Chapter Seventeen
Chloe
I wake up sometime around 2:00 a.m.…well, that’s new; it isn’t 5:48 so I will gladly take it. I suddenly feel that I’m not alone and now I know why I’m so warm and comfortable. Jayson is wrapped around me in his sleep like he is afraid I will try to escape. There is no way I am leaving this bed willingly with him in it.
I try to scoot around to get more comfortable and he just moves with me. My head is on his shoulder and my legs are intertwined with his while he has his arm wrapped around my waist. I’m lying here thinking that nothing could be better this. I have never felt so safe in my life. With that thought, a pang of fear goes through my body so strong, I shudder. I suddenly realize that this could be taken away from me in a heartbeat if I don’t come clean with him.
I know I have to tell him and I actually want to; I just don’t know how to do it. I have kept it shut up inside me for so long that I barely admit it to myself. It’s just that we are so new; if I were himand I found out this type of secret, I would most likely break it off. At least I think I would. Right now, I don’t know anymore. I tell myself that we need to get to know each other better and spend more tim e together and then I will do it. I also know this is a bunch of bullcrap that I am telling myself. If I know me and I do, I’m going to wait until the last minute or until I am forced to tell him. I just pray that he is a better person than I am and will give me a chance to explain.
With all my self-reflection, I must have stiffened up because Jayson wakes up and I know he is staring at me. He starts rubbing my back and I am doing everything I can to keep from crying and letting it all out. Maybe I should just tell him now while we are still new and it won’t hurt so badly when he leaves me. I know he can feel the shudders in my body from me crying and I’m wetting his chest with my tears. I wait for him to question me and insist I tell him what is wrong. But, he proves me wrong again when he rolls me beneath him. His arms lie on either side of my head and he starts kissing away my tears. This only serves to make him appear even sweeter than ever. I finally get control of myself and I realize he is lying above me with a strange look on his face.
I began to try to speak and he rolls over, taking me with him. With our arms wrapped around each other, he whispers in my ear that he knows something is bothering me. He tells me he has known it since Chipotle when I had to hurry to the restroom to keep from crying. His next words make me want to get on my knees and propose.
Though it’s only us in the room, he whispers, “I know something has happened to you. I have no idea what it is, but I know it keeps you from living life. I’m going to help you start learning to live this life that is passing you by. Whatever is causing the dark circles under your eyes and these tears can’t be that bad. I’m not going to push you to tell me. You will tell me when you trust me. As much as I want to rush that, I can see you don’t trust easily. But, we’re going to get there, princess. And I’m not going to love you any less for it.”
By this point, I’m shaking and holding onto him so hard, I’m sure he will have marks from my hands digging into his skin. Did he just say he wouldn’t love me any less?
As if he can hear my thoughts, he tells me “Yes, I did say love and that’s what I meant.”
I start to protest, but he tells me that he knows his feelings, he can’t help if they’re fast, and don’t fit in with what society thinks is an acceptable time frame for saying those words. I don’t know what to say; I know what I feel, but I’m way too scared to say it. Especially with him not knowing what he is facing by being with me.
All this emotion is getting to be too much for me. So, I do what I’ve wanted to do for a while; I’m doubting that he is going to protest. Seeing that he is already just in his boxer briefs, I sit up and pull my nightgown over my head. With the little light that is shining through my window, he looks slightly panicked but even more turned on. I know what I want though and if this gets to be the only thing I can have with him, I’m going to take it.
I lean down and begin kissing him on his face, neck, and chest. I have no idea what I am doing, but I am going to wing it. As I kiss down his chest, I realize that I want to see this gorgeous body that I am loving on. So, I reach over to my bedside table and turn my lamp on low. It’s just enough light that I can see all that is Jayson.
I begin pulling down his boxer briefs and he lifts his hips to help me. Oh crap, how in the freaking hell is that going to go inside of me? Choosing not to focus on that, I realize that his cock is beautiful like the rest of him and I think to myself, what a strange thought!
My brain is working overtime because I also notice that either my man has been skinny dipping in the daytime or something because he has no tan lines anywhere on his body. Once again, I start kissing his chest and move down to his stomach where his cock is laying. I just lay there with my head on his stomach and hold him, sometimes moving my hand up and down, but mainly just holding onto him like it is my security blanket. Yes, I know this sounds weird!
Finally, I get the bravery to kiss the tip and take his head into my mouth. I have never wanted to do this before. I always thought it would taste gross like maybe if they didn’t get the urine off completely or it would be sweaty. Jayson just has a clean taste and I want more of him in my mouth. I open my mouth to take him in and begin moving my head up and down.
I look up at him and he actually looks like he is in pain and I think, “Holy crap, I’m doing it wrong!”
He falls out of my mouth as I sit up. I sit there for a minute because I’m in shock; I didn’t think there was a wrong way to give a blowjob, but it looks like there is and I found it. Wrapping my arms around my knees, I turn my head away from him because I am so freaking humiliated. The next thing I know, he is sitting next to me and pulls me on his lap.
“What is wrong and why do you look as if somebody stole your Michael Kors bag away from you,” he asks?
I want to try to be mad, but that makes me laugh. I hit him in the shoulder and tell him joking about Michael is never funny!
I get serious then and tell him what I am thinking. “I just can’t believe I screwed up a blowjob! I mean, I thought if you get your mouth down there and don’t bite anything, you’re good to go!” He is looking at me like I’m crazy so I keep going. “I actually had you in my mouth and you looked like you were in pain. I may not be experienced, but even I know BJ’s don’t cause pain!”
Jayson laughs until he can’t talk and now I’m getting pissed at him. While trying to breathe through his laughter, he tells me that he wasn’t in pain, but that it felt so great, he was afraid of it ending too quickly.
Now, I’m looking at him with a question and he says, “I didn’t want to come in your mouth.” I think my face is turning every color of the rainbow. He grabs me up and hugs me and says, “It was really good, baby, but I didn’t want to just blow my load into your mouth after a couple of minutes.”
We are both laughing at this point and he tells me that I can work on my skills later. Climbing back into bed, we lay there and he asks me if I was doing it to distract him from our earlier discussion? Jesus, he is freaking smart and knows me pretty well already. I don’t want to talk about this because I know it’s going to lead into a conversation I’m not ready for. So I tell him that he just felt and smelled so good; I wanted to taste him.
He gives me a hug and says all of that will come naturally, but he wants to go slow. I tell him after my bath that I do not want to go slow at all. I also tell him that I do not want to be the last college aged virgin alive. I thought he would think this was funny, but I get the look and he tells me that when it happens, it’s not going to be because I am upset and want to use sex to cover it up.
Feeling like he is rejecting me, I feel sad, mad, and plain pissed off until I finally accept he is right. I remember explaining to Daniel that I wanted it to be special and now I actually have that chance with Jayson. I may not be getting married or engaged to him, but it still feels like it would be special between us. I bury my face in his neck and he whispers that when I trust him fully, he’s going to have me.
At first, I’m thrilled until I realize what he is saying. When I trust him enough to tell him my secret, we will be together in every way. I try to be still and act like everything is ok, but I know he can feel the stiffness in my body. We lay there and he strokes my back until I finally fall asleep praying that I don’t open my eyes at 5:48. I have a feeling if I do, my secret is going to come out a lot quicker and I’m just not ready.