44. Abigail – “Without music, life would be a mistake.” —Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols
44
Abigail
“Without music, life would be a mistake.” —Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols
The following day, I was sore everywhere, so I decided to give my body a break and sleep in. I hoped to catch Cole before he left to take Bodie to football camp and ask him about last night.
Was he mad about Jared? Or was he still angry at the video? Or both. Maybe he thinks none of that would have happened if he hadn’t taken the video of us in the first place. My head was pounding, and the confusion made it that much worse.
Blake's room was pretty much done, so I wanted to ask Colt about the journal I found. From the looks of it, he should at least listen to it or read it with me.
I walk into the kitchen, and it’s unnervingly quiet. I immediately feel something is off. I hear the toilet flush and see Cliff exit the bathroom around the corner.
“Hey there, well, your face isn’t as swollen as I thought it would be,” he says as he opens the refrigerator.
Not in the mood to deal with Cliff, I asked, “ Have you seen Colt this morning? Or did they already go to football practice?” I looked at the clock, and there was no way they had already left since it was an hour before they had to be there.
“No, they went back home.”
My heart drops down to my stomach, and for a second, I feel like I can’t breathe.
“What?”
“Yeah, he told me the renovations are done, so he headed back there to check on them. He said he might as well prepare things because he’s leaving for this football season earlier than expected. He got a call from his agent, and they need him back early to work with the new receivers they have this season. He said he had to leave in a few weeks, so he might as well head out there.”
Why wouldn’t he have told me that?. Was he not planning on telling me any of it? “You okay?” Cliff’s voice breaks my spell of thoughts.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”
Cliff opens a protein bar and takes a bite of it. I hear him chew loudly, which causes me to look up since I don’t know how someone can make smacking noises with a chewy protein bar.
“You want some advice?” He points the protein bar in my direction.
“Not really.”
He moves around to the island and pulls out a chair. He sits, and I walk up to the fridge to grab a water bottle.
“Colt is pretty broken. And the only real love he’s ever had has been football. He runs to it when he doesn’t want to face the truth. Honestly, I’m surprised he finally cleared out Blake's room.” He takes another bite of his protein bar as I twist the cap off my water bottle and take a long swig, hoping he’s done talking.
“That was a big step for him, but I’m sure it’s messing with his emotions and all kinds of shit. Who knows. Then, there was dealing with that guy last night, who I assume was an ex.” He dips his chin, eyeing me.
I nod. “Yeah, a real piece of work is what I like to call him.”
He resumes chewing, “right, so he’s just doing what he does best. Playing football. And can you blame him?”
I watch Cliff as he brushes the crumbs off his shirt, takes a swig of his orange juice, and then lets out a long belch.
“Excuse me.” He pounds on his chest with his fist to get the last of it out. “You can pull some good-looking guys. I will give you that. But I’ve always told my boys that the mediocre-looking chicks try harder in bed. And I’m sure you’re good with that mouth and lips of yours.” He winks. “I see why he may have wanted to keep you around longer and got tangled up in the idea of you, or drama, which is one thing Colt doesn’t do. The boy would rather lose to the Dallas Cowboys than deal with drama. He’s always been some dreamy pessimist or some shit.”
“He’s an Aquarius.”
“Huh?”
“He’s like air. That’s why he runs from stuff. He drifts through life, and he doesn’t just run. He avoids it altogether.”
“Oh, that zodiac crap. I never believed in all that witchy-bogus.” He waves me off with his hand.
In my head, I had already started sizing Cliff up and pinpointing what zodiac sign he was. I bet he was also an air sign or a Leo, just like Josh.
“Anyway, if you’re worried about not seeing Colt before he leaves, I’m sure he’ll tap that a few more times before he jets. He has my blood running through his veins, so I can almost bet on it, sugar.” he licks his lips and eyes me up and down.
I’m wearing my usual jogging gear, and I'm not sure if Cliff was aware of how pitiful he came off or he was just that oblivious to how repulsive he was since he thought women actually wanted him. “I have no idea what Blake saw in you.” I say under my breath.
Cliff is peeling a banana he grabbed from the fruit basket in the middle of the island, but he stops the second. I say Blake’s name.
“Blake? You knew, Blake?”
“Yeah, and now that I’ve met you, I agree with Colt. There’s nothing about you to idolize except your million-dollar smile and sperm. You got good genetics, I’ll give you that.”
All the children I know of anyway. I’ve met three of the Killian brothers, who were all model-good-looking. “But to dedicate a whole song about you just shows how little he knew you.”
