Chapter 28 #2
“That’s your choice, but we’re going to my study at Tybalt’s for more books,” he answered.
She nodded, the other book tucked under her arm. When she tossed the cloak over her shoulder, he held out his hand again, and she swallowed thickly before placing her fingers in his.
“So starting small isn’t going well?” he asked.
Her eyes went wide. “Why would you say that? Did Cethin say something?”
He paused, tilting his head. “Should he have said something to me? Is there something I should be aware of?”
“No,” she answered in a rush. “Can we go please?”
He nodded, eyeing her as he Traveled them to the Greybane Estate, directly into his study.
Taking the book from beneath her arm, he returned it to its proper place on the shelves before scanning for another volume that would be helpful to her.
The problem was, she was so godsdamn quiet on her feet, he couldn’t hear where she was in the room.
Which meant she could be touching anything.
“Lia,” he called out, her name bordering on a growl.
“What?” she answered from somewhere to his right.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for a book.”
“You don’t need to. I’m finding what you need.”
“I’m looking for a different book.”
“Tell me what book, and I’ll find it.”
“I don’t know exactly which book.”
A growl of frustration rumbled from his chest, and he abandoned his own search to track her down.
She was at the far end of the study, fingers trailing along spines. His eyes narrowed, warding off a twitch in his left eye.
“How are you looking for a book if you don’t know which book you’re looking for?” he asked, trying to keep his voice even. The last thing he wanted was another argument with her today, especially when she was more of the stab first, communicate reasonably later, type.
She paused, hand dropping to her side. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I was hoping the titles would be of assistance, but many of these are in languages I do not know.”
“This is the part where you tell me what it is you’re looking for, and then I find the book for you,” he said in annoyance.
Kailia nodded, shaking her hands out as she worried her bottom lip.
“Did something happen this morning?” he finally asked. “You are different today.”
Her eyes snapped back to his. “No,” she said in a rush. “I need…”
“Spit it out, Lia.”
“I need your help,” she said, the words sounding agonized. As if asking him for help with whatever this was physically pained her.
“That is part of my job, you know,” he said flatly.
Her lips pursed. “Which is why I don’t want to tell you,” she snapped. “Because I’m just a job to you, and this is— Well, it’s something you won’t understand.”
He frowned when she turned back to the bookcase. For whatever reason, those words made him…uncomfortable. Something he was definitely not accustomed to feeling.
“I helped with Cethin, didn’t I?” he argued for some unknown reason. “Is that what this is about?”
“No,” she answered, sounding irritated. “This has nothing to do with Cethin. Not directly anyway.”
“Who are you going to ask for help then if not me? Who else do you have, Lia?”
He realized how much of an asshole thing that was to say as soon as the words left his mouth. And yeah, he was a dick in general, but he was never intentionally cruel for no reason.
She had gone utterly still, her back to him and fingertips lingering on the spine of a book. Slowly, she turned back to him, her eyes swirling violently while the rest of her body was too still. Too calm.
“I know I’m not well-versed in social cues,” she said, each word calm and deliberate, “but I do believe it is things like this that make me ‘just a job’ to you. You are the very type that makes me believe it is easier to do things on my own. Manipulating me by making me believe I have no other options? That I have no one else? I learned long ago that the one person I can ever truly depend on is myself, Razik Greybane. I have no use for you or anyone else.”
He winced, her words hitting dark places she didn’t even realize, but he absolutely fucking deserved it.
“I’d like to return to the castle,” she added.
He nodded, extending his hand and wishing this day were already over.
“Did you get them?” he asked, sliding on his tunic as Wren entered his rooms.
It was the next morning, and thank the Fates.
Yesterday had been miserable. Kailia hadn’t spoken to him for the rest of the day.
In fact, she’d godsdamn dismissed him. He’d held his ground on not standing outside in the hall, but she’d stayed in the bedchamber and he’d sat in the sitting room.
For hours, he’d contemplated what she could need help with.
He didn’t think it was the touching. She’d already confided in him about that, so it wouldn’t have been a big deal.
This was clearly something very personal.
He’d certainly fucked up the trust he’d been carefully building day after day.
