Chapter Twenty
“Emilia…” Nathaniel whispered.
His wife moaned softly as she pulled her blankets tighter under her chin.
Her red curls were loose, splayed wildly across her pillow, and her cheek was pressed firmly into the soft feathers as she slept.
Her lashes brushed the soft freckles that were dusted across her cheeks and her lips were curled into a relaxed smile.
She truly was the most enchanting woman on earth. It almost pained Nathaniel to wake her.
He hoped to tell her about his plan before she retired, but the House had debated long into the night and he found himself coming home long after the lights had gone dark.
It wasn’t the first evening he had missed dinner with his wife, but now that he was no longer fighting his feelings for her, he was desperate to be in her presence. Even more so, he was desperate to allow her access to every part of him and his life.
“Emilia,” he whispered again, softly brushing a silky, soft lock of hair away from her face; his fingers gently grazing the skin along her temple.
She stirred slightly, and a wave of uncertainty filled Nathaniel.
He hadn’t fully considered how she would feel, waking up in the dead of night to find him leaning over the side of her bed—but there was no turning back now.
Emilia blinked slowly, her nose scrunching as the light from Nathaniel’s candle reached her eyes.
“Nathaniel?” Her groggy voice sent a feeling of warmth through him.
“Yes, my dear,” he replied. “I am sorry to wake you.”
Emilia sat up with a start, her eyes darting around the room. “Has something happened? Are you alright?” She asked, her voice full of concern.
“Everything is perfectly fine. I did not mean to startle you.”
Emilia turned back, regarding him slowly. He was dressed as he had been the morning he discovered her in the kitchen, only this time he had made sure his shirt ties were securely fastened.
“What are you doing here?” She asked warily. “What time is it?”
“It is half past three.” he admitted sheepishly.
“In the morning?”
Nathaniel nodded. “I wish to show you something, but we must go before the sunrise.”
He could see a war waging behind her eyes. He held his breath as he waited, hoping beyond hope that her curiosity, and trust in him would win out.
She nodded slowly. Nathaniel stood, taking a step back from the edge of her bed to give her a more comfortable amount of space.
“I will allow you to dress. Wear something simple if you have it.”
He stepped from the room, but left his candle sitting on the table beside her bed to give her light. He leaned against the wall, letting the dark quiet of the early morning envelop him and the deafening pounding of his heart.
He knew there was no real risk in exposing his secrets to Emilia.
He trusted her completely to keep them, but even she didn’t, it was not as though there was anything inconceivably scandalous about being on a boat out in the water.
But it was the only part of him that wasn’t on full display for London Society to scrutinize and pass their silent judgments.
By sharing this one small part of him with Emilia, he was opening himself up to share so much more with her—his fears and insecurities, the dreams he had lost and the ones he held on to still, his past and his future.
He wasn’t sure how it happened, but he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted her to be a part of it all.
The door to Emilia’s chambers opened, and she stepped out, carrying the soft, glowing candle with her. The golden light that flooded the hall was nothing compared to the radiance possessed.
She gave him a shy smile. “Is this acceptable?” She gestured to her simple blue muslin dress. Her hair was twisted into a haphazard knot at the top of her head, and Nathaniel knew it wouldn’t be long before the already protesting curls fought their way free.
He nodded. “Perfectly acceptable.”
They snuck through the kitchen, and Emilia hesitated for only a moment before taking Nathaniel’s outstretched hand as he led them out the door. The sky was still dark, and the town was silent. The only sound to be heard was the fall of their footsteps against the cobblestone streets.
Nathaniel slowed his pace. It was no more than half an hour's walk to the small private boathouse, but he did not wish to tire Emilia.
He also wanted to ensure that he had enough time to memorize the feel of her hand in his, and the brush of her shoulder against his coat as she leaned in closer to him with every step.
They reached the landing at Whitehall far too quickly. Nathaniel kept Emilia close as they descended the river stairs towards the small boat, already waiting in the water, just as Nathaniel had instructed.
“Nathaniel…” Emilia finally broke her silence, and her grip on his hand tightened. “What are we doing out here?”
