30. Chapter 26
Chapter 26
Isabella
N ikolai never drives slowly. He’s impatient. His eyes always dart around for signs of danger until he’s out of the car. Well, that’s usually the case, but on our way back from our date, he’s taking his sweet time. With one arm slung over the seat, he reaches around and pulls at the hair on the nape of my neck. He doesn’t look at me for the duration of the drive, but his fingers send tingling sensations scuttling down my spine.
“I thought you were desperate to take me home?”
My hands lay flat in my lap, smoothing over the fabric of the maroon dress.
“I’m never desperate.” His accent drapes around the words more than usual, and it turns me on more than I expect it to.
Despite everything we’ve done, the one thing we haven’t done is playing on my mind. I think I trust Nikolai, even if I don’t want to, and I definitely want to sleep in the same bed as him. It feels wrong to still have that separation between us, though I do like the idea that he can make any man in Righteous Cove cry like a child while I have him sleeping on the floor.
“Something funny?” His deep voice pulls me back to the waking world.
“Nothing.” The smirk stays on my lips, but he doesn’t see. Why isn’t he looking at me?
Nikolai pulls up the car at the edge of the mansion grounds, ceasing the engine in one smooth motion before stepping out.
“Nikolai, what are you doing? We’re not there yet?”
“Out.” He opens my door and his eyes finally meet mine.
I know from the look he’s giving me, this isn’t up for debate. My body brushes against his as I step out into the cold air. I let the touch linger until he draws closer. He shuts the car door, dragging his eyes over me before locking the car.
“You’re cold?”
“Does the shivering give it away?” I say sarcastically.
Nikolai drapes me in his winter coat, doing up the buttons until the luxury fur is nestled against my cheeks. “Better?” he asks with an arched eyebrow.
I nod my head, and he takes my hand in his. As we walk through the grounds of Sidorov Mansion, guilty thoughts waft their way into my head. I should tell him what I know, or at least bring up the conversation. That story is so personal to him, it would be like someone reading through your therapist’s notes. I don’t want him to feel betrayed.
We pass the old willow that always captures my attention when I go for my morning walk with Anton.
“You see that.” Nikolai points to the ancient tree and I nod, secretly self-satisfied that we were thinking in sync. “It’s been here since before this place was built.”
“I see Aleksander standing under it and smoking all the time.”
Something flickers through Nikolai’s face, but he gives nothing away. “Viktor’s mother loved this tree. She was always sitting by it when she was alive. She’s the reason for all the different flowers.” He gestures to the array of colourful flowers sprinkled through the grounds.
I’ve heard a lot about Viktor’s father, Ivan, but nothing about his mother. “Who was she?”
“Karina Sidorov. She kept this place together for a long time.” Nikolai’s jaw tenses and he sucks in a breath of cold air.
Questions about Karina Sidorov swirl in my head, but we’re intercepted by Adrienne as we enter the Mansion before I can ask them.
“Isabella! I need you later today.” Everything she says always sounds like an order.
“Oh?” Nikolai arches an eyebrow.
“You’ve been in this place for ages now and you’ve barely stepped foot in my kitchen.”
“I don’t want to get in the way!”
Every time I walk past the door to the kitchens smoke is billowing out, followed by chaotic shouting and an infuriated Adrienne.
“Nonsense. You’re never in the way. I’m baking, and you’re invited.”
I open my mouth to respond, but she’s turned and strode back into the Mansion before I can say anything. I guess she’s not used to anyone turning her down. When I look up at Nikolai, he has a grin on his lips.
“What?” I ask.
Nikolai glances at Adrienne as she disappears into a corridor, and then back at me. “Adrienne never lets anyone bake with her. It’s a real honour. She must like you.”
“Really? We’ve hardly spoken.” Despite barely knowing her, Adrienne’s approval makes my heart flutter.
“All the staff report back to her on everything. You might not know her, but she knows you.”
“Isn’t that dangerous? You know, having her know everything going on in this place?”
Nikolai ponders the thought for a moment. “It would be more dangerous if she didn’t.”
When I walked into Sidorov Mansion, I expected everyone to hate me. I’d been an outsider walking into the enemy camp, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Aside from Aleksander, everyone makes me feel like I’m welcome. It’s weird having a bunch of strangers accept you more than your actual family ever did.
Nikolai holds my hand as we ascend the grand staircase at the entrance of Sidorov Mansion together. We take a turn towards our room when Nikolai’s grip tightens. I look up at him, and the tension in his gaze makes me bristle. He pushes me up against the wall, trailing a finger along the curve of my cheekbone.
