46. Colt – “Music does a lot of things for a lot of people. It’s transporting, for sure. It can take you right back, years back, to the very moment certain things happened in your life. It’s uplifting
46
Colt
“Music does a lot of things for a lot of people. It’s transporting, for sure. It can take you right back, years back, to the very moment certain things happened in your life. It’s uplifting, it’s encouraging, it’s strengthening.” — Aretha Franklin
Coach Bently asked me to come to his house after camp. He was quiet as he let me in the front door. I followed him into the kitchen, suspecting he wanted to ring me out for a less-than-stellar performance on the field today. His kids grabbed a drink from the fridge, eyeing me, then their dad, and the look on their faces told me they even knew this wouldn’t be good. His wife arranged pictures on the wall, ensuring they looked symmetrical. Kathy was a sweetheart and always treated me like a long-lost friend or a family member. I hugged her, and when we separated, I saw Coach give her a look before she made herself scarce. Yup, I was definitely about to get chewed out on top of having my ass handed to me on a gold platter. And he wanted to do it in private. Sure enough, after he had passed me a beer, he took a seat and laid it on me.
“Okay, what the hell is going on with you, Killian?”
I pulled out a chair and sat down. “I know. I’m sorry,”
“You missed an open receiver downfield. And that’s not the first time that’s happened lately, either. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but you better get your head out of your ass before the season starts. We have a good chance of making it to the Super Bowl with this team, and I’ll be damned if some piece of ass fucks that up for us.”
I’ve learned the hard way over the years that he eventually figured it out whenever I tried to hide something from him. So, trying to convince him this wasn’t about a girl seemed pointless. Besides, Coach Bently had become like a father to me, and I felt comfortable admitting the truth. He deserved that, primarily when my actions would affect his bottom line and the teams.
“Yeah, you’re right. I just haven’t been able to shake it. I thought being away and distancing myself would help, but it hasn’t.”
“So it is about a girl?” He raises his brow. “Is this about Naomi? Is she giving you a hard time? And I thought you guys were on a break?”
“I wish that’s what this was about,” I mutter.
“If it ain’t that? Then, the only other thing that gets to you like this is your brother. But it’s been years. I don’t know what would trigger you to bring him in your head on the field now.”
Oh, just his high school crush who was living under my roof who I just so happened to have the best sex of my life with.
He took a sip of his beer.
“It’s complicated,” I said.
“What’s her name?” he asked, and I exhaled.
“Abigail.”
“Isn’t that the name of that girl in the video that went viral on the internet?”
“Yes,” I bit out.
His head tilted as he began to figure it out.
“Your ex-girlfriend’s cousin?”
“Yes,” I answered under my breath. “And Blakes's high school crush.”
“Oh shit,” he shook his head and took a long gulp of beer. Over the next several minutes, I told him everything, and when I was done, Coach remained silent for several seconds before I started speaking again.
“I know what you're going to s-”
He held out his hand.
“Not so fast. You think I’m going to tell you to forget it and move on, and tell you to get your shit together, it’s only a piece of ass. But I know it’s not as easy as it sounds when a woman messes with your head.”
I run a hand through my hair. “What’s the solution? How do I fix this shit then?”
“Well, that’s up to you, but I doubt it entails messing around with a kid. If she knows your brother, she can’t be over twenty.”
“She’s twenty-one.” I clarified.
“Either way, she’s young, and she’s your ex’s cousin, and it’s probably best you leave that where it started.” He takes another long sip. “But what this proves is that you need companionship. Maybe you’ve outgrown the bachelor life. Fucking those Barbie types. There comes a time when every man needs a good woman to come home to. Probably the only thing that will get your mind off a woman that’s not right for you or you can’t have is to find a better one and claim her for yourself. Which shouldn’t be hard to do. Your Bolt Colt. And if you ask me, I thought Naomi was surely the one you would put a ring on it. She was a knockout. A real class A of a woman.”
