Chapter 12 #2
“Yes, well, I can’t dispute that,” he scoffed.
“But let me tell you something, Lyriana. Your fever was dangerously high—even for someone as powerful and strong as you. That stab wound was infected down to the bone. So, at that exact moment, it didn’t really matter what you wanted.
Branwyn packed it and repacked it three times since you’ve been asleep, to make sure the infection didn’t continue to spread.
To make sure you healed. Fucking realms. You’re lucky you didn’t lose your arm! ”
“So what! I can’t rest, Auriel! I don’t have time!
Don’t you get it? Rhyan is an akadim! A Godsdamned fucking akadim!
” I cried. “I can’t even stand to think about what he’s doing out there now.
Or to think about Meera and Jules, and the rest of our friends.
They’re all just out there and vulnerable.
I have to find them. I have to find all of them. ”
“And you will! You will. But not yet!” His eyebrows furrowed.
“Can’t you hear yourself? If I’d let you go out there with the fever you just recovered from, you’d have been captured instantly.
Denied medical care by His Majesty, and then what?
You would rather waste away in their dungeons?
Did you want to stand trial for the murder of not only the Blade, but the Emperor?
Stand trial for every other murder they manage to pin on you?
” His nostrils flared. “You’d never find your friends.
Nor Rhyan. Is that really what you want? ”
I closed my mouth, my lips tightening together, refusing to answer him.
“Huh, Lyriana? Is it?” Auriel stalked toward me. “You are Asherah reborn. You are my soulmate.”
“No.” I violently shook my head.
But Auriel continued, “Her soul is your soul. I know you. And soon enough you will be as strong as she was. Stronger even. But you’re not strong enough to fight this, not right now. Not yet. Your body is still mortal. And for some fucking reason, you seem hellbent on forgetting that fact.”
“Forgetting?” I shouted. “You think I can forget? That I could watch my lover, my own soul, being torn away from me in the most violent way possible, and I’d just forget the rules of mortality? Trust me, I remember. Of course, I remember. What you don’t understand is that right now, I don’t care.”
“Well you fucking should.”
“I can’t. There are bigger things happening than me. And if you can’t handle that, then you should just leave.” I folded my arms across my chest and looked away.
“Lyriana, be reasonable. Please. Whether you’ll admit it or not, you needed the rest. The infection has cleared. Your fever, too.”
I continued to stare ahead, refusing to meet his gaze.
Auriel made a noise low in his throat. “Fine. Ignore me. I’ve only been keeping cold compresses on your head, and rebandaging your arm every hour. Just so you know.” He shook his head, his lips twitching in anger. “I sat there and held you while we cleaned out your arm. You’re welcome.”
“What do you want? A fucking medal for playing nurse?”
“I want you to stop fighting me like I’m your enemy. Like it’s my fault what happened, or that I’m here. I want you to admit that I have your best interest at heart.”
“How many hours?” I gritted through my teeth, my stomach twisting. “Huh, Auriel? How many hours did you force me to sleep for?”
“None. I didn’t force you to sleep for any length of time,” he yelled. “Your body woke up when it was ready to—when it was healed enough for you to go on.”
“How many?” I asked again, my voice dangerously cold. “I didn’t just fall asleep by natural means. It was you. Your magic. And if I stayed asleep through all this—” I pointed at my arm, “Then it was because you had a hand in it. So what was it? How many hours?”
His eyes met mine, his jaw tensing. “I stopped counting.”
“When?”
“When I counted twenty-four.”
“Twenty-four? Twenty-four fucking hours!” No. No. That couldn’t be. My chest tightened, panic rising inside me. We didn’t have that kind of time. I had to leave. I had to get out of here, find my way north.
“Lyriana!” Auriel yelled.
But I rushed past him to the table that stored my things, grabbing them in a blind rage.
I felt farther than fucking Lethea, barely able to see straight I was so mad.
I started to fasten my belt around my waist, attaching Rhyan’s scabbard.
I retrieved my blade next, shoving it through my belt.
And bent down to lace up my boots, dizziness washing over me. But I didn’t care. I had to be ready.
“By the fucking realms!” Auriel shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Leaving! Twenty-four hours! Do you know what Rhyan could have done by now? What he could be doing at this very moment—if I’m not there to stop him?”
“I do know! And you won’t stop him! Not like this.”