I’m starving and don’t want to walk off, but this feeling of hunger is nothing compared to the questions eating me alive. I walk out the back door, letting the screen door slam shut behind me, not caring to see the dumbfounded expression on Cliff’s face. Before I said anything else, I needed to get out of the kitchen and away from that man.
Right when I walk into my room, I notice the time on the clock—11:11 am.
Please, Blake, give me the strength to listen to this CD and get through it without breaking down.
I wanted to produce this for him. If I knew Blake, I know that the CD at the back of this journal would answer all the questions I’ve been asking for years. Now, the real question is, will I be able to handle the truth?
I lie on my bed as I go through the notebook, trying to recite the words and the beats he created for each chorus. There were eleven different songs.
Eleven . Of course, there were eleven songs. It was the number that tied us together, after all. Completely in the zone, a knock startled me to my feet. I look over at the clock, and it’s 11:40 now. Before I can say come in, Cliff is opening the apartment door.
“Hey,” he says. “I hope I’m not bothering you,”
“No, I just came in here, shut my door, to do nothing important.” I narrowed my eyes at him.
“I was going to see if you wanted to come with me to pick up Bodie.”
My body relaxes at the mention of his name. “Why are you picking up Bodie?”
“Colt asked me too.” Cliff looks down at the ground before returning to meet my gaze. “And Colt said I needed to start taking part in being a grandpa if I’m going to stick around and get a job here in town. Plus, being around all those young kids will be good for me. I need to get used to the environment if I’m going to coach football for kids.”
“Well, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. Not after you implied that I’m not good enough for your son.” I turned over on my belly, kicked my legs in the air, and resumed what I was doing.
Cliff takes a long breath, and I hear the door close behind him.
“Look, I’m not good at this.”
“Good at what?” I flipped back around, sitting upright, and crossed my arms.
“Talking, words, communicating. I may not have been around like I should have been, but I know Colt. And I know the only reason he’s helping me out now is because it will be a reflection on him if he kicks out his dad. It will be a bad look for his reputation.”
“Not if you don’t go to the press.” I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly.
“I don’t need to for the word to get out. I’m an ex-NFL player and a father to a current one. And my point is Colt, well, he’s his worst enemy, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He’s got a good heart. Better than mine anyway, and even if he’s trying to keep his distance from you, I know he wouldn’t want that for Bodie.”
“How can you be so sure? Thought you sucked at communicating.”
“Because Bodie raved on and on about you this morning. And how he wants to invite you to Colt’s first game of the season. And that he still wants to see you and learn the guitar, just a bunch of stuff. And Colt didn’t tell him no, not once.”
My heart filled like a balloon, and I felt like it would pop any minute. Why did it feel like Colt and I were in a co-parenting relationship? How did it even get to this point?
“Fine, I can go, but I’m only doing it for Bodie.”
Cliff’s small smile spreads slowly across his face. He knew my words were bullshit, and I knew they were too. Regardless if Colt is leaving soon, that shouldn’t mean Bodie has to suffer. I grew attached to him and he to me, and I’ll be damned if Colt takes the closest thing Bodie’s had to a mom.
“Whatever you say, Miss Abigail. We need to leave in twenty minutes. You think you’ll be ready by then?”
“Yeah, I just have to get dressed.”
“No makeup?” His thick eyebrows scrunch together as he stares at me. I tilt my head to the side, glaring at him. I thought Colt was bad, this guy has no filter and runs on stupid.
“No, no. That came out wrong. I didn’t mean it like that. Oh, shit,” he runs a hair through his thinning hair. “Jesus, I told you I’m not good at this stuff.” He sucks in a deep breath before letting it out. “I mean, you don’t wear makeup? Most girls I’ve been with won’t leave the house without it.”
I shrugged. “It’s a waste of time. I’ll still be me, but only in color.”
He blinks rapidly, taken back by my response, and for once he doesn’t have a comeback. He’s just silent.
“I do want to talk about something with you on the drive there if that’s okay,” I tell him.
“Yeah, sure. What did you want to talk about?” Cliff asks.
“Blake and his mom.”
After picking up Bodie, we headed to Colt’s house. Bodie was so excited to see me, and it lifted my spirits briefly. I’m not sure why I was so nervous, but the closer we approached our destination on the GPS, the harder it was for me to focus on everything Bodie told me about football and the guitar Colt let him keep, which I assumed was Blake’s since we found that one in his room.
