Chapter 53
Kitty and Antoinette’s Airbnb, West Hollywood, Los Angeles
It’s probably the police.
And they’re here to tell me they’ve found Antoinette.
Or what’s left of her.
There’s a weird mix of fear and fury fighting for dominance in my blood.
Fear seems to be winning.
I don’t want to open the door.
I don’t want to know what’s behind it.
‘Kitty. Open up!’
It’s a man’s voice and I wonder for a second if I’m still asleep because I must be dreaming. Surely this isn’t real because that voice sounded just like …
‘It’s me. Charlie.’
Charlie.
I’m racing to the door now.
I yank it open, half expecting there to be no one there at all. Some sort of aural hallucination brought on by my stress and lack of sleep.
But it’s not.
He’s here.
He’s really here.
He’s standing there, staring at me – a bit dishevelled – a battered leather holdall I recognise at his feet.
I want to pinch him just to make sure, but I think that might be a bit weird. I want to throw myself into his arms and inhale him but that might also be a bit strange considering the last time I saw him he was walking away from me, away from us.
‘Charlie,’ I say and I’m amazed I can even find words.
He’s every bit as perfect as I remember him.
I wondered if maybe I’d been idealising him in my mind since we broke up, but that’s not the case.
He still has that sandy-brown hair that I want to run my fingers through and grab.
He still has that smattering of stubble that I find irresistible.
He still has that dimple that I want to stick my finger in.
‘Hi, Kits,’ he says, a hint of a smile playing on those lips. The lips that used to kiss me goodnight and then kiss me awake again. That used to trail down my thighs until I thought I’d scream.
The lips that used to say my name and make it sound like the most beautiful word that’s ever been spoken.
That used to tell me they loved me.
‘What are you doing here?’
He’s peering at me, his green eyes full of concern. ‘Do you think I could come in?’ he says. ‘I feel like I’ve been travelling for about half of my natural life.’
I look up at him again and notice the smudge of shadows under his eyes.
‘Yes, of course, come through.’ He follows me into the living room and immediately flops on the couch. ‘Can I get you anything? Water? Food? I’d offer tea but there’s only like rose and hibiscus. They can’t really get tea right over here.’
Charlie gives me a half smile and reaches into the holdall he dragged in with him and pulls out a turquoise box. Tea bags. ‘Fortnum and Mason,’ he says. ‘I thought you’d be missing them.’
I could cry.
I love this man so much.
I take the tea bags and go through to the kitchen, where I boil water on the stove and make us mugs of tea with oat milk.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask again when I take the drinks back through. He’s texting someone and I feel a stab of anxiety. What if it’s another woman? What if he’s telling someone else that he’s arrived safely?
I don’t think I could cope.
‘Tor persuaded me,’ he says with that smile again as he slides the phone back into his pocket. ‘She seems to think there’s something you need to talk to me about?’ He gives me an expectant look.
‘Oh,’ I say. ‘Did she?’ I have no idea what this means. I haven’t told Tor about Antoinette going missing. I haven’t told anyone back in the UK.
‘Yes,’ he says, cocking his head at me in that way I love. ‘She made it sound pretty important?’
What is Tor playing at? ‘I don’t know what to tell you,’ I say.
Charlie looks confused. ‘Oh. Right,’ he says and it feels awkward between us now. ‘Maybe I should have called you first. But I wasn’t sure if you’d speak to me.’
‘I’m sorry if you’ve had a wasted trip,’ I say, ‘but I really don’t know what Tor is talking about.’
‘That’s so weird,’ he says. ‘She seemed pretty sure when I saw her.’
‘You saw her?’ I ask. Why hasn’t Tor mentioned any of this to me? What’s she playing at?
‘Yes,’ he nods, ‘she messaged me and asked me to go to her house.’ He sees my expression. ‘I was surprised too, but she seemed to really want to talk to me. I was worried something had happened to you.’ His voice is softer as he says the last part.
‘How was she?’
Charlie looks at his hands. ‘Not good,’ he says. ‘She told me everything that happened. You know with that therapist guy.’
‘Aidan Ward,’ I say through gritted teeth.
‘She seems to think you followed him out here?’
I think about the man in the cellar, the man I was so close to killing just moments ago. I’m not sure how much I can tell Charlie. He knows all about me. But he hates it. Hates it so much that, the last time I saw him, he couldn’t even bear to be in the same room as me.
‘Charlie,’ I say, ‘it’s great to see you, so great, but now isn’t a really good time.’
He frowns. ‘What do you mean?’
I sigh. ‘Antoinette is missing,’ I say.
‘What do you mean missing?’
Why does everyone keep asking that?
Is there another definition of ‘missing’ that’s totally bypassed me?
