Chapter Twelve
Outside, Alex didn’t try to hold my hand. I didn’t push it, fearing the tabloids, fearing I had hurt her irreparably. “If you’re feeling ill, we can just sit here,” I said, as we waited for her car from the valet. “Or I could drive, though I know that’s kind of a lot of trust for a second date.”
Alex shook her head, though even beneath the warm outdoor lights, she looked pale.
“Alex, I’m really sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything,” she whispered. “It’s okay.”
The car finally pulled up. When the valet helped us in, I kept an eye on Alex, noting her tension.
Things didn’t improve as we drove onto the street. “Alex, can we talk about this?”
“It’s nothing.”
“I’m not stupid. Just tell me what’s on your mind.”
My gut churned as she moved to pull over, parking in a dark lot around the corner. “I can’t breathe in here,” she muttered, her breath coming labored.
When she exited the car, I followed. My heels crunched gravel dust. “If you’re not in the mood, we can just go back to your condo and chill,” I said.
“Maybe put on a movie. Or talk.” Despite my words, Alex said nothing, merely stared at the grimy concrete with a trembling jaw.
I took her hand and tried to smile, crestfallen when she didn’t smile back. “Alex, what’s going on?”
She gently unthreaded her hand from mine. “We have to break up.”
The twist in my gut became a knot. My throat choked. “Wait, what?”
Her voice came breathless, panicked. “Because you have no fucking idea what you’re signing up for. You deserve better.”
I rapidly shook my head, as though that could erase this new reality.
“Yes, I know about your past, Alex. I-I looked it up. I know I probably shouldn’t have, but my mom was worried.
I don’t care about any of that though. I don’t care who you were.
I care who you are now, and who you are now is sweet and funny and caring and—”
“We’ve been on one and a half dates, and you were already on the news. What about when they start following you? Accosting you? You already have one stalker—you don’t need the damn paparazzi.”
“I don’t care about any of that.” I tried to grab her hand, my eyes stinging when she pulled it away. “What I’m signing up for is being with someone who actually cares about me! What the hell even changed, Alex? Yesterday, things were perfect.”
“Your mom thinks I’m a freak, and she’s right. I’m really good at falling fast and fucking pretty girls over.” Alex’s eyes rimmed with red, her voice quivering. “Awesome, you did a deep dive into my sordid past, but do you have any idea how many women I hurt? How many lies I told to get laid?”
“Have you lied to me, Alex?”
“The coffee—”
“Oh, fuck the coffee!” I was ready to beg, to fall to my knees. Instead, I succeeded in grabbing her hand. “Please don’t throw me away because you think you’ll hurt me.”
“I don’t think. I know. It’s what I do.”
“Okay, then you will! And it’ll still hurt a million times less than what everyone else has done.” I tried to swallow my tears but failed, the sting of salt escaping my eye. “We all have a past, Alex.”
“It’s not even about the past. It’s now. It’s the future. I’m sick, Terra. I’m sick in the head.”
“You’re not—”
“I literally am, Terra!” She cut off her yell, stumbling back against the car, where she slumped. The streetlight reflected unshed tears.
“I saw your medication,” I said, as gently as I could muster. “I know you’re bipolar. So yes, you’re right. You are sick, but you don’t have to say it so cruelly. You’re still a human being.”
Alex frantically shook her head. “I’ve done some sick shit when I’m manic. There’s always the threat that I’ll do it again.”
“And when you do, I’ll be there. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll…I don’t know, call your doctor or get you to rehab. Whatever you need.”
“You’re not the first girlfriend to say that,” Alex replied.
“They all say that, until I cheat in a manic haze, or scream at them because I’m drunk and paranoid.
You know there’s a restraining order against me, right?
I wouldn’t stop calling her, texting, emailing—literally everything except breaking into her house.
And you wanna know the worst part? I don’t even remember her goddamn name.
I was too high off my ass to remember harassing her. ”
“But that’s not who you are now,” I pled, coming close enough to touch. “You’re sober. You’re clean.”
