Chapter 4 #2
I’ve been explicitly warned away from her, and we both know that nothing is going to happen between us. Now I need my dick to get the same memo.
Can’t hide in the bathroom forever, I think to myself as I force my feet to carry me out the door. When I take my place again, I pretend to be engrossed in my phone, determined to muscle through the rest of this social obligation.
I’m so caught up in my facade that it takes a moment for me to notice that I no longer have a plate of soggy food in front of me.
Instead, there sits a clean plate with a few strips of bacon and a croissant.
I look up across from me and see Stella observing my reaction.
I raise a brow to her in question, to which she shrugs her shoulders.
Did she buy me breakfast? I move to push it back to her but she fixes me with a dry, unimpressed expression until I pick up a piece of still-warm bacon and take a savage bite, never once taking my eyes off her.
She barely holds back a smug smile as she turns to the rest of the table again to jump into the conversational fray.
The conversation flows easily between this group, something that stirs up an uncomfortable jealousy behind my sternum.
Even though I’ve never felt out of place with them, they’ve always struck me as Nessa’s friends instead of mine, somewhere I almost fit, but not quite.
My core group used to be my bandmates, but slowly, over the years, someone would leave and be replaced by a new member, and eventually, one by one, they all left.
I’m the only remaining original member of Heartbreak Tuesdays.
It reminds me of a question we got asked in a high school philosophy class—let’s say you have a ship, but you need to make repairs, replace things that break.
Eventually, over time, you find you’ve replaced every single part of it, down to the nails.
Is it still the same ship? Am I the only part of the ship left?
Hanging on until I’m no longer useful and need to be replaced?
Fuck, that’s depressing.
It’s nice that Nessa has pulled me into her group, and they’ve welcomed me with open arms, even if it’s still unsettling.
On the other hand, Stella seems to fit in no matter where you put her.
She’s so sweet and genuine as she asks people about their families and their current work gripes, which is funny to watch since, for most of them, their boss is sitting right there.
Beck is good natured though and takes it with a tempered humour.
“What do you think, James?” Stella asks, yanking me from my thoughts.
“About what? Sorry?” I haven’t even been paying attention to the conversation right in front of me.
Just her.
“Bro, your head is in the clouds today,” Nessa heckles from beside me. “What is up with you?”
“Sorry, a lot on my mind,” I say, and this time I can’t not stare at Stella.
“I was asking what you think of the subscription service now that ‘Home Brewed’ has been out for almost a year,” Stella fills me in patiently. I wasn’t exactly involved with it, but I was around to help out here and there.
“Yeah, it’s pretty good. Definitely came with some…
excitement.” I make a face, remembering how the original release day got delayed because of Hazel’s asshole ex.
Hazel’s eyes cloud over at the reminder.
Guilt creeps up my throat until she gives me a small smile.
I got rid of that jerk, Justin, for her a few times, and I’d do it again.
Nessa had told me about him right after she found out his relationship wasn’t as open as he said it was, and I was already prepared to knock the guy out for screwing with my sister’s head.
I don’t take kindly to people who lie to get my sister–or anyone– in bed.
His harassing Hazel only sealed his fate.
“I can’t wait to see what next month looks like,” rambles Stella, taking the attention off of me, thankfully.
As brunch proceeds and no more mishaps occur, I can feel my muscles actually begin to unclench.
I end up talking to Beck a bit about some new bands he’s auditioning and he invites me to come sit in on one or two to provide my ‘expert input.’ I doubt I’ll be much help, and I tell him that when I reluctantly agree. He throws his head back in a laugh.
“Trust me, I can definitely use the help.”
“I agree,” Hazel adds. Beck makes a mock surprised face. “Hey, you’re the one who agreed to let a jazz swing group come play Eminem covers.” The table erupts in laughter as Beck looks like he’d love to hide in his coffee cup.
“I told you, that cough medicine was strong!” Beck says, awkwardly trying to defend himself.
There’s a bittersweet pang hiding away somewhere in me when brunch finally ends and everyone prepares to go their separate ways. I’m about to steer Nessa to our spot when she darts out from under my arm.
“I’m going to get a ride with Beth!” Nessa shouts, walking the opposite direction of where my car is parked in the lot when we exit. “Thanks for coming, big bro!” she shouts, fog puffing from her mouth in the frosty air. Her and Beth huddle together as they race to Beth’s car.
I shake my head in annoyance and head over to my car, passing the bus stop as I do.
