CHAPTER ELEVEN
RIKER
I’m lying with my head in her lap staring blankly at the ceiling. I don’t see the water damage from where the washer was leaking in the laundry room directly above the bed. I don’t notice the cobwebs in the corner over my recliner where I never bother to reach up and dust. I can’t even tell that the fan blades, which are currently still, are entirely covered in a thick layer of dust, and now thanks to Harley’s frequent visits, dog hair.
I know they are. Same as I know about the cobwebs and water damage. Because I’ve spent countless hours lying here without her, staring up at those very things, unable to see anything else and unwilling to pick my ass up and do anything about it.
Tonight is different. Tonight, no matter where I direct my attention it keeps coming back to her. I’m completely devoid of the ability to focus on anything outside of her. She consumes me, like a riddle I am desperate to solve but no matter how I approach it, I just can’t. And for every clue I unveil along the way to cracking her code, I find myself only more and more confused. Somehow figuring her out was easiest when I knew nothing about her. Now, the more I know, the more I discover how much I don’t know. And it’s driving me out of my fucking mind. Not because she isn’t entitled to her secrets. We all are. But because I have a feeling not knowing hers will wind up costing me what I want. What I’m starting to need. Her .
She’s ruined me. She’s destroyed the man who didn’t give two shits about his life and left behind a pile of rubble determined to rebuild itself into something better, a man more worthy than I’ve been these last few years .
Her hand is gently stroking my hair as she tips her head to smile down at me. “Comfortable?” Her smile turns almost childlike as she reveals her silly side by stealing the covers and leaving my naked ass bare on the cold hardwood floor. We’d started on the bed. We just hadn’t finished there.
“Hey! It’s cold over here. I’m not the one with a human heater lying in my lap.”
She giggles. “Oh, so you’re a hothead. That’s good to know.” But she returns the blanket and covers the both of us again.
“Only when dealing with assholes. Never with you.” I’m not necessarily looking to turn this into some sort of a moment, but I need her to know it. To believe it without a doubt. Because her trust in me depends on it. And moving forward with her will be impossible without that trust.
She bends down to kiss me, gradually deepening the kiss as I open up and let her in. My hand moves up around the back of her head, my fingers roaming through her thick, wild hair. I’m still twirling a long strand of it when she pulls back.
“Quinn?”
“Yes, Riker.” She’s smirking because she knows how much I like it when she says my name. I’m tempted to tug at the hair still in my hand to bring her back down where I can kiss that sweet mouth all over again. But I don’t.
“Remember the first night you came over? ”
She scrunches her eyes together. “Vaguely.”
She’s a brat. “Yeah, same here.” I yank at her hair. Not hard, just enough to remind her I’m not the only one with vulnerabilities between us.
“Ow! Fine! I remember. You were a stud and a half and delivered five happy endings before I went running back home, delirious and exhausted. What’s your point?”
Between the way her lips move when she speaks and the words stud and happy endings still ringing in my ears, I almost forget I have one.
“You said you’d never fall for another loser who didn’t have his shit together.” I spit out the words before I fully remember why I’m bringing them up again.
Her brow curves, and I can tell she’s not sure why either. “Actually, I said that the second time I came over. But what’s your point?”
I laugh. “Sorry, that whole first week sort of blurs together for me now, what with all the lack of sleep I was experiencing.” I pause, trying to focus on my original topic again. “Anyway, I’ve just been wondering what you meant by that. I mean, I know my place is kind of a shithole compared to the house you live in. And my truck is about three decades older than anything sitting in your sister’s garage.” I have a whole list I’ve been making for a while now, but she’s shaking her head at me and I’m pretty sure she’s fighting the urge to smack me, so I stop talking.
“You’re a dumbass.” Yeah. She was definitely thinking about slapping me. Even if it was just to startle some brain cells back into action. “Having your shit together has nothing to do with money or the amount of fancy crap you own. It’s knowing the difference between having a bed to sleep in and a home to come to. The difference between taking care of yourself and eating ramen noodles for dinner every night of the week. And the difference between having a random job to get you by and doing what you love and want to be doing for the rest of your life, or at least working toward doing that. If having your shit together had anything to do with money, I couldn’t claim to have my shit together. Which, clearly, I do.” Her hand drops to her chest, indicating herself.
Between the gesture and her haughty expression, I can’t help but laugh again. “No, you don’t. ”
“Um, I resent that. I totally do.” But the underlying sarcasm in her voice suggests otherwise.
