Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
T he overwhelming degree of guilt she felt put Grace on the defensive. She knew Xavier's anger and disillusionment was justified, but the disappointment that stared back at her from within those dark eyes, the sadness with which they judged her—accurate or not—immediately got her back up.
Sod it! She wanted things too! Okay, so she might not have been quite so honest and upfront about them, but that didn't make them any less real, any less coveted.
She had her own dreams, and she wasn't going to get them by sitting back and hoping they conveniently fell into her lap. She also wasn't going to get them by playing a second fiddle slave to a part time Master. Xavier just wanted all of the pros without any of the inconvenience and upheaval of having another person disturb his comfy little life.
"How dare you say those things to me!" Grace yelled back at him when she finally found her voice again.
A good dose of righteous indignation had pooled in her gut as the guilt crippling her was doused under the deluge of resentment his scathing words had unleashed.
"The bottom line is I am simply not comfortable with being any man's slave," she retorted bluntly, metaphorically throwing her cards on the table. "It goes against every principle I live my life by." She couldn't get any plainer than that.
Xavier frowned as if he were genuinely perplexed, but at least he seemed to be listening… Until his next words lit the fuse on the temper she’d been desperately trying to keep in check, in an effort to avoid flying off the handle and saying something she might regret. The kind of things a couple could never come back from.
"I know you're a human rights lawyer, Grace, but you're intelligent enough to know that a D/s Master/slave relationship is not of the same ilk as those cases you prosecute."
Even his imploring tone didn't calm her ire.
Instead, she planted her feet right in front of his intimidating form and thrust out her hand, palm forward, like she was stopping traffic.
"Stop right there, Xavi!" she shouted, her bitterness evident. "Don't you dare patronise me like that. I do know there's a difference, and I do understand what those differences are, but knowing that does not, and never will, mean that I want to be a part of such a lifestyle. And that has nothing to do with my profession and everything to do with my personal ideology and the choices I make for myself." Her voice had risen with every word that fell out of her mouth, and now she was on a roll.
"The bottom line is that I don't want to be a slave. I don't want to be in a full-time M/s relationship. I was open minded enough to give it a try, at your insistence. I did that because I felt that we had enough going for us, enough chemistry and strong enough feelings for each other, to make that compromise and try things your way."
Grace made a vain attempt to explain herself, but the frustration she’d been feeling over the past few weeks was rapidly overtaking her good sense, and although she knew she was being slightly unfair, since she'd never had the opportunity to discuss her misgivings with him properly, the spew of venting words wouldn't stop.
"But now that we've given it a go, I'm telling you, without the slightest doubt or hesitation, that it's not for me. I've tried it. I didn't like it. I'm not going to 'grow into it', or 'get used to it'."
She threw his air quotes back at him as she paused from the jerky pacing she had resorted to, to fling the finger motion his way, but never stopped in her tirade.
"In fact, the longer it's gone on, the more it's chafed and the more I've hated it," she hurled at him, no longer bothering to pull her verbal punches.
"Especially since you don't want a slave who lives with you! How can that even work long-term, huh? It's like you want all of the control but only a part of the commitment."
She knew the barb had hit home when she saw him wince, but she carried on regardless.
"Who knows, perhaps it might have worked out if I actually got to spend any time with you, but your ideal is just to dole out orders from the end of a phone or in a text message. Your damn slave doesn't even get the satisfaction of being with you to know she's pleased you, and you're not on hand to provide punishment if she doesn't."
The words kept coming, blistering and blaming in their intensity.
"How can that kind of relationship ever be successful? What does your slave actually get out of the situation? Have you ever thought of that, Xavi?"
Grace allowed the growl of frustration that had been building in her chest to escape while she paced across the room. Swinging back to where he stood staring at her, open-mouthed, Grace purged the rest of it out of her system.
