14. Devina
When I’m Like This - Kathleen Regan
Another night, another nightmare. I’m torn between wanting to preserve pieces of that night and wanting to forget it all together. But those memories are the last ones I have of my sister.
I lay in bed, eyes closed, and I welcome the dark thoughts that always follow the nightmare I can’t seem to forget. Death. She is waiting for me. I can end it now. I wonder how I would do it. A slash to the wrist, the swallow of one too many pills. I’d tie a rope, but I don’t know how, and I don’t think you are supposed to Google those things. I try not to spend too much time thinking about killing myself each morning, but the thought is always there. I can end it all now. If I do, will Scarlet be disappointed when I meet her on the other side? Maybe I’m a coward. Maybe I’m delusional in my confidence when I think of killing the most dangerous man I could ever face. But my thoughts stray when I wonder how my new husband would react to my death, the death that will come whether I accept it or take it intentionally.
I’ll be back before dinner tomorrow.
His words ring in my head as I open my eyes in an unfamiliar room and I have to remind myself where I am.
I’m swimming in blankets that hold his scent and I remember that I made my way into his room last night. I didn’t miss him. I was lonely. Turning on the television, the news reports a bombing downtown and the recovery of several women who claimed to be victims of a human trafficking ring. Suddenly I feel like a terrible person for wallowing in this huge house just because my husband has been away for a few days.
Three days, to be exact.
No text. No call. No messenger pigeon. Only silence. The house manager, Fiona, has no information for me. I initially hesitated to ask for any updates on the whereabouts of my husband because the last thing I wanted anyone to think was that he was indifferent to me. Yes, we are married. But I reminded him before his departure that this is basically a business transaction. For all I know, he could be nestled breast-deep in one of the women he found prowling around one of his clubs. Not that I care. I don’t.
Arrangement. A business transaction, Devina. That’s what this is.
Still, I can’t help but be totally pissed that I didn’t even get a courtesy call. I consider calling Declan, but I’m not sure if he will respond as a jealous big brother or hold strong to some kind of male code of honor.
When I first arrived at the estate, I was greeted by Fiona and shown to a room adjacent to the master. If I didn’t know better, I would have assumed it was the master suite. The large bed was situated between two tall windows that allowed the sunlight to wake me on my first morning without Ryder.
My first task as a newlywed was to shoot Taylor a quick message explaining that we had the wrong brother and requested a thorough investigation of the one I married. He said he would call me as soon as it was ready, but two days have passed, and I’ve received no news. Maybe Taylor will discover that Ryder is a horrible man who kills innocent people and kicks puppies. If he is, I will feel a lot less guilty about killing his father.
I want to hate them all, but I also can’t stop thinking of our last kiss. Maybe it was all in my head. I hadn’t kissed a man in so long, I was probably romanticizing the entire experience.
I spent the better part of the past two days wandering around the house and trying to settle into the room I was given before finally deciding to retreat to Ryder’s room – our room. I’ve never lived with a man – aside from my brother, of course. I also didn’t have a full staff to take care of chores and errands. What exactly does one do all day when everything is done for you? Somehow, I was lonelier in a house full of people than I had ever been living with Declan, who was always gone.
The door leading to the basement was locked, along with Ryder’s office. Knowing that anything helpful to my cause would probably be in that room, I reluctantly put my plan on hold and decided to familiarize myself with the staff and my new home.
I roll around in the blankets and will myself to sit up. I can’t let myself wither away here. I need to keep up my strength. I need to go for a run.
Tossing my gown on the floor and slipping on a pair of leggings and a comfortable hoodie from the suitcase I’m still living out of, I make my way down the stairs and toward the front door and make a mental note to unpack the one bag of items I brought with me.
“Well, good morning Mrs. Totaro!” Fiona beams, “I was beginning to worry, it’s nearly noon.”
“Please call me Devina, Fiona. We’ve been over this,” sitting on the bottom step, I tug on my sneakers, “Any chance my husband will be making an appearance today?”
She nodded at my request. Again. Although I doubt she will call me by my name. “Mr. Totaro should be home this afternoon. I just received word from his office.”
“Great, glad he thought enough of me to check in,” I fight the urge to roll my eyes, “I’m going for a run. I won’t be long.”
“You should bring Sal with you. Mr. Totaro won’t like you venturing off on your own,” she warns, as kindly as one can when they are ordering you to bring a babysitter.
I open the door to leave. “It’s fine, I’ll be okay.” I bolt before anyone can stop me.
The long driveway leads to the main road, which takes me to a small town after about twenty minutes. I’m not sure where we are at first, but I know we are north of the city. Historic shops line the street and I stumble upon a darling coffee house. A hanging wood sign reads ‘Toppers Coffee Co.” Just what I need to start my day.
A glass display case holds drool-worthy donuts and the menu is written on a black chalkboard. Five tables are scattered with an assortment of mismatched chairs that somehow all match perfectly. I instantly feel at home.