“You live with your sister. You eat leftover shit out of my fridge, and on occasion you’ve even nuked a cup of ramen noodles. The only one I’ll give you is the job one. No one can argue the fact that you’re pursuing something you’re passionate about.”
Her index finger shoots straight into the air like she’s about to make her argument, and I can’t wait to hear what it is.
“Excuse me, but I said nothing about actually doing one over the other. I simply stated one would know the difference between the two. Which I do. And, someday, when I get bored with the amazing sex I have over here, I can move out of my sister’s conveniently located abode to one farther away, and then I’ll stop being able to run over here on a daily basis to eat your shitty food.”
I lift myself up out of her lap and prop myself up onto my side. “So that’s why you come here. Just the sex.”
Her eyes flit back and forth as the corners of her mouth twitch playfully. “I believe I said ‘amazing.’”
“Hm. And here I was starting to think it was my shitty food.” My hand slips up behind her neck to bring her to me. Not that I need to. She’s moving toward me all on her own. I’m about to pick her up and put her back in the bed so I can do all the things that make her forget the shitty food I feed her, when there’s a knock on the door.
“What the hell was that?” Quinn’s face is both confused and frustrated, and I’m pretty sure mine is a mirror image.
I’m about to answer when the knocker repeats the offense and does it again. “Riker? Get your lazy ass out of bed and open the door. It’s cold out here.”
It’s Sid .
And I’m not the only one who recognizes her voice. “What is Sidney doing here at ten o’clock at night?” Quinn hisses, definitely unimpressed with our late-night visitor. And I don’t think it’s only due to interrupting what we were doing. Or about to do, anyway.
“I need you to do me a favor and go wait in the bathroom while I get rid of her.” Even as I hear myself say the words, I know how horrible they sound. “Please. I promise I’ll explain as soon as she leaves.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” But she’s already up on her feet, so I’m hoping she’s just letting me know how pissed she is while doing what she’s pissed about.
“I’m sorry. I swear to you I’ll answer every question in a minute.” I reach for the closest pair of sweats and start to pull them on while she huffs her way to the bathroom. Then, as soon as I hear the door shut behind her, I go to let in Sid.
QUINN
I didn’t have time to grab any clothes on my way in here. Something I’m now annoyingly aware of as I’m standing naked in front of the mirror. The same mirror I was so enamored with a couple of hours ago. Now I kinda hate it. I hate it even more when I see my face. It’s ugly, painted with disgusting feelings like shame and jealousy, and I have half a mind to bust out of here buck-ass naked to confront Riker and Sidney. But then I’d have to add humiliation to the list of ugliness, and I’m all tapped out already.
Since causing a massive scene is out of the question, I opt for the next most appeasing thing and eavesdrop by pressing the side of my head to the door as tight as I can.
“What the hell happened in here, Riker? It looks like a fucking bomb went off. You’ve got half your bedding on the floor. There are clothes everywhere. Why don’t you use some of the money you’re not spending on car payments or rent and hire a maid? You could definitely use one.” She sounds like she’s trying to make a joke while still being completely serious. I’m familiar with the tactic. Kirsten uses it on me all the time. Like the humorous delivery somehow makes the condescending message less offensive. It doesn’t.
“I can manage doing a load of laundry without hiring someone.” He’s moving around, probably picking up the scattered clothes before she notices they’re mine. I don’t get it. I don’t think they’re together. After everything that’s happened in the last couple of days, I can’t imagine he would have lied to me about that. Besides, when would he have time to see her? I’m here every night.
“Sometimes I wonder. You do wear that same damn flannel shirt almost every day.” She giggles at her own comment, and I’m pretty damn sure this is her attempt at flirting.
“I bought a pack of five. They’re different shirts. They just look the same.” He exhales loudly. “Can you just get to the point and tell me what you’re doing here so late? Because I seriously doubt it was to hassle me about my lack of housekeeping skills.” I’m oddly satisfied by how annoyed he sounds right now. Even if she’s into him, he’s not feeling it. Although that still doesn’t explain why I was shunned to the bathroom like his dirty little secret. Especially given how unconcerned he seemed earlier at the ranch when he was kissing me goodbye for the entire world to see. Of course, Sidney had been in the barn for the whole thing and no one else had been around.
