Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
S ix weeks later, Grace could only think back on her reasoning to give this relationship a try on Xavier's terms and imagine she must have been completely blinded by sexual gratification, because whatever the hell was going on right now was nothing close to anything she wanted in her life.
Okay, so the sex was phenomenal, and Xavier took her to heights of satisfaction she hadn't believed could exist even within a kink relationship.
It would be true to say that, on a physical level, the two of them were so well matched it was hard to imagine things weren't perfect.
As a sadist, Xavier was the flawless foil for her own masochistic needs. He was diabolically clever and imaginative and never failed to come up with new ways to make her squirm.
On an emotional level, however, things couldn't be more different.
Grace had tried to be patient, telling herself it was still early days and they had barely had time to settle into any kind of routine on which to build.
But the truth was, the longer this farce continued, the further removed she felt from the budding relationship she'd felt so enthusiastic about in the beginning.
Tonight was a club night, and Grace had come in early, hoping that the ambience and the environment would help soothe her frayed nerves and tattered spirits.
She rarely drank when she knew she was going to scene. She preferred to keep a clear head and didn't want the pain she so craved to be blunted by the effects of alcohol. Besides, a good scene with a sadist usually did far more to satisfy and relax her than anything she might imbibe.
But tonight, she needed a drink…and didn't that say it all?
With a glass of wine in one hand, Grace adjusted the wristband that proclaimed to the world—as per club rules—that she'd been served one of her two-glass limit on alcohol, with the other. Then she made her way to a table which seated a couple of the other subs she had become friendly with during the past few months, happy for the opportunity to sit and chat.
"Hi, Gem, come and join us for a while," offered Serenity, wife of Master Baku, the Shibari expert.
Grace smiled back at the woman, who was just a few years her junior, but couldn't help the pang of jealousy she felt as her gaze was inevitably caught by the slight, telltale swell of her tummy.
"Thank you, Serenity," Grace accepted. The name suited her, the woman really was calm and serene by nature. Exactly what Grace needed right now.
"Oh dear, you really don't look very enthusiastic tonight. Is everything alright?"
Next to her, Trinity, was on a rare break. "How are things between you and Master X? I heard you'd agreed to a 24/7 relationship with him." The tiny pixie-like woman looked around expectantly. "Although I don't see him anywhere."
"I arrived early," Grace confirmed. "I thought the atmosphere here at the club would help settle me."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Trinity said contritely, raising her hands in supplication. "I'm obviously mistaken about the M/s relationship. I do apologise," she said sincerely.
Grace waved the apology away. "No, you heard right, but we certainly don't live in each other's pockets."
"Master X and Gem have a remote 24/7 relationship," Serenity offered by way of an explanation, flicking her deep titian hair back across her shoulder.
Trinity frowned. "Oh, yes, I remember now. He did something similar with Fluff for a little while. How do you make that work, exactly?" she asked, tilting her head full of spikey, poppy red hair to one side.
"With more damn patience and skill than I obviously have!" Grace couldn't help retorting as she took an unladylike slug of her wine before slamming the glass forcefully back onto the table.
The two other subs looked at her with matching sets of wide, startled eyes.
Grace sighed. "Sorry, I guess I'm a little more uptight than I thought."
"I take it things aren't going so well?" Serenity asked tentatively, giving Grace an encouraging smile. I'm always here if you need to talk, you know."
"Me too," Trinity chipped in. "And believe me, Serenity and I both know, first-hand, just how difficult relationships can be. Especially new ones."
"Thanks." Grace smiled at the genuine care she felt from the other women. "But I didn't come here to bring everyone else down with my woes." She exhaled audibly as she blotted at the sloshed wine with a paper napkin.
"On the contrary Gem, getting everything off your chest and getting another opinion on whatever is going on can be a great help in allowing you to see things with a fresh set of eyes. Sometimes that's all the help you need to enable you to see just what things need to change."
Grace snorted inelegantly and shook her head. "God! Right now, I'm wondering what doesn't need to change! I'm not sure I even know where to start."
"You've always seemed so well suited," observed Trinity with honest speculation. "Surely, there's nothing wrong with your kink compatibility?"
"No, I can't deny that if sex was all there was to it, then there'd be no problem whatsoever," Grace admitted, flopping back on the comfy padded armchair in a slump.
"Ah, well, that's a positive start, surely. Kink and sex are important components in our kind of lifestyle."
"I don't disagree, but they're not the only things." She straightened slightly and crossed her legs in an effort to appear less boorish.
"So I'm guessing that maybe the Master/slave dynamic isn't working for you then?" queried Serenity, watching her intently. "Is there something in particular, or is it the whole thing in general?"
Grace pondered the question, biting absently on her bottom lip as she did so. "I guess part of the problem is I actually feel more distanced from Xavi since we entered this aspect of our relationship than I did beforehand."
"You were expecting it to bring you closer together," Trinity observed. It wasn't really a question, but Grace answered anyway.
"Of course, I did. Wouldn't you have had the same expectation from that kind of dynamic? Surely, there can't be anything that implies closeness as much as an M/s relationship, where the whole ethos revolves around one person being completely cared for by the other?"
"I agree." Serenity nodded with a gentle contemplation. "That would be my understanding too."
Trinity frowned again. "I hear what you're saying, but I guess that's what I meant when I asked how you made it work, since you're not living together. Is that why you're having issues with it yourself?" she asked frankly, leaning forward with her elbows on the table in genuine interest.
"I don't know, to be honest. Maybe that's part of it. But really, I'm not sure I'm cut out to mindlessly follow somebody else's dictates."
