Chapter Twenty-Six
Emilia slowly pushed open the door to Nathaniel’s study. He hadn’t responded to her knock, but the light flickering from under the door gave her hope he was still inside.
The room was dark aside from the waning candle sitting on the edge of his desk.
Once her eyes adjusted to the lack of light, they fell on the sleeping form hunched over the desk.
Nathaniel’s head lay atop his arms, and his back rose and fell in a slow, peaceful rhythm.
It was not yet ten o’clock, but the exhaustion of the evening must have overtaken him.
Emilia was still uncertain if he ever slept, and it broke her heart to wake him.
She knelt beside his chair. Even sleeping, he possessed a certain strength that was etched into his very being—his broad shoulders that filled the chair even when hunched over, the solid curve of his back, and the forearms resting beneath his head.
There was something soft and vulnerable about him now.
Without the weight of expectations and responsibility pressing down on him, the lines of his face softened, and he looked as peaceful as he was handsome.
His lips parted slightly with each soft and steady breath.
His dark lashes rested against his cheeks, and a lock of jet-black hair had fallen across his forehead.
This man was not the Duke of Kenswick.
This was Nathaniel.
For several moments, Emilia watched him as he slept.
How many nights had he fallen asleep at this very desk while carrying the burdens of those he claimed responsibility for?
How many nights did he lose sleep worrying about his tenants and his family?
How much weariness was he hiding behind his perfectly maintained composure?
And would he ever trust her enough again to share it with her?
Emilia’s chest tightened painfully. She slowly reached for him, her fingers brushing away the loose lock of hair that had fallen over his eye.
Nathaniel stirred, and a soft hum escaped his lips.
He instinctively turned his head into the warmth of her hand.
Fresh tears blurred Emilia’s vision. Her mind drifted back to the moment in the drawing room before everything had come crashing down—the nearness of him, the way he looked at her as though she was as dear as the air he breathed.
She let her fingers drift gently into his hair, smoothing the dark strands back from his face.
Nathaniel’s brow twitched, and slowly his eyes blinked open.
The moment his crystal blue eyes saw her, they brightened, and a lazy, sleepy smile crossed his lips.
As he continued to blink, the light in them dimmed and his smile slowly faded.
He did not look away from her, but moisture began to gather at the corners of his eyes.
“Nathaniel…” Emilia said through the lump on her throat.
His jaw tightened as he pushed himself upright. He rubbed a hand over his face, as if he could brush away the sleep and weariness that looked like it ran bone deep.
“I know you are angry with me,” Emilia began. She had planned out what she was going to say on her walk to his study, but the moment she saw his face soften, she had forgotten every word.
“I am not angry, Emilia.” The gentleness of his voice nearly undid her. “I am hurt.” Nathaniel’s voice was thick with emotion. His eyes brimmed with tears, but he did not turn away from her in an attempt to hide them.
Nathaniel sat back in his chair as he reached down for her hand, pulling her from where she still knelt on the rug. He placed his hands gently on her arms, guiding her in front of him until she could rest against the surface of the desk.
“I understand why you did not tell me at first.” His voice was steady now, but his eyes relentlessly searched hers as he spoke. “If the navy were to discover that your brother had deserted his post….” his words trailed off.
“...but after all these months, do you still not trust me?” His voice was not raised, and somehow that hurt more than if he had shouted.
“I do,” Emilia answered sincerely. “Nathaniel, I do trust you.”
“Then why did you not tell me Alexander was alive after you discovered Mr. Fawley’s letter?” His brows furrowed. “I told you I would have done anything to bring him home to you, and I have the power and influence to do it if you would have told me the truth.”
“That is precisely why I did not tell you,” Emilia admitted quietly, noticing the confusion in Nathaniel’s eyes.
“You feel the need to carry everyone’s burdens upon your own shoulders. You cannot rest if you feel as though there is something you have left undone.”
“I am a duke, Emilia. I have responsibilities.”
“I was trying to protect you from taking on another one.” She took in a trembling breath. “You do not know what Alexander and I have hidden. I did not want to give you another burden to carry.
