27. Leo
27
LEO
T his is a completely different kind of loss. I press my hand to my aching chest and take a few calming breaths. Yep, half of my heart is missing. The other half is now on the ferry with Olive, stuck to her like glue. Loss comes in all shapes and sizes. It tortures your soul until it becomes unbearable.
After a night full of laughter, conversation, and sex, we had hoped for a quiet breakfast together before she left. Didn’t happen. Olive’s alarm didn’t go off, so we had a quick goodbye in the hotel parking lot. She tried to get a ticket for the next ferry, but that one was canceled. I offered to drive with her to the ferry, but she declined, saying it’d make leaving even harder. I understood because I would’ve ridden it to the mainland and back to spend more time with her. Desperate much?
I have to keep telling myself this is only a temporary separation. Am I experiencing separation anxiety? Maybe. I lost my dad first, then Corey, and perhaps I’m scared I’ll lose her too. It’s temporary! When the time is right, we’ll be together again. But how long will we have to wait for us to be ready for forever?
This week went too fast, and I became attached to her without effort. She slipped right into my life, finding a permanent, cozy spot in my heart. Isn’t that how it should be when your soul finds its perfect match? A lot of others have tried to penetrate and mend it over the years. Not only women, family and friends did too. My heart wasn’t ready to love or open up again until Olive unexpectedly appeared. Then it screamed at me, “There she is. Finally!”
Olive’s absence differs from what I felt when Corey died. Corey and I had a connection since birth. He was a constant in my life, and I didn’t know any different. He was the closest thing to having a twin brother in every way except for different parents. Our connection was indescribable on a completely emotional, platonic level. How do you sever an invisible line to someone after twenty-five years without feeling like a piece of your soul has been torn away?
My connection with Olive is mending my broken soul and filling it with a love I never knew existed. A love that is not only emotional but physical. When she’s near, an all-consuming wave of passionate desire thrums beneath my skin. From day one, I saw my future with her in it as my wife, best friend, mother of our children, and the woman whose hand I’ll be holding until we’re old and gray.
And now I’m sitting alone on our bench planning how to execute Operation Make Olive Fall in Love with Me . I only got a few hours of sleep last night, though, and yawns keep slipping from my mouth. I startle when a hand grips my right shoulder.
“Sorry,” Sully says, walking around the bench. “Late night?”
I eye him wearily. “What do you think?”
“I hope so. Up for some company?”
“Um. Yeah. Sure.” I move over to give him some room. “Did you leave Smokey at home?”
He sits next to me and unzips his jacket a couple of inches. Smokey’s little head peeks out, and she releases a light meow as if she’s saying hi or complaining it’s too cold. I scratch behind her ears, regardless of whether she or Sully like it or not. No complaints from either. A win for me.
Looking out at the water and enjoying the view, we sit in comfortable silence. I’m used to that when I’m with him, but this is a different quiet. He shocked me last night when he stopped to say goodbye to Olive. I’ll wait him out until he says something.
“Figured I’d find you out here. Maybe I should claim a tree and a bench to sulk under.”
“I’m not sulking.”
“Oh, sorry. I guess that’s only my job.”
“ Pfft. You don’t sulk. You scowl.”
He shrugs while petting Smokey. “Not gonna deny it.”
I turn to see him better. “Thanks for coming over last night. It meant a lot to Olive…and me.”
Another shrug. “She’s good for you.”
I pretend to almost fall off the bench. “Holy shit. Was that a compliment from you, Mr. Grouch?”
Sully smacks me upside the head. “Don’t be a dick.” I smooth out my hair, and Smokey hisses at Sully. Is she telling him to behave? “You probably think I don’t pay attention to anything except my shitshow of a life.”
I rest my elbow on the bench. “Basically. But it’s understandable.”
And another shrug. His muscles are going to cramp one day, and his shoulders are going to get stuck to his ears.
“My eyes are always open. Remember how pissed off you and Corey would get because I knew your secrets or whatever shit you got up to? I’m observant.” Then he shakes his head and scoffs. “Not that it did shit for me with my current situation. How could I have been that blind? How did I not notice my best friend and business partner screwing around with my fiancée?” He growls. “Sorry, I’m not here to talk about me.”
“You know, it’s okay to talk about what happened, Sul. I mean, I don’t have room to talk”—I roll my eyes at myself—“but please, promise me you won’t be as stupid as me to waste so much time feeling sorry for yourself. You won’t get that time back. It’s okay to mourn what you’ve lost and mend your heart along the way. But I’ve wasted too much time, lost too many friendships, drove my family batty—and what did I get out of it?”
“Olive,” he says with finality. I didn’t expect that from him. Neither did he. He looks as surprised as me that he said it.
“Since when did you become such a wise fucker?” I punch his arm. “You’re right, though. But I wish I had met her earlier. I could’ve spent that time with her instead of alone at some hotel, avoiding my past like a selfish shit.”
“You can’t change it now. I can’t either. I’ve seen a difference in you and it makes me happy to see my little brother coming back. You’re kind of a mixture of the old and new, which is a pretty good deal. Gives me hope that my life won’t be like this forever.” He waves his hand in front of himself. “That I won’t always be like this. Stuck in a big black fucking hole.”
Smokey licks the back of Sully’s hand to comfort him. Maybe I should get a cat. Negative . In a couple of months, things will get better. I hope.
“I promise you won’t. My issues haven’t disappeared, but I’m on the right track now. One day you’re going to wake up and find yourself in a life that’s better than you could’ve imagined. And you’re going to be thankful. And it doesn’t have to be because of a woman. It could be a job decision. Or you could win the lottery.” He narrows his eyes at me. “Come on, you know what I mean.”
“Fine. Let’s stop talking about my problems. Don’t let Olive go. Fight for her. Is that where I went wrong? Maybe I didn’t focus enough on our relationship. On her.”
“Don’t blame yourself. There were others involved. I’m glad you found out before you got married.”
“Me too.” He crosses his ankles in front of him. “So what are you going to do now?”
“I have an idea. I threw a bunch of stuff in Mom’s attic after Corey died. Aunt Betty’s too. Want to go look through it with me? It’ll be tough, but I think it’s about time. What do you say? Do you have work to do?”
“Ehhh. There’s always shit to be done here, but we know the owner. We can skip work for a little while. I think we could all use a good dose of the past. Want to ask Tonya too? Maybe she’ll whip up some martinis. I wouldn’t care if they’re the fucking pink ones either. And then she can fulfill her daily quota of organizing shit.” He chokes on a laugh.
I cover my gasp with a cough, hoping he didn’t notice. It’s amazing that he’s joking around and talking this much. Sully was known for his boisterous laugh. I look forward to the day he finds it again. I look away and blink to keep my emotions in check. Then it hits me. This is how everyone else felt when they saw me dance and sing again.
“Sounds like a plan. Thanks, Sully. I feel a hell of a lot better.”
“Anytime. Maybe you can return the favor one day.”
I stand and wipe off the back of my jeans. “You can count on it. But it better be under your own tree and bench.”
He adjusts Smokey in his jacket and zips it up. Then he stands and pulls me in for a hug, keeping enough space between us so we don’t crush her.
“Love you, bro,” I say, patting him once on the back.
“Love you too.” He pushes me away and I balance myself. “Now, enough of this shit. Let’s go down memory lane, get drunk in the middle of the day, and forget about everything else.”
“You’re on.”
I’ve missed this.
I’ll never take a second for granted again.