"Yes, I admit I had reservations even before we started, and I didn't have any first-hand experience of that kind of lifestyle before this, but still, I tried it for you. I compromised for you, but now the ball is back in your court, that compromise isn't looking like much of a two-way street…"
Xavier tried to get out the words to argue that she hadn't yet suggested any compromises, but Grace was like a steamroller and just kept on going.
"…and if you're not going to bother trying to make any compromises in return and are only interested in having things your own way, then I'm afraid we've come to the end of the road."
"You don't mean that!" Xavier whispered, paling despite his olive skin tone, but he didn't manage to get anything else out.
"Actually, I do," Grace retorted, on a roll now that she had finally built up the courage to say what she really felt. Sometimes a person just had to know when to throw in the towel, regardless of how much they yearned to hold on to something.
And that time had come.
Her eyes burned as tears prickled behind her eyelids, but Grace stood firm, despite the urge to give in to the love she felt for Xavier and capitulate to his desires. She had to, because they weren't her own. They weren't even close, and this was probably the only time she was ever going to put her own needs out there.
Taking a bracing breath and drawing her hands into fists, Grace squared her shoulders and let the truth come tumbling out. "I want children, Xavier. I would like to find a man to give me those children, but I no longer have time on my side," she finally revealed on a sharp exhale of breath.
It felt good to finally say it, and she rushed on, desperate to finish in case he tried to shut her down. "I made the decision, a long time ago, that I would visit the sperm bank and find a donor if I wasn't in a conducive relationship by the time I hit my fortieth birthday. That has always been my deadline, and now that time is here."
She took another, shakier breath and her heart wrenched painfully as she prepared to break the tether which tied them together. "It's not the same for a man, so I don't expect you to understand." She couldn't keep the tremor from finding its way into her voice and was aware how it quavered, but she soldiered on regardless. "You don't have an expiration date like I do. You can wait ten years, even twenty, and still father children of your own, but I don't have that luxury. Even if I wanted to rely on IVF to have children at an older age, I need to be young enough to enjoy them, to keep up with them. I'm already old enough to be a grandmother, Xavier, and as a doctor, you of all people, must understand the truth of what I'm saying."
This time, her breath stuttered as she drew it in, and one of the tears she'd been trying so desperately to blink away escaped and rolled down her cheek, and still, Xavier said nothing. He just looked at her with his brows knotted and an expression something akin to shock on his handsome face.
"My time is running out, from a medical standpoint. I'm sure you understand that better than most."
Grace prepared herself to say the hardest words of all. There was a niggle in the back of her mind that she’d overlooked something major, but she still needed to get the rest of the feelings she'd been hoarding unhealthily off of her chest. "The truth is the things that I want just don't gel with the things you want. I'm sorry for that, Xavi," she sobbed, unable to keep the hiccupping breath in any longer.
"Sorrier than you'll ever know, because I've come to love you and I wanted us to have so much more. But I can't be what you want me to be, because there's no room for a child in that relationship. And if I do things your way, I'll just turn into a bitter old lady. I'll end up resenting you for all the things I gave up to keep you happy, and that wouldn't be fair to either of us, so it's best to just end things now, while we can both still pursue the things we want from life."
That last barrage of words came out in a rush, falling over themselves and running together as Grace fought against her better judgement to set him free.
She dragged trembling fingers over her wet cheeks and slowly turned away. Xavi still hadn't said a word and she could tell her revelations had stunned him. Well, he knew now, and even though her heart felt like it was heavy enough to fall out of her chest and shatter on the cold, hard floor, Grace knew she was doing the right thing.
"I think you'd better leave now," she whispered brokenly as she made her way to the door to let him out. "Goodbye, Xavi," she choked out, without looking up at him.
She heard the rustle of fabric and felt the displacement of air, felt it pause momentarily as he moved past her, but she couldn't bear to watch him walk out of her home for the last time.
If there was a reply, she didn't hear it before she closed the door with a decisive click and ran to the comfort and privacy of her bedroom before the dam broke on her emotions.