‘Gone, disappeared. I think something bad has happened to her.’
I can feel tears scratching at the back of my eyes. I don’t want to cry in front of Charlie so I mumble something about water and scurry back through to the kitchen, where I have no choice but to let them fall.
‘Kits?’ Charlie has followed me. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’
There’s so much I want to say to him, so much I’ve practised saying to him in my head, all those imagined conversations late at night.
But I can’t say anything.
I’m choking on tears.
And then his arms are around me and he’s pulling me into his chest.
‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.’
My heart sinks and joins the rest of my liquified insides as I think of the last time we were actually together like this.
The terror in his eyes that turned to revulsion as he digested what I was, what I am.
The back of his head as he walked out of the door, leaving me as crushed as every bone I’ve ever put through a meat grinder.
‘I didn’t just come because of what Tor said,’ he murmurs into my hair. ‘I missed you. Fuck, I missed you.’
‘I’m a murderer,’ I say because we’re so far past trying to sugar-coat any of this or tie it up with a nice ribbon. ‘I haven’t changed.’
He nods his head gently. ‘Maybe I have though.’ He lifts my chin so my eyes meet his and I can see the revulsion isn’t there anymore.
That look that he drove through me like a sword.
I don’t know what’s in its place but it’s softer.
It’s something I want to see. It looks a lot like love. Or longing at the very least.
‘Really?’ I say. ‘You’ve changed so much that suddenly the thought of even being in the same room as a killer doesn’t make you want to throw your guts up? You’ve changed so much that everything you said to me in France doesn’t matter?’
He shrugs slightly, still not breaking eye contact.
‘I don’t know,’ he says again. ‘All I know is that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
And I know it’s a horrible cliché but every day there are just new things that I want to tell you.
I keep turning around to say something to you and every time I realise you’re not there it hits me again. ’
‘You blocked me.’ I say. ‘On everything!’
‘Because I couldn’t stop looking at your socials.
And you know I hate socials.’ He really does hate socials.
‘I was spending every night just scrolling through your photos. My brother had to point out to me how unhealthy it was. And then …’ He pauses and takes a breath, ‘and then Tor called me and I just knew I had to come out here.’ He pauses again.
‘I still love you, Kitty. I never stopped loving you. Not for a minute. And, honestly, if you want me to turn right back around and get on the next plane home, I’ll do it.
But I needed to tell you, to your face, that I love you. ’
I let my head fall back against his chest. It’s so solid and warm that it makes me want to cry even more. He’s really here and he’s really telling me that he loves me.
He lifts my chin again, putting his hands on either side of my face. ‘Do you want me to go, Kitty?’
I shake my head and then his hands aren’t on my face anymore, they’re in my hair and his lips are on mine and I don’t know who kisses who first but he’s whispering into my mouth, asking me ‘Is this okay?’ and it’s more than okay.
It’s everything.
‘Fuck, I’ve missed you,’ he breathes and his hands are on my waist now as he lifts me up onto the table and I wrap my legs around him, pulling him to me, I can’t get him close enough.
Even when he’s deep inside me and we’re inhaling each other, it’s still not close enough.
I sink my nails into his back, trying to drive him even further into me, and he scratches at the skin on my neck with his teeth as we both try to devour each other.
It’s the most intense fuck of my life. Also maybe the quickest. But that doesn’t matter when, minutes later, we’re staring at each other again like we can’t quite believe the other is real.
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I say finally.
‘That wasn’t supposed to happen like that,’ Charlie is saying as he retucks his T-shirt into his jeans and I pull my dress down. ‘I wanted to woo you properly.’
‘Woo me?’
‘Yes, I thought you’d like to be wooed.’
‘I think we were just very wooed,’ I say.
He smiles and kisses me on the top of my head. ‘Can we pretend that didn’t happen and can I ask you out for food?’
‘Charlie,’ I say gently. ‘My sister is missing and I’m really worried that something terrible has happened to her. It’s not really a good time to be going out for food.’
‘Let’s get takeout then,’ he says. ‘When was the last time you had anything to eat?’
I try to think but I honestly can’t remember. My stomach gives me away with a growl. But how can I think about something as basic as eating when Antoinette is missing?
‘Starving yourself isn’t going to help Antoinette,’ Charlie says, doing that annoying thing he’s always been able to do of reading my mind. ‘And you can tell me what’s happened.’
I suppose there’s not really much I can do until Travis comes back with Antoinette’s iPad. And I want to tell Charlie everything.
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Why don’t you take a shower while I order in?’
‘Perfect,’ he says.
Once I’ve shown him where everything is I come back downstairs and make sure I’ve locked the wine cellar door.