Chapter 17
“Christ.” Breaths heaving out of me, I stalk around my workshop. I’ve been pacing since I left the cabin.
Bellamy stayed inside with her paints, cranking her music, working through what she needed to.
Just not with me.
She’s scared, looking for a reason to leave again, a reason we won’t work. But she’s wrong. So damn wrong. She hasn’t said the words, but I feel it. She never stopped loving me either. But fuck me, I don’t know how to make her see it.
Time’s ticking down and I’m in fucking agony. To love her so damn bad and let her go a second time? If that’s what she wants, fine. But I have to know for certain she’s done with me before I’ll let her go.
The creak of the door startles me.
I whip around, find Bellamy standing in the doorway in that oversized T-shirt, boots, bare legs and a scarf. Paint streaks across her cheek.
“Where’s your damn jacket?” I bark, stomping toward her. I grab her arm and pull her inside. Then I shrug off my jacket and wrap it around her shoulders. “You tryin’ to freeze to death twice this Christmas?”
Fire flares in her pretty amber eyes. “You came here for me.” She jabs a finger in my chest. “You stole my Christmas on purpose.”
Despite all the shit we’ve stirred up, I chuckle. “Took you long enough.”
She opens her mouth to argue, but before she can utter a word, her attention drifts to the work bench.
“My painting.” Her wide-eyed gaze swings to me. “You have it.”
Marveling, she steps closer and runs her index finger over the edge of the canvas.
“I do.” Sighing, I settle on a stool and rub my palms on the thighs of my jeans.
“How?” She worries her lip between her teeth, looking from it to me.
“I went to San Francisco,” I say, shoulders falling. I’m caught. It’s all out now.
She makes a kind of soft whimpered noise in the back of her throat.
“I came to bring you home. But when I saw you at your showing, hell, you looked so damn happy…” I swallow, threading a hand through my hair. “I couldn’t do it.”
A long silence. I’m crawling inside my skin, waiting for her reply, waiting for words that could break or save me.
“I wasn’t happy,” she bursts out. Her eyes are blurry. “I had a thousand texts written out to you that night. You were the one person I wanted there and…” She sucks in a trembling breath. “You were there after all.”
“You were amazing that night, Bell.”
“Why? Why didn’t you say anything?” She meets my eyes with curiosity.
“I didn’t want to take you away from your dream a second time.”
“You were my dream, Hank. You.” Her gaze drifts to the window, to the snow falling outside, to Zelda, back to me.
A soft, sad smile tugs at her lips. “My dream was Montana and a cowboy and dive bars and Christmas trees and little blue heelers with overbites and skunk breath.” She laughs, but then her brow furrows.
“I never knew what my dream was until I got here…and it was hard as hell to walk away.”
My pulse beats wildly at her confession. Hope pulls at my heart, breaths catching in my chest.
“Then why did you?” I reach out, snagging her fingertips.
Her warmth, her body, is so close I almost lose it.
“Why’d you leave? Was it somethin’ I did, sugar? I know I wasn’t perfect after we lost Cody, fuck, but—”
“No, it was nothing you did.” Bottom lip quivering, she hooks her index finger around mine. “You tried so, so hard, Hank. I’m the one who pushed you away.”
A tear tracks down her pale cheek. I don’t want her to cry. It kills me when she cries.
With a shake of my head, I tangle my fingers with hers and draw her closer.
“I’m sorry for leaving. For the way I acted. And I’m sorry—” A small sob escapes her. “I’m sorry we lost our baby.”
“Don’t.” I close my eyes, pain clawing at me. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“It felt like it.” She’s crying in earnest now, wiping her face with trembling hands. “We wanted it so much, so bad…and I felt like I failed. Like I took it away from you.”
“Baby, stop—”
“That’s why I left. Because I was afraid. I was afraid it would happen again. I was afraid you’d end up hating me for it—”
I can’t hear anymore. It’s breaking my damn heart. I rip off the stool and crush her in my arms. If I don’t, I’ll lose my mind. She drops her head to my chest, weeping.
I kiss the crown of her dark head, stroking a hand down her silky hair. “Sugar, that was never your fault. Nothin’ that happened was your fault.”
The knowledge that she’s blamed herself like this for so long tears me up inside. Because Bellamy’s more than brave. And she’s been carrying so much shame and guilt over a terrible thing that was never her fault. But I know now, and I won’t let her suffer alone anymore.
“Shh, sugar. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry, Bell.”
Clutching at the front of my tear-soaked flannel, she looks up.
“And I did the worst thing. I let it break us. I forgot you were hurting too. I just felt so…empty, and I didn’t want to put that on you.
Even though I never stopped thinking of you.
Even though I knew right away that I shouldn’t have left. I fucked up. I fucked it all up.”
Hand moving to her face, I run my thumb over her cheek to sweep away her tears.
“It didn’t break us. You didn’t fuck up.
We’re standing here, ain’t we?” I swallow past the lump lodged in my throat.
“We got that second chance,” I say, adrenaline pumping through me, hope and terror right along with it, “if you want it.”
She gasps out a sob. “I want it. I want you, Hank.” Tears stream down her face as she falls into me. “I’m still in love with you.”
I lose it then. Every atom in my body comes alive.
“Fuck, baby,” I rasp, crushing her in my arms. “I’ve been lost, Bellamy. Without you.”
Three long years of dark turn to light the second my lips find hers. She kisses me back, frantic, furious, her hands in my hair. Salty tears stream down her pretty face. She groans, and I echo the sound as we lose ourselves in the kiss.
Love of my life. My bluebell. My girl. No more years between us, no more missing her.
Zelda, hating to be left out, barrels into us, nearly taking us down. She scampers around us, pawing at our legs and whimpering.
I blow out a shaky breath, stuck halfway between disbelief and awe. I’ve spent so long craving this moment, hoping for it.
“Zelda,” I laugh, peering down at my impatient dog. “I’ll share her, just not right this minute.”
With a smile and an exhale, Bellamy laughs. “I think she’s happy.”
“I’m pretty damn happy myself.” I band my arms low around her hips and pull her close. “This life is too damn short to live it without you, sugar.”
Eyes glittering with tears, she nods. “I’m a lucky girl, cowboy.”
“I’m the fucking lucky one.” I shake my head, lost in the moment, lost in us, me and her.
She leans into me, her lips ghosting over mine. “So what do we do now?”
Hands shaking, I cup her face, stare into her eyes. Getting to love this woman twice in my life is a goddamn miracle. But fuck, I’ll take it.
I kiss her again, pull back, heart hammering. “Marry me all over again?”
Her eyes fill as she nods frantically.
I wipe at the stray tear that slides down her cheek. “That a yes, Bluebell?”
She smiles, wobbly but happy, and throws her arms around me. I rock her back and forth as she whispers into my neck, “It’s a yes, cowboy.”