Chapter 39 Noel
Noel
“Would ‘sorry’ have made any difference? Does it ever? It’s just a word. One word against a thousand actions.” - Sarah Ockler, Bittersweet
Sober and feeling like shit, I fisted my hand and pounded on Aspen’s door. She didn’t open it until about thirty seconds after I started shouting her name at the top of my lungs.
As soon as the dead bolt sounded and it cracked open, I set my palm on the surface and started to push...until the chain caught. Glaring at it, I lifted an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Stop pounding on my door or I’ll call the police.”
I pressed my forehead against cool wood so I could see her through the small slit and wedged my fingers into the gap. Risky move, but I knew she wouldn’t smash my digits. My dick might be another matter, but my fingers seemed relatively safe. I hoped.
“Please. I just came to apologize. I’m sober now, I swear.”
“You could apologize out there just as well as you could in here.”
But I wanted to be in there. “Aspen,” I choked out, dying a little from her rejection. My eyelids squeezed together. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Let me in. Just let me in.”
She gave a surrendering sigh. To me, it sounded like the creaking of the pearly gates as they opened to allow me entrance into Heaven. “Get your fingers out of the way, so I can unlock the dead bolt.”
I opened my eyes to consider her. She could be lying, but I decided to chance it.
“I trust you,” I whispered before I slowly slid my hand free.
The door immediately popped shut. I swallowed, fearing that was it. I was forever forbidden entrance into her home. A second passed, and I just stood there, terrified, and not sure what to do with myself now, because everything I wanted was on the other side of that door.
Then the chain rattled and my heart lurched with shock and elation.
Grabbing the handle, I turned and bulldozed my way inside.
“Hey—”
She could scowl at me in disapproval all she wanted, but I was inside. With her.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I caught her by the back of the neck to yank her against me. She didn’t get out much more than a surprised squeak before my mouth covered hers and my tongue dove deep.
One thing she’d never been able to deny me was a kiss.
As I plundered, she crawled up me, clinging and digging her fingers into my hair as her nails gripped my scalp.
It felt so fucking good, I slung my arm around her waist and picked her up.
And as naturally as breathing, she wrapped her legs around my hips.
Anchoring her higher than me so that we had to change positions and she was the one tipping her face down, I lifted my chin to keep my mouth fused to hers.
For now, that was my main goal. As soon as our lips lost contact with each other, she’d start in.
She’d try to push me away. But I wouldn’t let that happen.
I spun us until I propped her spine against the wall and there I dry humped her through our clothes. The warmth between her legs spread through all the layers of cloth and hugged my dick with a dirty tease. When she whimpered and ground back against me, I groaned.
Her head slammed back, making me lose contact with her lips.
“Stop,” she breathed, even as her body rubbed against mine.
“Never.” I kissed her throat and peeled down the collar of her shirt.
She shoved at my shoulder, but I kept licking and nibbling, determined to change her mind.
“Noel. I said stop.” When she sucked in a breath, I glanced up. She’d closed her eyes and was biting her bottom lip. I knew her release was coming, so I pushed my hips harder against her, knowing I was hitting her sweet spot, dead on target. In mere seconds, she’d be breaking apart in my arms.
“No,” she moaned, even as she started to come.
“Yes,” I hissed right back, watching her face as she fell apart in my arms. She fought it, thrashing her head back and forth.
But I could tell just how hard it hit her when she cried out and strained against me, seeking what she knew I could give her.
She took it all, and was left panting and limp when she came back down from her peak.
Finally cracking her lashes open, she gazed at me from glassy, dazed eyes.
“You. Are. Mine,” I told her. “I don’t care how many times you break up with me or how many other men you try to take on a date.
I don’t care how wrong we are for each other.
I don’t care that I’ll never be good enough for you or that we’re risking everything to be together.
Your mother would never approve. Whatever.
Fuck it all. You are fucking mine. And I’m yours. And we belong together.”
“No,” she whispered.
“Damn it.” Fisting my hand, I pounded the wall next to us. “Yes!”
She jumped, and a tear slid down her cheek. “Noel, stop. Please. Stop. I don’t want this. I don’t want this.”
She wasn’t shoving at my shoulders anymore, but the glazed loss and defeat in her watery eyes undid me.
“Fuck,” I whispered. I stopped pinning her hips to the wall and pressed my forehead to hers.
She unwound her legs from me and touched her toes to the floor before sliding down, probably to escape me. But I went with her, keeping our brows pressed together. Once she was sitting and I was kneeling in front of her, she let out a small sob.
Jesus.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked. “Jesus, God, I’m so sorry.
I know I crossed the line. So many lines.
I know I went way past guy-fighting-for-his-girl and straight into harassment territory last night when I text bombed you, even though I’m still pissed at you for going anywhere with him.
How I responded was uncalled for and just..
.fucked up. And today in class. Today was even worse.
I know that. And then just now...” Cold hard dread settled in me as I realized what I’d actually done just now. “I forced you to—”
I couldn’t even admit it aloud. But oh, God. I was no better than Zach was. The very idea made me sick.
Scared as fuck of what I was capable of, I stumbled away from her.
She must’ve sensed how close I was to completely losing my shit, because she looked at me, and even with her lashes clogged with tears that I’d made fall, she still had the compassion to reassure me.
“You didn’t force me, Noel. Not at all.”
I still felt like shit, though. So, I bowed my head, trying to combat the nausea. It didn’t help matters when she added, “But I do need you to go.”
I winced. “I am more sorry than you can ever imagine. Aspen...please.”
She didn’t answer.
I wasn’t forgiven.
“Fuck,” I said a little louder this time.
When she sniffed and covered her mouth with her hands, I sat on my haunches to watch teardrop after teardrop stream down her face. I’d hurt her, and I hated that. She had every right to hurt me back, to never forgive me.
Realizing this was it; she wasn’t going to let me in again, I surged to my feet and grabbed my hair with both hands.
Deep in my chest, my soul disintegrated as I heaved in a choked gasp for breath. It might’ve sounded like a goddamn sob, but fuck. Whatever.
She watched me for a second before she hugged her folded legs, squeezed her eyes closed, and dug her face into her knees.
“Aspen.” When another pussy-sounding sob tore from me, I pressed my hand to my chest, trying to push everything back in.
But nothing worked. All the pain, and fear, and desperation of losing her spilled out.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I confessed, shaking my head back and forth.
“I don’t know how to give you up. I love you. ”
The features on her face fell. Hugging her ribs, she bowed her head and cried quietly. More lost than I’d ever felt in my life, I approached her slowly and gently set my hand on the top of her hair. When she trembled under the warmth of my palm, I knew there was only one thing left I could do.
I had to let go.
“Okay,” I said, my voice breaking and my chin wobbling. “Okay.” My fingers slid limply from her. My guts twisted as I wondered if that was the last time I’d ever touch her.
I wanted to fall to my knees and keep begging, but I’d already scared her enough. It took everything I had to turn away and walk to the front door.
When I opened it, I paused, giving her one last chance to call me back. When she said nothing, I murmured, “Take care of yourself,” and left.