25. Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter twenty-five
T he look Nix levels me with is heavy as he, too, takes a seat.
‘Quillian and I,’ he says quietly, ‘we … know each other.’
‘That I know already,’ I say. ‘I know you said he’s the reason you’re here and … I know he’s your commanding officer – the one you said knew Claudius.’
He blows out a breath that puffs his lips out, as if the things he’s holding on to are finally ready for escape. ‘My last service was on the front. I was one of the soldiers sent to Tae to bolster their numbers.’ He waits while I let that sink in.
‘Tae?’ I frown. Tae. Where Aiten Gall was buying people to sell. A country bordering Nuntainia that I’ve barely thought of and has now come up in two separate conversations in a matter of days.
He nods as I stare at him, willing my mind to connect the pieces I’m not sure I can see.
‘But … that’s not our fight. Tae and Coprath are at war, not us.’
‘Nuntainia has a vested interest in Tae maintaining control of the Rite Gorge. You know Tae gives Nuntainia access to the Gorge and open trade. According to Nuntainia, Coprath is highly unlikely to allow the same liberties. And so the government bolsters Tae’s numbers to keep Coprath forces at bay, and away from the Gorge.’
I press my fingertips into my temples, listening to what he’s not quite saying. ‘You’ve been at war these last five years? Active war?’
His gaze searches mine for understanding. In it I can see the weight of everything he can’t seem to say. At war. My country isn’t even supposed to be at war . Not anymore. Soldiers, I knew – they said that. But I thought that meant training, doing peacekeeping activities – preparing not doing.
‘So Quillian was, too,’ I say, thinking out loud. ‘That’s how he’s become Warden. He served well on behalf of Nuntainia and this position is his reward – a cushy Warden role in a beautiful location.’ My stomach tightens. ‘And that’s where things went wrong between the two of you – in Tae.’ My tone is question enough and Nix dips his chin in confirmation. ‘Fuck, Nix, I – I don’t know what to say.’ Suddenly, his behaviour towards Quillian doesn’t seem so out of place. How many horrible things has he been required to do? A bitter taste builds in the back of my throat. ‘Will you …’ I start tentatively, ‘tell me what happened?’
Nix reaches out to take my hand but there’s something reluctant about it, as if he’s not sure he wants to burden me with whatever it is.
‘I’ve come to understand that he didn’t know the full ramifications of his decisions – or perhaps made the least horrible decision available to him. But the cost was the same.’
‘Tell me,’ I whisper.
Nix’s hurt is almost concealed in his voice. But the set of his jaw, the way the fingers on his free hand grip the soft cushion, give it away. And an awful sense of foreboding tightens in my chest as I watch him.
He looks away, out of the window across the living room.
‘There was a … need, for someone to charm the local villagers. To make sure they never made the connection between Tae and Nuntainia, and to encourage them to fight for Tae – without the appropriate resources or time to have them all sign the contracts that allow compensation.’ He swallows. ‘Most of the younger boys couldn’t wait to start. We … people like me,’ he glances sideways at me. ‘People good at fighting were paraded in front of them. To show them what a ‘hero’ looks like. To get them to strive for that ideal.’ He scoffs. ‘Fucking heroes. That’s what they wanted us to convince them they’d be. Heroes and not fodder. Heroes instead of predators.’
He turns to look at me fully then. ‘They were mostly in their early teens,’ he says. ‘Boys and girls desperate for the glories of war. Because of the bullshit that was spun to them.’
I don’t ask if he was the only one doing this, or maybe leading it. It doesn’t actually matter which, his involvement is clear. A lump grows in my throat and the pictures of Zale’s and Akira’s children spring unbidden into my mind. I know they are miles away from this conflict but they become the faces of the children who deserve better. Living in a country I thought would protect them because we knew better – the only one of our continent not at war.
Nix’s face changes then. Even as I watch, it gets softer. Sadder, rather than angry.
‘I’d been searching for a way out,’ he says. ‘But the contracts can be so hard to work around, particularly while they’re live. And then I met someone.’
The foreboding I’d felt in my stomach a moment ago takes on a physical weight as it settles in my gut.
‘Someone I … someone I loved, Lu.’
My heart starts to ache. There is no happiness, no joy, in Nix’s tone. I’d been right. His letters had changed. Because he was watching the very worst of what our country was asking children to do. And because he fell in love with someone in the midst of all that darkness.
‘I wanted to tell you, Lu. So bad,’ he says, his voice soft. ‘But I couldn’t bring myself to write the words. The contracts we were under made them hard to form and I—’ He looks away. ‘Now, I wish I did, maybe it would have made the good things real. And the … others, different.’
I blink. Several times. But I don’t miss the ‘were’ in his statement – somehow, they’ve found a way out of the contracts and just let me believe they were still under them. But that’s not important right now – not in this moment. I clear my throat, my mind whirling with everything he’s said. What he’s endured.
‘What happened to her?’ I ask.