His gaze pins me before his lips crash into mine. My fingers dig into his thick, dark hair as his grip on my body tightens.
“I’ve been waiting to have you to myself all day.” He growls through kisses.
Before I can say another word, Nikolai has scooped me into his arms and is carrying me to our room. He kisses me as he kicks open the door. Soft light pours into the room through the partially opened curtains. He drops me onto the bed and my heart thunders in my chest like I’ve just walked onto the stage for the first time.
Nikolai stands in front of me, at the foot of the bed, his eyes telling me more than his words ever could. The hunger in him pauses as he looks deep into my eyes.
“Are you ready, princess?”
“For what?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
Nikolai’s deep green eyes trail down my body and then back up to my eyes, the suggestion so heavy in the air it might crash through the floorboards.
“Are you?” Why won’t my heart chill out? And why is it so damn hot in here? I rip off the heavy winter coat, but the heat I’m feeling is prickling up from under my skin.
My question registers, and something flickers through his eyes. Sometimes I think I know exactly what he’s thinking, other times I can’t see past the wall in his eyes. Slowly, with his eyes locked on mine, Nikolai pulls apart the buttons of his shirt. With each button, a fresh layer of scarred skin appears.
I’ve stolen glimpses of him topless before, but Nikolai has never shown me his body fully. He’s never offered that side of himself to me. His eyes shudder with a vulnerability I never expected to find in Nikolai Ilyin. Then, I look down.
Every inch of him from the neck down is covered in scars and burn marks. His chest is the most scarred, it’s almost like seeing a figurine of a muscular man that’s been carved apart. I shuffle to the edge of the bed and get up onto my knees, so my eyes are level with his chest. His breathing is slow; the rising and falling of his chest is so much calmer than the pounding of my heart in mine.
I reach out, tenderly placing my fingertips on his tortured skin. Nikolai shudders at my touch, releasing a breath from deep within his soul.
How could someone do this to another human being?
I trace my fingers along the grooves of his scars, from the centre of his chest to the muscular dips of his hips.
“Do they still hurt?” I ask, keeping my eyes locked on the maze of scars in front of me.
“No.” His hands find my cheeks and hide away in my thick hair. He massages my scalp, pulling me ever so slightly closer. “Sometimes I feel a ghost pain. As if it’s happening again, but that has nothing to do with when someone touches them.”
His voice is softer than usual, more considered. I lay my head against his chest, wrapping my arms around his torso. He’s so warm. Despite the calm breathing, his heart is beating as hard as mine.
“Are you nervous?” I ask, drawing back to grin up at him.
“You know, physiologically, anxiety and excitement are almost the same feeling.”
“Which are you now?”
His hands cup my chin and draw me into a soft, deep kiss. The kind of kiss that promises more than the moment, but a future you can lose yourself in. The kind of kiss you replay in your head at night when you wonder if he’s thinking of you as much as you are of him.
He scoops me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me with so much passion I think my heart might break through my ribs. Nikolai’s hand trails down my body, from my swelling breasts to my exposed thigh. His fingers dance across my bare skin until they find my exposed lips. I shiver as he brushes against my wetness.
“This is why you’re not allowed to wear panties.” He chuckles between kisses.
His fingers rub at my lips, teasing me, building up the anticipation stalking through my body.
This is the moment of no return. I should tell him I know about his scars now. I don’t want to do this with a secret hovering over me. The sweet sensation of Nikolai’s soft lips chase away that voice before it can take over.
Nikolai pulls off my dress as I tug at his belt buckle. My hands find his huge shoulders as he pushes me onto the bed and swallows me in the warmth pulsing from his scarred body.
There’s usually a bite in his kisses, but now they’re more tender, as if he’s not afraid I’ll pull away without the feel of his teeth dragging against my flesh. As his lips hit the soft skin of my neck, a million different thoughts break into my mind.
Am I ready for this? Should I tell him I know the truth about his scars? What am I supposed to do?
“Follow my lead, princess.” He growls as his fingers dig into my skin. The rasping of his voice sends a pulse between my legs and a thrumming that demands attention.
Our bodies find a rhythm, grinding together, teasing the moment. He shifts up the bed and I can’t hold back the gasp escaping my lips when his cock brushes against me. It’s hard, and it feels big. I pull back from a kiss to glance down.
Oh fuck. Was it that big before?
Nikolai cups my face and pulls my attention back to his eyes.