As Cliff pulled into the driveway, my eyes widened. For a guy who makes millions a year, he had a lovely house, but I figured it would be a mansion, but it wasn’t. Don't get me wrong, it's a good-sized home, but he wasn’t showing off to the world by any means. His house was in a neighborhood where the houses were spread apart, giving him more privacy. There were beautiful trees in the back that surrounded his pool. I can see the grill and TV from here. It was one of those backyards perfect for entertaining or enjoying the night outside in the hot tub or pool. An image of Colt and I making love in the hot tub flashes in my mind, but I shake it away as quickly as it comes.
I see why Naomi wanted me out of the way. If this is what she got used to, then I know she wasn’t about to give it up.
“You want to see my room, Abigail?” Bodie says as we get out of the car.
“Yeah, sure.”
Cliff called Colt on the way here, and he told him to walk inside when he arrived. He knew I was with him since Bodie blurted it out while Cliff was on the Bluetooth connection in the car with his son. If he was disappointed or annoyed, he hid it well since his voice didn’t stammer, not even a little bit.
Bodie drops his bag with all his football gear on the floor as soon as we walk in. The house was well decorated, maybe even professionally. The ceilings were high, and a row of large glass windows lined the back of the house so you could see the view of the backyard from every angle. It was the most oversized Island I had ever seen in the middle of a kitchen. His backsplash consisted of red Brick behind his stove, and a substantial stainless steel refrigerator was custom-made.
“C’mon,” Bodie grabs my hand and pulls me up the stairs. I wasn’t sure where Colt’s room was, but I hoped it was downstairs to give me room to breathe before I saw him.
“This is my Spider-Man figurine. My dad got it for me from Disney World.” Is the first thing Bodie says when we walk into his room.
It was a real-life-looking Spider-Man who stood by the window.
“Yeah, I see that,” I say with a chuckle. “He’s super cool and realistic,” I tell him.
“He is, but now I’m super into the guitar. Will you continue to teach me how to play? Dad said I could keep this one, but he said I had to be extra careful since it was my Uncle Blake’s.”
I stared down at the guitar, and memories of Blake holding it in his arms, with his long jet-black hair, came rushing back, warming my heart as if someone had wrapped me in a blanket.
“Of course,” my voice cracks.
Keep it together, Abigail
“As long as it’s okay with your dad. I’d be happy to continue to teach you.”
“Okay! I’m going to get a snack. You want a snack. Hildegard probably made some yummy ones.”
“Hildegard?” I raise an eyebrow at him.
“Ya, she’s our nanny and makes me snacks.”
It doesn't shock me that they had a live-in nanny. Colt is often gone, and his mom is the only one who helps him.
“Okay, yeah, let's go get a snack.” With the nerves bouncing around in my stomach, I wasn’t even the slightest bit hungry, but I figured this would be an excellent time to talk to Colt.
Bodie and I walk downstairs, and he leads me into the kitchen. Sure enough, a middle-aged woman is wiping down the counters. From all the new appliances and how the kitchen was designed, this was a modern home with gadgets and high-end technology—just another reminder of how different Colt and I are. I liked simple things and was used to it. I never grew up with cable, let alone all the fancy stuff. I always told myself less is more, but right now, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to live here. To be claimed by Colt Killian.
“Hi, Hildegard. This is Abigail. My friend, did you make any snacks today?”
She smiled, and you could tell she was one of those women who genuinely loved to be needed. A nurturing spirit spread across her, and I immediately started sizing up her zodiac sign.
Cancer? No, maybe she’s a Pisces.
“Of course, have a seat, dear.” I heard her accent as soon as she spoke, and it sounded Russian or German like it was somewhere in Europe. She was probably in her mid-forties, but I only guessed that because a few straggling hairs dangled from her bun over her face that appeared grayish tint. Her skin was smooth except for a few lines around her eyes.
“What would you like?” She pulls out a tray of fruit with fun-shaped sandwiches.
“Uh, fruit’s fine,” I tell her to be polite. “Where is your restroom?” I ask. And she points around the corner.
“Okay, thanks. I’ll be right back.” I kiss Bodie on the forehead, and I’m not even sure why, but loving him has become second nature to me. Similar to the affection I felt for his dad, but unlike Colt, he doesn’t run from my love.
I see Cliff outside on one of the lawn chairs, talking on the phone as he sips on a beer. Once I reached the restroom, I stepped over and headed straight to the cracked door. I knew it had to be the master bedroom because it was away from all the noise, just as Colt would have liked it.