“Go to hell!”
He laughed bitterly. “Don’t worry. I already feel like I’m there!” he roared.
“If you really want to be sure, try crossing dimensions again. You’ve broken every other rule so far. I’m sure you’ll reach hell soon enough.”
“You think I can just cross dimensions?” he scoffed. “That because I’m a God, traveling between worlds and timelines is just something I can do? I haven’t been mortal for a thousand years. And by the laws of the Council I shouldn’t even be here now, but I am.”
“So go then. Go back home.”
“I can’t!”
“You won’t!”
Auriel reached for my shoulders, shaking me, but I twisted out of his hold.
“Stop touching me!” I said. “Just stop! I don’t need your help!”
Auriel exhaled, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling, his shoulders slumping.
When he looked at me again, defeat was threaded through his expression as clearly as if he’d raised a white flag.
And again the aura that came from him felt like a cloud descending, heavy and foggy, and confused. But above all, mortal. And weak.
“I might not be able to travel like Rhyan,” he said, “but I can still help you. Still fight beside you. Protect you.”
I scoffed. “I’ll protect myself.”
“I thought we were past this,” he said quietly, and shook his head. Then his gaze shifted to the scabbard at my waist and his face softened. “Silver gryphon wings. Golden sun.” There was something almost like defeat in his voice. “That’s it isn’t it?”
My hand moved protectively around the leather casing, my fingers tightening around it.
“The sigil of Ka Hart. His sigil.” Auriel let out a shaky breath, taking a stumbling step backward.
It was like he was retreating. Surrendering.
“You’re angry with me,” he said softly, “not for anything I’ve done.
But because I’m not him. That’s what this is about.
I’m not Rhyan. And you can’t forgive me for it. ”
I could hear my heart pounding, like a drum in my ears, the backs of my eyes burning. “No,” I seethed. “That’s not it.”
Auriel’s face fell. He pressed his hand over his heart.
“Yes it is. And you won’t admit it—not even to yourself.
” His jaw tightened. “So be it. I’m sorry—if that’s what you need to hear.
I’m sorry I can’t be him for you. I’m sorry my name’s not Rhyan.
I’m sorry I wasn’t born in this timeline.
Or born into the North. I’m sorry that it’s not me who’s your lover. Your partner.”
“Stop it,” I screamed, the panic rising inside of me again, like a nahashim twisting through my insides, squeezing around my heart, my lungs.
“You can’t keep punishing me for something that’s not my fault. And you can’t keep punishing your—”
“I’m not punishing—”
“Yes, you are. That’s why you got hurt—”
“I was fighting to survive,” I cried. “Fighting for you!”
“And you’re a better fighter than that. I would know.
I’ve watched over you in this life. And I’ve trained and fought beside your soul myself.
Fought beside you for centuries. And I saw—saw the moment it happened.
The moment you were stabbed. You didn’t see, but I knew something was wrong.
And this,” he pointed at me, “isn’t you.
You didn’t want to rest, or heal, even with a damn hole in your arm …
” He shook his head, his eyes distant. “Fucking hell. There’s more.
You’re blaming yourself for what happened to him.
Aren’t you? Trying to suffer in return? Even the score? ”
“Shut. Up.” A sense of dread washed through me.
He stepped back. “Well, let me tell you something, Lyriana, as someone who’s been there before—been there more than once—you’ll never suffer enough. You’ll never hurt enough to defeat the pain, or ease your heartbreak. I know. I know that it will never be enough.”
“Auriel, stop! Just stop it.” I clutched at my chest. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” My breath was coming in short, painful gasps.
“I remember what this feels like. I felt the same way when I lost you the first time. When I buried you in your tomb.”
I scoffed. “And did you promise Asherah you’d save her before she died?
Did you swear to her, promise her with everything you had when she was dying in your arms, that nothing else would hurt her?
Did you swear to protect her and then fail?
Promise to heal her, seeing the hope in her eyes, only to abandon her to monsters?
To let her become one herself? One you have to find and destroy now?
Because if you didn’t do that, didn’t do what I did to him, didn’t allow what I let happen to him,” I shouted, my entire body shaking, “then you don’t understand. You don’t!”
“No.” His eyes widened, watching me carefully, his body still. His eyes filled with tears, and he swallowed roughly. “I didn’t.”