“Honestly? I couldn’t sleep. The whole thing with Nox today. I don’t know. It just got to me. I don’t know what I would have done if we had lost him.” Toward the end, her words are muffled, and I know there’s only one reason they would be. He’s holding her. Right there. Outside this door. And I hate him for it. And then I hate myself for hating him for it. Because he’s a good man. And she’s hurting. And of course he would console her. He would do whatever he could to make the pain go away. I know that. Without a doubt. Because that’s precisely what he does for me.
“He’s going to be fine, Sid. I’m not going to let anything happen to him. You know that. Same as I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” I hear something that sounds unsettlingly similar to a kiss. “I’m here for you. You know that.”
“Yeah, well. Next time don’t take so long answering the damn door. It makes a girl wonder,” she grumbles, but it’s not muffled anymore so I’m going to assume she’s no longer in his arms.
“Won’t happen again. I’m sorry.” He chuckles, that deep, quiet chuckle. The one I stupidly thought belonged to me. Why the hell I thought that I don’t know. I guess because until now we’ve existed in this tiny bubble where I never heard him interact with anyone else. Of course he would chuckle around other people. Other women. Women he was promising to look after for all eternity. Why is that making me want to claw my way out of my own skin?
“Okay. I think I’m good now.” I hear footsteps, hopefully headed for the door.
“You sure? You could stay a while if you wanted.” Like hell she could. How fucking long does he plan on keeping me stashed in here?
Thankfully, she’s ready to leave. “I’m good. Really. I just needed something to snap me out of the funk. So thank you.” The door opens. Then it closes. And I come flying out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell riding a broomstick.
“Quinn.” His hand draws out to catch me.
“Get off of me.” I shrug out of his grip. “I have to go.”
He steps into my path but doesn’t touch me again. “Just let me explain.” He hands me one of his stupid flannel shirts, and I slip it on .
“Fine. Explain. But I’m telling you right now, chances are good I won’t give a shit. I don’t much care for being trapped and locked away out of sight.”
He squints at me for a second longer than I’d like, and I’m sure I emphasized the word trapped more than I should have.
“I’m sorry I asked you to wait in the bathroom. I’m even more sorry you felt trapped. I wasn’t trying to confine you...just keep things from getting complicated.”
I twist the shirt tight around my body. “I don’t know, Riker. Sounds like you and Sidney are already pretty fucking complicated. You obviously care about her. What’s the problem? She won’t get involved with the help? Doesn’t want to deal with your half-assed way of living? Or maybe she just can’t stand wading through the constant pool of self-loathing one has to cross to get to you.” I’m raging at him now. Hurling every hurtful thing that comes to mind in his direction. And I don’t even know if he really deserves it or not.
“Are you done?” His hands are hanging listless at his sides, and his eyes, God, his eyes. They’re so dark and deep I’m certain he’s in there drowning. And I don’t know what to fucking do to save him because I’m going under myself.
“Yeah. I’m done.” I nod. “We’re done.” I start to walk away, but his hand comes out and touches mine, his fingers lacing into mine until our palms are connecting.
“She’s my sister-in-law,” he says sadly. “Or she would have been if Hannah hadn’t died before they were able to get married.”
I turn around, speechless.
He shrugs, the agony casting a shadow over his face. “They were engaged for seven years. They built a life together. Were planning on children. And grandchildren. Now I’m all she has left. Me and that damn horse.”
“Oh.” That, I did not see coming .
His hand still twined with mine, he brings me to him until he’s completely invading me, eyes tied to mine, so close we’re breathing the same breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. And I’m even more sorry if I made you feel like I was hiding you from her. I was actually trying to keep her from you . She’s protective of me. And overbearing now that she doesn’t have anyone else to worry about. She means well, but sometimes she’s harsher than she intends to be. It changed her, you know? Losing the love of her life. It took something from her. Something more than just my sister. It took a piece of Sid. The piece that belonged to Hannah, I guess.”
I rest my forehead to his stubbled jaw. “Please,” I whisper. “Stop. You don’t owe me any more explanations or apologies. I’m an asshole. I shouldn’t have freaked out like that.”
Riker’s free hand tilts my head back to look up at him, and the pain in his eyes tears through me like a knife. His lids close, saving me from the hell he can’t escape, and his lips come crashing down on mine, ravishing my mouth with a desperate urgency. He’s almost frantic as he rips the shirt from my body and carries me to his bed, and I’m prepared to give him whatever he needs to ease the ache within him.
