26. Jacinthe
Jacinthe
“ W here are we even going?” I ask.
I’m crammed into the backseat of Natalie’s car like some kind of kidnapping victim while she and Maddie sit together up in the front.
“Emergency best friends meeting,” Natalie declares. “My place.”
We’re already halfway to La Cloche. I barely remember getting into the car. Everything since I left the hayloft is a blur.
I know I wanted to stay home. I remember the three of us sitting down to have tea in the kitchen with Maman . Everyone was asking me what happened, but I couldn’t speak. All I could do was stare down at the mug in my hands and think about what Tess said in the pasture.
We should never have moved to this farm at all.
She wouldn’t look at me. She wouldn’t let me touch her.
She was disgusted with me, and she had every right to be. I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t stop wanting her. I convinced her to do things we shouldn’t, and it almost turned her daughter into a missing person poster.
I should have kept my distance. I should have left my guard up.
I thought I could let her in without something going wrong, but I know better. I’m not meant to have more people in my life.
“You need more than tea,” Natalie is saying upfront, “and I have very strong Scotch.”
“I don’t want to drink,” I tell her. “I should go back to Maman .”
“She’s sleeping,” Maddie says, in the kind of gentle voice you’d use in a hospital room. “Remember?”
I focus on the moments before we left the house, and I do remember Maman heading to bed by the time we were rinsing the teapot out.
Everything was dark down at the barn when I checked out the kitchen window. I thought about knocking on Tess’s door, and that’s when Natalie and Maddie insisted I needed to get out of there and clear my head.
The two of them keep chatting up front, but I zone out and watch the dark forest fly by outside the windows until we reach the streetlamps of La Cloche. The trick-or-treaters are long gone. Just a few flickering Jack-o-lanterns on porch steps are left to remind me it’s still Halloween.
Natalie lives in a tiny apartment above the health food shop her mother has been running for decades. The place is just off Rue Principale. We park in the small lot behind the shop and climb the staircase running along the back of the building up to Natalie’s door.
The apartment smells like a woodsy candle. The scent of pine gets sharper when Natalie re-lights the huge jar candle on her coffee table after clicking a few lamps on.
A giant painting of the moon with the subtle shape of a woman’s body hidden in silvery beams of moonlight hangs on the wall above the couch.
It’s some of Natalie’s best work. Usually I tease her about her ‘naked lady art’ whenever I come over, but this time, I plop down on the couch without giving the piece more than a glance.
Maddie sits next to me on the couch while Natalie curls up in the papasan chair tucked into the corner next to her cluttered bookshelf.
She really is such a hippie.
They both stare at me like I’m a bomb that’s about to explode, and after a couple seconds tick by, that’s exactly how I feel.
I can’t keep this all in.
Not anymore.
“Tess and I…were hooking up.”
I wait for them to gasp or cheer or fall out of their seats in shock, but all they do is nod.
“I mean, we guessed that a long time ago,” Natalie says.
I gawk at her. “You did?”
Maddie raises an eyebrow over the top of her glasses. “It was very obvious.”
I try to sputter out a few excuses, but I’ve got nothing.
“Well, I meant we were hooking up, like, tonight ,” I add. “When Shel got home. She walked in on us.”
Now they gasp. Maddie’s hands fly up to cover her mouth, and Natalie’s face turns pale.
“Oh no,” Maddie mutters from behind her fingers.
“Yeah.” I give her an empty smile. “Very oh no.”
“Is that why she ran away?” Natalie asks, leaning closer.
“ Ouais, c’est ?a . She got scared,” I explain. “She thought her mom and I are girlfriends, and she’s scared if we break up, I’ll kick them out of the house.”
My stomach churns at the thought of her little face looking so terrified, like I’d turned into an evil super villain.
“She really loves living here. She said she wants to stay forever.”
My voice catches on the last word. Maddie rests her hand on my shoulder.
“That’s really sweet, actually,” Natalie says.
I flail my hands around in frustration. “ Ben , it would be, if everything were not all fucked up now.”
Natalie squints at me. “What’s fucked up about it? I mean, besides Shel walking in on you guys. That’s rough, but I’m sure Tess can help her process it.”
I drop my head into my hands and rub my forehead. I’m probably going to end up with new wrinkles by the end of this night.
“What’s fucked up is that I asked Tess to be my partner.”
Natalie lets out a squawk, and Maddie’s grip on my shoulder tightens so hard I have to shrug her off me.
“Your partner?” she squeaks.
I’ve really got to start being more specific with that one.
“My business partner,” I say. “I talked to Maman about it, and we agreed we should make Tess a partner if she wants to help run a boarding stable at La Grange Rouge.”
“Ohhhh,” Natalie drawls.
Maddie looks even more confused, and I realize I still haven’t talked to her about the idea at all.
I haven’t talked to either of them about anything lately. Despite running an inn together, we’ve all been wrapped up in our own little worlds and never-ending to-do lists.
