Chapter 17 Lara #2
And more importantly, why did I suddenly care? Why did I care about what he said? And why did I want to know the truth of his words that were supposed to be only lies?
“We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it,” she said and tapped my shoulder. “Go reflect on what happened today, and be sure to give Calder time in solitude before you come together again to review your reflections.”
She left me alone in the clearing, Matthew appearing less than a minute later to escort me back to the campsite.
When we reached the bathrooms, he left me to make my way to the tent on my own, mumbling something about needing to bring another couple to the Sanctuary.
I wasn’t far down the path before I caught Sarah coming out of her tent.
Her face was beet red, and she repeatedly swiped the back of her hand over her cheeks.
As I got closer, I heard the sobs she tried to stifle.
“Sarah,” I called softly so Matthew and whoever else might be around wouldn’t hear, and went over to her.
She turned and hiccuped. “Lara.”
“What’s wrong?” I took her hands in mine.
“I’m okay.” Another hiccup. “This is just . . . a lot.” Her gaze lowered. Participants weren’t supposed to talk to each other about their relationships or their sessions.
“I know, but it’s a process,” I coaxed. “We’re not meant to tackle everything on our own from the very beginning.
” I mirrored the same mothering tone Dr. Julia used, not because I wanted to deceive the poor woman in front of me, but because I worried about her the way I worried about my sister.
Worried that her pain was being taken advantage of, her weakness abused for someone else’s desires.
“You’re right.” Sarah’s trembling breath rushed out, followed by a grateful smile.
“Trent and I are . . . really having a hard time. He’s just so selfish, and I try to please him but—” She caught herself.
“Dr. Julia said pleasing each other is a two-way street and that I’m so deficient in .
. . being pleased that I might need a special program. ”
It took everything I had to keep my voice steady as I asked, “A special program?”
She gave a sad laugh and placed her hand on top of mine.
“Nothing that you need, don’t worry. The way Calder looks at you .
. . like he could eat you for every meal and still be starved.
” She clapped her hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry.
I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just . .
. Trent has never looked at me that way. ”
Because you’ve never been in a fake relationship with him, I thought but kept the falsehood to myself.
“So, she wants you to leave the retreat?”
Sarah nodded. “She said I need to gain confidence in myself, in my own needs and desires, and that’s what the program specializes in. A community dedicated to women’s pleasure. Can you imagine?” Her wistful sigh gutted me.
“What program is Dr. Julia referring you to?” I tried to focus her.
“She said it’s very exclusive. Very private.” She lowered her voice, her eyes sliding side to side with worry and uncertainty.
“Sarah—”
“I’m not sure I’m going to go. I’m not sure about anything right now. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Dr. Julia said not to—”
Shit. My palms went damp. I was losing her. And suddenly, my desperation took over.
“I think my sister went there, that’s why I’m asking,” I said calmly, and the risk instantly paid off.
Her breath caught. “Really? She went to Eden’s Children?”
Eden’s Children.
EC.
My heart rocket-launched into my chest. “She . . . just got there, so I haven’t heard from her.”
Sarah nodded. “Dr. Julia said it was even more sequestered than this because of the intensity and . . . nature of the community.” She bit her bottom lip.
“I’m worried I’m going to get there and panic or freeze.
She said I have to go with a completely open mind and a hunger for something better for myself.
I know I’m nervous to be intimate with Trent, but to explore”—her voice lowered to a whisper—“sex with multiple partners . . . I’m worried I’m not ready. ”
Multiple partners? My pulse started to levy a low thudding sound in my ears.
“She was very up front about it, and all the legal consents, insurance, NDAs, and the costs involved, but that’s not even what’s holding me back.
It’s the kinds of sex and pleasure . . .
” Was this a self-help program or a sex club?
“But Dr. Julia said that’s the point. That I’m not ready and that going will force me to be ready to embrace wild, unrestricted pleasure. ”
The words came from Sarah, but they were steeped in Dr. Julia’s mindset.
Was it brainwashing? Coercion? Was it wrong, what Dr. Julia was suggesting? Sarah clearly had self-esteem and traumatic relationship problems. Was Dr. Julia taking advantage of that to get her to this compound, or was it really something she believed would help?
“You have to do what’s right for you,” I told her firmly.
“She said Ben could take me tomorrow morning to the Garden.”
Ben?!
“What’s going on—” A low voice boomed through the trees, echoed by the heavy footfalls of Matthew’s uneven gait.
I breezed through an excuse. “I was on my way back from the bathroom and I saw Sarah crying. I just wanted to make sure she was okay.”
Matthew’s stare chiseled into mine before he reluctantly accepted my explanation. “You should be out reflecting. Alone.”
“Of course.” I nodded, and after passing a reassuring smile in Sarah’s direction, I turned and walked quickly toward my tent.