39. Abigail – “The easiest way to avoid wrong notes is to never open your mouth and sing. What a mistake that would be.” — Pete Seeger
39
Abigail
“The easiest way to avoid wrong notes is to never open your mouth and sing. What a mistake that would be.” — Pete Seeger
I’m woken from my sleep, and feel like I’m about to fall. I open my eyes, seeing that I’m in Colt’s arms—one arm under my back and one under my knees.
“What are you doing?” I ask, closing my eyes again and curling into him. We ended up coming back to the apartment so he could fuck me senseless, finishing me off and making me cum, twice.
“Sleep with me?” he says.
Sleep with him? Does he even need to ask? I’ve been wondering if he would ever ask me. I’ve been sleeping in my bed in case Bodie came into Colt’s room in the morning looking for him or me since he was doing that more often. I couldn’t help but feel like this was starting to become my own family. I was just waiting for the ball to drop any moment since everything felt so damn perfect.
We still haven’t talked about what we are or where this is going, so until then, I don’t want Bodie to know his dad and I were more than just friends—along with Naomi and the rest of my family, for that matter.
He lays me down in his bed, and I pull the sheet up over my underwear and t-shirt.
“You want me naked?” I tease.
“Yes, please.” He locks his door, walks around the end of his bed, and climbs on the other side.
“I do need some sleep. My muscles ache from all the workouts we’ve been doing.” I sense the playfulness in his tone. “And it’s going to be hard enough trying to hold back when you aren’t naked in my bed.” He lifts his arms, signaling me to come and curl beside him, resting my head against his shoulder. A wave of peace settles over me.
This feels so good.
I run my fingers down his chest and stomach and circle my arm around him, looking up at him in the dark. He and I are at two completely different places in our lives. And somehow fate brought us together.
Written in the stars.
He’s never asked me directly, but I know he wonders what I see in him since we come from totally different planets. I could ask him the same thing. He could have any girl in his arms right now. I'm sure he has a plethora of numbers in his phone that he can dial if he chooses to, but it’s me in his arms right now.
“What are you staring at? ”Colt asks.
I tip my head back down, rubbing my lips over his skin.“I envy you,” I tell him.
“Why?
I shrug. “You just have it so easy. Anyone who’s good-looking does. Even if you didn’t play in the NFL. Life is easy for the petty people. And I wonder what it’s like to have it that easy. To have the confidence. To have yourself figured out. I envy that. Because I feel like I don’t at all.” I told him. He silently listens as I continue on my rant.
“You give the impression you don’t have a care in the world. I, on the other hand, worry about everything. Will I make it through school? Will I be who I want to be and represent the woman I want to portray worldwide? Will I contribute to the world, or will I wind up doing work I’ll eventually tire of and become bitter because deep down I envy those women who can live off their looks? Like my sister, cousins, and even my aunt and mom.” I breathe out a little laugh.
“Sorry, that must sound so pathetic. I just worry about a lot. And sometimes, I wonder if I would be better off if I kept my mouth shut and my head down like I should. Only pretty girls can speak up.”
His arms tighten around me. “Better off or safer?” he says. “I think you’re scared. Because people have worked hard to make you think you aren’t worthy of their attention, Abigail—your parents, your cousins, and it sounds like your ex did too. You gave all those people a chance, and they abused it. And that's their fault, not yours.
He tips my chin up so my eyes meet his.
“Don’t think it has anything to do with who you are. And don’t let anyone make you afraid of yourself. You’re incredible, Abigail.”
My smile peaks out, even though a thousand doubts about where he and I are headed run through my head. I’m taking this moment for this moment. I needed to hear that. Mel and sometimes my sister are the only people who talk me up like this. But coming from Colt, it seems ten times better, especially since I can kiss him too.
“And I became who I am because I got trapped. I had no choice. If I never had Bodie, sometimes I wonder if I would still be in the NFL. Not just Bodie but my mom, too. I knew playing pro was my only ticket out of the cycle my dad caused with producing children and never taking care of them.” He points out.
“I was never going to be a doctor or a lawyer. I wasn’t good at academics like that. I knew how to train and never give up physically or mentally.”
The way he talks reminds me of the disease I battle daily.
“You, sweetheart. Can do anything you put your mind to. You have something far better than looks. You have determination.”
I peered down at my hands before looking back up at him with a crooked smile.“So you never liked football much either?”
He knows what I mean when I say, either, because he gives me a look.
“No, I loved football. It was my only joy until…” I feel his body go rigid in my hold. He trails off, and I know what he means to say.
“Before the incident, football was fun. But then it started to feel like a chore, like I was trapped in this prison that lived in my head. Every game I won, every luxury my money bought me, every praise I received from fans and friends, it got harder each year to feel good about myself when I knew my brother was six feet underground and would never experience any of his accomplishments. Live out his dreams. Be fucking great. Because despite his addiction, he was so smart. So passionate about music…” he trails off again, and I let the silence linger between us. It’s been a while since Colt’s opened up about his brother, and I didn’t want to say anything that may scare him off.
“You envy me, but I envy you.” He stares at the end of the bed. “You still have so much ahead of you, your whole life. You’re not tied to anything.”
My heart sank a little. I wasn’t sure if he was referring to a relationship or that I was kid-free.