I knock once before opening it and closing it behind me. He’s folding clothes, and I immediately spot the packed suitcase on the ground.
He peers up at me, and he’s so damn beautiful it’s hard for me not to run into his arms and beg him to take me with him.
“Hi,” he says softly, which surprises me at first. Never knowing his mood, I figured he’d be mad I was invading his space.
“Hi,” I say back. Placing my hands to the side of me, not sure what to do with them. “So, were you going to tell me you were leaving before you left?”
He drops one of the shirts to the bed and runs a hand through his hair.
“I didn’t want to make it a big deal or worse. Especially in front of Bodie. He has grown attached to you.”
“Oh, so he’s the only one who has?” Colt’s long face would have grown even sadder if it were possible.
“Sorry,” is all he manages to say.
I’d been on the verge of tears all day, but suddenly, I felt a different emotion. Anger. I placed my hands on my hips.
“Really? Sorry, so is it just him you’re sorry about hurting? Did you ever think you might be hurting someone else?”
Colt blew out a jagged breath as he rubbed the back of his neck.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you one-on-one, but I had to leave early this morning and return to the house.”
“So what you’re sorry for is telling me in an inopportune way?” My voice rose above a shriek.
“My agent called, and they need me earlier than expected.”
I scoffed. “I’m no expert, but I call bullshit. I’m not an idiot. I feel like that was a choice you made. And I want to know why. Why would you end things like this?”
“You’re right. It’s a choice, and I chose to go back early to help out the new receivers.”
I shook my head. He still wasn’t looking at me, so I made a bold move and decided to close the distance between us.
“Look at me. Tell me the real reason you are going back.”
He raises his eyes, and they flicker back and forth between mine before he closes them and takes a deep breath.
“I’m leaving because things between me and you need to end.”
Sadness wrapped around my heart and squeezed out all the anger. I did my best to blink back the sting of tears, but I wasn’t sure if I could keep them at bay for too long.
“Why?” My voice sounded like a fuzzy radio station. Cracked and barely audible.
“I’m not right for you, Abigail. You moved back to Missouri to go to medical school. Be close to your sister and pursue your dreams. Give yourself the life you deserve. That life is here for the taking. And it doesn’t include me.”
A tear spilled down my cheek.
“But what about-about Bodie?” I clung to anything to make him stop and rethink this.
“Bodie is my son.”
I placed a hand over my heart as if I was physically stabbed.
“I know he got close to you over the summer. I won’t deny that. But he is just a kid. He can’t make my decisions for me. Besides, you and I both got caught up in the heat of the moment, which isn’t his fault, so I’m allowing you two to see one another.”
Another tear snuck up and strolled down my cheek before hitting the ground.
“I care about you, Abigail. I do, but what happened between you and me was a mistake. It only happened because we both were…around each other. It should have never happened. I should have kept my dick in my pants and never fucked the girl my dead brother cared about.”
It felt like someone had slapped me across the face twice. Saying it had to end was one thing, but regretting it and saying this was a mistake was another altogether.
I took two steps back. “A mistake,” I say softly.
“You deserve to have someone by your side day in and day out. Not some asshole ex that wants to use you and not someone like me who’s gone half the year. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have dreams. I’ll be retiring soon and busy starting a business or milking all my sore muscles. You don’t want that. And I don’t want any more kids, and who knows if I’ll ever get married. At least not to a girl that’s tied to my brother.”
I stand there, not moving. I think I blink, but I’m so in shock that I feel numb.
“You can be there for Bodie all you want. I don’t want to have another woman walk out of his life. I won’t do that to him. But you and me. It was never going to last. We live two very different lives. And I don’t want to be tied down while on the road. It never works. It’s why all the married guys on the team move their family to the city where their home team is.”
“Oh, okay, I see,” I say softly.
He looked down again.
“I’m sorry, Abigail.” Colt stepped forward with his arms out as if he were going to console me, but there was no way I would let him do that. As it was, I was already on the verge of breaking down. I just needed to get the hell out of here. So I put my hand on his chest and shoved him away.
“Don’t. I’ll be fine.” The all-too-familiar feeling of leaving, of surviving entirely alone, engulfed me, filling my veins and turning me cold. Venomous. Toxic.
I lifted my chin high, even though I could feel the tears dripping down my face.
“I wish I never met you.”
Because then I wouldn’t have to know what living without you is like.
“Goodbye, Colt.”