15. Olive
15
OLIVE
I relax in the seat as we drive up the steep mountain, my sleepy eyes ready to close. My legs and feet ache from our four-mile hike around parts of Mountain Lake. Maybe it’s not strenuous for most people because it was fairly flat terrain, but I woke up this morning with sore muscles from dancing at the party and yesterday’s exercise. Have you ever heard the phrase “second day burn”? Enough said.
Despite the pain, I couldn’t be happier or feel more alive. As we hiked leisurely along the dirt trails, we chatted about little things and goofed around a lot. I miss letting loose and not having a care in the world, and Leo seems to be the perfect person to do that with. My favorite part was how we couldn’t stop touching each other. Holding hands, his arm draped over my shoulders, my arm wrapped around his lower back. My soul is at ease with him, as if I’ve known him my entire life. If only this could last longer than a week.
Why can’t it?
“We’re almost there.” Leo nudges my thigh. My stomach swooshes as we round another curve. I’m surprised I’m not nauseous from the winding roads. Leo turns on his left signal and drives into a parking lot where a small group of people are getting into a minivan.
“This is my favorite viewpoint in this area,” he says. “What I want to show you is a few minutes’ walk from here.” He gets out of the car, runs around to my side, and opens the door for me.
I turn to get out of the car, and my legs and feet scream. Wincing, I stand up and pretend everything’s fine, but it’s obviously not true when I move like an old lady. Leo chuckles behind me when he closes the door. I stretch one thigh at a time.
“Man, I’m out of shape. My body’s not used to this much exercise anymore.”
“Most of the hotels I stay in have great fitness studios. I have no excuse.” He strolls toward a path and I follow.
Since he’s not facing me, I take the chance to be bold. “Well, it’s working, whatever you’re doing. It was hard not to notice before I almost passed out yesterday.” Look at you flirting! You go, girl. “Maybe that’s why I was breathless.”
He turns around with a cocky grin that I want to kiss off his gorgeous face. “Miss Olive, are you admitting to have looked below my chin yesterday in the sauna?” He places his hand over his chest. “I feel violated.”
“ Excuse me. Don’t forget, you saw my boobs up front and center.” How am I talking to him about my boobs like we’re talking about the weather?
He taps his temple. “Something I won’t forget. But, Olive, it was only for a few seconds. I told you, I was a perfect gentleman. I wrapped them up with care.” He wiggles his eyebrows.
I tip my head back and laugh. I can’t with this guy. Now I’m picturing him tying a red ribbon around my bare breasts. Besides my legs aching, my cheeks are too. I can’t stop smiling—simply being close to him brightens my day.
“Too bad I didn’t get to witness the disappearance of your itty-bitty towel. Then we could call it even.”
“I’d be lying if I said I was sorry. And I ain’t no liar, beautiful.”
He stops and turns around near a bench. He’s such a distraction that I haven’t been paying attention to where we’re going. I guess I’d follow him right over a cliff. Nice visual, Olive.
He points to the view in front of us. I gasp. “Worth the drive, isn’t it? Saved the best for last.”
I pull out my phone and take several pictures. Definitely some framers among them.
“We’re at the top of Mount Constitution. It’s one of the best views of the San Juan Islands,” he explains, motioning again to the spectacular outlook. “It’s been a while since I came up here with someone.”
In the far distance, a snowy mountain peak emerges out of billowy clouds. “What mountain is that?”
“That’s Mount Baker over on Lummi Island.” He wanders over to the bench and sits. I do the same, and he automatically puts his arm around me, pulling me closer to him. Swoon . “I like coming up here to think and relax. We’re lucky that we’re the only ones here. Gotta love off season.”
We both take a deep breath at the same time. The crisp, clean air tingles in my lungs. We’re still for a few minutes, enjoying the peace and quiet. This is the place to be to clear your mind. I wish I knew what he’s thinking about.
“We couldn’t get any better with the view. I didn’t expect everything to look this clear today.” He squeezes my shoulder. “You’re lucky. Somebody must be watching over us.”
I rub my cold hands between my legs. It’s chillier here than I expected. I didn’t notice when I got out of the car. Slowly, the day is catching up with me, and a cloud of gloom storms around me.
“Have you ever seen the movie City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
Leo shakes his head. “I’ve heard of it, but haven’t seen it. Why? Is it good?”
“A favorite of mine. Especially the soundtrack. I haven’t seen it in a long time.” I observe a bird near us, hopping around, searching for something to eat. “Do you believe in angels?”
