38. Devina
When I wake again, Ryder is gone, but a familiar figure stands at the window gazing out.
“Taylor?” I squint. How did he find me?
“Hey sis, we’ve been really worried about you.” He casually makes his way to me to plant a kiss on the top of my head. “Your husband will be right back. He’s yelling at someone on the phone about your transfer home.”
Home.I want to go home.
“How did you know where to find me?”
“I’m not sure what you told Ryder, but he called me from your burner. He told me to come. I don’t think he knew that I was already privy to your medical diagnosis,” he runs his hand through his shaggy black hair.
“I didn’t push the button,” I admit. “Something happened before we left, and when we did… well,” I gesture to all of me.
“Look, I know where your head is, but I think we need to consider calling it quits.” He knows the words will rile me as he says them. He knows me too well.
“How can you say that to me? He has to pay for what he did.”
“Be serious right now, Devina. You are sick. You can’t put yourself in a bad situation again. Have you met your husband?” He sarcastically holds his hand out towards the door where Ryder is still on the phone on the other side. “He would kill me if he knew I kept helping you. He’s already told me he wants to take care of it. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that guy really loves you, Vi.”
“Why can’t you believe it? Am I that unlovable?” I take a shot at a joke, but even a fake laugh hurts.
“Not at all. You know that. I just didn’t realize… I didn’t know it was real.” He situates himself on the edge of my bed. “You know we both love you, right?” He stares at his hands in his lap.
“Ha! You’re just saying that because I’m dying.” I quip, rolling my eyes.
His head snaps my way, his pained gaze pierces through me. I know he loves me. I’ll always love him. But I don’t want to love anyone. I want to hate them all. Maybe then I can go peacefully. I can go with no regrets. I can just go.
“I think you know that’s not true.” His voice is sharp.
I nod. “I know. I’m sorry. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“Yeah, well when you get to the other side, let Scarlet know. That will piss her off.” There’s my Tay.
“She loved you too…” Speaking about Scarlet never gets easier, but I know it had to be said.
He nods.
Irish twins, they called us. So close, no words had to be said.
“She would have loved you too, Ryde,” I call out to my husband who is now perched in the doorway.
“Sorry to interrupt. I wanted to give you two a moment.” He steps to me, gazing down at me longingly.
“Any news about my departure?”
“The car will be here in fifteen minutes.” He shifts his gaze from me to Taylor, assessing the relationship he doesn’t yet understand.
My fingers trace his wedding ring when I realize my hand is bare.
“My rings! Where did they put them?” Ryder pulls them out of his pocket and gets down on one knee.
“I didn’t get to ask the first time, sparrow, but would you be my bride?” He smiles up at me expectantly.
“Well, only if you are hellbent on being a widower.” His smile falls. Tough room. “You guys have to lighten up. I can’t spend the rest of my time being sad and scared.” I complain.
“I think I speak for both of us when I say that losing you will cause an irreparable hole in our hearts.” Ryder stands to place the rings on my fingers with much less enthusiasm now.
“I appreciate that. I appreciate you and you were so wonderful to ask Taylor to come. But once we leave this room, I want things to be as normal as possible.” He raises a brow at me. “I mean it, Ryde, I don’t want to spend a second more than I have to in doctor’s offices and giving blood samples, being poked and prodded like a pin cushion.
I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to run through our yard. I want to hang out with MaryClaire. I want –,” His hand raises to make me pause.
“I want you to have everything you want. Why don’t you make a list and I’m sure between the two of us, we can make it happen,” He smiles, “Within reason, of course.”
“Within reason…” I cautiously agree.
* * *
Within reason, my ass.
I’m still sore. I was shot.
The twenty-five-minute ride home felt like it took two hours. Ryder snapped at Leo every two minutes to drive carefully. Leo is my new Sal.
Sal.
He didn’t even see it coming. I would cry for him again, but my body is now void of tears. I let the numbness take over. The physical pain was something I could manage. The rest. Well, the rest was something I wasn’t ready to face.