Grace leaned back, slightly uncomfortable with the attention, and rested her neck against the back of the chair, staring sightlessly up at the ceiling as if it held all the answers in the universe, before sitting up and facing the two women again.
"I certainly don't think I've discovered anything worthwhile during this whole process. In fact, if anything, I feel like I've lost more than I've gained," she grumbled, picking up the crumpled napkin and scrubbing it distractedly against the tabletop.
"Xavier seems more distant. The times we spend together are far more regimented. There no longer seems to be any room for anything spontaneous or impulsive." Grace threw down the ruined tissue and flopped back again, plucking at her bottom lip, oblivious to the noise around her, the sights and sounds and smells of the club, her consciousness mired deep within her swirling thoughts.
"It's like I've swapped what I believed was a budding, good humoured relationship for something staid and stern, where all I get out of it is someone telling me what to wear and when to eat."
"So I take it you're not a fan of accountability and punishment then," Trinity interjected drily as she cocked an eyebrow in what might almost have been amusement.
"Oh come on!" Grace retorted, slapping a hand down onto the leather of the curved bench seat. "Like there can really be any kind of accountability… well, unless I'm going to be accountable to myself, and that is pretty much what it boils down to. And I’ve been doing that my whole life!"
She scowled fiercely. "Xavier isn't around to evaluate my actions…or lack of them. The truth is he doesn't know if I eat the healthy diet he tells me to, or if I lunch at the time I'm supposed to. He has no way of knowing if I've actually worn the clothes he's chosen for me or something completely different. He can't even tell if I've gone to bed at the specified time. Because he's not there!"
Grace swivelled her head sharply and looked from one woman to the other. "I mean, what exactly am I supposed to be getting out of this? Because I can tell you with absolute certainty the only incentive I have to do any of this stuff is a somewhat jaded desire for Xavier to be happy. And believe me, that's waning at one heck of a rate!"
"Have you spoken to him about how you feel?" Serenity interjected calmly. "One of the things both Trinity and my husband drummed into me, is the importance of clear communication, and I have come to learn how very true that is through my own experiences."
Beside her, Trinity nodded in contemplation, adding her own quiet agreement to the redhead's words.
Grace sighed and the anger seemed to deflate right out of her. "You're right, of course. I do know that. But I've been putting it off in an attempt to settle into things, thinking they might improve with time. I didn't want it to seem like I was complaining about everything before I'd even given it a chance."
"Well, that's a worthy philosophy, but I think you can safely say that you've done that at this point. He's not going to know there's a problem unless you tell him."
"And here I thought these almighty Doms were always supposed to be able to tell when their subs were unhappy," Grace retorted sarcastically.
Trinity laughed out loud, and even Serenity grinned.
"He may well know there's something wrong and have an idea you're not completely happy," Trinity agreed. "But that's still not going to supply him with the specifics. He's not a mind reader, you know. None of them are, regardless of what they might like us to think. Which means the onus is on you to tell him."
"I do need to talk to him," Grace accepted graciously, blinking against the unexpected sting she felt behind her eyes. "And I will…if I can ever find the time to sit down face to face and actually have that conversation. I mean, seriously, I'm not even sure what Xavier's getting out of this relationship as it stands. He says he doesn't have time for a conventional relationship with his job and his additional commitments to the A&E department."
Grace let out a throaty noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl. "And that's a damn joke as well. I mean, he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart in an effort to give back to the community, but I swear, they're taking advantage instead of making any real effort to fill their staff vacancies. He's there every single week, usually more than once, and that's after he's put in a full day at his practice, or on his days off, never mind his research hours…but I'm going off on a tangent here. That's not relevant. Well, it kind of is, but I'm getting off track."
Grace took a breath and reached for her wine again, sipping far more demurely this time.
"Anyway, my point is he really doesn't have much time, and he never will unless he puts his foot down at the hospital. And yet on top of all of that, he's pursuing the relationship between us in a way which, if anything, is actually more time consuming."
"How do you mean?" Trinity queried with a frown.
"Well, since we're not living together, he has to make time in an already busy schedule to come to my house, choose what clothes I wear, deliver any punishments—all the stuff you'd expect," she explained.
"But it's often late, just before bedtime, in fact, so he refuses to let me cook for him, because he says I should eat earlier in the evening, and I'm telling you, he should be taking his own damn advice there," she huffed indignantly, with a pointed look at them both.
"So then, when he's finished with me - not that he's usually got much energy for anything - he has to drive himself home and cook his own dinner before collapsing into bed and doing it all over again the next day."
"You're worried about him," Trinity observed with an understanding nod.
"Yes, of course, I am," Grace agreed. "The only time off he seems to get is when he's arranged to come here, and while that might be a stress reliever, it's not exactly the most relaxing pastime. Most of the time, he's shattered, and I don't think he can carry on the way he is without experiencing some kind of burnout." Grace blew out a breath and shook her head sadly. "And yet the relationship we have now is just adding to the pressure, rather than relieving any of it."
"I see what you mean," Serenity contemplated, nodding slowly.
"At least if I was a proper slave, I'd get to look after him and make things a little easier for him. The way things are, at the moment, I don't even get the satisfaction of doing those few little things that might make his day easier."
"Talk to him," Trinity advised as the man himself walked into the dungeon where they were all sitting, looking as tired and drawn as Grace had implied.
Yes, she would talk to him, Grace promised herself as pleasure lit up his face momentarily when he saw her.
The question was, did she have the heart to do it right now, when she knew just how desperately he needed the R&R?