Chapter Twenty-Two
CADE
Zaqiel told me she woke after nine days, and it was during one of the rare times I was asleep.
As a demon, I could comfortably go without sleep for a couple of days, and at a push, I could make it to almost a week, which is exactly what I’d done.
But in the end, emotional and physical exhaustion had won out, and I was forced to fall back in the uncomfortable chair and allow my body the sleep it craved.
I’d been out for seven hours, and during that time, Zaqiel had come back to visit Nikki again, and she had regained consciousness for a few minutes.
He wasn’t pleased with the way I grabbed at his shirt and shook him, demanding to know what she said and what he said back, but it seemed he had accepted this as how we communicated now and no longer insisted I let him go before he’d answer my questions.
Somehow, his patience only increased my anger.
The doctor I had hassled—once I got the information from Zaqiel—told me Nikki’s waking was an excellent sign, given how lucid Zaqiel had advised she was, but she’d still need more rest.
She could wake again at any time, though, and I’d be there.
When the room was clear of doctors, the angel told me Nikki remembered my transformation into my demon form and was still frightened, but when she had woken, she had tried to call for me. He said he could see it in her eyes, the mixture of fear, pain, and confusion.
He said he’d told her I loved her, and I wished he hadn’t. I didn’t want to burden her with that fact. If she wanted to walk away from me after what she had witnessed, I wouldn’t stop her, and I didn’t want her to feel any guilt over that.
All the guilt was mine to bear.
Thirty-six hours later, Nikki stirred again.
I almost tripped over the leg of the chair in my rush to be by her side, forgetting for a moment that my presence may frighten her.
I held onto the line of hope Zaqiel had thrown me, that she wanted me when she woke up last time.
I could only hope it was from some deep part of her that loved me back and not through confusion or some side effect of the accident.
She moaned softly, her eyelids fluttering.
The restraints had been removed from her hands.
The doctors felt the chances of her yanking out the lines were unlikely at this stage, and I was thankful she didn’t have to wake trapped and afraid again.
They had removed the feeding tube around six hours ago, hoping this would assist in waking on her own.
“Nikki, it’s okay, angel. I’m here.”
Would my presence be a comfort or only make her fear worse?
“Demon,” she pushed the word out, and my spine stiffened as I prepared myself for the blow that she didn’t want me here, she didn’t love or need me as I did her, and she wanted me to leave.
Gritting my teeth against tears that I absolutely wasn’t going to allow to fall, I grabbed the plastic cup of water off the side table and offered her the straw.
Her lips fumbled around it before she took a few grateful sips of the cool liquid, her eyes never leaving mine.
“Do you want me to leave?” I asked quietly, placing the cup back on the table.
Nikki frowned. “I didn’t fuck the Devil.”
My eyebrows shot up. Is that what she thought?
That I was the Devil himself? Granted, being a demon wasn’t likely to be any better to a frightened human, but Zaqiel hadn’t told me he’d made the clarification with her.
“No,” I muttered, brushing a thumb across her forehead to ease her frown, “I’m not the Devil.
I’m a demon, but I don’t want to be, not really. ”
She simply blinked at me, a look of innocence and curiosity on her face.
I didn’t know exactly what to say but felt I should keep talking to her.
“I never quite fit in at home… in Hell. That’s why I came to Earth.
But I never thought I’d find someone like you, and I never thought myself capable of love.
” Her eyes widened, and her fingers gripped the sheet, albeit weakly, but she said nothing, so I continued, “I’ll understand if you never want to see me again, and I know words can’t take it back, but I’m sorry for what you witnessed.
But if you’re not frightened of me, I hope you can remember who I was before you saw the transformation because that’s the real me.
I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you and showing you you’re safe and loved if you’ll have me. ”
“Love me?”
She was still in so much pain. I could see it in the way her throat worked around the words and the grimace when she swallowed painfully after asking.
Nikki was choosing her words carefully, but I didn’t doubt there’d be a world of questions later.
It broke something in me to know that her first question was asking if I loved her.
“Yes,” I whispered, holding her eye contact. “I love you.”
“Time.” She sighed.
I understood it would take her time. “As much as you need.”
Her eyes shimmered with emotion, and I kissed her forehead. “I’m going to get the doctor.”
As the days went on, Nikki became more lucid and capable, and I still hadn’t left the hospital.
Smithy knew where I was and hadn’t called me since I contacted him two days after the accident.
At least knowing enough about me to know if pushed, I’d throw the job in, and also that I would call him when I was ready to and not a minute earlier.
When Nikki mumbled a complaint about missing home cooking, she didn’t want me to speak to the nurses because she understood the work that went into hospital food.
I tried it, it wasn’t bad at all, but I knew what she meant.
Besides, the woman could cook, and I missed it too.
Slipping out of her room when the nurse came in to bathe her and begin explaining the physical therapy, I returned with a quiche from the canteen on the ground floor.
Nikki’s eyes followed my movement into the room, that frown on her brow becoming a familiar part of her as she worked her way through each day.
Then her eyes widened with recognition when she realized what I was attempting to replicate with her, and she laughed quietly, patting the side of her bed.
It was the first invitation I’d had to get closer to her, so while I took it, I did so tentatively, trying not to think about what other demons would think of me.
All emotions, empathy, and compassion, all this bullshit we didn’t normally deal with, not to mention the fucking quiche.
But I stopped caring what they thought the moment they shredded my mark from my chest.
