stick horse in circles.
Mars winked at her from where he was standing with Dame, tallying up the score cards.
Ren had probably thirty pictures on her phone from today.
They’d walked around downtown Salt Lake City with Dame and Misty, found an awesome barbecue place to eat, found a record store Mars had surprised her with, and she picked out records for all of them based on a guess on what kind of musical tastes they all had, and they’d done a happy hour at this fancy hotel bar that overlooked the city, and then moseyed on down to their appointment at the ax throwing place.
And all the while, she’d worn her black dress to match Misty.
Ren’s was a little tight, but Mars seemed to really like the fit.
His eyes stayed glued to her cleavage. His staring had become the running joke of the day.
Stellan had only just shown up to meet them at the ax throwing bar, but he didn’t want to play with them.
He drifted back and forth between hanging out with them and going to the bar area to order drinks and food, to hanging outside, and back in a constant loop, like he was uncomfortable and his animal couldn’t settle.
His eyes had been glowing bright gold all night.
He was wearing sunglasses, but even through them, she could tell.
Currently, Stellan was sitting at the bar top in the room behind them, in Ren’s line of sight, spinning a full shot glass of what looked like whiskey. There was such a feeling of isolation that clung to him. It was as if he felt the need to be near them, but not with them.
These Ledger boys didn’t talk about their problems and danced delicately around stories of the ‘before.’ Before they were Turned.
But when it came down to it, they were raised by a cold mother, and a stepfather who did something unspeakable to them, and they had to live as adults knowing their mother chose their killer over them.
All they’d had to lean on growing up was the three of them.
Everything about Stellan screamed outsider, and she was curious why.
Ren stood and made her way to Mars, slid under his waiting arm, and hugged his waist. He leaned down and kissed her, then patted her butt and lowered his lips to her ear. “I kind of don’t want to go tomorrow.”
She smiled. “I’m going to remind you of this next year when you’re whining about not wanting to come here.”
He chuckled. “A reminder would be good. I’ll book us for a week next time.”
Ren slid a glance to Misty, who was sipping on an orange soda. She winked at her new friend. They both knew the week would happen in just a few months if everything went to plan.
“You should just stay an extra day,” Dame said.
“Ah, I’ve got a meeting with my lawyers, and Ren has to get back to work.”
“I mean, I could text my mom and ask to get one more shift covered.”
Mars looked down at her, and the corners of his blue eyes crinkled with his smile. “Yeah?”
“We already have to cancel our return flights because we have to drive your truck back. Can you change your lawyer meetings?”
“I can try. You want to ask your Mom if she can get your shift covered? If so, I’ll message my lawyers and ask if we can do a video conference.”
“What’s all this lawyer stuff?” Dame asked.
“It’s just life stuff at home.”
“Spill it.”
Mars puffed air out of his cheeks and admitted, “I sold my company, got screwed in the deal, made a huge mistake, and now they’re running it into the ground, and I’m figuring out my options of buying it back or at least getting it to run better under the new owners.
Maybe a part-time management position just to transition them better or something. I’m still working it all out.”
“What do you want to do?” Ren asked him.
“What everyone needs me to do is blow my savings on lawyer fees and save my old company—”
“Yeah, but what do you want to do?” she asked again.
Mars frowned thoughtfully. “I kind of want to start over. I kind of want to build something new. Save my money. Invest it into something I know how to grow.”
“The same type of company?” Dame asked. “Detailing?”
Mars nodded. “They’re firing my main guys over at the old one.
Contract says I couldn’t poach them, but since they’re doing the firing, I could hire them to help me build a new car detailing company.
” He shrugged. “I don’t really want to save someone else’s burning building.
It was mine and I was so proud of it, but now it isn’t.
I sold it for a reason, so…sometimes I want it to stay sold, cut my losses, cope, learn a hard lesson and build something new.
Maybe not make all the mistakes I did with the last one. ”
Dame said, “You could always start one here, in Salt Lake.”
“This again?” Mars asked, shoving his head. “You’re so annoying.”
Dame chuckled, and told him, “Hey, it’s worth a try.”
