Chapter 42 #2
“Whatever you want. Whatever’s bothering you.”
“It’s fine. Everything’s fine.”
My throat tightened, and there was a painful clench in my chest. “No it’s not.”
“What do you mean?” He laughed bitterly. “I’m alive. I have an army. They named me Arkasva. And Arkturion. It’s a little confusing, all the titles. And, I have you. What could possibly be wrong?”
“You—” I said “What is this? Rhyan, what are you doing?”
He turned on his back, staring at the tent above, refusing to meet my gaze.
“I’m trying,” he said, his voice rough. “I am. But I can’t tell you how bad the guilt is I’m feeling, how much it’s gnawing at me from the inside. Tearing me apart. Lyr, I was a monster.”
“You weren’t.”
He closed his eyes, breathing hard. “But I was.”
“But you’re not anymore. If you were, would I be here now? Would I feel safe with you? You’ve seen me afraid. You know what that looks like. And I’m not. Not with you. With you I feel safe. Always.”
“But you were afraid.” His eyes opened and moved toward mine, watching me in his peripheral vision, but his face remained turned to the ceiling.
“I can’t stop seeing it in my mind. Hurting you.
Hurting so many. Killing. Do you realize that some of them out there thanking me, became akadim in the first place because of me.
Because I’m the one that killed them, that ate their soul, and turned them forsaken. Me!”
“Rhyan, remember what just happened out there? They want to follow you, support you. And it’s because you were the one who turned them, who bound them to you that they’re human again.
What about everything you said about absolving them of guilt?
None of them wanted to be akadim. None of them chose this. And neither did you.”
“It’s a lot easier to say it to them, than it is to say it to myself.” He turned to me finally, his eyes searching mine. “I’m just afraid of what’s next. Afraid of … confronting my father.”
My heart swelled, wishing I could just wrap him up in a hug that never ended. “You won’t be doing it alone,” I said. “You’ve fought him before and won. Remember, you’re stronger than him.”
“This feels different,” he said.
I pushed his hair back off his forehead, revealing the faint line of his scar. “How?”
“Because …” His voice broke. “Because he killed me.”
“Rhyan.” I pulled him into my arms.
“I mean,” he said, “I know it was the akadim, brought there by Morgana and Aemon. And it was Kunda Lith who stripped me. Emperor Avery fucking Kormac who sentenced me. But my father—my father put me in that position. He turned me in. He’s the one that did this to me. That caused this.”
“He did,” I said quietly.
He shook his head, his eyes red.
“I always thought,” he choked out, “I always thought there was a limit. You know? A limit to his—his cruelty. A limit to where he stopped being him, being evil … and became … human. And I …” He took a shaky breath.
I ran my fingers through his hair, wishing I could do more to soothe him. That I could undo the hurt and the pain. And above all else, I wished with everything I had that I could have changed his fate. That I could go back in time and save him. Keep him from this pain and suffering.
“I was under no delusions about who he was,” he said.
“What he was, even as a boy. I knew. I felt it. In every part of my soul. But … even from my oldest memories, my earliest ones … he—he had moments. He wasn’t always …
” He sucked in a breath and his eyes grew distant.
“He had small moments of clarity, or … kindness. I don’t know.
He … it wasn’t as if he never could make me feel like he loved me. Or cared.”
I nodded, and took his hand again, rubbing small circles into his skin with my thumb. “I could see that. He could be charismatic when he wanted to be.”
His chest heaved. “I clung to those moments, you know, hoarded them into a dragon’s pile, obsessing over them, trying to understand.
And the moments, Gods, the moments were so small and insignificant now that I look back.
Sometimes he just talked to me.” Rhyan’s jaw tightened, his nostrils flaring.
“Like we were close. Like we had a relationship, or a bond or some shit like that. Like he, like he could—love. Could … love … me.” His voice broke again.
“His son. Sometimes I thought maybe—maybe underneath it all, he did. He really did. That he just didn’t know how to show it.
” He sobbed. “I believed for so long that he wasn’t all evil.
Even after he … with my mother. And all he’d done to me.