“The drugs didn’t do that,” Alex snapped.
“My own fucking head did. And it’ll do it again.
I’m so damn happy with you, Terra, and that scares the shit out of me because that’s how it starts.
Joy. Euphoria. I get a taste of happiness, and the next thing I know, I’m preparing to jump off the roof because I’m God—and I’ll drag you with me, Terra. Just you fucking wait.”
Frantic, I shook my head. “You won’t. And if you tried, I could—”
“You can’t save me, Terra!” The outburst lingered like smoke in the air, toxic and choking. Regret immediately twisted her visage, her tears fighting to escape. “I’m so sorry.”
I faced the ground, my own shame rising. “I know I can’t save you.” The words mocked me as they escaped my lips, a mantra of my own inner demons. “But I could stand with you. Maybe you are a mess. So am I. I haven’t told you about my own past, but—”
“You think I don’t know about yours?”
I heard her derision, her outrage, her fear. My gaze snapped up. “What?”
Finally, she looked me dead in the eye, where I saw unshed tears. “Eloise Vanderborne.”
The words were as piercing as the gunshot that had taken her life. I could say nothing, except, “El.”
“What?”
“She went by El,” I explained, as weak as a newborn foal.
“El. Her mother was a friend of a friend of my mother’s. They ran in the same shitty social circles.”
El’s family had been rich, but I’d never known how rich. I’d only known she’d lost everything when she moved in with Mom and me.
“I saw your face in the newspaper years ago,” Alex continued. “They had posted a picture of you and El from prom in the article. I know she was murdered in a hate crime, and you….” Her words trailed off. “Well, you only faired marginally better.”
My hand had lost feeling. I realized I was squeezing hers tight enough to break bones. I said nothing, nor did I dare blink, lest I see blood behind my eyelids.
“I guess I did lie to you after all,” she said, and she tried to take her hand back; I tried to pull her forward; neither won, a stalemate ‘til the end. “Terra—”
“I don’t care about any of that, Alex,” I managed to blubber, pathetic and small. “Please don’t just throw me away because you’re afraid.”
“I’d think you, of all people, would give a shit about knowingly dating a stalker.”
It stung like a slap. I didn’t care. She ripped her hand back and stepped away. I followed. “Alex, my trauma is just that—mine. And I get to decide if you’re worthy of me.”
“Me? The fallen billionaire fuck-up?” Her laughter came cruel and dark. “I guess it’s not worse than all those shit guys you fucked. Your standards aren’t exactly enviable.”
She might as well have sucker-punched me. It would have hurt less. My jaw dropped in offense. “Why did you even bring me here if you were just going to break up with me?”
“I wasn’t going to…. Look, I’d decided last night that I had to, but then that shit happened with Cliff, and I wanted to be there for you. I tried, but I can’t do this to you.”
“Stop pretending this is about me!” My frustration peaked, the urge to shake sense into her causing my hands to wring the other. “This is all on you, Alex! I’m not making you do shit.” I held up the necklace, trembling. “What about this?”
Alex shook her head. “It’s yours. Do whatever you want with it. If you pawn it, you’ll be able to—”
“Pawn it?!” Already, I fiddled with the clasp, rage making me shake. “So this is your roundabout way of trying to leave me with cash? Paying me like one of your past hookers?”
“Don’t turn this into something it’s not.”
“I know it’s not that, but fuck you!” I managed to rip the necklace off, then tossed it at her feet. “It’s still insulting.”
“I’m trying to help you, dammit,” Alex pled, swooping down to pick the necklace up off the ground.
“I don’t need help.”
“Terra, if Cliff tries to harass you, you still need to let me know.”
My heart longed to stay, to fight, but my feet were already leading me down the road, away from her.
“Dammit, Terra—get in the car. I’ll take you home.”
I ignored her. Surely there was a bus stop somewhere.
“Terra!”
I wouldn’t let her see me sob.
But not even a minute later, her car pulled up beside me, window rolled down. “Don’t be stupid,” she said. “You need to let me take you home.”
“No!”
She stopped. I did too.
