11. Evermore
EVERMORE
Drie eyed Fisher warily, weighing his words. She was furious, even though she knew it was a cop-out. She knew that the anger was fueled by a bone-deep hurt, but it was easier to be angry. She welcomed it, pushing down the sorrows and letting her blood burn.
“You told me about your family, but do you have any idea why I never took you to see mine?”
Fisher straightened, surprised by the change in topic. He shrugged. “It crossed my mind, but I know they live a lot further away than my family does. And there weren’t that many opportunities.”
Drie had made eight trips home while they’d dated, not counting the day they had broken up, but she didn’t point that out.
“I didn’t take you home with me because my sisters love so hard.
I never went into much detail about how we all came together.
Mainly because the stories are awful.” She crossed her arms as she eyed him.
Drie hated dwelling on the past and the nightmares it contained, preferring to live in the present.
Which was the reason Fisher only knew the general details, such as the fact that she had four sisters, or that she’d been raised by her grandmother.
“We all share a birth mother who considers drugs the priority in her life,” she spoke quickly, ripping off the metaphorical Band-Aid.
“And as far as our fathers, Jeden’s died in the wreck that handicapped her, Sam’s is in prison, Nellie’s is absent, Rosy’s was a cruel, evil man, and mine…
Well, he just up and left. Woke up one day and decided he wanted more…
” than me. She trailed off, letting the words go unspoken.
Her eyes found his once more, crystals colliding with steel.
“But the disappointing circumstances with our parents only served to bring us closer. Grube and Jeden worked every day to give us a good life and a safe home. And since the one thing we all desired most was the one thing we were denied by the only two people who were supposed to give it unconditionally, we chose not to be like those who turned their backs on us. We chose to love freely, without reservations or judgments, and to share that love wherever there’s a space for it.
So I knew that if I took you home with me, my sisters would get attached.
And I knew it would break their hearts if we didn’t work out.
And now, I’m worried about the example I have to offer.
I don’t want to set a precedent that we settle for less.
That we need to beg to be loved in return. ”
Fisher’s eyes never left hers, his own blazing with the revelations she offered. “You never have before, and you never will. If anybody begs between the two of us, it will be me.”
Drie shook her head, frowning, “I don’t want that.
But I don’t trust this turnaround. It’s been more than a month.
A month since we broke up. And you’re saying you just had this realization this morning?
You’re a smart man. You can see how this looks.
” She waved a hand up and down. “It’s convenient.
You already asked me once to fake it. I think it’s as simple as the fact that you miss me and you want your friend back.
And I think you want it badly enough to try to convince me that you feel things you don’t.
Hell, you may have even deluded yourself.
But if I were to give in”—she paused—“I’m staring down the barrel of yet another broken heart.
And I’ll be honest, I don’t know if I have it in me.
Especially not when I have my sisters to consider as well. ”
“I’m not asking you to jump back into a relationship with me.
Though, don’t let me give you the wrong impression, that is my end goal.
But for now, I’d be happy if you just let me text you.
Or even share a breakfast? Maybe spend a little bit of time with me on a trial basis. Let me build some of that trust back?”
Drie had already told him before that she couldn’t be friends when she desired more. Did his saying the feelings were reciprocated make a difference? No, she thought, it still sucks.
Fisher must have read the expression on her face because he spoke up suddenly, anxiously.
“Don’t answer me now. I’m not asking for any effort on your end.
Right now, I’m just asking for you to unblock my number.
Not to write me out of your life completely.
That’s all. I’ll take it from there. And if you change your mind, you can just block me again. ”
“You’re not going to show up anywhere else randomly and make another scene?”
“Scout’s honor,” he raised his right hand. When Drie’s expression remained serious, he nodded. “I promise.”
“And if I go on a date? You won’t try to run them off?”
Fisher flexed his jaw, gritting out a stilted, “No.”
“You could also try going on a date…if you wanted.” She fought a frown, the words tasting bitter despite her resolve.
“Sure. That sounds like something I never, ever want to try. I’d rather staple my tongue to a city bus. But yeah, I hear you.”
Drie rolled her eyes. “What I’m saying is that if we talk, it does not mean we’re back together. We moved too quickly before. If there’s a chance for friendship here, it needs to be glacial.”
Fisher flinched at the word friendship, but recovered quickly. “You never rushed me, Drie. I was the one watching clocks. You were patient, and I can be patient too. However long you need. I will wait.”
She averted her gaze, unable to handle the earnest determination in his eyes. “I have a class soon.”
“I can walk y—”
“No.” She shook her head quickly, needing time to process the information overload.
He sighed, his expression understanding. “I should go, but it’s okay if I text you later?”
She slowly nodded once.
He smiled gently down at her. His head tilted in confusion when she raised her brows expectantly. What is he waiting for? Then his eyes widened comically as she indicated to his body, blocking the path, and he jumped to the side, out of her way. “Sorry.”