The country. My friends. I still believed …
” Tears streamed down his face. “I still believed there was a line. That I was the line. That my life was the line, the one he wouldn’t cross.
That at the very end he wouldn’t forget I was his son.
That at the very, very least, my father, my own flesh and blood, couldn’t—wouldn’t do that to me,” he cried. “But he did.”
“Rhyan,” I gasped, barely able to say anything more. My heart was breaking for him. It was already broken. Seeing him like this, so tortured, it was shattering all over. I pulled him closer, until his head rested against my breast. “I’m sorry. Rakame. You didn’t deserve to have him as a father.”
“No? Because now I think about what he’s like, how he was with me, and then I think about how I was with you—”
“No,” I said firmly. “Don’t. Listen to me.
You are not your father. Not even close.
You couldn’t be more different if you tried.
He became a monster by choice. He chose to hurt you, and your mother, your people, your country, even me.
Because that’s what he wanted to do. Anything you did as an akadim, was not your choice.
Not your will. You didn’t ask to be like that.
When you’re in control, when you’re you, and you have the choice to hurt someone, or help them, I know what choice you’ll make. Every single time.”
He burst into sobs. I pulled him into my arms, his body laying over mine as it did the night before.
He calmed after a while. “I should get back out there,” he sniffed. “There’s so many who need comforting, have questions. There’s so much to do.”
“No.” I traced the shape of his eyebrows with my fingers. “You get to rest now. Safely. You have a hundred soturi out there protecting you and me. Night sentries on duty. Scouts reporting back. Tonight, you rest. Everyone will understand.”
“I want to help. I want to be prepared, and prepare them. I need to know that we’re going to succeed. That his reign is coming to an end. That some good will come out of this shit.”
“Some good already did. You, Rhyan. Now come here,” I said, and pulled him into a kiss.
He licked the seam of my lips, his tongue sliding past them, kissing me deeper.
We kissed for a long time. Nothing more happening between us.
No progression. Just kissing. Just being together, and eventually, he fell asleep in my arms. I held him, pushing his hair off his forehead, stroking his back, and had just begun to nod off when I felt him move.
“I’m going out there, just for a little. I won’t be long.”
I sat up, so I could join him, but he laid me back down and kissed my forehead. “You rest.”
“I should be out there, too,” I said.
“You will be,” he said. “We’re partners right. So, we’re going to take turns. I won’t be long. Wait for me.”
I kissed him again. “I will.”
Two hours later, I felt him crawl into the bed beside me. He pulled me against him, wrapping his arm around my waist, his hand seeking out my stomach—the way we usually slept every night. The way I’d missing sleeping with him for months.
I placed my hand over his. “You feeling better,” I whispered sleepily.
“Better,” he said, kissing my neck.
The next morning was a whirlwind. Rhyan seemed to be in better spirits, carried by the anger he had for his father, and the promise of his removal from power.
We spent until lunchtime mapping out our route to Glemaria.
We planned to head north in Dobrava, until we reached the Lumerian border of Payunmar.
There we’d cross back into the Empire’s territory.
We’d been safe all night mainly because most of the surrounding area had been claimed by the akadim who now no longer existed.
But moving north we were bound to encounter more hordes since they favored the longer nights here, plus they always saw the human lands as easier prey.
We also wanted to avoid the Allurian Pass in Glemaria, which we knew was infested and quite possibly where Aemon and Morgana were housing more of their undead soturi.
Much as I wanted to cure more akadim, it was more important to reach Glemaria.
To remove Devon. And get Rhyan’s power back.
There would be no way to fight against Morgana and Aemon’s evil without restoring Rhyan’s magic first. So once we reached Hartavia, we’d travel east, then cross into Glemaria. And then, enter the arena.
Sean, now officially acting as Arkturion to Rhyan’s Arkasva, and far more experienced in soturi logistics than I was, started nominating soldiers to act as turion and assigning soturi into troops.
Those who’d been human and chose to remain were tasked with clothing and weapons and food, any jobs that could be done without great strength or magic.
Everyone else continued taking turns running out for supplies, hunting, standing guard in our outposts, or participating in training exercises that Rhyan was running.