He clears his throat. “I don’t know. Sometimes. Maybe. Wait…City of Angels. Los Angeles?”
I nod. “It takes place in LA. Nicolas Cage is an angel, and he falls in love with a mortal, Meg Ryan. He stands alongside people who are facing death. When they die, he guides them to the afterlife. Other times, he protects people in need. A guardian angel.”
He shifts toward me, and I look at him. “Olive, why are you telling me this? Does it have to do with why you left LA?” His concern wraps around my heart.
“A little. It makes me wonder what’s out there that we can’t see. I used to be an ICU nurse in a major hospital in LA. I witnessed devastating things every day, but I saw unbelievable miracles too.”
“I’m sure you did. Were you good at it?”
I pull my hat down on my head, like it’ll hide my humiliation. “I thought so. It came naturally to me and I really loved working in the medical field. But if I was, why did I just…leave…one day and move back home like a quitter?”
“You quit?” he says, surprise obvious in his voice.
“Yep. I thought I could handle anything. That I was invincible. Turns out I was wrong. Angels were sparse for the patients when I was there, but there always seemed to be one around me.” I’m mumbling more to myself than to him.
“Olive, I don’t understand.”
I look up at him again and admire the way the sun reflects in his curious and sympathetic golden eyes. Right then, I know I can tell him anything, and he won’t judge me.
He caresses my cheek with his thumb. “Tell me. We’re safe up here. No one can hear you. I won’t tell a living soul anything you say.”
I lean into his soft touch. “I worked in that hospital during the pandemic. I witnessed firsthand how people were dying left and right. So much death.” I close my eyes briefly and breathe through the chills that rack my body. “Old, young, healthy, sick—it didn’t matter who. That damn virus latched on, and too many times, it didn’t let go. The smell of illness and death, the horrifying noises of people choking and gasping for air, machines beeping, and dead bodies not being taken away fast enough… They’re all part of my nightmares.
“We were covered head to toe to protect us. My face and around my eyes were cut and bruised from the goggles we wore.” I point to a tiny scar beneath my left eye. Most people wouldn’t notice it, but I do every time I look in the mirror. “No matter how much you saw on the TV, it didn’t capture how truly helpless we felt or were.”
Leo touches the mark softly. “I noticed it when you were shaving me. I wondered what it was from.”
“Now you know.”
He embraces me, his cheek resting against the side of my head. “I’m sorry, Olive. Nothing I say can change anything, but I truly am.”
I lay my head on his shoulder. “It does help, believe me. But I think I’m a coward.”
“What? Why? You helped all of those people.”
I pull back and narrow my eyes. “Did I?”
“That’s why you asked me if I believed in angels?”
“Yeah. You’ll have to watch the movie to understand what I mean. I know it’s only a movie, but it really resonates with me. I haven’t seen it since I left LA.”
“We’ll watch it. Together.” He kisses my temple. “Keep talking.”
“Were there angels roaming around the hospital? A few of my close coworkers and friends died. To this day, I still haven’t contracted the virus. Has an angel been by my side the entire time to protect me? Why didn’t it protect the ones who suffered? Why was I allowed to live?” I look to my right. “Is there an angel sitting on this bench with us right now or standing over there by the edge of the cliff? Was an angel with my dad when he died? Or with your dad?”
Leo keeps quiet because he knows I don’t need an answer. I’m just throwing my thoughts out there.
“One day, a…another coworker lost her life, and I…I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I was physically and mentally depleted and devastated. The nonstop pace and sixteen-hour days were impossible. Death was all around me. I couldn’t stand being in my own skin.”
“You were in survival mode. Anybody would understand your decision. And I’m sure you weren’t the only one. I can’t fathom what you went through.”
“Healthcare professionals were desperately needed, but I left. I gave up, returned to my parents a quitter, hid in bed for a few months, and then moved out. Since then, I’ve spent my life sitting in my apartment in front of the TV or computer screen. What kind of person does that make me?”
“Human. It makes you human. Everybody reacts to situations differently. You were working in extreme conditions, and you didn’t have as much experience as others.”
It’s sweet that he tries to make excuses for me, but I hate it as well. I let people down, and I’m mortified.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself. I stopped talking to the people I knew in LA. They try to contact me once in a while. Some sent me birthday messages the other day, and I was too chickenshit to respond.”
“Have you been back to LA?”
I shake my head, looking at my hands folded in my lap. “Nope. Out of fear, of course. I don’t know how I’d mentally react.”
