Chapter 2 #3
He froze. “I-I won’t.” He held his hands up, revealing his palms were thick with scar tissue.
Burns from the fire. From holding the Valalumir as he fell.
There were patches of raised skin, some pink and leathery, the edges still red.
Other parts of his hand looked like they’d been flattened—the skin taken out in these almost flame-like shaped indents.
There, his skin was almost white. I could almost see exactly how the light would have moved as he fell, how the flames would have licked and seared him.
I can cool you with my waters. You don’t have to burn.
You’re the fire.
I clutched at my chest. Gods! GODS! I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fucking breathe. My knees were buckling, my stomach burning.
“Hey!” he shouted. “Lyriana, I need you to take a deep breath. Come on. You need to breathe for me. For him. Lyriana, can you do that?” He started forward again.
I stepped back, my entire chest tightening further. It was almost exactly something Rhyan would say. Something Rhyan had said. But not quite. Everything about Auriel was like looking at a reflection of Rhyan through water. Him, but distorted. Him, but wrong.
“Please,” Auriel begged. “Let me—I’m here to help you.”
I shook my head. No, no, no. I couldn’t stand it—the thought of being touched by someone that wasn’t Rhyan. Even if I knew it was part of him, the old version of him, part of the same soul I loved, I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. I wanted Rhyan. I needed Rhyan.
Rhyan.
Rhyan.
Gods. Fuck! My chest hurt, growing painfully tight.
I still couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fucking breathe.
Everything inside of me felt violent and empty.
Like my heart had shattered, like it had turned to glass and every shard was trying to cut me from inside.
Like I was going to die. I truly felt like I was going to die.
The panic this time wouldn’t subside. Not without, not without Rhy—
My knees shook, my hands trembled. This pain, this rage, this feeling of dying was going to burst inside of me. End me. It hurt so much, so badly. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t fucking take it.
I was only half aware of Auriel, of the way his eyes filled with concern.
I blinked, my vision darkening. And when I focused on him again, his expression was murderous, like he was seconds from rushing to me.
Like there was something to fight—some enemy to kill to make me breathe again. To make things better.
There wasn’t. Because I was my own enemy now. And yet, even I knew I wasn’t going to last like this. The pain intensified. And suddenly, it all came to a head. I gasped, taking in an explosive breath that bled into a scream.
My hand flew up, and I punched the wall again, smashing my already scratched-up knuckles, widening wounds that were already bleeding. Sharp pain rushed up my arm, and blood gushed onto the wall.
I drew back, ready to punch again. Ready to smash my fingers, break my arm …
“Stop!” Auriel yelled. “Stop!” His eyes widened. “You’re bleeding.” He stepped closer, reaching for me.
“No! No!”
“Lyriana, let me—” He frowned, biting his bottom lip. Then his nostrils flared, and there was a determined look in his eyes like some decision had been made. “Enough of this. Come to me. Now.” An order. Not a request. “Show me your hand.” He took another step.
“I said,” I seethed. “Don’t touch me.”
“You’re hurt. And you’re going to hurt yourself more if you don’t stop.”
“You think I care about that? That I care about any of this? That anything could matter to me after Rhyan—after I—” Another sob tore through me, and I couldn’t finish, couldn’t get the words out. I sank to my knees. Auriel dropped too, kneeling in front of me, his eyes searching mine.
“Tell me,” he said, his voice desperate. “Please. Tell me what I can do. Tell me how to help you.”
“Help me? HELP?” I screamed. “You can’t help, Auriel! No one can. Especially you! Because you … You!” I shook my head. “You’ve already ruined everything.” My tears fell harder.
“Ruined?”
“Yes! Ruined!” My entire body deflated, any semblance of energy I had, any force of will to survive was gone.
“Why?” I sobbed. “Why did you stop me out there?” I thrust my arm out, pointing beyond the cave.
To the ocean. To the place where I’d destroyed an ancient statue, where I’d summoned a tsunami in my rage, the power of Rakashonim burning inside of me.
The power and strength of a Goddess, of the Valalumir itself.
The waves were coming. World-ending waves.
Continent sinking. “Why didn’t you let me do it? Why didn’t you let me end it?”
