Chapter Thirty-Five
Chloe
I feel myself starting to wake up; it’s that time between sleep and waking where you are still sleepy, but mostly aware of your surroundings. It’s dark in Jayson’s room, but it’s the type of darkness that occurs at the night’s latest time, right before daylight begins and the sun comes up.
Looking over at him, I can see that he sleeps the sleep of a person peaceful with himself: there’s no muttering, twitching, all of the things I do when I’m asleep. A smile forms on my lips because I realize that I did none of that last night; of course, it probably helped that Jayson put me in a sex coma.
As I start to move around, I feel sore, sticky, but extremely blissful. I probably should have cleaned up afterwards, but sex coma, remember? Realizing that I need to go to the restroom like last year, I try to get out of bed without waking him. Once I’m up and moving, I see the clock…its 4:12 AM…I think my cheeks are about to crack from grinning because it doesn’t say 5:48. That has to be some sort of progress and closure. All I can think of is soon as I’m done relieving my poor bladder, I’m looking in his mirror!
Now that I can move without the threat of dying from my bladder bursting, I walk to the sink, turn on the tap, and begin washing my hands. I haven’t looked up yet because I’m freaking scared to do it. What will I see? Will all my demons be gone or will I see the same girl that felt like she murdered a child and caused a couple to be scarred for life? My breaths start to come faster as do the tears and I realize that maybe last night didn’t change anything at all.
I turn off the water, dry my hands, and turn back to the mirror. I am going to look no matter what I may feel when I see my reflection. I know I have to beat this if I want to have any sort of an emotionally healthy life. It definitely isn’t fair to Jayson and it isn’t fair to me either. I think that is the first time I have ever thought of myself in reference to this tragedy. That must mean something good. Even I know the difference between accepting responsibility for my part in the accident and blaming myself for things I can’t control. Still, that never mattered to me before, I can only credit the love and hope I feel from Jayson as a catalyst for my change in thinking.
Grasping the counter, I tell myself, “Just do it!” Wait, that’s from Nike. Oh, hell, where did that come from? I think that my little friend, avoidance, is making an appearance. Suddenly, I do it; I look and there I am. I don’t look different, I still have the same curly hair, the same color eyes, but some of the shadows aren’t quite as dark…my eyes have a bit of a sparkle. The more I look, the more I can feel the old feelings trying to make their way up into my brain.
The same old thoughts try to push through: You’re a murderer, you deserve to be alone, you don’t deserve to live, etc. They are all there and for a moment, I buckle under their ferocity. It is second nature for me to give into them and as I stand there clutching the counter, ugly sobs come from within my deepest soul. I cry for Alex Sterling and the life he will never live, I cry for his parents and the loss they live with daily as well as the injuries that have changed their life forever. But, I also cry for me and the three years I have lost hating myself and unable to let go and live. I have remained that 18-year-old child who lost her parents’ love, if it was ever there to begin with, and who had to deal with a life-altering trauma alone both physically and emotionally.
I feel strong arms go around my waist and as usual the strength I need, the hope, and the love is tangible. I can almost touch it. He pulls me to him and buries his face in my hair. I can’t understand what he is saying, but I feel the vibrations against my scalp. I know it is most likely something comforting.
His words come back to me when we talked about the pain of losing my virginity…”like anything good in life, there is a little pain”…and he is so right. It still hurts, but the pain is starting to ebb, and I feel that tendril of hope sending warmth through my body. I have a journey that I am going to take. It’s going to hurt, but at the end I am going to be stronger; this realization strengthens me.
I want to do everything I can to deserve the man hugging me. Without him, I would have possibly never gotten to this point. I want to do it for him and I want to do it for me. I look in the mirror and he looks as well. I smile at him through my tears and he smiles back; I will do anything I can to make this last.