“Is that why you freaked out yesterday when you couldn’t breathe? Why you hate hospitals?”
I nod, biting on my lip to stop it from quivering.
“Maybe going there is something you need to do to put it behind you. Have you gone to therapy?”
“No. I thought I could deal with it on my own… Boy, was I wrong. Lately I’ve been thinking about finding a therapist. I should’ve gone a long time ago. Not only because of the pandemic, but because of the way I am. Things got worse when my dad died. I don’t think my mom or I have fully dealt with his death. All the energy she once devoted to loving him has shifted toward me now, and it’s stifling. My brother and uncle confronted me about my mom’s codependence and my misery. It was a huge wake-up call, and I knew I needed to do something. Coming here was the first step.”
“Has it helped?”
I rest my head on his shoulder again and sigh. “More than you know. I still have a ways to go, though. This is the most I’ve spoken about it in a long time. It felt good to let all that out.”
He caresses my arm. “I’ve been dealing with my own issues for a long time too. Maybe we can help each other.”
I pull my head back. “What problems do you have, Mr. Sunshine?”
He toys with my hair. “We all have things we’re dealing with, beautiful. Some show it more than others or differently.”
“Like what?”
He taps my nose. “Nope. Don’t even try it. We aren’t talking about me. Today is about you.”
“You’re not fair.” I pout.
“Life isn’t always fair,” he says, his voice losing its cheerfulness. Vulnerability takes over. “I learned that a long time ago.”
“Hey, you can’t be sad. You said this was my day.” I didn’t mean to drag him down with me.
His face brightens. “You’re right. Sorry. There’s something about you that makes me want to open up and dissect my past. Anyway, back to you. Would you ever consider working in a doctor’s office? It’s not a hospital, and you could use your nursing background. Or the pharmaceutical industry? Or teach?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready. Another reason to go to therapy.” I stand and take in the beauty in the distance, my hands stuffed in my coat pockets. “I’m sorry, Leo. I know I’m a fucking mess. I shouldn’t have dumped my shit on you. We were having such a great day.”
Seconds pass, then his arms embrace me from behind. I sigh in relief and relax against him like he’s my boyfriend. It’s amazing what a hug can do for someone. At this moment, I realize how touch starved I am.
“You’re not a mess, Olive. You’re grieving both the life you had and the loss of your father. Regardless of your problems, mood swings, whatever, I want to be around you. I need to be. The intensity of it is insane, but it doesn’t scare me.”
I turn in his arms and look into his loving eyes. “It’s crazy, but I’m the same. And I wouldn’t change it. I love being here with you.”
“Me too,” he says. “Me too. And I’m at the end of my rope trying to resist you. But I want to do this right and take it slow.”
Cold wind whips around us, and I shiver. Leo’s embrace tightens around me. My eyes drift to his mouth, and I wish I could feel his tempting lips against mine. He dips his head until our mouths are almost touching. My heart pounds like I’m running a marathon. Magical energy crackles around us. I close my eyes, waiting for his lips to brush mine. Kiss me, please. I’m desperate for his touch.
“Look at that view,” a person says in the distance, ruining the moment. My body goes rigid, and we break apart.
Interrupted again! I want to scream for them to leave, but it’s useless. Leo’s clenched jaw shows he’s not happy either. He said he wanted to take it slow. This is taking it at a snail’s pace.
Leo glances at his watch. “I didn’t realize how late it is. We need to get going if we want to get to Ma’s on time. Ma and Tonya are like drill sergeants with their schedules.” I like how he said Ma’s instead of my ma’s . There’s something more personal about it.
“That doesn’t surprise me. I can’t wait to eat,” I say.
“You won’t be disappointed.”
“I know that. I’ll be with you, and I have a feeling I’d be happy when I’m with you, regardless of where we are.”
“Such pressure. But I’ll take that challenge while you’re here. You’ll never want to leave.”
“But I will…because you won’t be here anymore. You’ll be off luxury hotel hopping, and I’ll be a distant memory.” During our hike, Leo told me about his job as a hotel critic. Who wouldn’t want to travel the world, stay in the best hotels, and make money doing it? I noticed something when he talked about it though—his enthusiasm diminished. I get the feeling he doesn’t really enjoy his job. But what do I know?
“Yeah, see. That’s where you’re wrong. There’ll be no forgetting you.”
I love it when he says things like this, but can I believe it? What could I offer him when I have too much baggage weighing me down? Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for me to come here to Orcas Island. Now I’m thinking I might go home with a much bigger problem.
A broken heart.