I order a cappuccino and pull my burner out to call Taylor.
He picks up on the first ring, “Hey sis.”
“Really? ‘Hey, sis’? After radio silence for two days?” I don’t even try to hide how annoyed I am. The men in my life are driving me crazy and poor Taylor will be receiving the brunt of my bad mood.
“Look, I jumped down a rabbit hole, but I think you’ll be pretty happy with what I’ve found.”
I make my way to a table near the window and settle in with my coffee, ready for all of Taylor’s tea. “Hit me.”
“Well, someone on their side is nearly as good as I am. Files were a bitch to hack into.” He begins, “But I was able to get into the legitimate side of their business doings. Looks like your man has three clubs in the city. There are several more throughout the country and some less exciting businesses. I found an email between the brothers. Apparently, Cap wasn’t keen on leaving his life’s work in the hands of four bachelors, which I assume is what prompted your arrangement.”
“Fine by me,” I shrug, “I don’t care why he wanted to get married. I’m just glad the opportunity presented itself when it did. I don’t need anything on Ryder. I need to know how to get to Cap.”
“I know you don’t care about your husband’s past, but the rabbit hole-” He continues, “Ryder was engaged three years ago. It was announced in the papers.”
“If he was already getting married, something must have happened.” I assume.
“That’s for sure. Listen to this. The same woman from the engagement announcement, Michaela Druthers, was found dead in a hotel room with a needle in her arm. This is about six weeks after the engagement.”
“Holy shit. That’s devastating.” I sympathize with Ryder’s loss, but I wonder if he’s still grieving this woman. Maybe that’s why he’s stayed away.
“Something is off about it, but I can’t put my finger on it. This woman looks so familiar. I know I’ve seen her before.”
“I hate when that happens. Send me a picture and I’ll see if I know her.” No, I’m not being nosey about my husband’s dead ex. A ping comes through, and I open the photo only to see someone I never thought I’d see again.
“Tay, this is Hannah.” My mind is trying to pull the pieces together.
“Hannah! That’s right!” He agrees and I can hear him snap his fingers over the line. “How is Hannah . . . Michaela Druthers?”
Hannah was Declan’s girlfriend until she ghosted him. Well, no pun intended, I guess. I never got the whole story, but I was certain he was going to marry her one day. Two years together and then ‘poof’ she was gone, and Declan didn’t want her name spoken around him again.
Was Hannah cheating on Declan, or was Michaela cheating on Ryder?
“This is definitely weird, but I don’t know if it helps us at all. I need info on the target, Tay. Text me tomorrow and keep me posted.”
I know I need to get back. Someone is bound to be looking for me. Distracted, I stand and turn right into a woman holding two coffees.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” I’m mortified and she’s got coffee down the front of her dress.
She chuckles and sets her half-empty cups on the table. “Man, that sucks, but it’s all good.”
I grab some napkins from the creamer stand and hand them to her. “I wasn’t paying attention. I can pay for your dry cleaning.” I offer.
“Really, don’t worry about it.” Her smile tells me she means that. “I’m MaryClaire. I come to this coffee shop every morning and I’ve never seen you.”
“Devina. You can call me Vi.” I shake her hand and take her wet napkins to toss in the trash. “Can I at least get you another order? I feel terrible.”
“My uncle owns this coffee shop, so I’ll just use my ‘niece card’,” she gives me a wink. “But hey, you look like you have new to town written all over you. Do you want to sit with me?” She nods over to a table on the other side of the room filled with notebooks and a laptop.
“Actually, I have to get home. I’m pretty sure my husband will be looking for me soon.”
“Well, maybe another time. Like I said, I usually make a stop here at least once a day. I’ll give you my number.” She takes out a notebook and scribbles her number down. I give her a smile and stash her number in my pocket before apologizing again and heading out.
Making my way back home, I try to digest everything I’ve learned. Feeling like I’ve just opened a can of worms, I pause at the end of the drive to catch my breath. I feel weaker today. Not my body, but my mind. I’ve been distracted by Ryder and he hasn’t even been here. Three days may not seem like a long time, but when your days are numbered, each one counts.
A black SUV is waiting in the driveway when I approach.
Ryder exits and stops when he sees me standing alone. Suddenly, all of the emotions I felt before my run came back and I feel like I’m going to be sick. He is still in his wedding attire and his hair is disheveled. He looks like he went on a three-day bender.
His presence brings relief, but jealousy is an unexpected co-pilot.
What could you possibly be jealous of? His dead ex? The floozy he’s been hooking up with at his club the past three days?
Why can’t I just hate Ryder so I can stop being distracted by his piercing eyes and the ink peaking out near his collar? I hadn’t learned anything about him to make me hate him, only that he was bred from evil. That should be enough, but right now it’s not.
He married me and left me for three days, so no matter what I feel, or don’t feel, I’m going to make it known that I’m not the kind of woman who puts up with this. Unfortunately for my new husband, I have a strict “get even” policy.