Chapter 73
Musso and Frank, Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles
‘Thanks for coming,’ Antoinette says after we’ve been seated in our booth and handed our menus. ‘I’ve always wanted to come here.’
It’s lunchtime, Charlie and I fly home later today and my sister begged me to come for lunch with her before we do, just the two of us.
‘You don’t need to thank me,’ I say. ‘I’m your sister. I love having time just the two of us. I know I’ve been sort of glued to Charlie since he arrived but I’ll always make time for you. You know that.’
Antoinette smiles. ‘That’s great to know,’ she says, ‘but I meant thanks for coming here. It’s not exactly the restaurant of choice for vegans.’
She’s right.
As soon as I walked in I could smell the steak fat and my stomach contents tried to yeet themself out of my body.
I’m trying not to think about what Tor said.
But it’s there, niggling away right at the back of my mind where I keep all the things I don’t want to think about. Locked away in a box. For now.
‘That’s okay,’ I say. ‘I was craving a bowl of mashed potatoes and a side salad anyway.’
She laughs.
‘Anyway, I’ll pay you back by taking you to the most vegan place that ever veganed when we’re back in London.’
Antoinette is suddenly very focused on the menu. She doesn’t say a word. Which, I’ve learned, is very not like my sister.
Something’s wrong.
‘Antoinette?’ I say. ‘What is it?’
‘Hmm?’ she says, still not looking at me. Her eyes are intently looking at the menu.
I reach over and grab it out of her hands. ‘What’s going on?’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she says.
‘Don’t give me that, Antoinette,’ I say. ‘You clammed up the minute I mentioned London.’
Her cheeks flush. ‘Okay,’ she says. ‘I was going to wait for the food to get here, but seeing as you’re so persistent with your interrogation.’ She picks up a napkin and starts ripping it to shreds. I want to take that out of her hands as well.
‘Spill already,’ I say, my patience getting thinner by the second.
‘I’m not coming back,’ she says. ‘To London.’
I stare at her. ‘What?’
‘I’m not coming back to London.’
‘I heard what you said, Antoinette. I meant “what” like what are you doing? And why not?’
She shrugs. ‘There’s nothing for me there. Not really.’
‘I’m there,’ I say. ‘And there are loads of bad men there. I don’t want to work alone anymore.’
‘You’ll be fine,’ she says. ‘And anyway, you’ve got Charlie. You’ve got Maisie and Tor. You’ve got Carmella and Gabriel. I don’t have any of that. My mother barely acknowledges my existence. She never has. That’s not going to change.’
‘What about me?’
‘You don’t want me hanging around. You’ve got a whole life you’ve been wanting to get back to. I’m not part of that.’
‘Of course you are!’ I say. ‘You’re my sister. And we’ve only just found each other.’ I reach across the table for her hand. She lets me take it, but it’s limp.
She shakes her head. ‘I just don’t want to go back, Kits.’
‘What are you going to do then?’
She shrugs. ‘I’ve got enough money to do anything I want. Agnes and I are going to travel for a bit. And then, I don’t know, come back here. I like it here. It suits me.’
I look at her over the table.
Her eyes are shining, she looks tanned, relaxed, happy.
It really does suit her.
I just hadn’t noticed before.
As usual I’ve been too busy thinking about myself.
‘What about us?’ I say. ‘What about, you know, business.’
She gives me a little smile. ‘Well, I never said I was giving that up. Just think of it as more of an international enterprise now.’
‘Wow,’ I say. ‘Killers Without Borders. You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you?’
She smiles but her eyes soften. ‘You don’t need me,’ she says. ‘You never have. And, you know, I want to see where things go with Agnes. I really like her.’
‘You’ve just met her,’ I say and Antoinette gives me a slightly admonishing look that makes me feel bad and childish. I realise then how much she’s grown in the few weeks we’ve been out here. ‘You’ve only just met me too,’ I say, my voice quieter now. ‘You know, properly.’
She squeezes my hand back now. ‘I’m not leaving you, Kits,’ she says. ‘You’ll still see me all the time. I promise. I just need to choose something for me.’
‘I get it,’ I say eventually. ‘But that doesn’t mean I like it. I’ve only just found you. I’m not ready to let you go.’
‘You’re not letting me go,’ she says. ‘Because I’ll still be your sister.
Nothing will change that.’ She lets go of my hand and pours herself some water.
I watch as she swallows it, wishing there was something I could say to her that would make her change her mind.
I need her in London with me. Not just for the killing but for other things too. I touch my hand lightly to my stomach.
Maybe.
I open my mouth to tell her, but then I close it again.
No.
She’s made her choice.
I can’t make this about me.
It’s not fair.
Antoinette puts her glass back down on the table and raises her eyes to meet mine. There’s a small, uncertain smile on her lips. ‘So, we’re good then?’
I smile back. ‘We’re good.’
She laughs, sits back in her chair, the moment too charged for her comfort zone. ‘Anyway,’ she says. ‘It’s not goodbye. Not really. It’s just see you later.’
‘Yes.’ I nod as the waiter comes over to take our orders. Even though I have no appetite now.
‘Come on,’ Antoinette says to me. ‘Don’t take too long. You’ve got a flight to catch.’
My fingers flutter to my stomach again.
There are a few things I need to do today.