Because after all I’d seen, after all that had happened—I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to feel this. And I didn’t want to live in a world that was this cruel, this unfair. I didn’t want to live in a world that could enact such evil.
But above all else, I didn’t want to live in a world without Rhyan.
“I could do no such thing,” Auriel said.
“Not when it comes to you. Lyriana, that’s not why you, why Asherah, first came here a millennia ago.
And it’s not why you came here again, why you came this time as Lyriana,” he said, his voice gentle.
“This is not who you are. This is not the work of the soul I have known for an eternity. You were not meant to destroy.” His eyes blazed. “Asherah, you were meant to heal.”
My blood heated. I was so Godsdamned sick of being called Asherah. Of having to put my life aside for the one she had lived. Of having to be here now with her love, her soulmate. And not mine.
“I am not Asherah!” I yelled. “Not anymore. I haven’t been for a very long time. Do you hear me? I’ve changed. We all have. So who the hell are you to tell me what I was or wasn’t meant for? You don’t fucking know me!”
“I do.”
“You don’t—”
“I DO!” he roared, his face reddening. “You seem to think that just because you’re not currently Asherah that it doesn’t make you her.
Did you forget that her soul and her light are connected to and bound to your body?
That those are the essences from which you were born?
That your fate is connected? She is informing your heart, and your mind.
She is your soul, and she is influencing, in every second and every way, the very being who calls herself Lyriana!
You think that me being here now, isn’t proof of that?
Isn’t proof to you that Rhyan isn’t completely gone either?
That he’s not completely lost? That the part of him that was made from me still survives because I do? ”
“Part of him? Part of him! A part of him isn’t enough.
A soul isn’t enough!” My hands fisted, punching my knees.
“Neither is an incarnation. Or you! Just him. Him! And he’s not here,” I cried.
“He didn’t survive. I can’t touch him. Smell him.
Kiss him.” My voice cracked. “I’ll never hug him again.
Hold him. Be held.” I shook my head. “And I’ll never talk to him!
Never see him smile, or hear his laugh. I’m not going to see him heal and grow and live his life.
I’ll never get to see what he might have become.
” This feeling that had begun to grow in my chest, intensified.
More painful than a tightening. Sharper than the shards slicing.
My heart was tearing itself into pieces, ripping apart bit by bit.
“I don’t care if you’re connected. I don’t!
Because you are not a replacement for him.
And you never will be! Not for me. Not ever! I don’t want you.”
“Well, you’re no replacement for her either!” Auriel yelled. “But I still came here. I came here for you, Lyriana!”
“Why?” I cried. “Why would you do that?”
“Because, you called out to me. Because I heard you, heard your cries. Your distress. I heard them from worlds away. From another time. And when I sensed your despair, I didn’t hesitate to act.
To risk everything. Because I felt your pain, too.
I felt your heart breaking like it was my own.
” He slammed a fist to his heart, his voice shaking.
“I don’t know how I did it. Because it shouldn’t have been possible.
But I did. My heart broke. For you. So I came.
Somehow, I traveled through a dozen celestial realms. I broke the laws of time and space to reach you.
To stop you from ending it all. Because of you—just you—I did the impossible.
I took on my body again. Pushed my way through Heaven and Earth, just to stop you.
To help you. To be here with you. Again. ”
I gritted my teeth. “Gods. You sound just like him.” I pulled my knees into my chest, burying my head against them.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Fuck. I can’t …
I can’t do this. I can’t be near you. I can’t talk to you, or listen to you.
” I was barely getting the words out, I was choking on them, crying out every syllable.
“Every second is a reminder that he’s not here.
Every second is a reminder that I failed him.
I failed him in the worst possible way! I swore to him I wouldn’t, but I did.
I lost him. I wasn’t strong enough. And he suffered because of it.
Because of me. And now he’s gone. And it’s my fault.
And nothing I can do will fix it, nothing will bring him back,” I sobbed.
Even before tonight. I’d dragged him into this. Into going after Jules. Into making a deal with his father. Into working with him. Playing the game until the very end.
I’d killed him. And there it was again—the panic, my chest collapsing in on itself, feeling like I couldn’t breathe.
And it wasn’t just my heart ripping apart that would kill me this time, or the way my lungs had forgotten how to work.
I felt like the walls of the cave were going to close in on me. Crush me. Suffocate me.