Chapter 37 Lara #2
“I’m the one who should be sorry.” She took my hand in hers, both of us squeezing until our knuckles were white.
“I should’ve told you the truth, but I was .
. . a mess. I was searching for something .
. . ‘love in all the wrong places,’ isn’t that what they say?
It felt like I was searching for love on the wrong planet.
” She sighed and shook her head. “I wasn’t good to Calder or to you.
And knowing that he helped you find me, after what I’d done, how I’d treated him—and the things I kept from you, the secrets I made you keep, the lies I let you believe .
. .” The weight of guilt seemed to pile up on her shoulders.
“It’s all in the past.”
Somehow that only made her grow sadder. “I was horrible back then. Confused. Careless.” Her sad laugh gutted me. “I guess I’m not much better now—”
I took her hand and pulled it into my lap. “Rach, you wanted to be better. That’s why you went to that retreat. Because you wanted better for yourself. Don’t let what they did diminish that.”
Her chin bobbed slowly like it was still floating on uncertainty. “But Calder, if he told you the truth, then you know how he felt about you back then.” She lowered her head, a tear landing on top of my hand where it held hers. “And if I hadn’t said what I did, maybe the two of you—”
“Please.” I gave her hand a shake. “Don’t do that.
If you go back to maybes, then so do I. Maybe if I’d been more open with you, you wouldn’t have felt like you had to keep secrets from me.
Maybe if I’d faced my own trauma from Mom, you wouldn’t have felt like I was judging you.
Maybe if you hadn’t felt like you couldn’t come to me, you wouldn’t have gone to that retreat—”
“Okay!” she interrupted, frantic when she saw how it all could spiral. “I get it. I’m still sorry though.”
“I am, too.” We hugged tight. “But now, all I want is a future to look forward to. For the both of us.”
“Do you love him?”
I inhaled sharply. Old Lara would’ve ducked away at the question, but now, all those times I never let her in had only encouraged my sister to do the same.
“I . . .” I swallowed. “Yes.”
“Good.” She smiled, and though it was weak and a little tremulous, it was the first full smile I’d seen on her face since we’d rescued her. She hugged me then, holding me tight, and murmured, “I know you, Lara. Make sure you let him love you back.”
I closed the door softly behind me, turning to find Cassius sitting on the steps. Waiting.
“Is she okay?” he asked and rose, crossing his arms, not unlike his oldest son did when he was trying to conceal his worry.
“Yeah. Just getting in bed.” I stopped in front of him. “Thank you, Cassius. For everything you’ve done for her. For us.”
Something nondescript streaked through his eyes, bright but brief, before it disappeared. “Of course. Anything you need. It’s the least I could do—” He stopped and cleared his throat. “It’s the least I could do for what you’ve done for my son. I know Stones can be . . . hard to crack open.”
My brows lifted, but he didn’t elaborate.
Offering me a muttered good night, he strode down the hall to the room where he was staying.
It used to be Calder’s room before being turned into Cassius’s map-making studio.
Inside was a small couch where Cassius had been sleeping.
I was shocked he fit on it, let alone comfortably, but he wouldn’t sleep downstairs—not because Calder had taken the large sofa in the living room, but because he wanted to be able to watch the door to his room and be there if my sister needed anything.
Downstairs, I found Calder in front of the fire.
Pausing at the doorway, I just stared at him for a minute like I used to do all those years ago, when neither him nor my sister were looking.
I’d stare and name the muscles. The bones.
I’d cling to the facade of anatomy rather than admit the depth of my attraction. Now I didn’t have to do that.
“Lara.” He turned, his eyes dark.
“What is it?”
“Eden didn’t make it through surgery.”
I grimaced, a mix of emotions hitting me. “I don’t know whether to be happy he’s gone or sad he’ll never see justice for what he did. Sad he’ll never see my sister thrive in spite of what happened.”
“It’s okay to be both.” His easy answer loosened the tension in my chest. “Are you going to bed?”
I looked up at him and shook my head. “No. I’m going home with you.”
Calder took my hand as we walked to the Airstream, our pace unhurried under the million-star midnight sky. There was no storm terrorizing tonight. Maybe Mother Nature knew there’d been enough terror over the last few days.
With every step, I heard my sister’s words echo: “Let him love you back.”
Maybe that was what I was doing—what I’d been doing this whole time. Every time I let him lead. Every time I took his orders. Every time I sank into the shelter of vulnerability and obedience . . . I was letting him love me. I was trusting him to love me. To lead me. To take charge.
It wasn’t about control. It was because he was intentional. With his words. With his actions. With the whole of his character. And he’d always been like that. He’d always acted with purpose and made decisions with calm clarity.
That was why it was so easy to fall in love with him. Because, for someone who’d always carried everything on her own, he made it easy to step out of survival mode. Out of life and death. He made it easy to step into a space where there was room to breathe. To feel. To live for myself. To love.
“Calder.” I slowed to a stop, forcing him to stop with me before we’d reached the Airstream.
His gaze met mine, and I felt the moment start to settle around it.
Still. Calm. Magnetic. There was so much I wanted to say.
We’d talked about what had happened at the compound, but just the facts. “Thank you for saving me.”
Now there was a storm, but only in his eyes. He released my hand, and his shoulders bunched and his arms flexed as he reached for my neck, nesting my face in his hold.
“When I saw you there . . .” He didn’t need to finish. I knew exactly the moment he meant. “There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Not then. Not now. Not ever.”
For some reason, it hit different when a man who was capable of doing a lot of things—many of them of a violent nature—said those words.
“Calder.” I lost myself in his stare. “I love you.”
It hadn’t been safe to say those words.
It hadn’t been safe to say them first.
It hadn’t been safe to let love in.
Until him.
Now I could say them without worry. Without vulnerability. Because I could trust him to be who he’d always been: the man who made me feel safe enough to be me.
His voice came out raspy, the texture of bark on an oak tree, like it had been holding something living inside him for ages. “I love you, too, Tomb Raider.”
I shuddered as his thumbs brushed my cheeks, and then I tipped my mouth to his.
The tenderness of his kiss quickly unraveled and unearthed that wildness hidden under his calm exterior.
This time, there was no rain or thunder, no danger or risk.
There was nothing but a hundred stars and a million possibilities all around us.
I locked my arms around his neck, and he deepened the kiss, his big arms wrapping around me and his hands grabbing my ass. I melted into him. Into his warmth. His strength. Into the promise of his mouth.
“So, what happens now?” I murmured against his lips when we came up for air.
His gaze danced over my face. “Whatever you want.” His forehead rested on mine, so when he turned his head, mine turned with him. “I can go anywhere,” he said, both of us looking at his Airstream. “I will go anywhere with you.”
My heart volleyed up into my throat. I was falling even more in love with a man who could both lead and know when to follow.
And how could I argue? He could, and did, go anywhere for business. He could easily come back with me to Phoenix and take cases from there without seemingly any change to his lifestyle. But there would be a change, and I’d been with him long enough to know what it was.
His RV was parked here, and whether he wanted to admit it or not, this was his home base. His home. And his family . . . as dispersed and independent as they all might have been at times . . . was here.
Did I even have a job to go back to in Phoenix? And even if I did, did I want to go back to it?
It wasn’t a simple question, or one that needed a decision tonight. Though, deep down, I felt as if the simple answer had been buried inside my chest for a long time.
“Right now, the only place I want to be is here. With you.”
He dropped his lips back to mine, kissing me roughly, hungrily, leaving no doubt exactly where he wanted to be.
This time, I didn’t even care when he started cutting off my clothes.