“And you have memories with Blake that no one can ever take away from you,” he adds, his voice husky as if trying to keep from crying.
I place a hand on his chest.
“You know, the first time I met Blake, he was eight, no nine. My mom told me we would care for him for a day or two. I know it had to do with my dad being a shit father again. After Blake’s mom died, Cliff had to take more responsibility and those two things, don’t mix.”
I watch my hand move up and down as his chest moves with it. “I just remember he started crying because he missed his mom, and I didn’t do well with crying, so I took him out back and started throwing a football. It cheered him up and took his mind off of things. Then he started opening up and told me about all these songs his mom loved to listen to, so the next day, I took him to a music store and let him pick out anything he wanted.”
“Did he know what you were doing?”A light laugh left me.
“No, I called my mom since I knew nothing about music, especially in a generation I never grew up in.” He cocks his head to the side, remembering that day.
“I guess I never thought of life and what it would be like, if I couldn’t play football. If I didn’t become a young father.”“I take it suits and ties were not in your cards?” We both let silence fill the air for a moment before I continued.“But that doesn’t mean you can’t take me out on a date wearing a suit.”
His thumb brushes my thigh up and down, and I know what he’s thinking. He can’t take me out unless it’s somewhere discreet. Not only was he my cousin's ex, but he’s also an NFL player. I don't see that happening unless he wanted everyone to know we were together. I take a deep breath and push the thought to the back of my mind, not wanting to ruin this moment that may never happen again.
“When I first saw you, I’m not going to lie, your body blew me away. I wanted to touch it, so bad” he says.
“Is that all I am to you, a hot body?” Interjected.
“No, it wasn’t until you passed the test that made me want to do more than just touch you.”
“Test?”
“Yeah, you said, you got it. As in, you didn’t want all my help. You didn’t want to use me for my money, or fame, even if I tried, you wouldn’t let me”
I smile and slip off my panties, swinging a leg over him to straddle him. He exhales, gripping my hips. “But it wasn’t until all the build-up over every little thing you did that really got an going. Arguing with me about who pays what. Giving your opinion on things. Handing it to me when you think I needed to hear it,” he laughs.
“You make my heart pound so hard, it hurts Abigail. You. Your heart and who you are. Not just your body. But it all does make me want to touch you, and riding you is like being on a roller coaster ride. It’s so fucking fun that I never want it to end.” He meets my eyes and tucks my hair behind my ear.
“Do you regret me? Do you regret this?”
I freeze, thrown off by his question. “It’s ok. You can be honest, even if it’s just a small part of you. I’ll understand.”
I lean down, planting a hand down on his chest. “I regret the day I couldn’t stop staring at you, even after I found out you were Blake’s asshole older brother,” I say with a hint of playfulness.
“How I love the way you don’t say much, but when you do, you’re brutally honest, blunt. I regret the way my stomach flips when I hear you coming down the stairs when I’m in the kitchen, and I know I’m about to see you.” I rub my hand up his chest and over his neck. “And I regret how I had to get myself off in the shower when you weren’t around because I couldn’t stop fantasizing about how great this would be, and now that I know, I’m even more turned on when I know you are home.”
He arches his hips a little, pressing his cock up against me.
“ I regret that I would do nothing different. I couldn’t not feel this. Regardless of you being Blake's brother. I know the stars aligned, so we had to meet.”
I let my hair fall on my naked back as I let my gaze stare down at him. His cock swells underneath me. And I start rolling my hips, grinding on him.
“You’re trying to kill me, and the season hasn’t even started yet,” his voice low and husky when he speaks. I run my fingers through my hair as I grind on him. Feeling his hands run all over me as he cups my breasts, I soak up this moment. I am beautiful. I let him make me feel like the goddess I am now.
I make him hard.
I turn him on.
Not in a million years would I think this gorgeous, beautiful, famous football player would want me. “Stop feeling so good, and I’ll control myself,” I say through a breath as I continue to ride him.
“Never stop, Sweetheart.” I kiss him, feeling the stubble around his mouth. He feels like home.
I can’t love you. Do I love you?
No, it’s an impulse, but why does it feel right to say it now? Am I just being emotional? Should I? Feeling warmth spread across my body as my orgasm creeps in closer.
“I love you,” I whisper so softly. I hope he doesn’t hear me because the second it leaves my mouth, my stomach tightens, and regret sits in.
“Abigail, God,” he gasps, kissing me deeper. “What are you doing to me?”
“The same thing you are doing to me.” His phone starts ringing, and we try to hold on to the kiss and ignore it, but reluctantly, he finally sighs and pulls away. Picking up the phone, he looks at the screen. “Shit.”
I kiss his cheek and nibble at his jaw. “Hold on,” He sits up, and I hurry off him, letting him take the call. He swings his legs off the bed, and I can tell his demeanor has changed.
“Hey,” he says, getting up to walk away. As he walks away, I can only hear a loud voice on the other end as he walks further. I see him straighten his back and run a hand through his hair.
When he walks back over to me, I ask who it is, considering the time of night, and for a second, my heart stops as he sits there. Maybe Naomi and they still talked. He still cared for her as more than just friends.
But when he finally speaks. “My fucking dad,” comes out.