“I want you, Alex, but I don’t need you,” I snapped, ignoring how my vision blurred from unshed tears.
“And I definitely don’t need your pity. I accepted it before because I thought maybe it was just kindness, and maybe that was okay because you were my girlfriend, and that’s what girlfriends do. But don’t insult me.”
“Terra, I can’t let you walk all the way—”
“I’m taking the bus, you rich asshole!” Furious, both at her and my falling tears, I gestured to the bus stop at the corner. “Just get the hell out of here.”
I could have chased her, fallen to my knees, begged her to reconsider; instead, I watched her drive away.
My sobs came quickly, clouding all other thoughts.
Alex was gone.
She’d burst in like a comet across my sky, lighting up my eternal night with a joy I hadn’t felt in years.
And like a comet, I guess Alex hadn’t been meant to stay.
Somehow, despite my swollen eyes and the desire to crash into the gutter and die, I made it home. People on the bus generally minded their own business, even when it came to young women sobbing their eyes out in a fancy dress.
When the bus pulled up near my apartment, I checked my phone like an idiot. Nothing from Alex. Just a meme from Liam.
The injustice of it all left me reeling.
The moment I fell into my apartment, I collapsed onto the couch once more and sobbed.
She was stupid, stupid, stupid, but so was I.
Who did I think I was, getting caught up in some fairytale, with some butch knight to sweep me off my feet?
Instead, Alex was the princess who’d locked herself in a tower, leaving me with a broken heart.
“Terra, what’s wrong?!”
I looked up, startled to see Mom rushing toward me. “I didn’t know you were home,” I blubbered, but relief filled me when Mom embraced me there on the couch.
“Oh, hun.” Mom soothed gentle lines across my back with her fingertips as she cradled my head against her shoulder. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”
“Alex broke up with me,” I said, then added, “and please don’t give me an ‘I told you so’. She’s just…she’s stupid.”
“I would never. Why is she stupid?”
“She thinks she doesn’t deserve me. So she broke my heart instead.
” Sobs overcame me, but I managed to say more.
“But I’m stupid too. I thought, maybe, just maybe, someone could love me like El.
I know you hated her, but she hates herself a helluvalot more for all the same reasons.
And I guess she couldn’t love me more than she hated herself, so it’s over. ”
Mom was quiet for a moment, though the kind motions never ceased. “You keep using the word ‘love’. Did you love her?”
“I don’t know. It’s too soon. But I know that I could have, and that’s the hardest part.
I know we would’ve been happy, but she had to throw everything away.
I had hope, Mom. I haven’t had hope in years.
I thought I was too scared to ever be in a relationship with a woman again, but it was so easy with her.
I wasn’t afraid. I was on top of the world.
“And now it’s over,” I continued, some deep pustule having finally punctured. “I feel so helpless.”
Mom pulled me closer, cradling me like a toddler as she rocked me.
“You don’t have to give up and be afraid again.
You’re the strongest person I know. Just being alive after everything you’ve gone through means you’re strong.
You’re going to get through this, and you’re going to remember how she made you feel, okay?
Not this part, but how she made you feel brave. ”
I nodded in her arms.
“Here’s the plan,” Mom said. “You’re going to shower, because showering cures everything. You’re going to get cozy while I go get ice cream, and then we’ll spend the night in, okay? We’ll watch a movie you hate and make fun of it the whole time. Sound good?”
I managed a small smile. “Yeah. Thanks, Mom.”
She let me go, and I grabbed my purse and managed to stumble away.
In the bathroom, as I stripped out of my work clothes, my phone screen lit up. One unread message.
I dove for it, heart leaping like an idiot. Not Alex. But not Cliff. Some other regrettable one-night stand. At least it was a name I’d saved, even if I didn’t remember how I knew him.
Heyy T. Got dumped. Whatcha doing tonight?
I stared at the message for a moment, feeling disgust, pain….
But not fear.
“You’re going to remember how she made you feel, okay?”
Blocked. Deleted.
Amid my despair, I felt a little lighter.