He leans back on the couch, brushing his dark auburn hair off his face, exposing the plane of his clear forehead, and stares at the ceiling for a moment.
‘We – the Nuntainians – were ordered out of the village. By Quillian. I knew it was off,’ he says, sitting forward again. Like he can’t bring himself to sit still. ‘But still, I left. As instructed. And the village – her village – was blown to pieces.’
I watch as he stands, placing his hands behind his head as he starts to pace the room.
‘He’d known. Quillian knew it was coming and got us out.’ His face darkens impossibly as he drops his hands and looks back at me. ‘But didn’t give us the opportunity to save anyone else. None of those who were actually worth saving.’
A tear leaks from the corner of my eye as I stare at Nix. Slowly, I stand and walk to him, taking his hands in mine.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, knowing how hollow the words sound in the face of his grief.
He pulls me to him and I embrace him back, hard.
‘I shouldn’t have hurt you, Lu. I’m sorry,’ he says into my hair. ‘But I can’t watch him take away someone else I love. I know – I know he’s not all bad but I … I just can’t do that again.’
In an instant it makes sense. Nix’s pain, his anger at Quillian, and why seeing me with him would trigger such an … explosion of a response. That he did love someone like I think we all want to be loved. Only to lose her. And I know, had he been there, there is nothing that could’ve stopped him from saving her.
At the same time, I can’t imagine Quillian knowingly putting him in that position. He’d said the beating Nix gave him was deserved, and I assume this is why. That Quillian didn’t know something he feels he should have. But I know how hard it can be to get Nix to open up and so I’m not at all surprised he didn’t tell Quillian about this woman. Why would he have?
‘Nix,’ I start gently.
‘Do you hate me?’ he asks, cutting me off.
I can’t help the confusion that drags my brows down. ‘Why in the world would I hate you?’
He takes a deep breath. ‘Because I just pummelled the shit out of your … boss, and someone I can tell you care about’—his face flashes with emotion—‘and put you in the wellness centre.’ He pales as he says it.
‘No,’ I breathe. ‘But I need you to get some help to work this through. You’ll never forget her, or stop loving her, I can tell. But you can’t carry it around with you like this, Nix. Don’t let that love become a poison.’
He cries then, for how long I don’t count. My heart breaks for him and this woman I will never know. I have always been so envious of Akira and Zale for the lives, and loves, they have. Now, I am only grateful they get to hang on to them, not like Nix.
Eventually, his quiet tears stop and he releases me, an emptiness taking their place.
‘Would you tell me about her?’ I ask.
He closes his eyes briefly before we sit again, a tiny, sad smile playing out on his lips, and he starts at the beginning.
‘I am not at all in the mood for this,’ Blossom says as we dress for the ball.
Me neither, I think as I reflect on my time with Nix. How the pain in my face is nothing to the soul wound he’s been delivered. There’s a shadow of that pain sitting in my own chest, a smear I imagine will remain for as long as he hurts. The same as part of me aches for Blossom’s loss.
But Traelen insisted we throw an event for the prisoners – to distract them from the death that seems to be around every corner at the moment and convince them we have everything in hand. That their stay won’t be adversely affected by the bodies that keep cropping up. I think – I hope – death would have always worried me. Especially when it’s come at such short intervals. But now I can’t help the irritation that surfaces at the priority that is given to the prisoners.
Somewhere along the way in my service, I stopped caring what they were here for. Stopped wondering why ‘prisoners’ were treated so well. Now it’s starting to chafe against my skin. And now I have to face that and Quillian, who seems suddenly keen to have me off the island. I press down on the hurt that he didn’t even talk to me about it first.
‘I’m worried about Traelen looking into these deaths, Lu,’ Bloss continues as we stand side by side in the bathroom mirror. She is better at making me look presentable than I am, so I get ready in her bathroom for many of these events. ‘Even putting aside the fact he’s currently negotiating with the Vanan Warden, who I know sits outside Traelen’s direct influence – although he is the Prime Minister’s Chief of Staff – the brewing unrest of the prisoners will surely be enough for some sort of fall out. What if it impacts everyone’s recommendations? What if … they bring Hunters here to question us all?’
Fuck. That is not something I’d considered.
The heaviness that appeared beneath my ribs when Kasera died squeezes a little tighter. We did that. Blossom and me. And it’s only a matter of time before Quillian is under enormous pressure to tell Traelen he knows who’s behind it.
And yet, despite the fact he’s sending me away, I can’t help but believe the little voice in my head that tells me to trust him. Trust in his obvious disquiet about what’s happening here.
Because mine’s starting to match.
I put the brush down on the sink with a little more force than necessary and Blossom looks at me in the mirror.
‘He’s signed off on my recommendation,’ I say to her reflection. ‘Traelen’s organised Zale to collect me within the fortnight. After Nix and River are gone.’
Bloss’s eyes go wide, filled with more hope for me than I want to see – but leaving her here with this mess isn’t something I can do. The way her mouth falls open gives away the conflict in her. She both does and doesn’t want me to leave, too.
