Chapter 51
chapter
fifty-one
“Regret isn’t loud. It’s the quiet realization that you knew better and did it anyway.” – Cyrus
CYRUS
Setting the bottles on the counter, I pop the tops, shake out what I need, and knock them back with a mouthful of coffee. They are lined up on the island like little soldiers, or maybe they’re clowns making fun of me.
I glance at the door, and it’s so tempting to hide them from Haven. It doesn’t matter that she already knows. What matters is that it makes me feel weak. I’m defective. The ache I try to ignore in my bones refuses to let me live in the fantasy world where I’m fine.
Ego, pride, shame…that’s all it is. My ego can’t handle needing help. My pride doesn’t want Haven to see me like this. And I carry around so much shame that I can’t pinpoint what I’m ashamed of at any given time.
But I want a future with Haven, and that means I need to try something different. So…despite wanting to toss them across the room, I leave the clear plastic tubes with their colorful pills sitting out and flip the strips of bacon instead.
Grabbing a fresh tomato, I place it on the cutting board and pick up a knife. My hand is shaking just enough to make this a dangerous feat.
“You’re not beating me today, fucker.”
Yanking open the utensil drawer, I pull out a fork and stab the tomato. This will keep me from doing something stupid like cutting off my fingers. The slices are uneven, but it’s still a win.
I hear Haven before I see her. She’s humming softly, and a sly grin spreads across my face. I’m the reason she’s in a good mood. A definite switch from our past.
This morning replays in my head like the best erotic dream.
Haven was still sound asleep when I woke up hard and needing her.
She moaned as I started to move and spread her thighs.
She mumbled in her sleep, and I kept the pace slow and even, soaking in the feel of her.
When she came in her sleep, it pushed me over the edge.
It was the sweetest sensation despite the release that rocked me to my core.
I whispered, ‘I love you,’ then slipped from the bed to shower and start breakfast.
Something I’ve never done for anyone.
“Mmmm, it smells so good in here,” Haven says, stepping into the kitchen.
Her head is cocked to the side as she rubs her wet hair. The silky dressing gown she wears shows me nothing, but my body reacts as if she has on sexy lingerie. Those fucking green eyes of hers lock on me. I turn off the burner and walk toward her.
“Cy…what…”
Not bothering to let her finish her question, I grip Haven by the waist, lift her, and sit her on the edge of the large island. My lips touch hers, and any hesitation on her part is long gone. Haven wraps her legs around me and melts into the kiss as I tug at the belt of her robe.
The material falls open, and I pull back to stare at the beautiful temptress who has captured my soul.
“I thought we were going to eat,” Haven asks, her voice soft with just a hint of nerves.
I smirk as I stare into her eyes.
“Oh, I plan on it. Spread your legs wider for me, Butterfly.”
Haven nibbles her bottom lip but slowly leans back on her elbows as her knees fall to the side, showing me her sweet pussy. My hands slide up her thighs, and she drops her head back, while I rub circles over her clit.
“Eyes on me,” I order. “You’re going to watch.”
She lifts her head, and a soft blush creeps across her cheekbones.
She’s already wet and glistening like an invitation.
Keeping my gaze on her face, I lick all the way up to her clit and then slowly swirl the tip of my tongue.
Haven sucks in a deep breath as I slide my finger inside her, then lick faster, matching the rhythm of my hand.
“Oh god…Cy,” she moans.
Her breasts are still hidden by the robe, teasing me.
“Lay back…let yourself go. I’m going to ruin you.”
“Ruin me from what?”
“Ever wanting anyone else,” I growl, and suck her clit hard.
“Cyrus…oh my god,” Haven cries out as she sprawls on the island.
Then she shocks me when she wraps her legs around my neck and fists my hair, pulling me harder into her core.
I fuck her with my tongue and fingers, feasting on the sounds she makes while her body shakes in ecstasy. I want it all. I want her to come on my tongue and scream my name.
“So good…so fucking good. Come for me, Butterfly. I need you,” I say between licks.
Her breathing quickens, and suddenly her thighs tighten around my head. She can suffocate me right now, and I’ll die a happy man. In fact, this is exactly how I want to go.
Can I add that shit to my will? I’ll have to look into that.
Haven’s body jerks as she comes, and I groan.
“Holy fuck…Cy!”
She goes slack, panting hard. I slowly lift my head, licking my lips as I stare down at the one person I never should’ve wanted. The one person who pushes me to the edge but always drags me back.
“Marry me.”
