Chapter Six #2
“Yeah, why not? I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise.”
“I suppose not,” I said quietly, pushing my glasses up my nose as I tried to hide my embarrassment at asking such a silly question.
“Watched any good, weird documentaries lately?” Milo asked, handing me a spoon while the kettle boiled, gesturing at me to choose an ice cream.
I hesitated for a moment over which to choose, then picked the cinnamon and white chocolate, because it sounded like an interesting combination, and I loved anything cinnamon flavoured or scented, as long as it wasn’t too artificial.
“Not really.” I shuffled awkwardly in place. Was what I watched really that weird? Should I not have told Milo about them?
“Really? I’d have thought you’d be all over that new one on Netflix. About the… oh, er, shit… the ship in… fuck, I can’t even remember now. But that one!”
I knew exactly which one he was talking about because I’d already watched it. “Oh, yes… I know the one you mean.”
“Right? You seriously haven’t watched it? Are you saving it or something?” He sounded so shocked, confusion scrawled across his face.
“I did,” I said quietly, unable to meet his eyes. “But, er, well… sorry, I’m being ridiculous.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Liar.”
I sighed and frowned, anguish clawing at my chest. This was exactly what I’d wanted to avoid.
“I have rejection sensitivity disorder. It’s part of my ADHD.
And it means I get… sometimes I take things intensely personally when they’re not even about me.
And any kind of criticism or rejection hurts, like physically hurts my chest. And I know it’s ridiculous, okay?
I know it makes me intolerable to be around and completely messed up and weird and—”
“Hey, hey,” Milo said, putting his hand on my arm. His voice was gentle, soothing, like I was a spooked animal. I hadn’t even realised I’d raised my voice.
Shit, I really did ruin everything.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I get it. That shit hurts and I didn’t mean to upset you. Was it… what did I say?”
“The weird documentary thing. I wondered if that meant I was weird for watching them.” I sighed again, softer this time, and scrubbed my face again, dislodging my glasses.
“I know it’s absurd, and I’m fully aware I’m being irrational.
I try so hard to ignore it, because it’s something I just have to deal with, but sometimes it catches me by surprise.
And now you’re going to hate me and never want to be around me again. ”
“Bit of an exaggeration,” Milo said with a derisive snort, raising his eyebrow. “How about you let me decide for myself how I feel about you?”
“You can, but I’m just saving you some time.”
“Wow, okay.” He chuckled and shook his head, taking the ice cream tub out of my hand and put it on the counter.
Then he put his hands on either side of my face, and I was too shocked to respond.
The only thing I could think about was that his hands were cold.
And this close, his eyes were beautiful.
“I like you, Rupert, okay? Yeah, you’re a bit uptight and up yourself, but I kinda like that.
You fascinate me, which probably sounds fucking weird but I like weird.
And I’m just as absurd as you, do you want a fucking list?
So, let’s not jump to the end of the world.
Let’s have some ice cream and a cup of tea and watch this fucked-up ship documentary, and you can tell me all your thoughts about it. ”
“You… that… are you sure?” I couldn’t do anything but stare at him. Mostly because Milo still had a hold of my face. But I’d never had anyone say anything like that to me.
“Yeah, I am. Trust me, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to hang out with you. I’m an arsehole, but I’m not that mean. And you already know I’m not good at hiding my feelings. Remember the first time you annoyed me?”
I chuckled softly. “The boundary markings. Oh, I was so cross about those!”
“I’m aware. So was Darcy.” He grinned. He was still holding my face. I almost didn’t want him to let go.
“Poor Darcy.”
“Eh, he’s fine. He’s got a hot boyfriend now to make everything better.”
“That always helps,” I said, a nervous smile on my lips. I didn’t tell many people I was queer. Mostly because I didn’t know people to tell them in the first place.
“Right? God, what I wouldn’t give to get laid again,” he said with an exaggerated groan of distress, finally letting go of my face and reaching for the abandoned ice cream. “I fucking love my job, but it is not good for finding hook-ups. Or giving me time to get to them.”
“Well, maybe this winter,” I said as I took the tub from him. There were a lot of thoughts suddenly bubbling to the surface in my mind, and I was very glad Milo couldn’t read them.
“Maybe. But there will also be a distinct lack of hot tourists, and I’m not sure how many other hot queer guys there are available here.”
Me, I thought. There was always me.
You could ask me.
“You don’t know anyone, do you?” Milo asked casually. “Or fancy the occasional shag? I promise I’m a good lay. I’ll get references if you need them.”
“Er… I…”
“Don’t worry, I’m only teasing,” he said with a wink. “Come on, let’s make some tea. Then you can show me this fucked-up ship stuff!”
“Okay,” I said, my arms moving slowly, like I was dragging them through treacle. My mind was spinning and the only thing I could think about was how I wanted to answer his question.
Yes.