Chapter 14
chapter
fourteen
SHAY
“Something really strange is going on,” I said when I got to work. Eames and Olly turned to me as I came into the office. “Everywhere I go someone is doing the pay-it-forward trend. And they don’t let me pay it forward.”
“Uh…” Eames shared a look with Olly. “That sounds awesome?”
“Maybe it’s some Mormon thing,” Olly offered. “They always be doing the weirdest trends.”
“Maybe.” I dropped my bag on the table. “But it feels weird.”
I threw on my headphones and got to work. For the next few hours I lost myself in the mysteries of the universe. When Olly and Eames left for lunch, I stayed behind, trying to finish the models Jenna needed.
A few minutes after they left, Jenna herself appeared. She leaned against the whiteboard, one foot propped behind her on the ancient tweed acoustic panels that came standard issue in every academic office.
I tugged my headphones down to one ear, and said, “I’m still working on the models.”
Jenna waved me off, like that wasn’t why she was here. “Not why I’m here.”
“Oh?”
“Have you thought about applying for the Astro?” she asked. “This work is extraordinary, Shay.” She held up a stack of what I assumed was our paper.
I blinked. The Astro, aka the Astro Fellowship Program, was one of the most, if not the most, prestigious fellowships.
I worked my mouth, taking a moment to respond. “This institution isn’t really equipped to host.”
“It could be. Like, say, if a promising research associate got a grant and opened up a dedicated lab.” She gave me a teasing smile and kicked off the wall. “Think about it. You have a few months to complete the application.”
I stared at the door long after she’d gone through it.
The Astro would give prestige, it would open up doors, it all but guaranteed job security. It would allow me to choose my own research direction. I’d always been in a lab, under someone, doing their research. Jenna gave me more freedom than most, but it still had to fit the scope of her work.
I could take risks.
I could ask questions.
It would also require a three-year commitment. As someone who was perpetually at the whim of her body, commitment stressed me out.
Sure, I felt okay today, but what about a week from today?
I shook my head, turning back to work. A few hours later, the sun was starting to set against the hazy, gray overcast sky. Lilac and pale pink streaked across the sky, peeking through the gray clouds.
Eames tapped my shoulder. “You coming?”
Eames had a book bag clung over his shoulder. Behind him, Olly waited in the doorway. Oh, right. We carpooled.
“I’ll take a car,” I said. “I’m gonna try to finish this. It’s almost done.”
Olly shared a look with Eames.
“What?” I said.
“Just don’t stay here too late,” Olly said, “or you’ll be ruined tomorrow.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “Really.”
They shared another look, but after giving me a hug, Eames and Olly left.
The model ended up taking much longer than it should have, mostly because I kept adjusting different parameters. Before I knew it, it was past eight. The winter-dark sky sparkled with the city skyline.
Reluctantly, I packed up. At this rate, I’d be here until the next morning. And Olly was right—overdoing it was a recipe for a flare-up. I got the same way with the cosmos as I did with a new book—I didn’t know when to stop.
I opened the door to leave and collided into the solid form of a man. Tall. White blond. With brown eyes and the puffer jacket.
I blinked. “Graham?”
For a moment, I thought he looked surprised to see me, but then he smiled. “You’re here late.”
“And you’re… Why are you here?”
It was weird for anyone outside of custodial to be here this late. Let alone my ex-fiancé.
He stepped forward, forcing me to move back into the office.
“For you, of course,” he said. “Did you get my flowers?”
“I did…” I adjusted my bag’s shoulder strap. Unease coated my gut like slime.
“Didn’t like them?” he asked, walking farther into my office. He stopped in front of my computer. “What are you working on?”
Graham bent over my desktop, and I mentally cursed my inability to listen to IT. They always said to lock my station, even when I was leaving for just a minute. It locked on its own after a few, so I’d developed a bad habit of leaving it on.
Like now.
“Finishing up a paper,” I said.
“Show me?” He grabbed the mouse like he was going to explore. On a weird, inexplicable instinct, I quickly slammed the power button.
I’d fuck up all the models I had running, but something told me that was better.
“No time,” I said. “I’ve already worked too late.” No getting in without my password.
Graham stayed bent like that for a moment. After the green turned black. He stared at it. I swallowed and took a step away from him.
Then he stood up, smiling.
My blood turned to ice.
I’d seen this smile before, the night we broke up. It was like everything died in him. His eyes went black. Smile cold.