My first thought was there wasn’t a better one. He doesn’t know that Naomi may be pretty on the outside, but she is nothing compared to Abigail. As much as I appreciated this advice, a part of me knew I wouldn’t take it. I had no interest in starting a relationship with anyone else, including Naomi. Despite the facts, what had happened between Abigail and me felt natural and organic. She felt like home, and I hadn’t felt that way in a long time. Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever felt that way at all about a woman. And that couldn’t be replicated.
“I appreciate your advice, but that’s not something I’m interested in right now.”
“Okay, well, on to plan B.” he slams his beer can on the table.
“And what’s that?”
“Kicking your ass so you wake the fuck up. Because we can’t have this shit continuing into the season. You got it, Killian? I’m serious.” He glared at me.
I tilt my head back in frustration, rubbing my eyes.
“I promise. I’ll figure this out. I won’t let you down, Coach.”
Although it had felt good to unload on Coach Bently, I was still in a shitty mood when I arrived at my house that night. I always missed Bodie when I was away, but this house felt even more cold and empty without a woman’s presence. Abigail's presence. I hadn’t realized how bad it was until I got back here. I had expensive things in this condo. But my home life here is non-existent in Arizona. Because it wasn’t the things that made a home, it was the people in it. For whatever reason, it at least seemed manageable before Abigail. And talking about her today messed with my head even more. I’ve been trying to forget, like I do with all the girls I come across, but the more effort I put in, the more it seems to screw with my game. Speaking about the situation aloud made me feel even worse about how I left things with her. I’ve had multiple opportunities to get lost in my thoughts, drawing them out with other women, but I have no desire to go there. I had no desire to have sex with any other woman, not right now. I guess I wasn't ready to move on even though I told Abigail to do just that, move on. Instead, I would close my eyes at night and imagine her smell, being close to her, holding her. Then I’d get sick thinking another guy was doing those same things to her. I’m a grown-ass man, but that doesn't matter because when you’re down this low, there is typically only one person who can make it better. Picking up my phone, I scroll down to her name. After a few rings, she picked up.
“Colt?”
“Hey Momma, what’s going on?”
“Oh, just finished eating dinner, and Bodie is upstairs getting his pajamas on. We had dinner early this evening since Hildegard wasn’t feeling well. I sent her home and made myself useful.”
“Oh yeah?”
“You sound tired,” she says. Another way of saying I sound like shit.
“Yeah, it’s been pretty hectic around here,” I tell her. “Where is Bodie now?”
“Coming down the stairs as we speak.”
“Put him on. I want to speak to him before he goes to bed,”
I hear some faint noises before I hear. “Hey, Dad!” The sound of his voice goes straight to my heart.
“Hey, Bodie Bear, what’s going on?”
“Oh, nothing much, just hanging out with grandma. I miss you, dad.”
“I miss you too.” I shut my eyes. “So much. Wish you were here.”
“Abigail came by and taught me some more cool notes on the guitar. Is that why you called?”
“No, I didn’t know anything about that. But I bet you sound amazing playing it. I can’t wait to hear it when I come home in a few weeks.”
“Ya, Abigail said I sounded just as good as my uncle, and if I kept practicing, I could be even better than him.”
“That’s awesome, bud,” I say through a chuckle.
“I wish you were here. Abigail seemed happier, and everything seemed more fun. We all could be watching a movie right now.”
His words were a swift kick to the gut. I knew Bodie got close to Abigail over the summer, but not this attached.
“I'd much rather be there with you, too.”
“Grandma only lets me watch cartoons, not even the animated kind.”
I heard my mom say some words in the background, but I didn’t realize I fell silent until I heard Bodie say, “Are you there?”
“Yeah, bud, I’m here. Where is Abigail tonight? Did you guys go over to the lake house?”
“No, she doesn’t live there anymore. Grandpa had been coming to see me, and she was with him. He told me they were working on some album.”
While it brought me some relief to know she was still coming around, I had no idea she had moved out of the apartment already. That must mean my dad was staying there, which made sense. My real estate agent called me a few times asking me if we needed to update the ads to a four-bedroom house instead of a three-bedroom.
This is what I had expected to happen, what needed to happen, but I’d never get used to the idea. We talked for a few more minutes before Bodie put my mom back on the phone.