The only good thing about yesterday had been losing himself in Wren for a few hours. Not that sex fixed everything, but it definitely fucking helped. The flying helped too. So did the serena sabre up in the mountains. The one thing that would have helped even more was a good round of sparring.
Wren flashed him a smile, setting down the paper sack on the side table.
She’d offered to run this errand for him before getting ready for the day.
While she’d smoothed down her hair and tied it back, it still had that just-fucked look to it, along with that satisfied glow in her blue eyes and golden skin.
“You’re lucky I actually like you. I’m one of maybe three people,” she said, crossing the room and pulling her tunic over her head as she made her way to the bathing chamber.
“I’m aware,” he muttered after her.
Her light laughter echoed before running water sounded.
“Need anything before I go?” he called out to her.
“You gave me plenty last night, Razik,” she answered, her tone teasing.
He shook his head, but a smirk tugged at his lips. Slipping on his boots, he grabbed the paper sack and made his way to the king’s floor. He’d waited long enough this morning that Cethin should be gone, and if the pair did go downstairs for breakfast, she should be back up here by now.
Nodding to the guard that was on duty on their floor, he pushed through the doors. Kailia was standing near the window, fiddling with that crystal necklace she always wore. At his entrance, she glanced at the door before turning back to the window.
“Ready to go?” he asked, dropping the bag onto the low table before the sofa.
“I’m not going anywhere today,” she replied simply.
“Come now,” he scoffed. “You’re going to let your anger with me keep you locked inside all day? Didn’t know I had so much control over you.”
“You don’t,” she spat.
“Mhmm,” he hummed. Then he flicked the paper bag with his fingers. “I brought you something.”
“I don’t want it.”
“Lia,” he growled, swiping a hand down his face. He pushed out a harsh breath. “About what I said yesterday.”
She scoffed. “I’m sure I just ‘took it the wrong way,’ right? Because I don’t understand common interactions?”
He let those words hang in the air, understanding that such an explanation had likely been used against her in the past.
“It doesn’t matter what I meant. What matters is how you perceived it,” he replied.
She finally peered over her shoulder at him. “What?”
“It doesn’t matter how I said something or my intention behind it,” he repeated.
“What matters is how you heard it and how you interpreted it.” When she only stared at him, he pushed, “I know what it’s like to be alone.
To feel like your singular purpose is to be used by others.
I didn’t mean to imply that you are just a job.
I was…” He let out another long breath, not used to having to explain himself.
Not used to caring enough to explain himself.
“I was trying to tell you that you aren’t alone.
That I’m here to help you. Not because it’s my job but because I understand loneliness.
I understand how we come to find peace in solitude because we are forced to spend so much time there.
Because others don’t understand us, despite some trying. Eventually they—”
“Stop trying,” she cut in, taking a few steps closer. “And they start trying to figure out how they can use you.”
Razik nodded once, his jaw taut. “Or force you into doing what they want.”
Her head canted to the side, a tentative curiosity in her eyes. “I can’t imagine anyone forcing you to do anything.”
His answering smile was devoid of anything kind or cheerful. “I could say the same for you, yet somehow, here you are.”
Anger flared once more. “Are you saying this whole arrangement is my fault?”
“Of course not,” he said dismissively. “You’re far too clever to fall for such a thing.”
She hummed, coming closer, but she was still a few feet away when she pushed onto her tiptoes, trying to peer into the bag.
“It’s not going to bite,” he said, rolling his eyes and shoving it closer to her.
She snatched it up, pulling a handle on each side to open it wider. Reaching inside, she pulled out a roll with cinnamon and frosting, still lukewarm from the freshest batch.
“These are Cethin’s favorites,” she said dubiously.
“I think they’re also yours,” Razik retorted dryly.
“Perhaps,” she said, sinking her teeth into the pastry.
He debated asking how she’d gone three centuries without having such a thing, but he’d dug his way out of one hole. He wasn’t about to jump into another.
When she’d finished two of the four rolls and had set the rest aside for later, he asked, “Any place in particular you’d like to go today? Into Aimonway?”
She was quiet in that unnerving way she had. She never shifted or fidgeted while she debated things, making it increasingly hard to read her. It was ironic, really. She may be challenged in understanding social interactions, but in turn, she was a challenge to understand herself.