Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“ S he's not here," the woman at the front reception insisted, once again, when Xavier tried for the second time to catch Grace at her place of work.
"Believe me, I'd tell you if she was. I don't play those kinds of games."
All Xavier wanted to do was talk to Grace, to let her know he was okay with trying something… well, pretty damn intrepid if he was honest with himself. And about as far out of his comfort zone as he was able to go. But he knew she was worth it.
Besides, even if he hadn't wanted to admit how much he mourned the loss of their connection, his subconscious had been drilling that message home.
He'd been lethargic and down. He couldn't sleep. Hell, he even longed to have her in his bed… even though he'd never wanted anyone to share it in the past.
Everything he thought he knew about himself had been turned on its head. Just that one short weekend of her being in his personal space had changed things. Okay, so maybe he'd had his head in the sand these past weeks, but now she was gone, he found himself yearning for her presence in his home. If he was honest with himself, he'd been feeling that way for some time, but while she’d still been his, he had managed to push those feelings aside and convince himself the relationship they'd had was enough, out of pure stubbornness. Now she was gone, they all came back full force, and he felt bereft.
He wanted to tell her how he felt. He wanted her to know he was willing to work at a more traditional relationship. One that united them as partners.
Oh, he wasn't completely sure about the whole baby thing. Not that he was opposed to it at all, he was surprised to find. He simply didn't feel like they'd known each other long enough to jump into something quite so permanently binding and unbreakable. And that had nothing to do with being selfish. Quite the opposite, in fact. It had more to do with his conviction that if he was ever party to bringing another being into this world, then he wanted the absolute clarity of knowing that child was born to a strong and healthy relationship with loving parents who would be there to support each other as well as their child.
He and Grace didn't have that…yet. But he thought it was possible they could. And he wasn't opposed to finding out whether there was a chance for them to get there.
He missed her so much. It felt as if an essential part of him had been taken away. He had feelings for her he'd never developed for any other woman. He wasn't yet sure if it was love, but the sentiment was strong enough he felt confident to at least try a more conventional relationship with her, and that was a pretty big thing for him.
The emotions felt like they were all but bursting out of him. He wanted to tell her that and explore it with her.
If he ever managed to see her.
In truth, he had never been opposed to discussing alternative relationship options with Grace. She had simply never given him the chance. She'd gotten defensive and made assumptions, none of which were accurate. But Xavier was convinced those were just sensitivities born of anger and frustration and declared when tiredness, antagonism and resentment had reduced both of them to hurling retaliatory hurts which they didn't necessarily mean.
The first time he’d come here looking for her, the day after their argument, she had refused to see him.
The wounds had been too fresh, he surmised, so Xavier had chosen to give her some space, a little time to calm down and be ready to listen, so they could talk like the rational adults they were.
But of course, none of that was ever going to happen if he couldn't find her.
His shoulders slumped and he sighed, turning away.
Taking a few steps, he looked back over his shoulder, his gaze inexplicably drawn to a window near the door.
That was when he felt it.
Like someone had just punched him in the gut, causing enough pain to double him over.
She was there, had been there all the time. She obviously just didn't want to see him.
Their eyes met and clung for several long seconds until Xavier wrenched his gaze away and forced himself to turn around and carry on walking as if his heart hadn't been wrenched out of his chest and hurled onto the ground then trampled into the dust along with that small kernel of hope.
She may not have said the actual words, but Grace had spoken to him loud and clear with her actions.
There was nothing left for him here, after all.