Ren felt eyes on them, so she turned slightly to find Stellan was still sitting at the bar, watching them. He didn’t look angry. Just distant. Or distracted, perhaps.
“I’ll be right back,” she told Mars, and he nodded and continued talking to Dame about possible plans for a new company name.
She loved that he was going back with the frame of a plan. They were headed back to the real world soon, but he had seemed stressed with the work stuff when they’d left. She could understand him needing to lead a company. He seemed like that type of personality. She bet he was a good and fair boss.
“What do you want?” Stellan asked.
“An ice water. I’m parched after winning ax throwing.” She slid onto the barstool next to him and ordered an ice water from the bored looking bartender.
Stellan was still slowly spinning the same full shot on a coaster.
“Not much for drinking tonight?” she asked.
“Not much for drinking ever. You know what I can’t figure out?” he asked, turning toward her. He pushed his sunglasses up on his head and she froze at how bright and unnatural his eyes were as he stared right into her soul.
“What?” she asked.
“Why you don’t smell like us.”
“Okay,” she gritted out, taking her ice water to leave.
“No, I’m serious. I’m not meaning to argue with you.”
“I don’t smell like you because I’m not you, Stellan.”
“Yeah, but you don’t smell like fur.”
She sat there half-on, half-off her seat, ready to run but unable to move a muscle under his stare. She sat here frozen, like prey.
“And then your eyes never change color. There is no shade difference at all. I know. I’ve watched. At first, I thought maybe you were wearing colored contacts, and pretending to be one of us, but that’s not it either, is it?”
A wave of nausea took her stomach. Oh no.
“And then I thought maybe you got your Cat killed. I’ve heard about that happening before. Big fight, and the Cat dies but the human side somehow splits off and lives. But you don’t have any scars on your arms or legs. It’s like you’ve never been in a fight at all.”
“Stellan, please,” she uttered, doubling over.
“What are you going to do when he wants to Change with you?” Stellan asked low. “How long are you going to trick him?”
The mention of a Change rolled the sickness through her entire body.
She had to go.
“You’re lying to him. You’re lying to my brother. There’s no Cat at all, is there.”
“Stop,” she pleaded stumbling for the front door. She needed air. She needed somewhere safe, and it was never inside when she lost herself.
Another wave of agony washed through her, and this was the part where her bones were supposed to break. This was the worst part, when her body was supposed to break, and reshape and find relief in her animal.
She hit the ground hard on her hands and knees and retched, then shuddered in the pain of an oncoming Almost-Change.
Mars would see her like this. Everyone would see her like this.
There was commotion behind her, and when she looked back, Mars’s fist cracked right across Stellan’s jaw. He was yelling at him. “What did you do to her?” he was screaming.
Misty was running for Ren, but time had slowed. Her face was full of worry. Dame was behind her, yelling as Mars pinned Stellan to the bar.
The first seizure took Ren, and she closed her eyes against it. Couldn’t help it. She wouldn’t be in control of anything anymore.
Something was shoved in her mouth. Something hard. Her jaw clenched as her body seized. Her bones should be breaking. Her bones…her bones…her worthless frozen bones…
“I’ve got you.” Was she imagining his voice?
Mars?
“I’ve got you.” It was him. He’d said it again.
Her body relaxed out of the seizure slowly, and she grunted at the relief of just being able to draw a big breath. His warmth saturated her, chasing the cold from her veins. He was holding her so tightly against his chest. Her skin tingled and burned like she’d been struck by lightning.
She eased her eyes open, and he was looking up, watching where he carried her. “Door,” he gritted out. “Thank you.”
Dame shoved the door open ahead of them, and the night air enveloped them.
“Here. Stop biting down,” Misty murmured from beside them. She pulled something from Ren’s mouth. A stack of coasters? Misty was a nurse. Ren knew what she’d done. She’d kept her from biting her tongue.
God, Mars was seeing her like this. She couldn’t move yet. Everything hurt.
Misty’s hand slipped around hers. “We’re taking you to some woods. It’s going to be okay.”
