Chapter One
Chloe-Present Day
I open my eyes at exactly 5:48 a.m. just as I do every morning. Frustrated, I sigh and wonder if I will ever sleep past this time. I have tried everything I know to make it happen: exercise, vitamin supplements, sleeping masks, sleeping pills , but no dice. I’m beginning to think there isn’t anything that can fix my problem.
My mind whispers to me that this isn’t a physical problem and that’s why nothing is working. I ignore those whispers because I know it’s true, but it’s not something I can accept at the moment.
Getting out of bed, I avoid looking in the mirror because I just don’t want to see my face. If I do, I might have to admit the truth, which is that I know exactly why I can’t sleep. No rest for the wicked, right? Or at least that’s what my granny used to say. I used to brush off all her little sayings, but now I wonder if she isn’t as crazy as everyone thinks. Thinking of her makes my heart ache…I miss her so much…but having dementia has stolen her from me; the one person who would have actually cared
Now, back to her concept of rest vs the wicked, if she’s right, then I won’t ever get any rest. After all, I’m possibly the world’s worst offender. With that bleak thought, I avoid the mirror for as long as possible and try to go about my daily routine.
Just as I am about to get my clothes out of my closet, my door flies open and my best friend, Madison, dances in. Yes, that’s right, she dances. I really hate cheerful people in the morning! I mean, what is so great about having to get up and face whatever crap the day decides to throw at me? But, Madison evidently sees things differently.
She gives me a hug and says, “Hey chickadee, you’re already up!” She’s so cheerful that I want to throw something or maybe be a little mean.
“Sorry,” I say in an extremely sarcastic tone, “I know your day sucks if you don’t get to wake me up.”
Madison’s smile drops and she stares at me for a few seconds. This is just long enough that I really start to feel like crap; my problems aren’t her fault. She narrows her eyes at me and says “Sooo, I take it you’re being a total bitch this morning because your eyes popped open at 5:48?”
Feeling very guilty because she’s my best friend and such a sweet person, I start to apologize for my behavior. “Maddie, I’m…”
She cuts me off with a hurt look. “Chloe, don’t apologize. But, I am going to say it again, for the thousandth time, please talk to someone. I am really worried about you. I hear you tossing, turning, and mumbling in your sleep. This isn’t good for you physically or mentally. I’m here for you, if you ever want to talk, but since I know it’s not going to happen, I’m begging you again to get help somewhere from someone.” With that being said, she turns around and leaves before I can reply.
I know she’s right; but I can’t do it. I deserve to be sleepless; if that’s my punishment, then I’ll just have to bear it. Hoping to put this morning’s drama behind me, I turn on my Spotify morning playlist; it’s my happy music that gets me going. I grab a couple of towels and washcloths from the linen closet and start my shower. I do all of this without ever looking in the mirror. I’m really becoming a pro at avoidance. I guess that’s just another black mark against me; can I be any more self-loathing and pathetic? I try to drown out my thoughts with the sounds of the music and the water, desperate to keep going without thinking, but I can’t help but notice the moisture on my face is not just the water from the shower.