Chapter 23 #2
I touched my belt, first feeling the dagger he’d given me and then—yes. They hadn’t taken my stave. They probably hadn’t even looked for weapons, assuming the Emperor’s pet didn’t have any. I didn’t know whether to be insulted, or relieved that they had barely touched me.
“But I can’t do much,” I said, suddenly embarrassed. I should’ve been in my third year of mage studies—about to become an apprentice, taking on my own novice and deciding what I wanted to specialize in. Instead, I was struggling through basic spell work with Aiden. But, Dario also knew that.
“Can you call light?” he asked. “If not, I’ll light a fire.”
I bit my lip. It was such a basic spell. “I’ll try.”
“It’s okay,” Dario said. And only then did I realize Dario had been directing us through the woods in almost total darkness, leaving the torches behind so we couldn’t be followed. He hadn’t faltered once, just kept going, using all his senses to keep me safe. I pulled out my stave, my hand shaking.
For a second, I saw my first stave—my original stave—falling out of my hand, hitting the dais and rolling onto the floor of the temple. The Bastardmaker coming and carrying me away.
I stilled, my hand shaking. I saw it every time I picked up a stave.
“Ani …” My throat caught. Fuck. Come on. “Ani petrova vala.”
Heat warmed in my hand. Sweat beaded my brow. And a small light flared. I exhaled in relief.
“That’s perfect,” Dario said. “Thank you. Can you hold it up as we go in? I need to check for a nest.”
We moved into the mouth and I immediately spotted some kindling. Dario released his hold on me and leapt off the horse, rushing over to it, sparking a small flame and then igniting a fire.
“What if that attracts them?” I asked.
“If it does, it can also kill them.”
“What if—” I bit my lip.
His eyes darkened. “What if the akadim is Rhyan?”
I nodded slowly.
Dario looked away, breathing hard through his nose.
“Then I’ll kill him. What else can I do?
” But he looked ready to vomit as he spoke.
I felt a similar sensation. He returned to the horse’s side and reached for my hand, helping me down.
Our fingers threaded together. I stilled, expecting to feel something wrong, or off.
Unwanted. But, like his other touches so far, my body didn’t seem to mind.
We walked through the cavern, ducking under low stone formations.
The entire cave was rather small, and from the smell of it, sulfuric—but not full of the stench of decay or dead bodies.
After a quick inspection, Dario deemed it safe, and started gathering any remaining loose sticks or kindling he could find to build out a bigger fire.
The days had been getting warmer, but the nights were still cold and I shivered, watching Dario bring the flames to life. When it was set, he looked up at me, and frowned.
“You’re cold.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
“Here,” he said, removing his armor and belt. He began unraveling his cloak, pulling all the folds from around his waist out and then bringing it over to me, draping me in it.
I stilled. “You didn’t have to—”
“No. It’s okay. You need it more than I do.” He frowned, watching me, his face red against the fire.
“I’m not that cold.”
But he shook his head. “Are you okay? Did they hurt you back there?”
My eyes burned with unshed tears, and I was suddenly so, so fucking angry.
Why should I be upset? That was probably the best I’d ever fared in Kormac’s hands.
They’d drugged me, bruised the shit out of me and cut me up as they dragged me unconscious from the house.
But they hadn’t beaten me, or humiliated me.
Or raped me. So why was I on the verge of tears? I’d been through far fucking worse.
Dario reached out a hand. “I’m sorry, Julianna. I got to you as fast as I could.”
“How—” I narrowed my eyes. “How did you find me? Did you hear them take me?”
His jaw worked and he looked away. “I should have. I could have sworn I heard something. And I went to the room to check—but then—well, I didn’t think you wanted to see me, so—”
Shit. I almost lost my fucking life because Dario was actually respecting my boundaries and trying to give me space.
“But then I went in a few minutes later.” He hissed through his teeth.
“And you were gone. We tore the house apart. Meera prepped a nahashim to come find you. But then I remembered the babies in their boxes. They saw what happened to you—saw that man grab you and drag you off the balcony. I took off after you at once, running and tracking every clue I could find until I found the wagon.”
“You tracked me? Using nothing more than a vision of me being kidnapped?”
“Well, I could make some deductions based on their methods and the fact that no one else had seen anything. I had to make some quick guesses. Thank the Gods I was right. If anything had happened to you—” His hands fisted.
My throat went dry. “You would have broken your promise to Lyr?”