“You are not a burden, Emilia, you are my wife!” Frustration dripped from tone but his eyes remained soft. “I do not care for you because it is my duty! I care for you because I….” His words stopped short as he abruptly stood from his chair, shoving it against the shelves behind him.
He took a step away from her, rubbing both hands over his face again and again, as if he were fighting against whatever words were threatening to burst forth.
“I care for you because I love you!”
Emilia felt as though her heart were racing and standing still at the same time. The room disappeared around her, and all she could see was Nathaniel’s wild eyes locked on hers and the pounding of his heart against his throat.
“What?” She whispered. Emilia sat back fully on the desk, no longer trusting her knees to hold her weight.
“I love you, Emilia,” Nathaniel breathed, taking a step towards her. “I believe I may have loved you since the moment I pulled you from the Thames.”
Each word came out faster than the one before, as though the weight of holding them back for so long pushed them out with force. Emilia’s knuckles turned white as she gripped the edge of the desk. Nathaniel continued to come closer until he stood directly in front of her.
“I said nothing, because I did not want you to feel you had to respond if you did not return my feelings. But I have been waiting…” Nathaniel placed his hands on top of the desk on either side of hers. He was close enough that Emilia could see every emotion burning in his eyes.
“…in agony, I have been waiting for you to notice the depths of my affections.”
Emilia opened her mouth to speak, but was unable to form any words.
Her husband was in love with her. Nothing in the world mattered beyond that one, beautiful and dizzying thought.
She must have stayed silent for too long, because Nathaniel’s head hung low as he dropped his arms and took a step back.
“I suppose I am angry,” he whispered at the ground. “I am angry at myself. For earlier, in the drawing room, I allowed myself to believe that you were going to tell me…” His words faded, but a tear trailed down his face.
“That I love you?” Emilia finally found her voice.
Nathaniel didn’t answer, but he didn’t have to. She could see it reflected in the tears in his eyes. The pain he felt wasn’t from the secret she had kept, but from believing he had given his heart to someone who did not wish for it.
“I wanted to,” Emilia said. “I was going to.”
Nathaniel looked up at her again. The tiny flicker of hope she saw in him emboldened her to go on.
“But I knew I had to tell you the truth first. I could not offer you my heart until you saw every broken piece of it.”
Nathaniel leaned forward until only inches separated them. He moved slowly, his eyes roaming her face, as though he was looking for any sign that she did not mean what she had said.
His hands rose to cradle her face, and he lowered his head until his nose brushed against hers.
“You love me?” He asked, his voice thick with tears.
Emilia swallowed every desire to declare her feelings and throw herself fully into arms.
“Nathaniel, there is something you must know….”
“Emilia, please,” Nathaniel pleaded. “I can endure whatever you have to tell me,” he said, drawing her even closer to him, until she could feel his breath against her lips. “But first, I need to hear you say it.”
Every fear and uncertainty dissolved beneath the sure strength of his touch. Emilia leaned back just enough so that she could look him in the eye.
“Nathaniel, I love you.” The tears came fast despite the smile pulling on her lips. “I love you so completely, it is hard to believe there was ever a time my heart did not belong to you.”
Before she could speak another word, his lips were on hers. His hands remained against her cheeks as though he feared she might disappear if he let go.
When he had kissed her on the river, there was a controlled reverence in his movements. She could sense the restraint in every touch, as if the moment had been nothing but a dream that would have been easily shattered by a single misstep.
There was no such control in this moment. The walls they had both carefully constructed with the fears and pain of their pasts had come crumbling down, and the only thing that stood between them now were their declarations of love still echoing in the quiet, night air.
Emilia reached for him, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt as she tried to pull him even closer. Nathaniel nearly lost his balance as his knees bumped against the desk. He broke their kiss as he laughed against her lips.
His hands dropped from her face. He wrapped one arm around her waist, leaning his other hand on the surface of the desk to steady them both.
He lowered his head, smiling as he kissed her again. Emilia melted against his chest, their hearts relentlessly pounding in sync. When Nathaniel eventually pulled away again, it was only to rest his forehead against hers.
Neither of them dared to speak a word. Emilia wished she could live in this moment forever. She wrapped her arms securely around Nathaniel’s waist, steadying herself against him as she drew in a shaky breath.
“Nathaniel…”