Chapter 4
TRACE, EIGHT WEEKS LATER
Coming off a winter training session in the backcountry was both brutal and a relief.
Brutal because it was hard returning to a million missed emails and messages, piled-up SERA admin work, and my usual routine.
A relief because I’d been off-grid in Yellowstone National Park for six out of the past eight weeks, and I could finally get warm and catch up on sleep.
The most recent search and rescue cohort had been amazing. We’d even worked a real SaR job on a missing snowmobiler, which had taken the place of our checkout drills and allowed every student to leave the program with real-life, hands-on experience.
But as I’d settled down each night in my freezing tent, I hadn’t been able to get Wolfe off my mind.
I’d fucked up. Royally.
I’d fucking kissed him.
Wolfe Marian was family. Untouchable.
Meant for protecting, adoring, but not touching. Never touching. Not like that.
But after six years of keeping my personal distance, white-knuckling to keep him firmly in the “Derek and Jude’s kid” category despite beginning to see him as so much more, I’d lost control for one fucking moment and tasted him.
And that kiss had changed everything.
It had turned the embers in my chest into a full-on raging inferno again after I’d semi-successfully banked those fuckers into submission six years ago. Had become brain wallpaper I couldn’t scrape off, no matter how hard I tried.
Now I had to live with the fact that I’d upset Wolfe. And worse, that I’d put my relationship with Derek and the rest of the Marians at risk, all because of my inappropriate attraction.
Before I even made it to a hot shower in my cabin, I found my phone on the bedside table and powered it on. Messages and notifications poured in as I shucked off my clothes and turned on the water in the shower.
I stood under the hot spray for several long minutes, feeling weeks of dried sweat and dirt sluice off. The sound of my groans filled the room as my muscles unclenched and relaxed. Showers after backcountry camping were nirvana, and I took advantage of every ounce of my hot water heater’s capacity.
When I finally stepped out, warm enough to only leave the towel wrapped around my waist, I glanced down at the phone screen.
Derek
Call me back ASAP. It’s about Wolfe.
Did he know? Had Wolfe told him about the kiss? Enough to make me persona non grata with the Marians? No more Thanksgiving or time spent hanging around their pool in summer. It would be my worst nightmare come true.
I scrambled to open the phone and click into the text thread. Shit. Multiple missed messages. Derek had been trying to get in touch with me for a full week.
He picked up on the first ring.
“Hey. Robyn said you were on a training trip,” he said. “I told her not to interrupt.”
“What’s going on?” My heart thundered as I scrambled to find clean clothes in my dresser. “What’s wrong with Wolfe?”
“He’s missing. We haven’t heard from him, and we’re starting to worry.”
“Missing?” I asked stupidly. “What do you mean, missing?”
Even if they didn’t use an app like Life360, Derek Marian would still have trackers on his family members.
He was an ex-military personal security specialist who stayed up-to-date on tech through his relationship with On Your Six Security.
There was no way Derek couldn’t tell you the exact location of his husband and kids at any time.
“He took off a few weeks ago. Said he needed some space and not to contact him. Which was fine, but—”
Blood began to roar in my ears. “Wait. Wait. When?”
“Mid-February. He went to Majestic for a meeting and never came back. Sent us a fucking email asking for space. Said he needed to think about some things and he’d be in touch. But it’s been eight weeks now, and Jude’s losing it—”
I heard his husband’s softer voice in the background, calling him out for hiding the fact that Derek was just as upset as Jude was.
“Eight weeks?” I asked, hoping like hell I’d heard wrong, even though I knew I hadn’t. That was when I’d seen him last.
Had he left… because of me?
“Can’t you track his phone?” I asked.
“He left all of his electronics behind at the house in Legacy. Said he was going on a road trip to clear his mind and think about the next chapter in his life.”
I sat heavily on the edge of my bed as my entire body began to shake. “Is he…” I couldn’t figure out how to say it without upsetting Derek, but neither of us was stupid. It was one of the first questions we tackled in any SaR situation. “Do you think he’d hurt himself?”
Derek blew out a breath. “We weren’t sure. But Rosie started getting messages through her Instagram from random accounts saying he was okay.”
“What do you mean?”
“Couple times a week, she gets a DM from someone saying, ‘This is your brother. I’m okay. Tell the dads.’”
I closed my eyes and sent up a silent prayer of gratitude as oxygen finally made its way into my lungs again. “So he just…”
“Ran away from home,” Derek said dejectedly.