She must have read my mind because she lowered her voice. “I don’t know when Abigail officially moved out, but when I went over there, because Bodie wanted to let her hear a song he’s been practicing, she wasn’t there. Cliff gave me her number when I told him I needed to contact her because Bodie wanted to play a song for her. That’s when Cliff told me they’ve been working on some album together. And that’s the only reason why he had Abigail’s number. Not sure what that’s about, but I didn’t even ask. Knowing your father it could all be a bunch of bullcrap.”
“Your guess is as good as mine, Momma. I haven’t talked to Cliff much. I’m still not too happy he’s unloading on me again.”
“Well, it doesn’t shock me. Narcissism does exist.”
My mom resents my dad after all these years, but I can’t blame her. He left her to take care of me all by herself. Once, he stopped over, gave her a hundred bucks, and told her it was for child support, and now she could lay off his back. I’ll never forget the look on my mom's face, which was more of a slap to the face than anything.
There was a brief silence before I asked, “So, how is Abigail?” My heart pounded as I waited for her answer. My mom has seen her and was a pro at reading people.
“She seems okay, a little less distracted each time I see her. She must be busy because I have to remind that girl to eat. She looks thinner and thinner each week, so I invited her over to eat some of my famous chicken.”
“That’s nice of you momma. When will she be over?”,
“Well, she told me she would let me know for sure a day before.”
My heart sank. I remembered her eating disorder. Could I be the trigger to all that, or was it just the stress of school and work?
“Have you talked to her recently?”
That’s my mom’s way of asking what happened with us. My mom liked Abigail. I knew the day I brought her over by how she looked at her with a twinkle in her eye and how she talked and stayed with her on the porch. My mom never did that with Naomi. But I was not in the mood to rehash all the details again.
“Not since I left Missouri.”
“Does that have anything to do with that video Bodie posted?”
I take in a deep breath. “No,” I say as I exhale. “Not at all. Or Naomi, because I know that’s what you’ll ask next.”
“Oh, I know she’s not the reason.” My mom laughs lightly.
“The reason for what?”
“You think I don’t know my son after almost thirty years?”
I closed my eyes as I rest my head on the couch.
“When are you going to free yourself from the past, son? It’s not your fault.”
“Did Dad say something to you? Where is this all coming from?”
“No, he doesn’t have to. The only thing he mentioned is that you and Miss Abigail cleaned out Blake’s room.”
There was a brief silence before she said, “I’m proud of you. I think that was very brave, and I know it may have brought back negative emotions, but sometimes, we need to push through those dark, heavy clouds to see the brighter side of things. The sunshine. Besides, it’s your father who needs to feel the guilt, not you. Blake was never your responsibility.”
“Yeah, that’s what you keep saying.”
“Because it’s the truth.”
“That doesn’t mean we know if he meant to do that. Suppose there was something we missed. The signs. How do we know we didn’t see them? Maybe it was my fault. I mean, brothers should feel that sort of thing or sense it.”
When I mentioned signs, I immediately thought of Abigail and her big book, which I read with all the explanations and descriptions of zodiac signs and the most compatible ones. I looked up hers and mine, and the title of what we were still flashes in my mind occasionally.
Nothing Short of Amazing
“Take this as your sign,” my mom says, snapping me out of it. “Don’t do what you always do. Abigail is different, and you may regret not knowing just how special she is.” I could hear the twinkle in Mom’s voice. She was always full of such hope, and if it weren’t for her faith and dedication, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
“Okay, Mom. It was good talking to you.”
“You too, honey. Don’t be a stranger now. You can always call me, not only when you want to Facetime Bodie, either.”
“Thanks for making me feel guilty.”
“It’s my job, I’m your mother.” She says sternly but with a hint of playfulness.
I roll my eyes.
“I know you rolled your eyes at me.”
I can’t help but smile. “Goodnight, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
Although the light fluttery feelings lingered for a few minutes after I got off the phone with Mom, the guilt and anxiety started to creep back in once I was alone with my thoughts. So I decided to self-medicate with a bit of Jack Daniels tonight, knowing I’d regret it in the morning.