He’s on top of me in no time. Then inside of me. Thrusting hard and fast, as if he’s racing the demons. And I want him to win, so I match him move for move, never once letting up until I know he’s beat them.
He’s still breathing heavy when he rolls over onto his side, gripping me tightly to his chest. We’re both so wrapped up in the emotional and physical aftermath of what just transpired between us, neither of us hears the knock at the door until it’s too late and the door opens.
“I fucking knew it!” Sidney .
“What the hell?” Riker bolts into an upright position. “You can’t just come bursting in here like you own the goddamn place, Sid.” In an instant he’s on his feet, and while he was courteous enough to cover me up before he jumped out of bed, he’s not hurrying as he moves to the recliner in search of a pair of pants.
“I knocked!” Sid throws back. “You know I was halfway home before I registered the fucking BMW in your driveway? That’s how out of it I was when I showed up here. Took me the whole drive back to figure out whose it was. Kirsten Bernheimer.” She laughs, but she’s not hiding her insults in humor this time. “Well, wasn’t hard to narrow it down from there.” She stares at me, blasting daggers straight at my heart, but the joke’s on her. Nothing left there to hit.
“This is none of your business, Sid.” Riker steps in front of me to shield me from her murderous glare. “I don’t need your approval. Not for this. Not for anything.”
Sidney doesn’t seem all that interested in hearing his arguments. She flies at him again. “You’re out of your fucking mind if you think I’m just going to sit back and watch you fuck up your life a second time. God! You really only know how to attract one type of woman, don’t you!?” She pauses briefly to deliver the most depreciating sneer I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve been on the receiving end of plenty. “You know how this is going to end, don’t you? I mean, you’ve met her sister.”
“Whoa!” Now it’s my turn to leap to my feet. Although not from the bed. I’m liking the higher ground. Besides, at five foot three I’m the shortest person in the room. I need the extra edge. “What the hell does my sister have to do with any of this?”
Riker spins around to address me, but Sidney beats him to it. “Nothing much. Except she’s a money hungry gold digger and considering I already heard all about how she’s been fixing you up with the likes of Carson Winn, I’m guessing you’re no different. ”
Riker’s attention is back on Sidney one hundred percent. “Shut up, Sid,” he snarls. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“No fucking kidding.” Standing on the bed doesn’t feel right anymore. Still wrapped in the sheet, I march straight off the edge for Sidney, but Riker catches me halfway. “You don’t know the first thing about my sister.”
“Oh, please. There isn’t a person in town who doesn’t know about your sister. Or the misery she put every real estate agent in the state through trying to make sure she had the fanciest, priciest house in the land.” Her mocking tone makes me want to rip out her tongue. My sister’s a handful and a half on a good day. And yeah, I talk my share of shit about her, but I won’t stand for it from anyone else. Not even a grieving woman who’s too broken to see that she’s pushing away the only person she has left in her life.
“So what? So what if she wanted to buy the most expensive house she could find? Who gives a shit?”
Sidney throws her arms up at me like it’s obvious. “Um, I don’t know. Nate might.”
Gotcha, bitch. “Guess again. It’s not his fucking money she’s spending. It’s hers.” Both Riker and Sidney are so caught off guard by this news, I have free reign to just keep going. “Kirsten has more money than Nate’s entire family. When they got married, he was the one my parents wanted to sign the prenup, but Kirsten refused. So tell me again what a fucking gold digger she is. Because you don’t know shit about it.”
Sidney’s slowly processing this new information, but she clearly isn’t prepared to admit she was wrong just yet. “If your family’s so loaded, what’s your fucking deal? Why don’t you have your own beachside mansion instead of moving your way through this town like a fucking leech? ”
“Because my family isn’t loaded. Kirsten is.” I’m about to reveal her most personal private history, and I shouldn’t. But I’m so tired of keeping secrets. And I can’t stand any more rumors about our family and who we are. Especially when they’re always so fucking hideous. “Kirsten was married once before, right out of high school. She and Levi grew up together. Knew each other since kindergarten. Shared their first kiss in middle school. Fell in love in high school. By the time they were sixteen, everyone knew they’d be together forever. Only forever wasn’t quite as long as they planned.”