“I’ll be gentle, princess.” His cock hovers against my quivering lips. He leans in, hot breath on my neck, “but if you miss behave, you know what your next punishment is.”
He draws back to take in my face, and a grin spreads on his lips as I nod up at him. Our eyes lock, and our bodies sync.
With a slow thrust, Nikolai enters me. I squeeze my eyes shut and a moan escapes my lips.
Fuck, it’s thick . I feel like I’m being stretched out, totally filled up. He pushes in slowly, so I feel every single inch in its entirety.
“Good girl.” His voice is firm, but it’s caring. He caresses me with his big hands, holding my shivering body against his.
“Fuck, it’s so much.” I groan.
“You can take it for me.” Nikolai’s smooth voice calms the thudding of my heart, but not the throbbing between my legs.
We collide into a kiss as he picks up a roll in his hips, building the intensity of his strokes. My whole body tingles, and I lose his lips because I can’t focus on kissing anymore. I can’t focus on anything. The whole world disappears in the darkness behind my eyelids as Nikolai sends waves of pleasure into my body.
“Look at me, Isabella.”
The sound of my name leaving his lips sends a wonderful shudder into my body. I open my eyes, despite every inch of my being wanting them squeezed shut. Nikolai can’t take his eyes off me. His pulsating cock slides in and out, picking up speed.
“It hurts,” he slows, “but it feels good.” I moan, unsure if this was a level of pain I can take. A level of pain I can like?
The pleasure and the pain swirl together. Our eyes lock. Our souls connect. I can do this for hours.
“You’re mine.” He holds me against him, every tensed muscle in his body shivering with sensation. “Say it.” He growls.
“I’m yours, Nikolai. I’m yours.”
My words drown into moans as he makes me lose control of everything.
The pressure inside me crests with each of Nikolai’s strokes. I don’t know what spot he’s hitting, but I never want him to stop hitting it. My legs quiver and everything but this moment evaporates from me.
I climax, looking deep into Nikolai’s eyes, with his arms wrapped tightly around me. Nikolai feels me arriving and lets go, too. His body tenses and his jaw drops open to release deep, passionate moans. As he cums inside me, his fingers grip me so hard I feel like I might snap in two.
We collapse, sucking in the air, as our bodies quiver and our souls enmesh together.
After a while, I roll out of Nikolai’s arms and sit on the edge of the bed. Despite the intimacy we’ve just shared, there’s one thing I can’t get off my mind. It isn’t right that I know how Nikolai got his scars. I need to tell him the truth.
“What’s wrong?” Nikolai’s hand massages the back of my neck.
“There’s something I need to tell you.” I say through gritted teeth.
Nikolai sits up and moves over to be next to me. “What is it?”
I swallow down the anxiety. “I know…” My words crash into one another as I try to find the right way to tell him.
“You know what?” When I look at him, I have no doubt he’d destroy the whole world just to keep me safe.
“I know about your scars. I know what happened.”
The forest green of his eyes withers into winter. He’s completely silent, and his eyes flicker away from mine.
“I wanted to tell you, there just wasn’t the right moment.”
Nikolai stares off into the distance. For the first time in a long time, I see the Nikolai everyone else sees. The immovable, emotionless force of nature.
Nikolai shoots to his feet and disappears into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
“Wait!” I call after him, reaching the bathroom door as the lock clicks shut. “Nikolai, wait, listen to me.” Anxiety latches onto me and screams worst-case scenarios into my ear. “It doesn’t change how I see you. I’m not happy with how I found out, but I’m glad I know the truth. It’s a part of you and I…”
I swallow back the three words that almost fall from my lips. I want to say them, even if they’re terrifying, but I can’t say them now.
Silence stretches out like daggers dragging through skin. I lean into the door and slide down to sit with my back against it. The longer Nikolai stays silent, the more anxious I get. I can’t control anything. He’s hurt, or angry, or lost, and I don’t have any way of reaching him. I cuddle my knees into my chest, sucking in shaky breaths. The room door creaks open as Anton pads his way into the room, as if he senses the need for comfort. He curls up next to me, resting his head on my lap. “Good boy.” I whisper, petting his soft fur.
“How did you find out?” Nikolai’s voice calls from the other side of the door. It’s cold, still, and tense.
“Stephanie O’Shea told me.”
I search for the right words as the terrifying void of silence threatens us once more.
“You can trust me, Nikolai. You don’t have to be afraid of sharing your past with me.”
“I know I can trust you.” He says, his voice jagged and low.