The past week has been filled with endless amounts of snacks being delivered every thirty minutes from Fiona. MaryClaire has visited twice bringing me coffee and donuts. Taylor frequents throughout the day – every day.
Ryder won’t leave my side. Ever.
Despite my endless protests, Ryder has hired several doctors from around the country to examine me. In our room. Our sanctuary.
I’ve obliged knowing that once I’m gone, he will have to continue living, and the least I can do is let him feel like he did everything he could to save me.
But nothing will save me.
I’m propped on pillows, waiting for my next appointment. Fiona sets my breakfast on my nightstand while MaryClaire sits next to me brushing my hair. Her quirky spirit has become something I look forward to. She reads me the latest stories she has been writing and I envy her creativity. One day her work will be published, but I’m sure I won’t be here when it happens. She is giving me all the juicy details of her and Ivan’s romance while Ryder sits on the sofa by the window reading.
“Hey, full house today.” Taylor walks in carrying a box of pink stationery that I requested.
My room is buzzing with conversation. It feels odd to have all of my people together in one room while I lay propped on pillows in my pajamas.
A knock at the door causes everyone to pause and turn. Doctor Hammond. The poor man who has to deal with my husband today.
Ryder will sit at my side making sure the pricks don’t hurt too bad and the doctor is making minimal contact with me. He will stand at the foot of my bed arms crossed, listening to the same information that Doctor Chavez gave us yesterday. The same information Doctor Reed gave us the day before.
But before all of that happens, I need everyone else to leave.
They take turns giving me a comforting pat on the arm, a wishful gleam in their eyes and words to attempt to ease my mind. Well, everyone but MaryClaire who tells me to let her know when the doctor leaves so she can come back and watch rom-coms with me.
It’s nice to have a friend.
“Well, I think we know what the damage is, Doc. Can you just give me an expiration date?” I ask, cutting straight to the point.
“Really, Devina?” Ryder is quick to finish closing the door before making his way back to my side.
“That is all I want to know. I don’t want any more tests. I don’t want any more doctors. I want to be done with all of this” I whine.
“Well, your injury didn’t help at all, Mrs. Totaro,” Dr. Hammond reports. As if I didn’t know. I still enjoyed my name being said out loud.
“Obviously,” I muttered to myself while Ryder chastised me with a stare.
“If you take precautions, I don’t think your time will be shortened, but your quality of life may suffer as a result. I understand you are refusing care.” He raises a brow.
I begin to talk until Ryder cuts me off “Unless you believe there is a treatment that can help.”
My blood boils. Crimson blurs my vision and I feel crescent moons pierce into my skin as I clench my fists.
“Enough!” Both men look at me in shock. “Enough. I need a moment with my husband.”
Dr. Hammond nods before closing his chart and excusing himself.
We’ve been here before. Eyes locked, neither one wanting to back down.
I know he’s mad. I know he wants to fix this, fix me, but nothing will. I’ve wasted a week. A precious week without vengeance, without breathing fresh air, without making a single damn decision about what I eat or wear. Specialists parade in and out of my room poking and prodding me like a damn cow.
“Devina, what are you doing?” His voice was low and grave.
“I think the better question is what are you doing?” I hiss, “I told you I didn’t want any of this.”
“And I told you to be reasonable,” He replies, crossing his arms over his chest, unwilling to see my perspective.
“This isn’t reasonable, Ryder.” I sigh, trying to regain my composure. “This isn’t how I want to spend my time. I need to get out of this house – out of this room! I need to walk in the garden and sit in the coffee shop. I need to see my brother.” A different pain emerges when I realize Declan hasn’t come to visit me.
Ryder makes his way to my side, bowing his head in defeat.
“I need to tell you about Michaela.”
My breath freezes. Hearing her name spill from his mouth brings a wave of jealousy, but it quickly fades at the realization that there is no love in his eyes. Only disappointment.