“No woods,” she choked out. “I can’t.”
Mars frowned down at her with a frown of confusion. “You’re just fighting the Cat too hard.”
She winced as she moved her neck in a headshake. “Half…Cat…”
“Half-Cat?” Mars uttered on a breath.
It hurt too badly to nod. She didn’t want to look at his face right now. She didn’t want to see the disgust, so she closed her eyes.
“Oh fuck,” Dame said low somewhere near them.
“Oh my gosh,” Misty said, her heart in her tone. She squeezed her hand tighter. “Let’s take her back to our place.”
She thought Mars would lay her in the seat in the back, but he didn’t. He climbed up in the back seat and cradled her in his lap. It was pity. She’d never ever wanted him to see her in an Almost-Change. They were her greatest shames.
No, she hadn’t killed her Cat like Stellan had said. Ren didn’t even know what her Cat was. Cougar? Tiger? Cheetah? She’d never seen her. The animal had been born frozen inside of her, just out of reach—the curse of a Cat father and a human mother.
She was the result of a mistake.
She was a mistake.
A tear slid out of the corner of her eye, and she lifted her hand to wipe it away with her knuckles. She couldn’t look at Mars, but she could tell he was looking at her. Instead, she looked at the back of Dame’s driver’s seat and wished she had never come here with Mars.
Today had been the best day, and the worst day.
Misty checked her pulse and told the boys she would be just fine.
Of course she would. She would go through an Almost Change a thousand more times in her life.
That was the curse—the suffering. The not being able to reach the one thing she yearned for the most—the missing part of her.
The animal. The most important part of her.
The Ambush didn’t talk much on the way home. There was a heaviness in the car, and she understood. They’d thought she was one of them, and it turned out she was an imposter. She didn’t blame them for getting quiet.
Ren didn’t know where Stellan was. Maybe he’d bounced before they’d loaded up, or maybe Mars and Dame had just left him at the bar on purpose.
She’d meant to talk to Stellan and make him feel included, but it had all gone so wrong.
She closed her eyes as another tear streamed down her cheek. Mars wiped it away, and she tried so hard to keep the breakdown inside of her.
Dame drove them straight to the barn apartment, and Mars pushed the door open, and got out. He set her gently on her feet. Misty met them by the truck door and pulled her into a gentle hug. “We will talk in the morning when you’ve had some rest,” she promised.
“Okay,” Ren said softly. Her voice was raw and scratchy, like she’d been screaming. Hell, maybe she had. She never had her whole mind in an Almost-Change and tried to do them when she was all alone.
This happening in front of Mars and the others was actually her worst nightmare realized.
She padded slowly around the side of the barn with Mars to the back door of the apartment.
They’d left it unlocked earlier. Her body always felt so strange after and Almost-Change, like she was floating, and like her arms and legs didn’t work right.
She stumbled on the porch and caught herself on the back of the chair Mars had sat in last night, making her donut s’mores.
Just last night they had been laughing hysterically, and now they would never laugh again.
She’d done this too early.
Mortified didn’t even begin to describe her feelings.
He was there, hand on her shoulders, pulling her upward. He helped her into the apartment and she dragged a forced, exhausted smile up to him. Stupid tears just needed to stay in place right now. “I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I’m going to…” She pointed to the bathroom.
“I think I need a few minutes. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry,” she said. The tears were burning her eyes and threatening to escape.
She made her way into the bathroom and hung her head as she rested her cheek against the edge of the door.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, unable to help herself.
She couldn’t think straight this close to an Almost-Change.
When she glanced up at him, he looked so sad. She hated it.
Ren closed the door and pressed her palms and forehead against the door, closing her eyes as she wished tonight had never happened. She would never forget this moment or the shame.
She went into the bathtub with all her clothes on, closed the shower curtain, and curled her knees to her chest. She squeezed her eyes tightly closed and regretted so many things.
A sob took her and she sank down to the cold bathtub floor, curling her knees up to her chest as she let the heartache consume her.
She’d wanted to keep him.
More than anything, she’d really wanted to keep him.