“Then why are you shutting me out?”
Anton whimpers after the sound of Nikolai’s voice before getting up and clawing at the door. Another silence follows as Nikolai sits with his demons, alone, in a tiny room on the other side of the door.
“I didn’t want you to know.”
“Why? It’s a part of you.”
“Because when I think back to that day… when it all began…” he breathes in heavily, “I should have seen it coming.”
“What? How could you possibly know what Damon was going to do? That’s not your fault.”
“No. You don’t understand.”
I scramble to my feet, frustration getting its claws into me. “Then tell me! Tell me the truth. I can’t understand you if you won’t let me.”
Come on. Answer me. Say something!
I thump the door with a punch as hard as I can. Pain ripples through my knuckles as the echo bleeds away to silence. “Nikolai.” My voice breaks as I call his name.
Nothing.
My shoulders drop, and I trudge over to the bed, sitting on the edge parallel to the bathroom door. Anton follows me, sitting at my feet and whimpering. Then, a compulsion takes over my heart. Something I can’t ignore. It’s the only thing I have left.
I sing. Softly at first, building with every moment until my voice trembles like the tears brimming in my eyes. I sing like it’s my first time on stage and I have everything to prove. I sing with my heart, open, vulnerable, terrified, loving…
The final note leaves my lips. Silence returns. The door remains still. So still. The seconds feel like days of torture.
Then he opens the door. Nikolai takes up the doorway, fury and passion and intimacy in his eyes.
We fly to each other. I jump into him, and he wraps his arms around me, holding me so tight.
“I love you, Isabella.” He whispers, shattering my heart and rebuilding it anew.
“I… I love you too.”
Our hearts thunder to the same beat, intertwining forever.
Nikolai keeps me in his arms as he sinks into the bed, placing me in his lap. His neck tenses, just like the strained storm on his face. He takes a long time to speak again.
“When Ivan discovered Damon’s betrayal, he took all the possible traitors into cells in the basement of this mansion. On the day it all happened, four of us were taken. Two men who worked on jobs with Damon, and his two closest friends. Ivan wouldn’t imprison his own son, so Viktor was left alone.”
“You couldn’t have seen that coming. You’re not in control of what other people do.”
“Damon tried to call me, but I didn’t answer my phone.” He shakes his head. “We were on a job. I don’t like distractions on jobs. I’ve always been the one who kept us safe.”
He stares off into the distance. “They never picked us up from jobs. I knew it was strange. Ivan came himself, with Aleksander. They asked us to get in the truck with them. I knew it was wrong, but I trusted them.” Nikolai’s eyes swim with the memory. “He told me it was strange. He didn’t want to get in, it was only because he trusted me.”
“Who? Damon?” I ask.
“No.” Nikolai’s breathing is heavy. “There was another Bratva. A friend. Anton.”
I glance down at the dog curled at the foot of the bed and feel a pang of regret at the comment I made when I first met him. That’s a human name.
“You named Anton after him?”
“I didn’t want to at first, but it was the only name he’d respond to. Now it’s to remember him .” Nikolai swallows a gulp of stress.
“He was our friend. Mine, and Damon’s especially. We’d always been so close. We went through everything together.” Spite creeps into Nikolai’s tone. “The moment we stepped into the truck, it was over. They took us here. They made us all suffer. And when I didn’t give Ivan the information he wanted, he started killing them. Innocent men. He shot the two men in front of us first. Then, a few days before Damon killed Anton. When he was most paranoid, he came down to us and demanded I tell him where Damon was. I couldn’t, because I didn’t know. But Ivan wouldn’t believe me. Or anyone. So he cut Anton’s throat, and he made me watch.”
“I’m so sorry, Nikolai.” I wrap my arms around his tense body, holding him close.
“I could have saved him.”
“It’s not your fault.” It’s all I can say, so I repeat it over and over, comforting the man who always makes me feel safe.
“I thought, if you saw my mangled body… If you knew about how I couldn’t protect someone who meant so much to me, how I couldn’t protect myself… Why would a woman be with a man who can’t protect her? A broken man?”
I cup Nikolai’s face in my hands, pressing into the stubble covering his jaw. We look deep into each other’s eyes, finding the past and a potential future.
“Your body is beautiful. You’ve saved me from a life of being a prisoner. You do protect me. You make me feel safe, Nikolai. You’re not broken to me.”
Nikolai takes a shivering breath and then collapses into me, his arms wrapping around me. We hold each other tight, losing ourselves in each other until the darkness of night seeps into the room.