Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
As soon as I return to the living room, Jarvis corners me.
“What was that all about?”
“It was just a call from home.”
“Who was it?”
I’m tempted to lie again, but it’s harder when the person is right in front of you.
“It was Frankie.”
Jarvis frowns. “Why was he calling?”
“I guess because we caught up recently. He wants to see me again when I get home.”
“What? Are you planning on dating him again or something?”
“It’s none of your business.”
He looks more hurt than I expected. “Seriously? We shared a bed last night, but it’s none of my business if you’re about to start seeing another guy? Does he know you’re here with me in Scotland?”
“I know you’re not concerned about Frankie’s feelings, and nothing happened last night. We shared a bed. People share a bed all the time.”
“I didn’t think you were that cold.”
“Oh, come on. If there’s something you want to say, just say it.”
“No, it’s fine. If that’s how you really feel, I’ll have to reconcile you’re not the person I thought you were.”
“And what about you? You’ve always hidden a part of yourself, but you’re too scared to be honest with me. Remember, that’s what broke us up.”
He drops his head into his hands. “You’re right. It was my fault.”
“Then why don’t you come clean now?”
“I can’t.”
He sounds so defeated that a wave of guilt washes over me. Which isn’t fair.
“I’m not doing this again. If you can’t communicate honestly, I’m not staying here with you.” I start to collect my things. “I’m going to find a hotel like I should have yesterday. I’ll be back on Sunday to set up the afternoon tea with Ginny.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be harsh just now. Please don’t leave.”
“Are you going to tell me what’s really going on?”
He doesn’t respond.
“I thought so.”
I finish packing and drag my suitcase to the door. I refuse to look at Jarvis, because I know the expression I’ll see on his face, and I know it will destroy me like it did while we were married.
I leave, walking down the driveway to the main road. I should have called a taxi in advance, but I don’t mind waiting on the street.
Jarvis doesn’t follow me, which is typical of him.
I can’t believe I’ve fallen into this pattern again.
Will I never learn?
***
I check into a small motel not far from the castle and collapse on the bed.
This feeling is all too familiar: the hollow pit in my stomach and the destruction of my emotional equilibrium.
But this time, it somehow feels worse. Maybe it’s because I’m no longer bound by marriage to stay. I willingly re-entered Jarvis’s world when I should have just paid the six hundred dollars and gotten a legal document drawn up the day after I found out about the inheritance.
At least being away from the castle allows me to take back a little control. I’ll even see if I can change my seat on the plane on the way home. That way, I’ll only have to interact with Jarvis on Sunday—and there will be other people around—so I won’t have to be alone with him again.
Ah. That definitely feels better.
Then I start thinking about Frankie.
I don’t know why I couldn’t just let sleeping dogs lie.
He should have stayed a memory. Which is kind of weird since he’s done nothing wrong, and in fact, has done everything right since we’ve been back in touch.
But then, has he really? His personality is kind of intense, and I’m not sure how normal it is to suggest moving close to your ex-wife after one face-to-face visit in over twenty years.
I feel bad that I’ve gotten his hopes up. I’ll have to talk to him when I get home.
I suddenly need to get out of this room. I’ll drive myself crazy otherwise.
Out on the street, I see a bunch of low-set shops nearby, so I cross over and head into a small food market.
I’m not sure I’ll feel like going out for dinner, and my room has a kitchenette, so I should get something to cook later.
I’m still full from breakfast, so I probably won’t eat much for lunch.
I trawl the aisles with a basket and pick up some crackers and cheese to snack on if I get peckish, and some soup and bread to make later.
I carry my basket to the checkout and start when I see Ginny in front of me. Part of me wants to pretend I haven’t noticed her because I don’t want to talk about Jarvis, but I quite like her warm energy, and she doesn’t deserve me being rude.
“Hi,” I say awkwardly as I start unloading my stuff behind her.
She turns. “Oh, hi. I was just getting a few things for Sunday.” She sees my items. “Was there not enough food at the castle? You should have told me, and I could have bought more.”
“No, no. There’s plenty at the castle. I just… I needed some space, so I’m staying at the motel across the road.”
“Ah.” She doesn’t say anything for a moment and waits for the supermarket attendant to finish packing her groceries. After putting them into a trolley, she waits for me to pay for my stuff.
“You don’t have to hang around if you’re busy,” I say.
“I’m not busy,” she replies. “And it’s cold enough I can leave the refrigerated items in the car for half an hour. Would you like to grab a cup of tea at the café next door?”
I must look like I really need a cup of tea, even though I was trying not to show my emotions. But as soon as she offers, I almost burst into tears. I don’t even care if she wants to talk about Jarvis now. I just need a familiar face. “That would be lovely.”
We walk outside, and Ginny loads her bags into her car. She then tilts her head at a rustic-looking café next to the market.
I follow her into the cosy interior, and we sit in the back corner. Ginny orders a pot of English Breakfast and some petits fours before focusing on me.
“It must be overwhelming, coming back to the location of your honeymoon with the man you’re no longer married to.”
“It is a bit,” I admit.
“Did you see Jarvis regularly after the divorce?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Ah. And then you’ve suddenly inherited a castle together. I know Florence wouldn’t have wanted to cause either of you any angst, so please don’t let it burden you. She just wanted to show her appreciation for the time you spent together.”
“But it was literally two days!” I point out.
“Time means nothing when you get older. And Jarvis maintained a relationship with Florence for all those years in between. I can’t say I’m privy to everything they talked about, but it sounded like Jarvis regretted the divorce and hoped you’d one day reconcile.
Florence probably hoped this trip would give you the opportunity to see if it was possible. ”
“I don’t think it is,” I say gloomily. “He still can’t be honest with me. Did Florence ever tell you what it was from Jarvis’s past that was hanging over his head?”
“No. She did say he mentioned something had been bothering him, but he never explained exactly what.”
“How long have you and Lee been married?” I ask.
“Thirty years. We actually both had partners before, but my ex was a violent alcoholic, and Lee’s cheated on him. It took a lot of work for us to learn how to trust again. But Lee is such a kind man. I couldn’t imagine ever not trusting him now.”
“What if he suddenly disappeared for several days every few months?”
“That would definitely be a problem. Is that what Jarvis did?”
I nod. “And he still won’t tell me what’s going on.”
“Well, then you did the right thing to leave the castle. If he can’t be an adult about the situation, let him wallow in his own pity.”
I laugh. “I kind of expected you to defend him.”
“Nope. Life’s too short to keep banging your head against a brick wall. Especially once you’re over forty—you start to understand your own needs better. Find someone who will treat you well.”
“Thanks, Ginny. I appreciate your no-nonsense approach.”
We drink our tea and nibble on the food in silence. Ginny seems content not to fill the space with small talk, and I appreciate the time to contemplate my next move.
Frankie might treat me well if I gave him another chance, but his attention was almost suffocating. And if Jarvis is going to keep behaving the same way as always, Ginny is right. Life is too short to willingly be unhappy.
Maybe I just need to move on from both men and start again.
But I’m not in a hurry.
My own company is more than enough for now.