‘I don’t know why he didn’t ask me first,’ I say, hoping she knows I mean Quillian, ‘but he – and Traelen – have just given us a deadline. We have to get Nix and River out before Traelen transfers them, before Quillian’s forced to completely jeopardise his standing in the government and …’ My stomach churns. ‘What would Traelen do to him for that? If he knew how they’re all connected? Send him to Vana, too? Are we all just going to end up there together?’ I draw a deep breath to try and control the hysteria I can hear rising my voice.
Bloss’s mouth presses into a thin line and I can just about see the thoughts crossing her mind. That given the hurt he’s inflicted on me, I shouldn’t have any concern at all for doing the same. But I also see when she recalls the conversation in his office I told her about. When he apologised. When he talked about the realities he wished people could see.
When I told her he’s their commanding officer and about the war they’ve been fighting.
She twirls the last curl around her face in an attempt to wrestle it into submission. It bounces back to its original position when she drops her hand to look at me instead of talking to my reflection.
‘Quillian hasn’t stopped you with anything so far,’ she says carefully. ‘I think he’s less of a risk than Traelen and the Hunters. It’s time for us to chance it – get a message to Cortane and tell her to be ready to portal. Ask Quillian about the one in the Residence – if we can’t get to it easily, we go with the boys to Cortane.’
I lean my hip against the pale stone counter.
‘You think we should be ready to all go with her? Through the wards?’
Her chest rises and falls as she seems to stare at the gold taps for a moment. ‘I think … in our hearts we’ve started making choices we can’t articulate yet. The things we know about up here but are bound not to voice and what we’ve learned since you weren’t collected have taken root in each of us and we need to see this through. You taking Traelen’s portal is the best option for you. The boys go with Cortane as a first preference, but through the Residence portal if absolutely necessary. It’s also likely it will be able to detect unauthorised access. As for me …’
A fist grips in my torso. Claudius told her not to be here for the next collection, and she’s not even due to leave then. Cortane said she could reduce her time from below, but what does that mean we’d be leaving her with up here in the meantime? Davorous?
Acid burns in my gut.
‘Bloss—’ I start but she shakes her head.
‘Let’s focus on finding out how to bring down the wards for Cortane. Then we’ll go from there.’
‘I still don’t know how to bring down the wards,’ I say.
‘Then find a way. Tonight – we’ll go to the office tonight.’
The grandroom is a feast for the eyes when we arrive in time for me to check the venue before the prisoners arrive. Platters of fruit and cheese are nestled between layers of flowers and leaves, punctuated by tiered stands full of decadent, colourful canape?s.
Low lighting frames the ceiling, hanging bulbs dotted in the stone arches that look out over the island and into the depthless night sky beyond. This is my favourite time to visit this room. When it’s not filled with people I need to please, with a smile forever on my face. As soon as I am confident everything is in place – and my previous visits to the kitchen and the musician’s rehearsal room tells me that it is – I normally have a moment to breathe it in on my own. Or almost on my own. There are a number of other concierges arriving, carrying last minute decorations or fulfilling the wishes of our guests in some way.
Tonight, I can’t shake the weight of Nix’s admissions. The memory of the hurt that was written all over his face as he talked about her. The woman he loves. I promised myself I’d get him off this island. I wish I could promise him we’d find her instead. That I could heal that hole in his heart. Fulfilling the first is something I will do everything in my power to do. But healing him … I know that’s beyond what I can offer.
The conversations of the concierges get fractionally louder before they dip away again, a sign the last of them are just about here. The last minute jobs are urgently communicated and then they fall silent, waiting for the Warden to arrive moments before the guests.
My breath catches as Quillian strides in, the deep navy of his dress uniform complementing his rich brown skin. I blink away the vision of his wings over his shoulders. Now I know they’re there, how they feel when they’re soft, it’s impossible to drive them from my mind completely.
He smiles and greets the other concierges warmly before he finds me. It could be how the lights catch in his eyes but they almost seem to sparkle as he takes me in, pausing to run his gaze the length of my body. The little hairs on my arms prickle under his attention, a warming starting below my belly button. Unable to stop the lifting of the corners of my mouth, I watch him walk to me.
There’s a gracefulness to how he moves, as if he’s gliding through the air despite not using his wings. There’s also a … disappointment? Maybe regret?
‘Evening,’ he says when he’s close enough for me to touch if I wanted to.
I make loose fists with my hands and keep them by my sides, pushing away the memory of how his bare shoulders felt under my fingers.
How his face looked the last time I saw him.
‘You look … exceptional,’ he says quietly, and the room starts to fade away around me at the low timbre of his voice.
‘You look quite impressive yourself,’ I reply, unable to stop myself.
I jump slightly as someone clears their throat beside me.
‘Traelen’s incoming,’ Bloss says with a look full of knowing. ‘You might want to pick this up later.’