Chapter 49
chapter
forty-nine
SHAY
Calder drove us back to his house in silence. He’d insisted I drive with him and grabbed my keys, letting me know he’d figure out how to get me my car. Once we arrived at his house, he took me wordlessly to his bathroom and lifted me onto the sink.
He stepped between my thighs, reaching behind me to turn on the water, all the while holding my gaze. I’ve seen a few statues of Atlas, and while there were variations, they all had the same grip—veins and muscles throbbing as they held something that was both painful and impossible to drop.
That was how Calder watched me.
Why I couldn’t look away.
“So,” I said, voice lower and huskier than intended. “Are we gonna address the elephant in the room?”
I still didn’t understand what the fuck had happened at the church.
Calder stared at me a moment longer, the muscle in his cheek flexing almost imperceptibly. Though the screaming, impaled man should have given me yet another reason to run, all I could think was how close Calder’s lips were.
A thread width from mine.
Calder’s fingers wrapped around my jaw. I leaned forward, eyes closing, when he tugged off my beard.
Oh.
Right.
Calder grabbed a hand towel off the wall and ran it under the sink at my back.
“Is that what you do for the Mafia?” I asked, as he brought the towel to my face, dabbing something away I couldn’t see.
Then it hit me.
The man’s blood.
“I don’t ever do that,” he said.
A slight smile played on his lips, no longer looking at me, but at the blood he was cleaning off. The humor in his face, the careful way he cleaned me, twisted me into knots.
Maybe the assholes were right and all those dark romance books had warped my mind. Because what was wrong with me that this guy had told me he was dangerous, had showcased the danger, was actively cleaning blood off me, and I wanted more?
Calder pulled back and I grabbed his wrist.
“This doesn’t exist in real life,” I said.
He arched a brow. “Criminals exist in real life, Shay.”
“No shit. I mean—” I rubbed the back of my neck. “This is crazy. If you wanted to break up with me, you could have just said that.”
Thunder fell across his face, but when he spoke, he was calm. “I’m trying to protect you.”
He resumed dabbing blood off my skin, but his jaw ticked, and his eyes throbbed.
“What was that back at the church?” I asked.
He exhaled. The breath fanned my cheek, and my gut did another involuntary flip. He pulled back, enough so our eyes locked, and traced his knuckles along the side of my mouth.
“What happened here?” he asked. “You never told me.”
My eyes narrowed. “You’re deflecting.”
He shrugged. “Maybe.”
I exhaled. “The night I finished the Astro—”
“You finished?” he interrupted. “Way to fucking go, Maniac.” A grin split his lips that was too contagious not to share. He thumbed my lower lip, exposing my teeth. When he spoke, it matched the softness in his eyes. “Okay, continue.”
“Graham showed up. He’s been showing up. The first time was a few months ago. He was trying to get into my computer. I have no idea why, though. I wouldn’t let him and…”
Calder drifted his touch along my jaw, anger turning his gaze black. A quiet restraint vibrated when he spoke. “Do you know what he wants?”
“I have no idea,” I said honestly. “It’s not like there’s anything of value on it—well, value to someone other than an astrophysicist. Now,” I said, shifting the subject back, “tell me what happened back there. Did he owe the Mafia money or something?”
Calder shook his head. “That had nothing to do with the Mafia. I…” He rubbed his jaw like he was looking for the right word. “I occasionally help people who have assholes for a husband.”
Assholes for a husband?
My brow pinched as I tried to make sense of that. Then it hit me.
“You were helping someone get out of an abusive relationship?”
Calder nodded. “Sometimes people need a little more persuading than others.”
We were silent for a moment. I searched the cracked ice in his blue eyes.
He was out there helping people who couldn’t help themselves?
That was…
Calder stepped away, misinterpreting my silence for condemnation. I grabbed him, pulling him back.
“Shay—”
“So you beat up assholes for a hobby. It’s not ideal, but, I mean, it’s better than if you had a podcast. Wait.” I paused. “You don’t have a podcast, do you?”
He smiled, biting his lower lip in a boyish way that contrasted with the very real blood on his hands. Then his features hardened, and the light in his eyes was once again replaced with storm.
“I’m going to call you a car—”
“Why did you take me back here?” I pressed. “Why didn’t you just drop me off or leave me to be collected by the police.”
“You won’t go to jail.” His face twisted, like I’d offended him with the thought.
I grabbed his arm again, forcing him to stop. “Why am I here?”
“Because I can’t fucking get enough of you,” he growled and stepped between my thighs, forcing me to grab hold of his biceps or fall back against the mirror.
“And even though I know I need to leave you alone, I can’t.
” He pressed deeper into me, cock hard. “And seeing you covered in the blood of some asshole you fucked up is making me lose the tiny shred of control I’ve been clinging to.
” My hands traveled up to his chest, gripping the fabric, pulling him closer.
