Chapter 46
Jalen’s body had settled into being, like the ocean after a storm. It was calm in its reawakening now. His bones were strong and fixed, his blood smoothly flowing and his heart and lungs working without conscious thought.
Ankou had told him he had a role to play, but what that role was, Jalen wasn’t sure yet. Surely it wasn’t to remain in the Otherworld for the rest of his life? He’d been made human again, so that must mean—
‘Are you sending me back?’
‘Is that what you want?’ Ankou asked, skeletal hand stroking the white hound’s ears.
The animal made a contented sound, then settled at his master’s feet with its black sibling.
Jalen glanced out the window at the rolling green of the Otherworld.
He’d been sitting in a comfortable armchair for hours, watching the view.
He couldn’t recall when Ankou had joined him.
‘It depends,’ Jalen answered slowly. ‘On why.’
‘There was a time when you provided guidance – assurance – to our Once and Future King,’ Ankou began.
Jalen’s laugh was harsh. ‘I’m not sure I’d call it that, not now.’
‘But it was,’ Ankou corrected. ‘Was it misguided? Sometimes, but I believe you were doing what you felt was right, and that is different to outright deception, Jalen.’
‘I wanted to help him,’ Jalen muttered.
‘And you did. Without you, Arthur would never have had the courage to leave Kernou. Without you, he’d never have known what it felt like to be loved or have had the confidence to accept the role he’d been chosen for,’ Ankou said.
Jalen looked at his hands. He wasn’t sure he’d done any of those things, besides love Arthur for who he was. That part was true. Ankou’s bony fingers curled around Jalen’s chin, tilting his face up. Jalen found himself staring into the fathomless black spaces where eyes should be.
‘Your remorse, your regret, is more important than you understand, Jalen,’ the God of the Otherworld said. ‘It is the thing that tips the scales.’
‘What do you mean?’ Jalen asked in a whisper.
‘They are human emotions, ones that cannot be felt unless someone is truly aware of the consequences of their actions,’ Ankou said. He released Jalen’s chin. ‘Would you care to weigh yourself?’
‘I…’ Jalen swallowed. He’d stood on Ankou’s scales once before, and his soul had been so out of balance, so broken with darkness, he’d chosen a life of eternal torment in the Pit.
He hadn’t been afraid then, believing it was what he deserved, but now he wanted to live.
He had something to lose. If he did this, and was found undeserving of life, would Ankou grant him a third chance at redemption?
‘It’s your choice, Jalen,’ the Old One told him.
But it wasn’t an easy one.
Choices themselves, Jalen decided, were something that could be measured, like consequences were.
He knew that doing good would not absolve him of the harm he had caused, to Arthur, to all of them, but he also knew that doing nothing meant he was taking the coward’s path.
It was one he had already walked, many years ago.
The choices he’d made in his first human life led him to take the lives of others for coin – for greed, for wanting to be more than what he was: a fisherman, a brother and a son.
There wasn’t anything wrong with wanting to be better – it was the manner in which Jalen went about it that made him a coward.
By choosing the Pit when given the chance, he’d proven himself a coward once more. By betraying Arthur, by not letting Arthur guide him – a coward, and if he chose to stay in the Otherworld, it would be cowardice in a different form.
Jalen would not make this choice without measuring its consequences. He sought out Ophine. Despite their fractious relationships, he valued the wraith’s opinions. He found them staring out the window, their eyes on the black river that cut through the otherwise lush landscape.
‘Ophine,’ Jalen began. ‘When your master first found you, were you given a choice for a new life?’
The wraith didn’t answer for a long moment. Jalen held his breath, certain he had caused offence, but Ophine nodded. ‘Yes. Remain as I was – unwanted for the imperfections my previous master had given me or find purpose in a new life and a new role.’
‘Was it an easy choice?’ Jalen asked.
‘No,’ the wraith said, surprising him. ‘When you’ve been told you’re nothing, that you’re unworthy of the very air you breathe, it is easy to believe it.
’ They turned to face Jalen. ‘Melodias was not kind to me. I didn’t know what kindness was, so when it was offered, I was unsure whether to accept it or not.
I was a monster. What right did I have to kindness? ’
‘You’re not a monster,’ Jalen said. ‘Moody, temperamental, mostly rude… but that doesn’t make you a monster.’ He paused, then sighed. ‘I should know.’
‘You’re not a monster either,’ Ophine said.
‘Annoying, broody, petulant – but that doesn’t make you a monster.
’ They hesitated, then, ‘Everyone has light and darkness within them. If there is one thing my master has taught me, it is that. It’s when our darkness outweighs our light that we become monsters. ’
‘What should I do?’ Jalen asked.
‘I cannot answer that for you,’ Ophine said. ‘If it’s the choice that concerns you, what do you have to gain by remaining here? What do you have to lose?’
‘I’ve already lost him.’
‘Don’t make slap you,’ Ophine warned – Jalen grinned. ‘If you leave, I won’t have to look at your sulking face anymore.’
‘Then to save you that suffering, perhaps I will go back,’ Jalen joked, but his stomach flipped and his humour faded. ‘If he’ll have me.’
Jalen stood before Ankou’s scales, staring at them. They were much like the brass scales he’d seen in the apothecary window in Kernou, except these were much larger, for they weighed something much more important than herbs and powders.
‘Do you wish to weigh yourself?’ Ankou stepped out from behind his scales.
Slowly, Jalen shook his head. ‘I don’t need to, not this time.
I know what I did. I know who I hurt and I know it will be his choice to accept me back or not.
And I will live with the consequences of that choice.
’ He took a deep breath. ‘My soul is still heavy but there is a weightlessness to it. I can see a possible future for myself – I don’t know what it shall be, but knowing it is there, waiting to unfold, is enough. ’
One of Ankou’s hounds bunted against Jalen’s hand. He looked down in surprise, not recalling the animal ever doing that before. It was the white hound, the hound of the soul’s light. Jalen swallowed, running his fingers over the dog’s head.
‘I wish to return to the human world,’ he said.
Jalen had ridden in the Bag Noz before, but it was a memory he couldn’t recall. Ophine hadn’t spoken to him but now, as the Night Boat passed through a curtain of soft mist and the coastline of Teyath rose from the ocean, they glanced at Jalen over their shoulder.
‘My master told me to take you wherever you wanted to go,’ they said, sounding as displeased as ever.
‘Take me to Arthur, or as close as you can,’ Jalen said.
By the time the Bag Noz bumped against the shore, Jalen had thought of a million things he could say to the man whose heart he’d ripped out, but in the end, it came down to two:
I’m sorry and let me serve you.
That, he’d decided on the journey, was what he’d been remade for, similar to how Niniane had crafted a purpose for him. But this time, Jalen was choosing the path for himself – for Arthur and the future of the world, and not because of an Old One’s schemes and selfish desires.
Before he climbed from the Night Boat, Ophine pulled a dagger from beneath the folds of their cloak. Wordlessly, they passed the weapon over.
Jalen looked at the wraith in surprise.
‘You’re human, remember? You bleed now and you can die.’
‘It sounds like you care what happens to me,’ Jalen quipped.
Ophine scowled. ‘Don’t lose my dagger. I’ll be taking that back some day. Now get out of my boat. Arthur is two days’ walk northwest. You’d better get moving.’
Jalen nodded and climbed out, boots sploshing in the water. By the time he turned back, Ophine and the Bag Noz were gone.