I spend a few minutes explaining the boarding concept to Maddie and then get back to the part about me proposing the partnership to Tess.
“Did she say no?” Maddie asks once she’s caught up.
“She said it would be a good fit and she’s interested, but we agreed we would have to stop hooking up if we do that.”
The two of them share a look.
“So tonight…?” Natalie hazards.
“Was gonna be the last time.”
They look at each other again, and even though neither of them cracks a smile, I could swear they’re trying not to laugh.
“ C’est vrai !” I growl. “It was!”
Natalie holds up her hands in surrender. “Okay, so if you’re not hooking up anymore, and Tess wants the job, then can you just explain all that to Shel?”
The way Tess looked at me in the field flashes through my mind like a bolt of lightning, leaving everything burnt to a crisp.
I shudder.
“I do not think that is an option. When we were out looking for Shel, Tess told me…”
I wince and dig my nails into the tops of my thighs.
“She says she wishes she never moved to the farm.”
Natalie gets up from the papasan chair and hip checks me so I’m forced to move over and make room for her.
The three of us are so squished on the two-seater that Maddie is practically sliding to the floor, but I’m suddenly too exhausted to do anything except let my head slump against Natalie’s shoulder.
“Tess was probably just really upset,” she tells me. “I mean, her kid was missing. She was freaking out.”
I shake my head as much as I can without rolling off her shoulder.
“I think it’s more than that. Shel is her priority, of course, and after what happened tonight…”
I squeeze my eyes shut. I’ve never wished I could turn back time as much as I do now.
“I just don’t think she’ll stick around,” I whisper.
The two of them try to comfort me, but I jump to my feet and begin pacing the room. My lungs feel like they’re being squeezed too tight to breathe.
“I should have known,” I mutter. “I should have known she’d never stay.”
I make it all the way to Natalie’s tiny kitchen—which isn’t saying much considering it’s basically just the other half of the living room—and brace my hands on the counter, breathing hard.
“You weren’t just hooking up, were you?” Natalie asks once I’ve calmed down enough to turn around and face the couch again.
Maddie looks like she’s close to tears herself.
“She means a lot to you,” she says in a soft voice.
There’s no point lying.
“She does.”
My chest gets even tighter, but the truth still finds a way out.
“I…I think I’m falling for her.”
I gasp and clutch at the counter again as it all comes crashing down on me.
I’m falling for her, and there’s nothing to catch me now.
My friends scramble up from the couch and come running to my side.
“Hey,” Natalie soothes while Maddie rubs my arm. “It’s okay. You mean a lot to her too. We can all see it. I think she’s falling for you just as hard.”
I shake my head.
They’re not getting it. They didn’t see her tonight.
“It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Give it time,” Maddie urges. “She went through a lot tonight. You both did. I really don’t think this is the end.”
I suck in a sharp breath and try to listen to what she’s saying, but I just don’t see another way out.
Tess is going to leave.
“I’m so fucking stupid,” I mutter. “I know better.”
Natalie makes a fist and holds it up in front of my face.
“Hey. Don’t call my best friend fucking stupid.”
She boops my nose, and it’s so ridiculous it somehow manages to make me crack a smile.
“I’m sorry we haven’t been there for any of this,” she says, letting her arm drop back to her side. “We’ve all been so busy adjusting to running the inn. You should have been able to talk to us.”
I huff a laugh. “ Ben , it was a secret.”
She chuckles. “Yeah, well, we’re pretty shit at keeping secrets from each other. I don’t remember either of you being shocked when you found out about me and Brooke.”
Maddie clears her throat and raises her hand. “For the record, I’m still in the middle of a major dry spell with no secret lover in sight.”
Natalie reaches over and swipes at some of the smudged eyeliner on her cheeks. “That I do believe, kitty cat.”
Maddie swats her away.
“You bitch,” she snaps, but she’s laughing.
Somehow, despite the ache in my chest and the tightness around my lungs, I’m laughing too.
“Look, we’re going to figure this out, okay?” Natalie says. “And we’re not going to let running a business together get in the way of being there for each other as friends.”
She steps away and rifles through one of her cupboards before pulling out a bottle of amber liquor.
“Regular catch-ups are a must, okay? Starting with whiskey tonight.”
Just the sight of the bottle makes my stomach churn. I doubt I’m going to be able to eat anytime soon, never mind throw back straight whiskey.
“I really do not think I can drink.”
Natalie raises her eyebrows. “Damn. You’re too upset for Macallan? You really do like this woman.”
I give her a weak grin. “Guess I really do.”
Maddie snatches the bottle out of Natalie’s hands and sets it on the counter.
“How about just a group hug, then?” she asks.
They’re already folding me into their arms, holding me like we’ve held each other for every storm we’ve weathered before, but I still answer anyway.
“A group hug sounds very good.”