Nathaniel stopped and turned to face her. She stood one step behind him, putting her eyes directly across from his. She searched his face, and for the first time Nathaniel did not feel the need to shield her from what she might find.
“I wish to share my secret,” he said, and her eyes immediately widened in surprise.
“It is nothing shocking, I assure you,” he laughed. The sound seemed to stir up the stillness of the moment, and a soft breeze blew over them from the surface of the Thames. Nathaniel reached up to gently tuck a stray curl behind Emilia’s ear.
“I told you that I have always held a fascination for the sea, and as hard as I have tried I can not stop being drawn to the water.
After inheriting the Kenswick title, I began rowing just to relieve the pressure, but it became something I craved.
When I am on the water, I am nothing but a man with two oars.
The river does not know who I am, or have any expectations.
I do not hide this part of my life because I am ashamed of it, I hide it because it was the only thing I ever had that was truly mine; something that no one else could claim, or judge.
The strength and endurance I have built over the years is the only thing I feel I have ever truly earned. It is something no one can ever take from me. But I no longer want to keep it to myself.
I said I wanted a real marriage, and that is the truth Emilia. But more than anything, I want you to feel as though you are safe with me. I thought perhaps, if I entrusted you with the one thing that has only ever been mine, perhaps you could come to trust me as well.”
Emilia’s eyes were shining with tears as she silently took in every word. Nathaniel wished he could pull every thought from her mind, but he knew how much sweeter it would be once she fully trusted him enough to share her heart with him.
Nathaniel extended his hand to her once more, and she looked at him with a curious scrunch of her brow. “Do you actually mean to take me out on the water?”
“It is perfectly safe,” he replied. “And if it is not, I believe I have proven myself perfectly capable of swimming us both safely to shore.”
He was rewarded with the sound of sweet laughter as she clasped his hand and followed him to the where the boathouse master had tied the skiff.
Nathaniel settled Emilia onto the cushion that was meant to act as a barrier between her and the damp floor of the boat. He released the rope and lowered himself onto the bench and picked up the oars.
Emilia was facing him, but her eyes remained fixed on the river. The full moon reflected off of the still surface of the water, wrapping her in its silver glow. He could spend the rest of his life basking in her beauty, but he forced his eyes to focus on his task.
“I was running away.” Emilia’s voice was barely more than a whisper.
Nathaniel looked up from the oars to find that Emilia was no longer watching the river, and her eyes found his. He slowed his strokes until the skiff drifted upon the current, the only sound was the gentle lapping of water against its hull.
“During my first season, my uncle arranged a courtship with a young gentleman,” she said, her hands twisting together in her lap.
“He was lovely at first, until I realized that his interests did not lie with me, but rather a business arrangement with my uncle. He started to become cruel, but my uncle was determined to see the match through.” She lowered her gaze to the water below.
“The night you found me in the Thames, I found someone willing to smuggle me onto a ship leaving England.” Each word she spoke tumbled out quickly, one on top of another.
“As I was descending the river steps, I saw your boat through the fog. I moved too fast and fell into the water. The other man fled when you jumped in after me.”
Nathaniel could do nothing but stare at her. She had been trying to escape the life in which she had been held captive, and he had delivered her back to it. Every time he stepped in to rescue this woman he ended up trapping her even more.
“I am so sorry, Emilia, I thought I was saving you.”
“You have saved me from far more than you realize.”
Nathaniel rested the oars along the sides of the boat, letting the current take them wherever it wished.
“What happened to the gentleman who was courting you?” He asked.
She drew in a quick breath, and for a moment he thought she wasn’t going to answer.
“Shortly after, he and my uncle had a falling out and he disappeared. I have not seen or heard from him since.”
Nathaniel nodded. Questions still plagued his mind, mainly if Lord Moorfield had anything to do with the young man’s disappearance, but there was no question more important than the woman sitting in front of him now.
He reached across the small space between them, lightly grasping her hands. Her skin was cool from the morning air.
“Thank you, Emilia,” he said softly.
“For what?” She tilted her head and he noticed a single stray tear on her cheek.
“For trusting me,” he replied. “I realize it is not something you give freely, and I promise I will spend the rest of my life proving myself worthy of it.”