* * *
“I was engaged before you.” He begins. “We met young. Too young. But we were both raised with similar families and questionable morals. Her father worked for mine. There was no whirlwind romance, but I loved the idea of her. Hell, we were only together a handful of times, but back then, I thought she was the one.” He runs his hand through his hair. I don’t dare move. I need to know more. “That’s how it started. Then her father started running drugs on the side. By the time I knew, it was too late. She was too far gone.”
He stands and begins to pace. My mind reverts to the time I saw her last. She wasn’t strung out. She was graceful and shone like the sun. I wanted to be beautiful like Hannah. Or Michaela. Whoever she was. When she walked into the room, every man turned his head in admiration.
“Our family never dealt with the drugs. Only guns. He had been working for someone else,” He pauses as I snap back to the present and try to fit the pieces together.
“Corman,” I say, barely above a whisper.
He nods to confirm.
My father.
He’s known this whole time. “How could you marry me? How could you agree to this after…” It clicks. Like a bullet dropping into the chamber. Ryder wanted to ruin me.
Bile burns in my throat and I can’t stop what happens next. My gut heaves. Ryder is quick to grab the pail next to the bed before shoving it under my chin.
My head spins. “What happened to her?” I choke out.
“Her father called mine that night. Told us we needed to get to her before the Sullivans did. But we were too late. Cap was there when I arrived. He found her in a hotel room. The needle was still in her arm.” An overdose. “I couldn’t save her, Devina. I didn’t even know until it was too late. She hid it so well.” He lets out a heavy sigh, his eyes absent emotion. I knew that look. The look of someone who has relived death too many times and is now numb to its sting. The look of feeling nothing so you don’t have to feel everything.
Guilt was a swift kick to my injured gut. Like you hide things, Vi.
He needs to know it all. To see the deepest parts of me. He didn’t want to save me. He needed to save me because he couldn’t save her.
I needed to talk to Declan. I had to know what happened between them.
I could still sense that something was wrong. That this wasn’t the worst of it.
“You wanted to break me,” I said more to myself than to him. Shame radiated from his skin.
“Cap didn’t approve of our engagement.” He went on. “He was certain that she had found a lover. Our marriage was planned. It wasn’t because we were madly in love. Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had found a lover at some point. But we weren’t even married yet. It was a fucking slap in the face. When I arrived, the room had been … used. She had been there with someone else.”
Declan.
“Do you know who it was?” I do.
“I know you love your brother.” That answers my question. “But when I look at him, I see the man who took everything that was supposed to be mine.” I see you, Ryder. I know your pain more than I can say.
Understanding. Compassion. Pain.
It all hung in the air around us.
“What do we do now?” I ask though I’m not sure I’ll be able to stomach his answer. Will he want me to go back to Declan now? Is it too much to ask him to love me until he has to bury me?
“I wanted him to hurt the same way I did. I wanted him to pay for taking everything from me. But when I met you, everything changed. To hurt you would be to hurt a piece of me for something you didn’t even do. I just couldn’t do that to you. Now, I want to keep you with me as long as I can.”
He rasps with desperation in his voice. “I thought I knew pain and loss. I was angry for so long that I never got to say goodbye. But it didn’t feel right.” He adjusts himself on the bed next to me. Side by side our fingers intertwine, the moment of silence building a tension I’m uncomfortable with.
“It didn’t feel like I lost a part of me,” He finally continues, “The disappointment and anger that came were real. But almost losing you, Devina, was like taking a bullet to the head.”
His confession makes me question my own intentions and now I have an important question to answer. When the time comes, will I be able to make Ryder a casualty of war, for something he didn’t do?
“This is why you want me to stop looking for the invisible man,” I respond.
“I realized quickly that hurting you – hurting Declan - wouldn’t bring her back.” He said sternly. Ironically, the same words Declan had said before I married him. “And you and Declan shouldn’t pay for your father’s sins.”
I have a choice to make.
A choice he can’t know about.
And I don’t know if I’m strong enough to make it.