Except Frank, and while I’d never admit it to him, I cared what he thought.
I should really call him.
Sliding the quiche onto her tray, I offered, “Do you want to eat?”
She smiled, and my chest swelled. She was getting color back into her face, sitting up no longer taking all the energy from her.
Though she did grow tired quickly, she wouldn’t admit it and only relaxed when I’d put on the television and sat in silence until she settled into her pillows.
Nikki’s eyes were bright as they watched mine, and her lips curved into a slight smile that reminded me of what I was fighting for.
Behind the smile, was she thinking of me in my true form?
“Soon,” she said, patting my hand before drawing away. “Quiche is just as good cold.”
I scrunched up my nose. “If you say so.”
“Let’s talk.”
“Okay.”
We both waited in silence, and I shifted uncomfortably. Was she waiting for me to make the first move to begin this conversation? I didn’t know where to begin. “Do you remember…”
“Yes,” she cut me off, averting her eyes from mine. “Yes, I remember… the night before the accident.”
In the silence that followed, the cavern opened up in my chest again.
While waiting for her to become more coherent and comfortable, the words hung unspoken between us.
When she couldn’t speak enough to hold a conversation, her eyes would watch me, study me, while I kept up small talk that made me as uncomfortable as it did her.
But she never asked me to leave or indicated that she wanted me to.
Nikki never screamed, cried, or looked terrified when I was near, and I supposed I should be thankful for at least that.
“It’s hard,” she mumbled finally.
“I know.”
After flitting her gaze around the room, she finally settled on my eyes again, and all the confusion I saw there, I wanted to be able to make disappear. “Has anyone else ever seen…” she trailed off.
“Any other human?” She nodded, her jaw tensing, and my hand twitched.
I wanted to hold her hand while we talked, but would that be too much for her?
I wasn’t used to treading carefully. We had been so good together, physically and otherwise, and so comfortable, but now I was second-guessing every move I made.
“No, you’re the only one.” When she looked away again, I added, “But it was an accident, Nikki. I never wanted you to see that part of me.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
Fuck. “Eventually.” The purse of her lips told me she wasn’t happy with that answer. “You have to understand it’s not easy to bring up. Would you have believed me if I outright told you?”
“I might have.”
“Nikki, there’s no way. Not with everything else going on. I wanted to help solve your father’s murder so you could move on with your life. Regardless of if I felt he deserved your loyalty. I wanted that for you.”
“Help solve?” She paused, frowning again. It seemed almost a permanent fixture now. “Did the clue in my mailbox come from you?”
“Yes.”
The frown deepened again as she worked through her thoughts. Nikki wasn’t stupid. I couldn’t have gone to her and simply told her to check out the club because why should she believe me? And that would only lead to awkward questions.
Dammit.
“Nikki, look…” She dragged her gaze back to mine as I sighed.
“I didn’t go about things the right way, I know that.
I’ve made so many mistakes when it came to you and how I dealt with things.
But everything I did, I did because I thought it was the right thing, and I only wanted to help and protect you. ”
“Why?”
Why was a very good question. “Because I’ve never felt more human than when I’m with you. I like who I am with you.” I grimaced, the display of emotion felt strange when spoken aloud, strange and foolish.
Her expression softened, and my hand twitched again.
This time she noticed the movement and slid her fingers along the cotton bedsheets before intertwining them with mine.
“I had dreams, you know?” I said nothing and waited for her to continue, squeezing her hand.
“Like I was in my everyday life, but it was… off. Every now and then, you would come to me and tell me everything was going to be okay, and I’d ask you why are you telling me this?
I couldn’t understand why you’d be reassuring me over nothing.
Sometimes they were nightmares, and I was being chased or hunted.
And in those dreams, you were there, as a demon…
” She paused as I flinched and squeezed my eyes shut because I didn’t want to be haunting her dreams. “No, no, Cade, listen…”
I looked at her beautiful hazel eyes, her white-blonde hair falling around her shoulders, and her lips slightly parted. I wanted to kiss her.
“You were the demon, but you weren’t the one chasing me. You were the one saving me.” She sighed, and I could see the conflict fighting within her eyes. “I guess you were just doing your job… with Dad, I mean… your fucked-up demon job.”
“I’m sorry.”
What else could I say? Fuck, emotions were so complicated.
Sex and fighting were fun and easy, but this?
This connection with another being, this wanting to keep them safe above all else thing?
It made me stupid. I’d made some fucking idiotic decisions since I met Nikki, and while I’d do some things differently, I wouldn’t take it back.
I’d run through metaphorical and physical hell over and over again if it gave her peace.
“Humans can be so fucked up,” she whispered and shook her head slightly. She looked at our intertwined hands while her fingers played with mine as she traced the lines on my palm. I was as mesmerized by the movement as she was because her touch was pure, and I wanted more.
“Everything I thought I knew about my family was a lie, and when I tried to do the right thing, I was blocked by corruption and crooks. People who didn’t play by the rules were impossible to get around because I wanted to keep to my morals.
People, Cade, people fucked me over. But you…
” There were tears in her eyes, and her lips lifted into a small smile for a beat when I wiped one away as it ran down her freckled cheek.
“You only ever looked out for me, cared for me. You did some stupid fucking shit…” her lip twitched, it was almost a smile, “… but it was for me.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Who would have thought…” Nikki sighed, tilted her head, and closed her eyes as she leaned into my palm, “… a demon would be my savior among humans?”