“Another time then, darling,” he said, and left.
I waited for Graham to leave, and then I waited even longer after he left, staring at the empty doorway.
It hadn’t always been bad between me and Graham.
When I’d first met Graham, it was like one of the meet-cutes from my book.
I’d been working late and got locked in the building.
Graham was there, speaking with a scientist about investing in their tech, when the meeting went long.
So we spent the night learning everything about each other, from hobbies to favorite foods to siblings.
Graham had no siblings, and he was estranged from his parents.
The next day, he bought me a whole case of Charleston Chews because I’d mentioned I liked them once, offhand, but they were hard to find.
When I got home, I found the kitchen unusually clean. The normal pile of dishes in the sink washed, dried, and put away.
“Is she home?” I heard the muffled voices of Olly and Eames outside the door.
“I heard the door open,” Eames said.
“Maybe we’re being burgled…” The door opened and Lithie’s voice went from smothered to crystal clear.
“I told you she was home,” Olly said. “Lithie got us a new book!” She held up a neon-pink book with a haphazard title font. “It’s dark omegaverse.”
“No more bullshit triangles,” Eames said.
Lithie swiped her hands out wide. “Bow to me, your lord and savior of finding our next book hangover— What’s wrong?” Lithie’s face changed when she saw me.
I exhaled. “Nothing.”
“Bitch, if you lie—”
“I saw Graham,” I said.
My shoulders felt like they weighed a million pounds. Dropping my bag to the floor, and without bothering to kick my shoes off despite our no-shoes-in-the-house policy, I went to the couch. They followed me.
“What did he do?” Eames asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “Really.”
I rubbed the fabric of my jeans.
Lithie inhaled sharply through her nostrils. “What did that abusive motherfucker—”
“I wasn’t abused,” I said quickly, meeting her honey eyes. I ignored the little voice in my head trying to draw attention to a night not long ago, when I stayed up, learning about emotionally abusive relationships.
“Before Graham, you were confident and funny and a total brat. You don’t notice, but people are drawn to you, because you have such a light, Shay. And I will never fucking forgive him for making you feel like you needed to dim yourself to be loved.”
I worked my mouth.
“And knowing you, you hate it too,” Lithie continued. “You’re beating yourself up every time you have a negative thought about yourself.”
“He never hit me,” I said.
Lithie shot Eames and Olly a guarded look, and I felt like a child again, parents talking to doctors as if I wasn’t there. Talking about me, not to me, about things that would affect my life forever.
Lithie squeezed my knee, smiling, and changed the subject. “Have you matched with anyone new?”
“No.”
“Are you still hung up on Grave Boy?”
I’d tried not to think about him. Tried and fucking failed. It wasn’t that I wasn’t aware of all the red flags. A self-professed criminal. A stalker. He was more than a red flag—he was a fucking wanted poster.
Maybe he had bodies in his trunk.
And maybe I should have taken the out fate gave me. Wrote it off as an acceptable blip of insanity in a lifetime of sanity.
But like I’d told him, I didn’t want good. I didn’t want to meet more people. I wanted Void.
Limerence.
“Yes,” I groaned. “This is why I don’t do relationships. I get too attached! And then they’re not who they say they are and history repeats.”
She held out her hand. “It’s time to get over him by getting under someone else.”
I stared at her hand. “Not happening.”
“You promised,” Olly said. “You said you would let us help.” When I hesitated, she continued. “You’re allowed to ask for help, Shay.” Lithie leaned forward, sounding more serious than she’d ever been. “You are not a burden.”
The first time Graham yelled at me, he said I was a worthless burden to everyone around me. Then he apologized on literal knees, with tears in his eyes. And then it happened again, and he apologized again, and that became our pattern.
Because, I don’t know, a part of me felt he was right. It was hard not to feel like a burden when so much of my life I’d been dependent on others.
“You don’t need to make decisions alone, Shay,” Eames said, drawing me back to the present.
Olly wrung her hands against her chest. “Pick us. Choose us.” She affected her voice like Meredith Grey, and I rolled my eyes.
“Look, we can make it fun,” Lithie said. “If not now, then we can make a whole night of it.”
“How about Thursday?” Eames asked.
“And remember we have access to your calendar when you make up a lie,” Olly added.
“If I agree, can we stop talking about this?” I asked. When they nodded, I sighed. “Thursday is great.”