41. Naina
Chapter Forty-One
NAINA
This is not a real relationship, you don’t have to defend me. You don’t have to do anything other than show up and pretend.
Kash’s words echoed in my mind as I walked aimlessly around downtown. Even the music in my ears couldn’t drown them out.
What did I expect, really? That one day of mind-blowing sex was going to mean we could be together forever?
I ran away from him because I knew I would get attached, and he wouldn’t. Then why was I surprised? Why did it hurt?
I swallowed my tears and hurt in the face of his anger. I was never going to let him see the pain and humiliation.
I just had to show up and pretend, right? I could pretend to be happy, I’d done it long enough.
I fingered the earrings Kash had given me this morning. It was hard to imagine that just until a couple of hours ago, everything was fine. They don’t deserve you, he’d said. What was the truth and what was a lie?
I wished more than anything that I could call my dad or mom, ask them for advice. Ask them where I went wrong. I wished I knew what they would say.
My mom died when I was in my sophomore year of UCLA, and I used to walk around Los Angeles the same way I was doing now. I used to think that I could hear her voice in the wind. It offered a strange sense of protection. Sometimes I would call Dad, and he would put me on speaker phone so I could hear him puttering around the house, both of us too heartbroken to talk but taking comfort in our noises.
How come a scientist hadn’t invested a Time Machine yet? Wasn’t it about time to have one? I wanted to go back in time and right so many wrongs maybe it would change the trajectory of my life.
The first thing I would have done was choose to attend law school at UCLA instead of Harvard. I would have never met Kash on that rooftop, I would never have worked for my old law firm, my boss would never have taken advantage of me, and I could have convinced dad to sell the Windfield and move to San Francisco or Los Angeles. I would have told my parents to take better care of themselves because who the hell was going to take care of me without them? I couldn’t do it alone.
My phone chimed once, twice, three times with text messages and I pulled it out of my purse, fully expecting to ignore the messages if they were from Kash or any other Sutherland. Kash was probably messaging to remind me that I needed to come back to brunch. As if I wanted to stay there after what he said and his father’s speech.
Nothing less than perfection will do.
Hadn’t Lex said the same thing? Kash is too much of a perfectionist.
Why had I believed Kash when he told me I was perfect? I knew better than that. I really did. Pretty words offered as comfort was exactly what had gotten me to give up my dream. I’d been lost then, and I leaned on the wrong person. I was making the same mistake now.
The message wasn’t from Kash, though. It was from Sami, another picture of her with Lucy and Jo. This time, Kat was in the back, both of her hands raised and making cat ears on her head.
I laughed, saving the photo.
It was like the universe knew I needed a reminder that I wasn’t alone.
The pedestrian light turned green, and I took a step forward.
It all happened in the blink of an eye.
A car turned into the lane out of nowhere, a bicyclist swerved to avoid being hit and took me with him. I fell backward, my head colliding with the sidewalk. Stars danced in my vision and my ears rang. Pain shot through my skull, sharp and hot, and then everything went black.