Dario grimaced. “Yes.” His eyes met mine. “But more than that, I would have lost it. Because I—” He paused and I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. “Because I care about you,” he said softly.
I looked away. I was tired. My body ached.
My brain felt heavy and stuffed, like my head was full of wool.
But it wasn’t either of those things that was making me feel exhausted.
It was far more simple than that. It was feeling.
Just feeling. Feeling anything. I had worked so hard during my time in the Palace to become numb.
To everything. My body. My mind. My heart.
To feel nothing, just so I could survive.
Keep my oath to Seth. And now, I realized that for the past month, I’d been feeling so much.
Like I was using muscles I hadn’t tried to use before, or had forgotten. And I wasn’t sure I was ready.
“Are you hungry?” Dario asked after several moments of silence between us. “I have some food in my pack.”
I turned back to him and nodded. I was hungry.
“Have a seat,” Dario said. “I’ll give you everything I have.”
“What about you?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Don’t worry about me.”
I started to sit down, but suddenly cried out. Now that we were still, that the threat was gone, my injuries were catching up to me. At least a dozen cuts and bruises, it felt like.
“Can I look?” Dario asked.
My heart started thundering. My stomach twisted. It suddenly occurred to me how alone I was with him. How at his mercy. But he held up his hand. “I’ll only look, I swear. I won’t touch you. Not unless you say it’s okay.”
“Okay,” I said, eyeing his hands, and slowly inched his cloak off my shoulders.
He reached for a pouch on his belt and came to kneel before me.
“Show me where,” he said quietly. “Oh, hold on.”
He pulled out a small cantina of water and splashed it over his hands, rubbing them together. Then he pulled out a jar of golden sunleaf paste, and popped the lid, sticking his finger in. His eyes narrowed. “You have a cut on your cheek.” His jaw tensed. “May I?”
My heart thundered but I nodded. “Yes.”
He brushed the salve across my skin. Already the burning there felt soothed.
“Is that okay?” he asked.
“It feels better.” I swallowed roughly, and showed him my neck, pulling my hair back.
His eyes followed my movements, scanning the injuries there. “May I?” he asked again.
“Yes.”
He nodded, putting some salve there as well. I nearly sighed in relief. “Where else?” he asked.
I showed him the other side of my neck. And again, he asked, “May I?” before applying the salve.
I swallowed, knowing what came next. They hadn’t all been monsters in the Palace. Some had been nice. Gentle even. At first. Asking permission, showing respect. But the end was the same. Always. What they wanted from me. What they expected in exchange for the smallest of kindnesses.
The backs of my eyes burned, and I was suddenly breathing heavily through my nostrils. But it was time. Time to get it over with. I began to untie the tops of my dress.
Dario watched with rapt attention as I let the material fall down, exposing my breasts in the firelight.
He sucked in a breath, his eyes widening, darting to my nipples. His chest heaved, his jaw working, before he met my eyes again.
“Wh-where?” he asked. “I don’t,” his eyes narrowed, “I don’t see any cuts.”
I almost laughed. “They’re elsewhere. I figured I’d just give you what you wanted up front.”
Dario’s face fell. He looked like I had punched him in the stomach. He practically reared back from me.
“What I–what I wanted? What—”
“You want something from me, don’t you? I’ve seen the way you look at me.” I ran a hand down my breast, my fingers slowly caressing my nipple. “Not just today, but for the last few weeks.”
Dario turned away, his face red. “That’s what you think of me? That I came after you to get something in return?”
“Isn’t that what you want?” Rhyan had trusted him.
So had Lyr, and so did Meera. And to some startling extent, so did I.
Even that first real night together, when we’d had to escape, when I’d told him my secret, told him who I was, I felt I could trust him.
But … I just … if he was going to be like the others, going to use me, I just needed to know.
Needed to stop guessing, stop wondering, and know without a doubt if I’d been wrong.
“Gods, Jules.” He turned back to me, his eyes on mine, his hand reaching for me.
And there it was. His hand would be on my breast, in a moment, he’d be laying me on the floor, rucking up my skirts. I was ready. Ready to gloat. Ready to bask in being right. But most importantly ready to retreat, to go to that place I had to in order to survive, to not feel.
Only Dario didn’t touch me. His fingers closed around the straps of my dress as he pulled them back up to my shoulders, reaching around me for the back pieces and tying them again until I was covered.