“I want you in my fucking life.” Calder’s voice got lower and huskier, as if he was losing himself in a taboo fantasy. “I want you in my bed. I want my sheets to smell like you. I want you.”
His gaze throbbed, the cracked ice in his eyes splintering and shooting out into my chest. I leaned closer, angling my jaw to kiss him.
He sighed against my lips. “I’ll call you a car.”
I blinked my eyes open, dazed. “What?”
“It’s late, Shay,” he said, eyes dropping to my lips.
“You said you wanted more with me.”
“I had no right to say that,” he said, voice strained.
“Do you take it back?”
“No fucking way.” Maybe he saw the hope in my eyes, because he immediately added, “I’m in the Mafia, Shay.”
I shrugged. “It’s not my favorite genre, but I’ll read it. Honestly, you wanna know what I’m really mad about? All this time we could have been role-playing.”
He blinked, looking at me as if discovering a new kind of fruit. Something he couldn’t define but was hungry for.
“Not exactly role-play, Maniac,” he said.
I wanted to kiss him, needed to taste the longing that shredded his voice like sandpaper. But he stepped off, exhaling, and dragged two hands through his wavy hair. I hopped off the sink, following him.
“Shay, I can’t, we can’t—”
“You were right,” I said. “All those months ago, you were right. I wasn’t looking for a good person. I wanted a bad guy. I thought I couldn’t get hurt that way. I thought…I don’t know, that that was what I deserved.”
A flinty, ice-cold anger hardened his features to steel. But again, when he spoke, his words were soft. Calm. “Shay, you deserve the fucking world—”
“But that’s not what’s happening here,” I said. “I wanted a bad guy, and instead I got you. Who, apparently, is one of the best.”
His eyes crinkled. “Shay…”
I stepped closer, fisting my fingers in the fabric of his shirt, tugging myself up to him. He responded, wrapping his arm around my waist.
“I don’t really know your world outside of books,” I said, voice soft. “But I know you.”
“Shay, this…we don’t make sense.” He was quiet, gaze on mine, brow furrowed. His fingers clenched at my lower waist, simultaneously dragging me closer while trying to pull back.
“Good,” I said. “I have spent my entire fucking life trying to make myself make sense to other people. I lie about how sick I am because it doesn’t make sense to be both sick and look fine.
I chose a guy that made sense. I don’t want to make sense.
I want to be.” I leaned closer. “Are people in the Mafia not allowed to have girlfriends?”
My words seemed to wake him up. He let me go, taking a step back.
“Shay—”
“Do you love me?” I demanded, stepping closer so he couldn’t get away. His back pressed against the wall, I pinned him.
“Please, Shay.” He sounded pained.
“Maybe I should run away. Call the police,” I said, pressing my body into his. Molding against him. His hands were splayed flat against the wall, knuckles white, as if it was taking a tremendous effort not to reach for me.
And as fucked as it was, there was something empowering about this big, scary Mafia man terrified that I was touching him.
“I spent a long time after Graham worrying about red flags. I didn’t know how I could wake up one day and years had passed.
I’d become someone different, someone who allowed that behavior.
I was terrified it would happen again.” His eyes met mine, darkening as I dragged my hands up his body, clutching his shirt.
“I used to think love meant sacrifice,” I continued. “So I gave up my entire self for Graham. And he took it greedily. You’ve filled me back up. You pushed me to fulfill my dreams. The way you treat and care for me makes me want to be nicer to myself.”
He groaned, pressing his forehead to mine. “Shay…you were in my life for one day and are covered in blood.”
“Stop fucking sacrificing for me, Calder!” I said, voice rising. “Do you love me?”
He tangled his hands in my hair, grip bruising, pulling me up to my tiptoes to meet his wild, manic eyes.
“Of course I love you!” His hungry, feral gaze dropped to my mouth, fist in my hair tightening, looking almost angry.
“I don’t get a choice in it. My love for you is like the dark matter you study.
It’s the thing that exists when all else dies.
The secret, invisible black holding the universe up. ”
He spun us around, switching places, so I was against the wall, pinned beneath him.
“Leave,” he growled, punctuating the words by grinding his cock into my stomach.
“No.” My lips brushed his lightly, and he groaned with the contact, grinding harder into me.
“I can’t hold back anymore.”
“Good.” His jaw was so tight, the muscle bounced. Eyes dark, heavy lidded, fingers bruising my scalp. He rubbed his cock against me like a crazed animal.
And yet he still wouldn’t give in.
“If you don’t have me,” I said, echoing one of our first conversations. “I’ll just find some other criminal who doesn’t have such an annoying moral code.”
I grabbed his bottom lip between my teeth, pulling it out with a pop.
“Little Maniac,” he growled, the sound vibrating through my blood and making my teeth tingle.
And then his lips stole mine.