I stop. Last chance to back out. I don’t take it. “Then Levi got sick. Wasn’t the first time. He’d battled childhood leukemia once before and won, so they were confident he would do it again. Then, senior year, three months before graduation, doctors told him they were out of options. Nothing was working. The cancer was spreading.” I clear my throat. In the sudden silence of this room, it sounds like a lion’s roar, and I almost startle myself. Probably because I know Kirsten would kill me if she knew I was talking about this. “Everyone was devastated. His family. Our family. It was the last thing anyone ever expected. But, in spite of everything, Levi was determined to marry my sister. And so he did. Two weeks after they graduated, they had a little ceremony at his parents’ house. It was beautiful. I’ve never seen two people so truly in love with one another.” I sigh painfully. “Levi died three days later.”
“Shit.” Tears are pooling in Sidney’s eyes now, and I know she’s connecting with my sister in a way she didn’t even know was possible.
“Levi was a trust fund baby. He left it all to Kirsten. She didn’t even want it, but his parents insisted she keep it. He was their only son, and she was the only woman he ever loved. That meant something to them. So much so that someday when they pass, Kirsten will inherit all over again. And she’s terrified of the day it happens. Kirsten hates money. That’s the reason she spends it all the damn time. Because she’s trying to get rid of it. If it wasn’t for me and the fact that I’m an ongoing charity case, she would have just chosen a random cause and donated the bulk of it, keeping only a sliver of it to secure Sophie’s future. But she can’t. Because of me. Because she refuses to let me fall on my ass, even if I deserve to.” I’m feeling oddly deflated after all that. Maybe pain and anger really are my life source and releasing some of it wasn’t such a bright idea after all.
“I’m really sorry, Quinn.” Sidney shifts a desperate glance back and forth between me and Riker, waiting for one of us to tell her it’s alright. I can tell he’s not ready. So I do it for him.
“Forget it. Seriously. Kirsten would prefer if you did.” I force the corner of my mouth upward. “Honestly, she’d probably rather you just went on thinking she was a money hungry gold digger.”
She nods. “Don’t worry. I get it. No one likes to walk around with the dreaded ‘W’ word following them around.” She turns toward Riker one more time. “I owe you an apology as well.”
“Sid.” It’s all he says as he shakes his head at her. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s cold, like he’s standing behind an ice wall that can’t be penetrated by her pain or anyone else’s. “You should go. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Sidney gasps loudly, then bites down on her lip, probably trying to force back the tears I imagine are making their way up to the surface again. Then she just turns and walks out, closing the door behind her.
“That was a bit harsh, don’t you think?” I don’t know why I expect to be on the right side of his stupid ice wall, but I do. And surprisingly, I am, because his expression is filled with concern and care when he turns to face me.
“She crossed a line. Besides, she knows I love her. My being pissed at her changes nothing.” His hands reach up to rub my shoulders and arms. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I shrug. “I don’t think any of this was really about me.”
He smirks. “Just your money-grubbing sister. ”
“That gold-digging whore.” I laugh. “Incidentally, I couldn’t quite follow why searching for a sugar daddy would have led me straight to this shithole. Unless, of course, I was just slumming it here with you until I locked in a better prospect.” Then it hits me. “Wait. Is that what happened to you before? You were with someone and she left you for a guy with more money?”
“That’s not exactly what went down; although he’s a pilot, so I’m sure he’s doing pretty well for himself.” His hand glides down my arm to land in my palm. “Come sit with me.”
In an instant, mini explosions blast off in in the pit of my stomach warning me not to go any further. “Why?”
He smiles, but his eyes don’t. “Because. It’s time I tell you some things.”
I shake my head. “No. Please. You don’t owe me any explanations.”
His hand gently tugs mine to follow him to the bed. “I know that. I want to tell you.” He glances back at me over his shoulder. “It’s nothing scary, Quinn. I promise.”
Only his scary and my scary probably aren’t the same thing. But that’s not even why I don’t want to know. I don’t want to hear his story because then I’ll have to tell him mine. And I’m nowhere near ready to.
“No. I’m serious, Riker. Whatever shit you have buried in your past, leave it there. Because that’s where I’m keeping all of mine. I don’t want to dig it up. Not even for you.”
Riker watches me like he’s contemplating his next move. He grinds his jaw back and forth, and I know he’s carefully choosing his response. At last, he nods. “Alright. No digging tonight. But I am going to get back in that bed with you and make up for the speed sex we had earlier. I know I can find more satisfying things to do to you before the night is over. ”
“Now this is a conversation I could get into.” Except we both know there won’t be any talking once we hit that mattress, which is fine by me. Actually, after all the talking I did tonight, it’s probably a good thing if I limit my mouth to other activities for a while.