Haven’s head snaps up.
“What?”
“You heard me. Marry me. Not just for the media, doctors, or whatever other reason. Marry me for real.”
I hold out my hand and help her sit up, then I stand between her legs, staring into her beautiful eyes.
“Cy…we haven’t even talked about all the crap still between us.”
“So,” I say with a shrug. “Do you really see yourself with anyone else?”
She shakes her head, and the ball of tension in my chest releases.
“Well then?”
Her eyes drift to the stack of pancakes that I’ve got on the warmer, and I can tell she’s overthinking my proposal.
“Okay…how about this? We talk about whatever you want. We fight and get everything out in the open. After that, if you can still picture marrying me, then you say yes, preferably before we leave this place.”
She crosses her arms and gives me a coy smirk.
“What if we are leaving today?”
I pluck her off the island and set her on her feet, making her squeal. The joyous sound makes my heart pound faster.
“Then we’d better hurry up and get talking, but first, food.”
I wash my hands as Haven smooths her hair, then I turn on the burner.
“I never would have guessed that you knew how to boil water, let alone cook,” Haven says, taking a piece of bacon from the pile I made before I was distracted.
“I’m a man of many hidden talents,” I say with a wink, and she laughs.
“Are you going to juggle for me next?”
“Only if you have a clown fetish, I don’t know about. Then I’ll rent an outfit, complete with the big red nose.”
That makes her laugh even harder.
“It’s tempting to say, yes, just to see you do that.”
Haven nibbles on the bacon until there is a single bite left. Then, she holds it out for me. Fuck, she is sexy and alluring without even trying. I suck her fingers and the piece of bacon into my mouth, licking her fingers clean as her eyes darken with desire.
“Do you need me to help with anything,” she asks, picking up one of the pill bottles I left out.
I hold my breath waiting for her to say something, but all she does is read it and set it back down.
“You can cut some fruit.”
My eyes follow her as she walks across the kitchen, pulls containers out of the fridge, and places them on the counter.
“So how did you find this place?”
Haven glances at me out of the corner of her eye.
“I own it.”
“No shit.”
She pops a strawberry into her mouth and smiles.
“I rent it out most of the year. I have ten rental properties spread out across the country. And no, my father didn’t pay for them.”
“I wasn’t even going to suggest that. Why real estate?”
She shrugs as I pull out a bowl and crack some eggs before grabbing a whisk.
With a sigh, she turns and looks at me.
“I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to come back.
” A heavy silence falls between us. “It’s always been my dream to run LG Records with my dad, but so much has happened, and not just with you.
My mom left me money in a trust. I got it when I turned twenty-one, and I invested in a New York condo.
It did well, and that was ground zero for what I have now. ”
“Jesus, Haven…you always find ways to amaze me. The band owns a fancy place back in Cali, but other than that…I have the clothes on my back, and I blow through my earnings as if there will always be an endless supply.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
Haven turns back to the fruit, washing and cutting. I expect her to explain her comment, but she doesn’t, forcing me to ask.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you’ve always been like that. You’ve always partied too hard, spent too much, and treated your body, friends, and everything else like it’s all expendable.
You do everything in extremes, fuck the consequences.
It’s part of the reason we’ve always clashed.
When I tried to reel you in, you hated me for it.
But, looking back, I think you’ve always hidden behind the Cyrus Vale rockstar image because it’s easier than dealing with the hard stuff like your emotions. ”
Smack. That is what it feels like. Haven just gut-punched me with words that are far too true. I turn back to what I’m doing. She so easily claws at the ugly parts of me, exposing the truth of who I am at my core.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so harsh.”
“Don’t apologize, you’re right. I did, I do, and I’m not sure how to stop being that person.”
“Do you want to change?”
“Yes.”
Haven touches my arm as I push the eggs and vegetables around in the pan. I stop to look at her.
“Then let me help you.”
Emotion constricts my throat, making it hard to breathe. There is so much love and understanding oozing out of her.
“You’d better go put some clothes on, or I won’t make it through breakfast without laying you out on the table.”
Haven rises on her toes and kisses my cheek.
“One day, you have to stop running and let me in. I don’t scare easily,” she whispers in my ear, before turning and walking away.
My body starts shaking as soon as she leaves, and I’m not sure if it’s from the pain in my joints or the ache in my chest.
I’m a man in the middle of a storm, choking on my grief and pain. Haven has always been the one to throw me a lifeline.
I don’t deserve her.
I never did.
But it matters not. Haven is mine.