42. Leo
42
LEO
I n the intimate banquet room where we’re holding Corey’s memorial lunch, loud chatter fills the air as waiters circulate, clearing away the dirty lunch plates. By the door, Tonya and Louis discuss when to bring in the dessert platters.
Standing around Corey’s grave this morning was tough with everyone there, but delivering a speech to the same group will be worse.
“Are you ready?” Olive asks, squeezing my hand. “Say everything that’s in your heart. Don’t hold back.”
“I’ll try,” I reply, my knee bouncing in sync with my rising heart rate.
Tonya approaches and taps my shoulder. “It’s your turn. Take your time.”
I push back my chair and head to the front where a large picture of Corey is displayed. Silence takes over the room, and all eyes are on me. I take a few seconds to settle, then begin.
“I wasn’t sure I could deliver a speech today. My chest feels like it’s going to cave in any second, and the tears want to break free again. But it’s okay that I feel sad and angry because emotions prove one thing: I’m alive. Something Corey is not. No matter how hard he fought, the cancer was stronger.
“When Corey died, a part of me died too. I didn’t know how to live without my cousin and best friend. Wherever I was, he wasn’t too far behind. For the last five years, I’ve been only existing in this world, not living.
“The day after his funeral, I packed up our memories, adventures, and milestones. They’ve been collecting dust in boxes as if they had no value. I’ve pushed friends and family away and replaced them with people who didn’t know Corey. As time passed, glimpses of my old self emerged, but never fully returned. Instead of giving myself permission to grieve, I’ve been pretending it never happened. Traveling gave me an escape. Avoidance was excellent medicine until it didn’t numb the pain anymore. I’m not proud of these actions.
“It so happens that someone recently appeared in my life who woke my sorry ass up.” I grin at Olive, and Tonya nudges her. “A quiet, troubled, and alluring woman arrived at the hotel on New Year’s Eve. One look at Olive, and my whole life changed. She came here to escape her troubled life, but her bravery and drive were awe-inspiring. Then I thought to myself, if she can do it, then why can’t I? Maybe we could both learn to live again, together.”
“I know this speech is supposed to be about Corey, and that’s where I’m headed. In that first week Olive spent here, we became close. We talked about the things in our past and how they had affected us. And then she went home. I went directly to Mom’s and spent hours in the attic with Sully and Tonya. We looked through photo albums and videos, sifted through travel souvenirs, sorted clothes we wore when we performed, and flipped through little notebooks filled with our ideas. And I cried.” My voice cracks, and I look at the ceiling to control myself.
“I cried for Corey and how he suffered. I cried about the unfairness of being alive while he wasn’t. I cried because a piece of me will always be missing because he’s no longer here. And I cried because I wasted five years of my life, and he would’ve given anything to have five more.
“And…I cried until there were no tears left because I found a letter from him that was stuck between two of his favorite books. Why I didn’t see it when I packed everything up, I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to find it until now.”
I pull the letter from my pocket and unfold it. “This is what he wrote.”
Leo, sorry about the handwriting. It was always shit, but it’s even worse now. Fucking cancer. I see you’ve finally found this letter. I bet it’s years after I left the building. How did I know? Are you really asking that question? We were joined at the hip since birth. I know you better than anyone. I bet you’ve been wearing your comedian mask and hiding everything else deep down inside since the day I died. You probably don’t dance or sing or anything anymore. Am I right?
Don’t live like this when you’ve been given a longer life than me. It was my time to go, not yours. Don’t act like you’re lying in that rotting, suffocating coffin with me. We had the time of our lives, lived in the moment, and I’m so thankful that I got to spend all my favorite moments with you, doing what we loved. God, did we have fucking fun, or what?
Sully and Tonya crack up, and Aunt Betty shakes her head with a grin. She’s probably upset with the language. She was constantly on his ass about swearing. Uncle Mason smiles with watery eyes.
Eventually, you’ll find another ride or die along the way. Maybe you already have by the time you find this letter. If not, when you do, don’t run away out of fear like a dumbass. Embrace her—yes, her—and dive in, just like you would when I was alive. You always craved adventure and loved life. I’m getting tired and my handwriting looks like a first grader learning how to write the alphabet during a nap. All I ask is that you don’t forget me, and don’t forget to live because, if you do, I’ll kick your ass when I see you again. You know I will. Thanks for being the best friend I ever had. I’ll be watching you from above. Make me proud.
And most of all, dance and sing your heart out. You were made to do it!
Peace out, Corey
Laughter fills the room because that’s how Corey always said goodbye.
“This is what Corey would want—us laughing at his expense and living our lives to the fullest. We shouldn’t take a single moment for granted. He understood this better than anyone, especially me.” I stare at his handwriting, then lift up the letter. “I’ll never know why I didn’t find this until I needed it most. I think it proves there’s something magical around us. We all hate the cliché, everything happens for a reason , but I think maybe it does. Thanks for listening. I love you all.” Then I look up and say, “Love you too, Cor.”
I fold up the letter and everyone claps as I return to my seat next to Olive. I hug her and bury my face against her. She rubs the nape of my neck with her hand.
“I’m proud of you,” she murmurs. “It was a beautiful speech. I wish I could’ve met him. What a handful you two must’ve been.”
“You got that right. I’m surprised we have hair left on our heads,” Mom says. Aunt Betty is at her side, nodding in agreement. “Wonderful speech, honey.”
“Thanks, Ma.”
I hold Olive close to my side because I can. We are alive and our future is ahead of us.