Drie eyed him a moment longer, his expression stoic as his warm steel eyes tracked her.
She was hit with a sharp pang of longing at his watchful gaze.
She missed what they’d been and wished they could turn back time.
She wished she could have picked up on the signs of his turmoil.
Wished he had made a better choice. Wished for clarity on whether she should’ve already cut him out of her life—or if there was a path back from their current situation.
Her anger was simmering, and she didn’t trust him any further than she could throw him, but her heart still ached. She grieved the past because she knew there was no returning to the bliss of how things had once been, no matter how their situation looked tomorrow.
So as Drie watched him walk off down the sidewalk, in the opposite direction through her rearview mirror, she struggled to make sense of the ebbing emotions—confusion, anger, sorrow, and longing—all present, but none taking the lead.
She once again craved the familiarity of her sisters, but rather than running away on an impromptu drive home, she dialed the voice of reason she needed most.
Jeden answered on the second ring, and Drie wasted no time, letting the whole sordid story spill. The scene in the library, Fisher’s awful proposal, the diner confrontation, the explanations he’d offered. It all came tumbling out in one long, emotional, run-on sentence.
“Would it be wrong of me to cut him out?” she asked finally, exhausted. “I don’t want to be in an on-and-off situation. I don’t want drama. But would walking away be the coward’s choice? To just write off the six months we spent together and move on? Does that make my love fickle?”
“Drie, listen to me. It is never the coward’s way out to put yourself first. If walking away would bring you peace, then walk away right now and don’t look back.
You don’t owe that man anything for six months.
You wouldn’t owe him a second chance even if you were together for six years.
Not even sixty years. Nobody deserves a second chance.
A second chance is a gift, and should be considered carefully because the giver is who carries the risk.
But…” Jeden paused, her voice hesitant. “I think the real question here is whether or not you’d regret walking away…
If you’d possibly regret not offering him that chance? ”
“I would. Regret it, that is,” Drie answered immediately, sighing.
“I hate the fact that I still love him. I know that we can never go back to how things were. He destroyed that for us. And I’m so mad at him.
But is it not weak of me to give him a second chance?
Especially after I told him to leave me alone?
Am I not just setting myself up for another heartbreak? ”
Jeden was quiet for a long moment as Drie pulled into a campus lot and parked. She lay her head down on the steering wheel and waited.
“Do you remember what you told me when I was in my sophomore year of college and hating every second of it? Hating my classes, hating the campus, hating being away from my restaurant?” The question must’ve been rhetorical because Jeden continued without pausing for an answer.
“You asked me why I couldn’t change my mind.
And up until that point, I’d never once considered the option of changing my mind.
I’d only considered enduring what was already in motion.
That conversation is what finally gave me the clarity I needed to drop out, to put all my efforts into the restaurant.
Do you think I made a mistake by changing my mind? ”
“Of course not, Jeden. The restaurant was your dream, and look at what you’ve turned it into all on your own.”
“I wouldn’t say I was on my own. I owe a lot of my success to our family.
But my point is that people make mistakes, and more importantly, people change.
Changing your mind doesn’t make you weak, and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
It means you have the ability to think critically, to analyze a situation, and to understand when a new course is best. I’d argue that changing your mind and taking a leap of faith could be the bravest option available.
” She paused, letting them both think for a moment.
“You said he apologized? And he meant it?”
“Yes, I believe he did.”
“In that case, even if you just want to see how things play out to have closure, to prevent the what-ifs from plaguing you, I don’t think it would be a bad idea to give him some time.
Take it slow. See what he does. There’s no reason to hurry.
It may not work, and that would suck, but at least you’ll know.
And, you know, it may possibly turn out better than you expect. ”
Drie smiled. “Thank you.”
“Evermore.” Drie could feel Jeden’s returning smile through the phone, quoting their family’s favorite word—a play on the poem “The Raven”—before they hung up.
They did agree with the raven in the poem; nevermore would they escape their past, nevermore would they leave behind the pain of their losses and the horrors of their memories.
They would never forget. And yet, they chose to focus on their futures.
Evermore would they remain hopeful, evermore would they have each other.
Her mind settled as her sister’s words calmed some of the turmoil in her heart, and Drie navigated to the contact she hadn’t touched in over a month. She loosened a sigh as she unblocked him, praying she wasn’t a fool.
Drie: Thank you for explaining.
A mere moment later, as she stepped into an ancient campus building, a text pinged with Fisher’s custom tone—the famous four claps from the Friends show.
Then it pinged again. And again. And again. She didn’t fight the clipped laugh that arose as she opened the messages.
Fisher: Hey!
Fisher: Thank you for unblocking
Fisher: And seriously, thank you for listening
Fisher: Sorry, I didn’t set out to blow up your messages
Fisher: Don’t block me again please
There was a long pause where the dots came up and disappeared, rose and fell, and then one last message pinged.
Fisher: I miss you