“Do you know why?” I asked, trying to sound normal instead of guilty because I’d fucking caused this.
Me and my callous disregard for his fucking feelings.
Me and my impossibly mixed signals.
Fuck.
I’d spent a lot of time in the past two months regretting my behavior the night of the kiss. I’d quickly realized that I’d treated Patrick with more kindness than I’d shown Wolfe. And I cared a hell of a lot more about Wolfe than I ever would Patrick.
“Rosie said she talked to him about feeling stuck. I guess Lennon offered for her to buy into the ranch, and she said no. She told Wolfe she didn’t want to be stuck with something just because she’d kind of fallen into it when she didn’t know what else she wanted to do with her life. She said…”
“What?” I prompted, ready to begin my search for Wolfe with as much information as I could gather.
“She got the impression he felt the same way about working for the foundation.”
I could hear the guilt in his voice. “Derek, he loves working for the foundation.”
“I know that, but it was never what he wanted to do with his life. He just… ended up there. Maybe this is him deciding he wants something else.”
“That would be okay, though, right?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“Of course. But why wouldn’t he just tell us? He has to know we’d support him in whatever he wanted to do.”
“Maybe,” I began carefully. “Maybe it’s not about work. Maybe it’s something more personal.”
“What, like a guy? We’ve thought about that. But the only relationship he’s had recently seemed to end amicably. Wolfe didn’t even seem all that upset about it.”
My stomach did a sickening little lurch. “Relationship? With who?” And why didn’t I know about it?
“You met him, I think. He came to Legacy last summer. Guy named Max? He’s one of Joel’s clients at On Your Six.”
“Max who? No, I never met anyone with Wolfe. And what does he do that he needs a bodyguard?”
“He’s a prosecutor. Was working a big drug case and needed temporary protection.”
“Jesus, Derek. And you were okay with that?”
There was a beat of silence before Derek spoke. “Of course not. But Wolfe is an adult. Am I supposed to tell him who he can and can’t date? Besides, it’s over. They didn’t even see each other seriously, I don’t think.”
“Except you said the guy came to Legacy with your family,” I reminded him, feeling a little sick about it. “So it had to have been a little serious.”
“No, no. Max was traveling from Glacier to Yellowstone with his own family and stopped in to say hello. Honestly, it might have been what put the nail in the coffin for Wolfe. They were done shortly after. I don’t even know if Wolfe thought of him as a boyfriend.”
I heard Jude’s voice in the background before Derek clarified what he was saying. “Wolfe isn’t much of a relationship guy. Do you think that has something to do with why he left?”
Something he said earlier filtered back into my mind. “Wait, you said you hadn’t heard from him, but then you said he’s been reaching out to Rosie.”
“He was. But then he stopped. We haven’t gotten a message in almost two weeks.” He hesitated. “Please, Trace,” Derek said in a voice made gruff with emotion. “You’re the best tracker I know. If anyone can find him, it’s you. You’ve always been able to find my son.”
The breath stopped in my throat. Not because the words surprised me, but because they landed heavier than they should have.
My son.
The entire fucking reason I couldn’t have what I so desperately wanted.
But was Derek right? Did I have the ability to find Wolfe if he didn’t want to be found?
I closed my eyes and thought of the other times I’d done it.
Once, when Wolfe had been seven and had wandered to a neighbor’s garden shed after hearing a rumor about a raccoon who’d had babies there.
Another time when he’d been fifteen and had gone off with a guy he’d met at a summer camp, only to be left behind when he’d refused to cross the border into Mexico with them on a lark.
And again after he’d dropped out of music school and was too scared to come home and face his dads.
That time, I’d found him at Fisherman’s Wharf watching his favorite busker play a gorgeous old double bass. As soon as he’d seen me pushing my way through the crowd of tourists, he’d burst into tears and run straight into my arms.
Each of those times, finding him had been easy because I’d known what he liked. How his brain worked. But other than that night in February, I’d barely seen him in years, and we kept things shallow when we did see each other.
Still… there was only one answer for Derek. For me.
“I’ll find him. Send me what you have.”
As soon as I got off the phone, I called an all-hands instructor meeting and told everyone at SERA I was taking some personal time.
“What’s going on?” Foster asked. “Everything okay?”
I felt Tommy Marian’s eyes on me and knew I wanted to protect Wolfe’s privacy from the rest of the Marian clan.
“Yeah. I’m doing a favor for a friend. I’m not sure how long it will take. A week, maybe two?”