I see a big, bright pink puffer coat obscuring someone on the snow-covered bench.
Stella has an obnoxiously bright orange pom pom toque pulled over her ears and is huddled in on herself.
It’s freezing outside. I can’t leave her here.
I sigh. “Need a ride?” I call over. Her brightly covered frame straightens from its hunched position to look at me. She hesitates for a moment. “I won’t bite,” I reassure her.
She pauses, assessing me before she stands, grabbing her yellow purse and stumbling over a snow drift to walk towards my car.
She’s almost caught up with me when she slips on a patch of ice, her arms wheeling.
Before the thought can even cross my mind, my arms snap out, snatching her out of the air, causing her to let out an undignified squeak.
I could make a profession out of keeping her on her feet for the amount I do it.
“Careful there, sunshine, wouldn’t want to bust that cute ass of yours.” I don’t know where the words come from, but there’s no stopping the flirtatious tone I can’t keep from colouring my words.
She blinks up at me innocently. “You think it’s cute?”
I grunt, propping her up on her own two feet, and take a step back. “Stop falling. Let’s go.” I take long strides to the car as she jogs to keep up with me. I’m already belted in and ready to reverse by the time she flings the door open and jumps in.
I remember where her place is from last time, so I don’t need to ask, which makes the ride awkwardly silent.
The radio is on quietly so that our breathing isn’t the only thing we hear.
I’m typically fine with long silences, but she’s normally a lot chattier and this is awkward as hell. I do my best to break up the quiet.
“You good, sunshine?”
“Mmhmm. Tired.” In the short time since we’ve met, she’s never been untalkative. Even the last time I gave her a ride, and I was a bit of a surly bastard then, she still made an effort. I saw her at the café the other day, too. She chatted with anyone and everyone who walked through the doors.
Maybe it’s just me?
I’m not expecting her to speak again when she says “I had to visit my dad last night and I was late getting home. It always takes it out of me a bit, too, the visits.” Her voice is hollow, and I don’t think it’s only her body that’s tired.
Her soul is too. She hid it well at brunch, but now that we’re away from the crowd, away from the noise, it’s like she’s deflated a little, like a balloon left out in the cold.
“I get that. Parents can be tough. Mine aren’t easy either.” The air in the car lightens with my confession, the tension softening under a shared camaraderie.
“I’ve heard stories from Nessa. They’re pretty hard on you too?” She’s looking out the window as she asks, giving me as much privacy as she can.
“Not as much as they are on her.”
“It’s not about who’s hurt worse. Your pain is allowed to hurt too.” That simple sentence floors me.
“Thanks,” I manage to cough out, officially done with this conversation. She makes it too easy to open up.
“Anytime, stud,” she jokes with a wink as I pull up in front of her building.
It’s sadder in the daylight, slightly dilapidated with shingles missing, some boarded up windows.
I can’t begin to guess how they manage to rent it out legally.
I can see at least five code violations from here.
The area isn’t great either. I thought the same thing the last time I dropped her off.
I had actually discouraged Nessa from moving into this area when she first came to the city.
The worry would have eaten away at me if she had.
When it comes to Stella, however, it’s not my place to interfere or impose. I breathe slowly out of my nose, taking calming, non-asshole like breaths so I don’t say something overbearing. My sunshine girl though, she’s sharp.
When did I start thinking of her as mine?
“I’ll admit, it’s not the best area, but it’s what I can afford.
I make the best of it though! You should see the curtains I sewed myself, they really brighten up the place.
” Her smile is a mile wide, crinkling her cheeks up under her eyes as she tells me how she’s made the best of a shit situation.
“You inviting me up, gorgeous?” I give her a dry smile, certain it will send her into a tizzy and out of my car. She rolls her lips together to fight a smile.
“Wouldn’t you like that?” she sasses me. I can’t help but stare at her, and I need to ask her something before I lose my nerve.
“You never told Nessa about… what happened, did you?” Stella’s playful expression falls.
“Nope. Nothing to worry about there,” she says blandly, and I know I’ve fucked up.
“Not that it’s bad! It was good, I just…”
“I get it, James. It’s fine. I’m glad it was ‘good’ for you.” She rolls her eyes.
“And it wasn’t for you?” I challenge.
“Oh, stud, it was life changing.” She grins deviously before flitting out of the car and into her building without another glance. I need to get this girl out of my head. Before I can pull away, I see a text come in from an unknown number.
Unknown
Thanks for the ride, stud ;)
Apparently, she’s not about to let me off easily.